Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently learned a friend's mom passed away. I realized my friend and I met up the day after she got the news (this information is coming late from someone who knew the whole time). My friend acted normal, and we had a good time. I feel guilty that I didn't send her flowers or an arrangement. How was I supposed to find out about her mother's passing if no one told me? I consider myself to be in her circle, and I don't know how I was left out of the information circuit. -- Is It Too Late Now, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IS IT TOO LATE NOW: Death is the great mystery of life, and many people do not know how to handle it, especially when it hits close to home. To lose your mother is possibly the most tragic experience for people, save losing a child. Most people feel a close bond to their mothers, and when that bond breaks due to the final breath being taken, it can seem impossible to handle, especially in the beginning.

The fact that your friend hung out with you but did not say anything about her mother's passing means that she didn't want to talk about it. It is not your fault that you were in the dark about her pain. She clearly wanted to hang out with someone who didn't know and who would be a neutral party at such a vulnerable time.

Do not make this about you or your perceived stumbling. Focus your energy on her. Now that you know, send her a card with condolences. Call her to tell her how sorry you are and ask if you can be of help in any way. Just be a friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sick for over a month. I have been on two separate antibiotics with no success. I can't afford to waste more time going to doctors' appointments. I have a house to clean, dinner to cook and children to drive. I also volunteer at an animal shelter. What can my explanation be to those who ask why I'm still sick and running around town? I am frustrated at my illness, too, but I can no longer waste time lying in bed hoping to get better. -- Ill Timing, Detroit

DEAR ILL TIMING: Ask yourself these questions, and get a second opinion. Please know that it can be difficult to heal fully if you don't give yourself enough quiet time to rest and recuperate. Even though a month seems very long, your body is clearly telling you either that you need to slow down and be still for a while, or that you need a second opinion to figure out exactly what is going on.

Ignoring your illness and going about your life as if you are fine is not a smart choice, even though you have clear responsibilities. Now is the time to put yourself first. Do everything you can to get an accurate diagnosis, and then follow the doctor's orders.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have celiac disease, and being invited to someone's home always brings me a plethora of dilemmas. I am invited to a Thanksgiving dinner for 25 people, yet I can't eat most of the food served. I don't want to burden the hostess with my restrictions. Is it improper to bring my own meal? Would this breach etiquette? I would gladly eat anything she made if it were gluten-free. -- No Gluten, Seattle

DEAR NO GLUTEN: I'm sorry that I am answering your letter after Thanksgiving, but I hope my advice will help you for any other gatherings you are invited to attend.

Hosts are accustomed to hearing about their guests' food sensitivities these days. What is most important is to let the host know in advance. You can call your host to thank her or him for the invitation. Explain that you are calling to let them know of your food sensitivities due to your medical condition, which precludes you from eating certain foods. Offer to bring your own food that can be discreetly available for your consumption. You can also ask if the host can and will provide a few gluten-free options. You may have to describe specifically what gluten-free food is in order for the latter to be a viable option. Listen and evolve the conversation accordingly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: As the holiday season is coming up, I am dreading seeing my stepfather's mother. She asks inappropriate and personal questions. She has no problem passing judgment on others, and she sees herself as the matriarch of the family.

The marriage between my mother and stepfather came after I was an adult, so I've never taken much of a liking to her. I try to avoid her, but "Grams" has no shame in calling my name across the table to ask about a recent breakup or weight gain. Is there any way to survive the holidays other than avoidance? -- No Boundaries, Madison, Wisconsin

DEAR NO BOUNDARIES: Do your best to change your attitude about Grams. As hard as it may seem, if you can look at her with compassion, you may be able to shift the energy so that she feels less combative. Your welcoming stance could trigger positive overtures from her.

If and when she begins to exhibit bad behavior, you can use an approach that many men employ: Just don't respond. If Grams asks you something that you feel is inappropriate, look her in the eye and say nothing. Do not react or respond. It will likely be a shock to her that you show no reaction at all. If she insults you, you can also respond by asking her to try to be kind to you. Explain that it's hard to want to spend family time together when she constantly attacks you.

Most important is for you to stay friendly but firm. Just because she says something rude does not mean that you have to react. Keep your love life off limits. Do not respond to her comments about your body. Just stay centered, and try to forgive her for her bad manners.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend opened a spa business in our town. I was one of her first customers. I had an excellent massage and pedicure; however, my triple-digit bill was not what I expected. I haven't gone back.

My friend phoned me recently saying she has barely any customers. Honestly, her prices are too high for the small town we live in. Do I give her honest criticism or hope that this failure will help her future business endeavors? -- No Bang for Your Buck, Outside Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR NO BANG FOR YOUR BUCK: Your friend called to share her worries about her new shop. Consider this an opening for you to share your thoughts with her, keeping in mind that she is extremely sensitive right now. Be kind as you tell her your perspective. Start by asking her if you can freely offer your opinion. With her blessing, tell her you feel these services are too expensive for where you live, and then tell her what people there expect to pay.

Point out that the services were excellent and that you would certainly return for more if the price were lowered. Suggest that she advertise a spa special featuring particular services at discounted rates. Encourage her to revamp her price list for your town, and then try again to get folks to come.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am going on a ski trip in January. While I originally invited 10 people, the numbers have dropped, and seven plan on being in attendance. An odd number of people on the trip means we have to pay to split an eight-person cabin, as opposed to a six-person one. Also, there are tensions within the group that remain from past drama. I want to have a fun and affordable trip. Do I try to convince someone to drop the trip or pony up the money? -- Hitting the Slopes, Boston

DEAR HITTING THE SLOPES: As the host, you should be prepared to have the single room at the extra cost -- unless someone else is ready to pay the extra amount. You should also decide whether you want input from your friends about the choices that have to be made, or if it's best to simply decide and tell them. They need to know the cost of the trip and who is expected to come.

You must also give them a deadline by which they fully commit. That means they give you the full fare so that even if one of them later decides to drop out, you have the money. Make it clear that after a certain date, it is nonrefundable. Otherwise, you could get caught paying for more absentee guests.

To lower drama, pair your guests in rooms based on their behavior. If they play musical chairs afterward, that's fine, but at least you will have done your part.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)