Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a high-maintenance person to buy gifts for. I am incredibly picky. Because of this, every year I ask for no presents for Christmas because I know I probably won't like them. Instead, I tell my family to buy another gift for their children or spouse. I am well-off and fortunate enough to buy myself the necessities. I tell the Christmas host, my sister, about my no-gift policy because she constantly goes overboard and then complains about being broke after the holidays. I never draw attention to the fact that I open one gift and always bring a gift for everyone else -- year after year. How can I finally make it clear to my sister to stop wasting her money on gifts I will never use? I'm already trying to plan for next year. -- It's Been Years, Wilmington, Delaware

DEAR IT'S BEEN YEARS: One way that families can reduce going broke buying gifts at Christmas is to focus the giving on the children. While you are a self-named "high-maintenance person," many adults are a bit picky and many have what they need. Sentimental cards can take the place of gifts. Another idea that some families use is to put adults' names in a box or bag, and everybody picks a name. In that way, each adult receives one gift that has a modest price cap to keep expenses down.

If you think your family would appreciate either of those choices, make the recommendation. You can point out to your sister that it will help her to manage her budget better. Otherwise, stay quiet.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have recently had a yoga revival. I used to be an avid yogi, and I have recently returned in order to lose weight and gain peacefulness. Recently, I saw acrobatic yoga videos on my social media pages and thought it'd be perfect to do with my boyfriend. It seems like a fun way to bond and get fit. The only problem is that he hates the idea. He apparently doesn't think yoga is manly enough. I want to do this with him and attend classes. Do I use my upcoming birthday as leverage? This is the first time he's refused to even attempt something I am passionate about. -- Future Acrobat, Denver

DEAR FUTURE ACROBAT: This might be the time that you go it alone. Since you are focused on your personal fitness and peacefulness, do not give up if he doesn't co-sign your idea. Go to a class to make sure you that you are doing the asanas properly. You do not want to hurt yourself. The next step can be following an acrobatic yoga video. If you do that at home, he will be able to see what you are doing and possibly try it out -- especially if it is in private. But even if he never catches on, you should continue your practice.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I love to plan my birthday celebrations. I feel like it is the one day a year I can completely make about me. This year, my girlfriend of almost a year was shocked to learn that I have been planning my own birthdays for all my adult life. According to her, the celebration should be planned by a partner, family or friends. She claims that this is a way of pampering whoever's birthday it is. I disagree; I like to know exactly what is going on. So who traditionally plans the birthday bash? -- Am I Wrong?, Patchogue, New York

DEAR AM I WRONG?: I believe that the tradition of having someone else plan your birthday celebration dates back to parents, usually mothers, planning parties for their children. It is true that in many relationships, friends or family members do continue that tradition by planning special events for their loved ones. Out of that tradition easily comes the surprise party, which some people love, and others abhor.

This leads us to you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you planning your own birthday parties. This allows you to create and control the type of event you want -- and even manage the guest list. I have been planning my birthday parties since I was a young adult. I totally get why you would like that. I will add, though, that if your girlfriend wants to be a part of your party planning, do your best to make room for her to participate. You can acknowledge your girlfriend's desire to pamper you and invite her to be your co-pilot. Admit that this is not your practice, so you need her to be flexible. Talk about your ideas with her. Once you make a definitive plan, ask her to take on certain responsibilities. Try it out. You may enjoy her participation and support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: To your reader with a bed-wetting child: When I was a small child, I wet the bed longer than many children do. I simply did not wake up to go to the bathroom. The solution was simple: My mother would set the alarm for 2 a.m. and get me up to go to the bathroom. Eventually, I learned to wake up and go when I needed to go. You may think that this is inconvenient, but it surely beats having to deal with a wet bed every day. Please try this method and be kind and considerate of the child. After all, the problem is quite embarrassing for her. -- Past Bed-Wetter, Minden, Louisiana

DEAR PAST BED-WETTER: Thank you so much for sharing the solution that worked for you. Bed-wetting is so embarrassing for the child experiencing it that it can easily debilitate social relationships and natural social growth. Your mother's solution was brilliant in that she figured out a behavioral pattern to support you, and it worked! I hope that other children will benefit from your story.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am obsessed with writing and performing slam poetry. Every time I have a performance coming up, I excitedly blast it all over social media. I write to group messages, email chains and make posts. Even after all of my effort, there is a very low turnout to my performances. I live in a city with great public transportation, so there aren't really any excuses to not come support me. All of my friends used to show up; now it seems like they don't support me anymore. How can I get attendance back up? -- Disgruntled, Chicago

DEAR DISGRUNTLED: You need to expand your social media reach. I learned long ago that you rarely build a business, including performance work, with your friends and family as your core support.

You have to do some research. Figure out who is interested in your performance poetry work, and appeal directly to them. This should include reaching out to performance venues. Ask if they will allow you to place postcards in their venues and if you can post on their message boards. Search the internet and discover what groups exist of people and businesses that are like-minded.

To get attendance back up, you must work at building a list of people who would be interested in attending your performances and purchasing copies of your media. You can continue to inform your friends. Just don't expect them to be your audience.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am about to go on an exciting international trip with my friends. We have been planning this for months now, and we are so excited for it to come to fruition. Out of the six of us, five have decided to get matching tattoos commemorating the experience. I am the only one who refuses. I hate this pressure I am getting to get inked. I adhere to the "You don't put a bumper sticker on a Bentley" philosophy, so I don't know how to tell my tattooed friends why I won't be joining them in this trip to the parlor without offending them.

How can I make it clear I won't be persuaded into this stupid tattoo? I fear they'll try to make the trip when we're intoxicated. -- No Stamps, Dallas

DEAR NO STAMPS: Group pressure can be very real, and clearly you are concerned about it. If you do not want to be part of a group tattoo experience, stick to your guns and don't do it. If you think that you could be "tricked" into getting tattooed against your will if you are intoxicated, then don't get intoxicated. It really is that simple, even if it is difficult in the moment.

Tell your friends that you love them, but you do not want to be tattooed. You can offer to take photos of them post-tattoo, or you can choose not to go to the tattoo parlor when they commit to getting their ink. The point is that if you are not in the room when it's happening, you can avoid being pressured into getting inked.

(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)