DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have recently made a decision that's caused a lot of tension in our family, particularly with our 22-year-old daughter. She now has a stable full-time job, and we've decided to cut off her financial support completely. Understandably, she's extremely upset about this. We've always striven to provide for our daughter and support her in every way possible. However, we've reached a point where we feel it's time for her to become fully independent and take control of her finances. We believe that by cutting off her financial support, she'll learn valuable lessons about responsibility and self-reliance. While we stand by our decision, we're struggling with how to handle our daughter's emotional reaction. She feels betrayed and abandoned, which breaks our hearts. We never intended to hurt her, but we're unsure of how to reassure her and help her understand our perspective. Is there a way to ease her distress while still standing firm in our decision? -- Independence
DEAR INDEPENDENCE: My question is whether this move was sudden. Did you discuss your plan with her so that she could prepare? Did you help her to think about the time when she would become independent so that she could evaluate her life and decide how to move forward as an independent adult? If not, you failed to do an important part of your job. You say that in the past you have provided for her in “every way possible.” That suggests that she has not had to be uncomfortable about money, experience the need to budget or make choices based on how much money she has, etc.
While I agree that it is important for grown children to learn to adult, i.e. fully care for themselves, I see far too often that overprotective and indulgent parents make it confusing for them to know how to take those important independent steps. Perhaps you can ease your daughter into independence by teaching her how to manage her money and plan rather than just cutting her off with no warning.