Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am trying to kick my casual smoking habit. I never thought I would become a smoker -- I know how horrendous it is for the body. However, when I am outside the bar getting some fresh air and get offered a cigarette, I get excited and can't say no. I have tried refusing, but this typically falls on deaf ears. I want to kick this habit for good. What can I say to those who harmlessly offer me a cigarette? -- Deathly Habit, Cincinnati

DEAR DEATHLY HABIT: In 12-step programs, the recommendation is to avoid people, places and things. What does this mean? If you are trying to kick an addiction, you need to put yourself in situations that will support you. It also means you have to walk away from the people who make it easy for you to smoke, the places that inspire lighting up and the cigarettes themselves. Attempting to reason with your smoking friends will not work. It doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It does mean that they care more about their cigarettes. Remember that cigarette smoking is an addiction. That means it defies logic. To stop smoking for good, you have to remove yourself from the influences that make it too easy for you to slip into unhealthy behavior. You can do it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: A wedding invitation just came in the mail addressed only to me -- not my husband. This was bizarre, considering the groom-to-be is our nephew. I deal with all of the mail, bills and house maintenance, so I think this could be foresight that I would be the only one seeing the invitation and RSVPing. Yet, I am still not positive. Should I call and ask if my husband was purposely not put on the envelope? Nothing has occurred in the family to have my husband not be invited. -- Not All the Names, Denver

DEAR NOT ALL THE NAMES: Under "normal" circumstances, a wedding invitation sent to a married couple should include both spouses. These days, you never know. Rather than wondering what the intention of the couple is, by all means, call and ask. Call the bride and congratulate her on her upcoming nuptials. Tell her that you received her invitation. As you were preparing to RSVP, you realize that the invitation was sent to you, but not to you and your husband. Ask her directly if your husband is invited. If you think he wants to attend, be clear with her that you would like for him to come with you. It is rare that a married couple is not invited as a unit. If she has room for you only, perhaps due to the number of guests that she can invite, you will then have to decide if you go alone or pass on participating. Either way, stay positive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love utilizing social media to document my weight loss. I have been posting progress photos to a few of my social media pages, but I have been getting unsupportive comments. Normally, I would know to not listen to anonymous naysayers on the internet, but these are people I know! People think I am bragging every time I post a photo. I am just happy with my body, and they can unfollow me if they so please. Yet none of them do that. Why don't those with negative energy just unfollow me? I am not asking for them to see my pictures. -- Too Many Haters, Paramus, New Jersey

DEAR TOO MANY HATERS: Social media can swing different ways, especially for people who are documenting significant success in their lives. Weight loss ranks high among the topics that can trigger odd reactions. That said, if you are finding it helpful to post your successes on social media as a way to keep you honest and steadfast, continue to post. If, however, you are feeling shaken by the commentary that is coming your way from random social media contacts and friends, you may want to consider creating a smaller group that allows a specific group of like-minded participants to share your journey. What is most important for you is to surround yourself with people who will be supportive of your journey to a healthier body.

I recommend that you share your victories and defeats. Sharing your vulnerabilities makes you real and also balances your excitement about your success with the sobering other side of when things are not so easy. This will draw true supporters.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate is going through legal troubles and has been accompanied by a sheriff wherever she goes. This has led to awkward situations involving me lounging at home and her coming in to "grab something" while a state trooper follows her. She has been barely communicating with me other than to tell me that "someone" will come by to collect her furniture.

I feel like I deserve to know more information about what is going on, but I feel like prying into her legal woes is invasive. Can I be asking more questions considering I live in the same home as her? -- My Rights, Washington, D.C.

DEAR MY RIGHTS: You do have the right to understand what is going on with your roommate under these conditions. To soften your inquiry, tell her that you wish you could honor her privacy completely, but because of the intrusion of state troopers in your home, you really need to know what is going on with her. Ask her to tell you what her legal troubles are specifically, if she will be able to continue paying her rent and what you can expect to experience in the future regarding her legal situation. If she is unwilling to reveal details, do some research. Review your lease, too. In case your roommate is arrested or otherwise becomes unable to pay her rent, you need to be ready to protect yourself. You may need to consult an attorney about this.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a single 28-year-old woman. Aging terrifies me, and I started preventative Botox recently. I got called out at the Thanksgiving table by my aunt, who asked if I had work done. I sweetly replied, "Only as much as you," because she is an avid denier of her obvious plastic surgery. She was livid and complained to my mother about my behavior.

My mom has asked me to apologize to my aunt to keep the rest of the holidays civil. I refuse and think she should apologize to me. Who is right? -- Not Apologizing, Los Angeles

DEAR NOT APOLOGIZING: Your aunt was insensitive, but so were you. One way for you to nip this in the bud (pun intended) is to reach out to your aunt and tell her that you did not mean to offend her with your quip, but her question at the Thanksgiving table caught you off guard. The two of you have more in common than you realize. Why not go all the way and tell your aunt that you have started paying closer attention to how aging is affecting you, as you believe she also does. Just as she doesn't seem to want to talk about it, neither do you. Ask her if you can agree to a truce. Either agree not to address either of your treatments at all, or agree to discuss your secrets only in private.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Not many people know that I grew up in a foster home. I typically avoid this topic because I hate seeing people become uncomfortable or pity me just because my upbringing was different than theirs. I developed a great work ethic and an unconventional family of siblings, but I keep this to myself. Is there any way to share my background without making anyone uncomfortable? -- Untraditional, Washington, D.C.

DEAR UNTRADITIONAL: Your level of comfort with your childhood and your life is the most important thing. When you can share details of your upbringing with people to satisfy their curiosity and put them at ease, you will be able to manage your relationships better. Many people grew up in foster homes and have gone on to build wonderful lives. Honestly, most people have aspects of their lives that are less than spectacular. Most families have challenging relationships and other conflicts that can and often do scar family members. It is good for you to know this to gain perspective.

I recommend that you reflect on your growing-up years, pick out happy memories that you can share and then be prepared to talk about your early life in a way that is comfortable for you. You do not have to tell everyone straightaway that you grew up in a foster home. Share what you want to share, never lying, but also never feeling compelled to spill your guts just because someone asks. With practice, you will learn what the balance of information is that you should share based on the moment.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)