Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am obsessed with writing and performing slam poetry. Every time I have a performance coming up, I excitedly blast it all over social media. I write to group messages, email chains and make posts. Even after all of my effort, there is a very low turnout to my performances. I live in a city with great public transportation, so there aren't really any excuses to not come support me. All of my friends used to show up; now it seems like they don't support me anymore. How can I get attendance back up? -- Disgruntled, Chicago

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: You need to expand your social media reach. I learned long ago that you rarely build a business, including performance work, with your friends and family as your core support.

You have to do some research. Figure out who is interested in your performance poetry work, and appeal directly to them. This should include reaching out to performance venues. Ask if they will allow you to place postcards in their venues and if you can post on their message boards. Search the internet and discover what groups exist of people and businesses that are like-minded.

To get attendance back up, you must work at building a list of people who would be interested in attending your performances and purchasing copies of your media. You can continue to inform your friends. Just don't expect them to be your audience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to go on an exciting international trip with my friends. We have been planning this for months now, and we are so excited for it to come to fruition. Out of the six of us, five have decided to get matching tattoos commemorating the experience. I am the only one who refuses. I hate this pressure I am getting to get inked. I adhere to the "You don't put a bumper sticker on a Bentley" philosophy, so I don't know how to tell my tattooed friends why I won't be joining them in this trip to the parlor without offending them.

How can I make it clear I won't be persuaded into this stupid tattoo? I fear they'll try to make the trip when we're intoxicated. -- No Stamps, Dallas

DEAR NO STAMPS: Group pressure can be very real, and clearly you are concerned about it. If you do not want to be part of a group tattoo experience, stick to your guns and don't do it. If you think that you could be "tricked" into getting tattooed against your will if you are intoxicated, then don't get intoxicated. It really is that simple, even if it is difficult in the moment.

Tell your friends that you love them, but you do not want to be tattooed. You can offer to take photos of them post-tattoo, or you can choose not to go to the tattoo parlor when they commit to getting their ink. The point is that if you are not in the room when it's happening, you can avoid being pressured into getting inked.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am trying to kick my casual smoking habit. I never thought I would become a smoker -- I know how horrendous it is for the body. However, when I am outside the bar getting some fresh air and get offered a cigarette, I get excited and can't say no. I have tried refusing, but this typically falls on deaf ears. I want to kick this habit for good. What can I say to those who harmlessly offer me a cigarette? -- Deathly Habit, Cincinnati

DEAR DEATHLY HABIT: In 12-step programs, the recommendation is to avoid people, places and things. What does this mean? If you are trying to kick an addiction, you need to put yourself in situations that will support you. It also means you have to walk away from the people who make it easy for you to smoke, the places that inspire lighting up and the cigarettes themselves. Attempting to reason with your smoking friends will not work. It doesn't mean that they don't care about you. It does mean that they care more about their cigarettes. Remember that cigarette smoking is an addiction. That means it defies logic. To stop smoking for good, you have to remove yourself from the influences that make it too easy for you to slip into unhealthy behavior. You can do it!

DEAR HARRIETTE: A wedding invitation just came in the mail addressed only to me -- not my husband. This was bizarre, considering the groom-to-be is our nephew. I deal with all of the mail, bills and house maintenance, so I think this could be foresight that I would be the only one seeing the invitation and RSVPing. Yet, I am still not positive. Should I call and ask if my husband was purposely not put on the envelope? Nothing has occurred in the family to have my husband not be invited. -- Not All the Names, Denver

DEAR NOT ALL THE NAMES: Under "normal" circumstances, a wedding invitation sent to a married couple should include both spouses. These days, you never know. Rather than wondering what the intention of the couple is, by all means, call and ask. Call the bride and congratulate her on her upcoming nuptials. Tell her that you received her invitation. As you were preparing to RSVP, you realize that the invitation was sent to you, but not to you and your husband. Ask her directly if your husband is invited. If you think he wants to attend, be clear with her that you would like for him to come with you. It is rare that a married couple is not invited as a unit. If she has room for you only, perhaps due to the number of guests that she can invite, you will then have to decide if you go alone or pass on participating. Either way, stay positive.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love utilizing social media to document my weight loss. I have been posting progress photos to a few of my social media pages, but I have been getting unsupportive comments. Normally, I would know to not listen to anonymous naysayers on the internet, but these are people I know! People think I am bragging every time I post a photo. I am just happy with my body, and they can unfollow me if they so please. Yet none of them do that. Why don't those with negative energy just unfollow me? I am not asking for them to see my pictures. -- Too Many Haters, Paramus, New Jersey

DEAR TOO MANY HATERS: Social media can swing different ways, especially for people who are documenting significant success in their lives. Weight loss ranks high among the topics that can trigger odd reactions. That said, if you are finding it helpful to post your successes on social media as a way to keep you honest and steadfast, continue to post. If, however, you are feeling shaken by the commentary that is coming your way from random social media contacts and friends, you may want to consider creating a smaller group that allows a specific group of like-minded participants to share your journey. What is most important for you is to surround yourself with people who will be supportive of your journey to a healthier body.

I recommend that you share your victories and defeats. Sharing your vulnerabilities makes you real and also balances your excitement about your success with the sobering other side of when things are not so easy. This will draw true supporters.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My roommate is going through legal troubles and has been accompanied by a sheriff wherever she goes. This has led to awkward situations involving me lounging at home and her coming in to "grab something" while a state trooper follows her. She has been barely communicating with me other than to tell me that "someone" will come by to collect her furniture.

I feel like I deserve to know more information about what is going on, but I feel like prying into her legal woes is invasive. Can I be asking more questions considering I live in the same home as her? -- My Rights, Washington, D.C.

DEAR MY RIGHTS: You do have the right to understand what is going on with your roommate under these conditions. To soften your inquiry, tell her that you wish you could honor her privacy completely, but because of the intrusion of state troopers in your home, you really need to know what is going on with her. Ask her to tell you what her legal troubles are specifically, if she will be able to continue paying her rent and what you can expect to experience in the future regarding her legal situation. If she is unwilling to reveal details, do some research. Review your lease, too. In case your roommate is arrested or otherwise becomes unable to pay her rent, you need to be ready to protect yourself. You may need to consult an attorney about this.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)