DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to lick food or liquid from around your mouth area or should you use your napkin instead?

An ice cream cone, of course, is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth. Nobody wants to waste the ice cream by wiping it away with a napkin. Are only certain foods ok to lick up with your tongue?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by saying an ice cream cone is impossible to eat without getting it all over your mouth? Miss Manners is shocked.

Do not -- repeat not -- push the cone top-first into your face. The tongue gets plenty of exercise, but on the ice cream, not on your face.

When the cone is presented, the tongue should circle the rim to catch any overlap. It is then employed to lick the ice cream in swirls until the remainder sinks into the cone (perhaps aided by a surreptitious push by the tongue when Miss Manners isn't looking), at which time it can be eaten in bites with the cone.

When you have mastered this, perhaps we can move on to barbecued spareribs.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one politely ask a neighbor, who's one block away to not snow blow my driveway in the future? I was awakened this morning by the sound of a snow blower going past my bedroom window. This kind person had cleared off my driveway once last year, and I thanked him, although I prefer to do the shoveling myself.

You might wonder why I would be annoyed (other than from being awakened by the machine) by a neighbor who kindly pushes his snowblower one block away to clear my driveway. I have numerous reasons: 1) Snowblowers are noisy and they pollute. 2) I find snowblowers unnecessary when I can clear the driveway in half an hour to an hour, depending on the amount of snowfall. 3) I enjoy snow shoveling! 4) I need the exercise. 5) I like to have my teenage daughter help me so she can learn to appreciate what physical labor is like.

I am not foolish enough to suggest that the neighbor has deprived me of the joy of snow shoveling (I'm going to help my neighbor as soon as I'm finished with this e-mail), exercise (I walk and take a rowing class) or the opportunity for my daughter to do some real work (she can scrub the bathtub). But still.

I will bake him a lemon poundcake and take it to him and his wife (they're parents of my daughter's friend) and thank him. I will say nothing of my annoyance. And the next time we have a snowstorm, I will get the shovel out at 6 a.m. and pre-empt my neighbor's good intentions.

But it would be nice to be able to shovel the snow after I've had my breakfast. So, if there's a polite way to say thanks but no thanks, please let me know.

GENTLE READER: How about also waking your daughter (so she can learn to appreciate a wintry dawn) and silently shoveling your neighbor's snow before he wakes up?

When he thanks you, you can tell him how much you (Miss Manners advises against saying "we" in case your daughter decides to speak up) actually enjoy doing this, right after breakfast; it's your favorite exercise, and you can hardly wait for it to snow again.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Today I was going through paperwork, arranging it for tax purposes.

It's necessary to point out that I am 10 years delinquent in contending with filing, due to PTSD, and have not been able to open so much as a bill (most things are paid out of my accounts direct) unless it is very easy to identify.

Much of the year I've worked with a therapist in preparing to overcome this. At first, mere mention would create an emotional and physical response that was rather out of context. I would be gridlocked for days at an e-mail talking about needing to do it. We got to the point I could handle this year's, which would still avoid the most painful of the paperwork, and help me develop a routine in simply working with any paperwork. The catalyst is my son is going into college, and I don't want my impairments to impair him from getting financial help.

A friend came over today to "help" and happened upon a social security document that was very personal inside. He laughed upon opening and reading it, though there had been no need because the front was clearly marked and could therefore be properly filed without personal information being read. It was my yearly statement about lifelong contributions.

It was a clear setback. My heart raced (and I had a heart attack two weeks ago), breathing became difficult, and I wasn't able to continue. I told him that felt very inappropriate and went to my room to be alone.

My therapist friend recommended I write to you and ask how that could have better been navigated had I had the presence of mind to be forthright, a prepared statement, so to speak. Perhaps with your insights I could handle that better myself should it come again.

GENTLE READER: Uh, wait. That seems the least of your problems. Miss Manners would like to respect your fragile condition but doubts that the government will be so delicate in dealing with your 10 years delinquency in paying taxes.

Nor can she summon up much indignation against your friend. By asking him to help you with your taxes, you made him privy to a great deal of information about your finances, and it is not always easy, when ploughing through mounds of paper, to distinguish what is relevant and what is not.

The only possible transgression was the laugh, but surely a close friend should be given the benefit of the doubt. Had you asked, "What's so funny?" you might have received an acceptable explanation.

In any case, Miss Manners wishes you luck with your physical, emotional and legal problems. They will not be lessened by your targeting a friend who was trying to help.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are having a surprise 50th birthday party for my mother. We would like to do just appetizers and bite-size desserts. The party starts at 7 p.m. Is this OK, or should be serve a buffet-style dinner?

GENTLE READER: What you have proposed serving is the menu for a tea party. Serve it at 7 and your guests will think it paltry. Serve it at 4 and Miss Manners assures you that they will think it lavish.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When at a public restroom and the person in the stall next to you receives a call, what should one do when finished with one's "business"?

Wait to flush until the call finishes (who knows how long that would be?) or flush and have her caller know where she is receiving the call? It's a dilemma.

GENTLE READER: Not really. Ask yourself which is the proper business in that particular location. Miss Manners is afraid that mistaken deference to an improper activity there could leave you stranded for some time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When the subject of my wedding came up, my father's girlfriend announced that in her day, the father of the bride was only responsible for paying for the alcohol at the wedding reception and maybe the flowers. The mother of the groom was responsible for having a tea to welcome the bride to the family, and all other wedding/reception costs were the responsibility of the mother of the bride.

I have never seen any tradition or etiquette that splits the financial responsibility for a wedding between the parents of the bride, only between the families of the bride and the groom. Is there a traditional split between what each parent of the bride is expected to pay?

I also wondered if there was some split in expected responsibilities between the parents of the bride (i.e., the mother of the bride will manage the food/wedding gown/etc., and the father of the bride will make sure that there's enough port), but I haven't been able to find anything in the etiquette books that makes either distinction.

My fiance and I are planning on paying for our own wedding and have put it off about a year in order to save the required amount. My father did offer to contribute but hasn't given us a figure, so we are budgeting within what we can save on our own.

My father's girlfriend suggested that I get a book of etiquette so that I can see the breakdown between parents, but I haven't found anything that addresses this. So I turn to you. Can you direct me to a source that contains such a breakdown?

It's a little distressing to me that every time my wedding comes up in front of my father, his girlfriend complains about the costs. With anyone else, I would just stop talking about the wedding, but this is my dad! We honestly never asked them for money or even if they might contribute. My dad's offer was made on his own, and I haven't brought it up since.

I'm at a loss for the polite thing to do and completely at sea looking for the financial responsibility breakdown she has requested.

GENTLE READER: As your research indicates, there is no such rule. It never fails to amaze Miss Manners how authoritative and pious some people suddenly become about etiquette when they think they can twist it to serve themselves.

It would be preposterous to dictate the divided financial responsibilities of husband and wife or ex-husband and wife. Even the idea that the bride's family alone gave the wedding referred to a time when the bride was about to transfer total financial dependence on them to the bridegroom. Miss Manners has always taken the approach that the couple and their families should decide among themselves who wants to contribute what, and that it is none of her business to send around invoices. And she can save you the trouble of researching to see what business it is of the father's friend.

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