Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a graduating from college in May. I love school and am grateful that I have had summer internships that landed me a job post-graduation. However, I do not have a job now and funds are low. I don't want to work in food service considering I have a nice salary waiting for me after college. My friends have told me to lower my expectations in this city, but if I can get a great salary post-graduation, why can't I get a good one now? -- Broke with Standards, New Haven, Connecticut

DEAR BROKE WITH STANDARDS: Now is a time both to count your blessings that you have a job secured once you graduate and to get realistic. If you need a job now, get what you can get. Don't let your high standards about your future cloud your present. What are the available jobs at your school or in your area? Look online, on community boards -- everywhere you can. Listen carefully to your friends. Rather than dismissing their suggestions, find out from them where the jobs are. In the scheme of things, it doesn't matter at all what job you have for the next few months. It does matter that you have money in your pocket.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a black thumb and have never been able to keep a plant alive in my home. Despite this, my husband still brings home flowers or potted plants. I either drown or drought them. His ex-wife has a luscious greenhouse with a thriving garden, and I am simply not her. How can I tell my husband to quit bringing home plants if I'm just going to end up killing them? He doesn't understand that I only do great with fake plants! -- Black Thumb, San Diego

DEAR BLACK THUMB: Your husband likely grew accustomed to having lots of plants and flowers around when he was married previously. What you need to negotiate with him is how he can continue to enjoy this beauty by taking responsibility for it. Perhaps he has learned how to care for flowers and plants. Talk to him about it. Point out that you simply do not have the wherewithal to keep these plants alive, even if you enjoy having them around.

Suggest that if he wants to fill the house with plants and flowers, you need him to do more than bring them into the house. You need him to tend to them. Acknowledge that it is not easy for you to be in the position of even trying to measure up to his ex-wife, who seems to live and breathe gardening. As much as you might want to provide this for him and your household, make it clear that this is not your forte. Tell him that you are feeling stressed because you cannot keep the plants alive. Ask him to assume responsibility for any living plant he brings into the house.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just moved to a new neighborhood. I had very close ties with my neighbors before moving, so I am a little surprised that my new neighbors are not as friendly. In this new neighborhood, the houses are farther apart, and some even have gated driveways. This is not what I was used to before relocating.

I have tried going next door and across the street, but have gotten confused and cold responses. Could it be me? Is this just where I live now? I am sad to have lost my neighborly relations. -- Cold Shoulders, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR COLD SHOULDERS: State Farm recently conducted a survey to take the temperature of neighbors across the country, essentially to learn what constitutes a good neighbor today. Interestingly, most of the participants said that they want to be personally welcomed when they move into a neighborhood, while those very same people often did not enjoy the favor of their neighbors when they moved. Expectations are high, but follow-through seems to be lacking.

My takeaway is that if you want to cultivate relationships with your neighbors, you cannot give up on your efforts. Consider hosting a holiday gathering for neighbors, inviting the families who live near you. Make a festive invitation and see what happens. The Good Neighbor survey said that most neighbors welcome a neighborhood gathering but just don't get around to organizing it. Bringing people to you may be the secret to unlocking some of those gates. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids have been pestering me to get another dog. Our current dog is a 5-year-old Chihuahua, and they want to get her a friend, since she has been left alone a lot this year. I think she needs a friend as well because I hate feeling guilty, but if one dog is alone too much, the other will be as well. My conscience is torn. Should I get my pooch a friend? I've been pressured for months now. -- Lonely Pup, Seattle

DEAR LONELY PUP: If possible, check with your veterinarian. I say this because he or she will have a sense of your dog's health and temperament as it relates to introducing a new dog into the family. With the blessing of the doctor, a companion dog might be perfect. If you are able to contain the dogs in a yard or indoor area, you can preserve your home and give them a safe space to romp. Just make sure that if you introduce a young dog to your 5-year-old that you provide enough toys for each of them so that you reduce the turf wars that will occur while no one is at home.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My teenage daughter has started keeping her door closed when her friends are over. They have just started high school. They used to include me in their gossip, but now it appears that I am not welcome to join or even overhear. I want to make sure my daughter isn't growing up too quickly while letting her keep her privacy. My husband thinks nothing good can happen behind closed doors, but I argue that they're only 14 and can't be getting into too much trouble. -- Door Open or Closed, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR DOOR OPEN OR CLOSED: Stop defending your daughter and establish ground rules. If she was never allowed to close the door before, that rule should remain in effect today. If you want to split the difference, you could tell your daughter she can close the door as long as she understands that you can open it whenever you want to.

It may be true that you are no longer privy to teen gossip, but you need to be seen as the one in charge. Teenagers do push buttons. It is their nature. To ensure that they are safe in their behavior and thinking, let your daughter know that you reserve the right to come in whenever you please. You can knock briefly before entering, in an effort to show them respect, but definitely conduct regular patrolling exercises. Your husband is right.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I hosted a BYOB viewing party at my apartment a few days ago. Someone brought a pricey bottle of liquor and didn't take it with them after the game was over. Is it mine now? Should I reach out to the owner of the bottle and ask if he wants it back? This is the first time something like this has happened to me. The bottle is mostly full and worth $70. -- Is This a Gift?, Detroit

DEAR IS THIS A GIFT?: It is understandable that you would question whether your friend meant to leave that expensive bottle at your house. I would not call to find out, though. The protocol when you bring a bottle to someone's house is that it stays at the house. Your guest could have taken the bottle with him, but since he did not, assume that he meant to leave it.

You should treat it as the special bottle that it is, mainly not consuming it with too much haste. You may want to keep it for special occasions when you have guests over -- especially the person who gave it to you.

I also want to caution you not to be concerned about it at all. Your friend brought the bottle. Consider it a generous gift. When you are invited to a BYOB party, you may want to up the value of the bottle, as this person did. Or just bring what you believe people will enjoy, and trust your instincts.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)