Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the head of a school organization that is fairly successful. We put on many events and almost always have 200 people in attendance. I hate getting cold emails from restaurants, apparel companies and school clubs about collaborating, especially when the workload is placed primarily onto me for their benefit. I have been ignoring these emails (I am busy!), but I am almost always greeted by follow-up emails. I don't have the time or desire to work with these groups. How can I respond to these emails? -- Cold Shoulder, St. Louis

DEAR COLD SHOULDER: When bombarded with solicitous emails, you do not have to feel obligated to respond. If you choose, you can take a few minutes each week to look at what has come to your inbox and unsubscribe whenever possible, or otherwise delete. I will say that it is often worth it to do a quick perusal of the email content. While 90 percent may be solicitations that do not interest you at all, there is a small chance that the perfect product or service will come your way to match your school's needs.

For example, if you have a silent auction, the many restaurants, shops, theaters and other businesses in your neighborhood may be willing to give the school a handsome gift certificate in exchange for the exposure that the gift brings them. This can be a win-win for your fundraising needs. Many schools send parents out combing neighborhoods to request such things. It sounds like your neighbors are knocking on your door. Don't slam the door shut before you take notice of what is being offered.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a college student who has classes in big lecture halls. In a class of over 100 students, I mentioned an anecdote to my friend, and my TA stood up in front of the lecture hall with his arms crossed, about 6 inches from where I was seated. This was clearly a method of intimidation, but I felt very uncomfortable about his proximity to me. He didn't leave his spot for the remainder of the class. I asked him to move away from me, and he ignored me. I know it is against class policy to talk, but I mentioned one sentence and now have a 23-year-old man peering at my screen! Should I report him if this behavior continues? -- Too Close for Comfort, New Haven, Connecticut

DEAR TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT: Take a deep breath and relax for a moment. It is likely that your TA's tactics will not be repeated if you do not break the class rule again. While it may seem extreme to you, his behavior did result in the intended action: No more talking.

If the young man continues to hover near you, by all means report his behavior to the teacher first. You can then follow up with the department head. But don't assume it will happen. This could have been a one-off way for him to enforce his rule.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I work in a restaurant to pay the bills. I have been promoted to manager and was happy about the paycheck, but I now have to be on the frontline of a waitress who fights with the chef all the time. I believe there was some relationship between them and they are now at each other's throats. How can I step into this fighting? They are both hotheads but provide great service at the restaurant. -- Manager's Orders, Dallas

DEAR MANAGER'S ORDERS: Speak to the chef first. Tell him how great his food is and how much the customers enjoy it. Point out that there is one serious issue you need to address with him: the way he interacts with the waitress in question. Ask him to be civil with her. As the chef, he sets the tone for how the staff gets along, and even the energy of the whole restaurant. Tell him you need him to look past whatever their issues are and to choose the high road. Ask him how you can be of help in accomplishing this.

Separately, speak to the waitress and let her know that her interactions with the chef are causing challenges in the restaurant. Point out that their interactions are unprofessional. Ask her to stop fighting with him. If she blames him or deflects, tell her that they are both responsible. And you, as the new manager, are also responsible for getting everybody on the right track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have extremely loud neighbors. I slipped a note under their door, asking them to be quieter because I flounder in face-to-face altercations. An hour or so after I did that, they came to my door complaining about a different tenant, Sam, on our floor. They decided that she sent the note! I didn't incriminate myself to my neighbors, so now they have staged a noise war against Sam. I feel as though I am too far into this web of lies to save the neighborly relations. -- No More Notes, Chicago

DEAR NO MORE NOTES: You should have confessed that you wrote the note. Now, you have an obligation to help stop the noise war against Sam. Drum up the courage to speak directly to your neighbors. Tell them that you think it is unkind for them to be even noisier because of a neighbor. Make it clear that you don't like all the noise, either. You can bring up the noise levels tangentially by saying that it is important for everyone in the building to figure out how to get along. Admit that you think they are sometimes too loud, and the sound travels to your apartment. Ask them if they would call a truce and dial it down a bit. By speaking to them with reason and compassion, you may be able to appeal to their sensibilities. Give it a try, or you're destined to be drowned out by noise for years.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have discovered that my 10-year-old son has been stealing money from my husband's wallet. I found this out when I saw a pair of expensive headphones in his room and asked how he managed to pay for them himself. My son told me he got himself a "Christmas present" from dad's wallet because we never get him what he wants. We spring for one expensive gift a year and make the rest reasonable and useful purchases.

I am appalled that my son would do this -- and so freely admit to it. What kind of punishment can we give him without ruining the Christmas spirit? I know the family would judge us if my son had zero presents waiting for him under the tree. -- Naughty List for Sure, Milwaukee, Wisconsin

DEAR NAUGHTY LIST FOR SURE: Take the headphones from your son. Tell him you intend to wrap them up and he can open the present at Christmas. Tell him that you are taking back or not purchasing the expensive gift that you normally get for him. Punish him for at least the week leading up to Christmas, taking away a privilege that will make him uncomfortable. This could be playing videogames, watching TV or playing with friends. Explain to him that stealing from anyone is bad and even a crime, including when it's from his father. Further, tell him that if he has preferences for what he wants for Christmas, he should make his desires known. This does not mean that he will automatically receive what he wants, but it gives him permission to let you know.

As it relates to expensive items, let your son know that you and your husband work within a budget. If his desired gift fits in your budget, great. If not, he may have to wait for it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I celebrate Hanukkah in a Christmas-dominated city. Much to my children's dismay, I respond to people who say "Happy holidays" or "Merry Christmas" with "Happy Hanukkah!" I feel like it is so common to focus only on Christmas, and my holiday should get some recognition, too. My children say I seem like a Grinch and should be happy when people wish blessings to me, regardless of religious connotations. Who is right here?

I don't think I'm doing anything wrong by telling people what holiday I celebrate. -- Merry Menorahs, Queens, New York

DEAR MERRY MENORAHS: Your issue is one that people share across religions. I know some Christians who do not want to say the generic "Happy holidays" because they want to honor Christmas specifically. You have every right to choose to celebrate your own holiday tradition. You can do that without denying others their holiday joy. One way is to repeat their greeting, acknowledging where their allegiance lies, followed by "Happy Hanukkah!"

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)