Miss Manners^®

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to eat a cupcake when one is not given a fork? Should I ask for a fork? I always seem to make a mess without one.

GENTLE READER: The cupcake is the fried chicken of the dessert world: It should properly be eaten only informally or with family, where it may be picked up with the hands -- and the mess and facial decorations are part of the fun.

Since the turn of the modern century, however, it has become common to serve cupcakes at weddings and other formal settings, often without the accompanying and necessary utensils. The results have been, as you say, a disaster.

Guests have had to get creative. Miss Manners has even witnessed the advent of frosting sandwiches, where consumers take off the bottom half of the cake and place it on top.

But if hosts insist on serving cupcakes outside of children’s birthday parties, their guests will be obliged to ask for the proper implements. Tablecloths, silk dresses and upper lips will be eternally grateful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some close family members of mine have become strident in their political views to the point that politics is all they ever talk about. I find it tiring to listen to nothing but regurgitated cable news sound bites from them. However, they are rather thin-skinned about any criticisms of their viewpoints, no matter how ridiculous.

These relatives use all types of media to do this: email, telephone, web links, etc.

What is the best way to distract and redirect them -- politely, so as not to cause a small nuclear war?

GENTLE READER: It’s not a conversation, nor a correspondence, unless you respond. When a rant is finished, which happens faster if it is greeted by silence, it will be your turn to start a new conversation about other, more pleasant topics. To apply a polite veneer, you could open with, “There is so much that’s awful in the news at the moment that we find ourselves wanting to talk to family about anything else. How is Aunt Ginny’s new ferret?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbors’ children are constantly screaming at the top of their voices when they play. I was always told that screaming was to be done only in an emergency.

How can I politely ask the neighbors to encourage their children to keep the noise level at a more appropriate volume? I’m also concerned that the children often play in the street, which is dangerous.

GENTLE READER: Express that concern, in regard to all applicable screaming and playing: “Is everything all right? We heard screaming coming from your children and got worried. Also, we know that the streets are quieter than usual right now, but you never know when someone might come out of nowhere and hurt them while they are playing there.”

If you are feeling generous, you might further remind the children about crying wolf, in the terrible event that they do get hurt. But Miss Manners would not blame you if you decided to enjoy some quiet instead.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve noticed I tend to respond to emails from my colleagues with the term “guys,” regardless of the gender of the recipients -- i.e., “Thanks, guys.”

I also do this if I’m responding to an email when all the recipients are female. I also do this in person, unless all the people I’m addressing are female, in which case I will use the term “ladies.”

Is there more of an ambiguous or polite term I should be using? And does it matter if I’m referring to only females? For some reason, “Thanks, ladies” seems condescending to me in an email, but perhaps I’m too sensitive. I have a great deal of respect for my colleagues and would hate to learn I’ve ever offended any of them.

GENTLE READER: Email affords you the opportunity to choose your words carefully, and to know whom you are addressing. However, there is rarely a need to identify groups in terms of gender, so why not give it up entirely? “Thanks, everyone” or even just “Thanks” is sufficient to end a letter or discussion.

Miss Manners has noticed that others have taken up her distaste for “you guys” as a generic, supposedly gender-neutral greeting. And the strange notion that a feminine form such as “ladies” is perceived as an insult further corroborates that inherent bias. Until we find a greeting that is truly gender-neutral and satisfactory, Miss Manners suggests that we all give up addressing mass audiences by gender entirely. It seems inevitable to get it wrong or cause offense.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a relative who exercises during conversations. It used to be that she would drop to the floor and do situps, leg lifts or pushups. Family members didn’t know what to say or do, but after she had left, we all agreed that we thought the behavior was quite strange. She even used to do leg stretches in the aisle at restaurants, and I worried that she would trip the wait staff.

Now, she no longer drops to the floor, but does standing stretches and yoga-type exercises. It’s extremely distracting to any conversation the rest of the family is enjoying, particularly when she stands in the line of sight between two people who are conversing.

Is there anything we could or should do to stop this behavior? Currently, I leave the room when this occurs, taking a very long time to get a drink or find a tissue, but then I miss the conversations. There is often no place I can escape to. Do we continue to tolerate such odd behavior?

GENTLE READER: “Mary Louise, I admire how committed you are to fitness, but it is somewhat difficult to hear you or others while you are doing all that heart-healthy breathing. Perhaps you can take a break while we talk so that all of us can enjoy the conversation. Later, I would love to have you show me some of your more effective moves.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What advice do you have for organizers of annual events, in light of cancellations brought on by the pandemic?

If I were the organizer of, say, the 75th Annual Springfield Souvenir Spoon Show and Swap Meet, I would have already made the difficult decision to cancel the 2020 event. So, what do I call the show and swap meet that I am organizing for 2021? Can it still be labeled an annual event, even though we skipped a year? And is it the 75th?

I just canceled that jubilee event! Can we celebrate our 75th show in 2021 and still, in good conscience, proclaim to be an annual event?

GENTLE READER: While the COVID-19 pandemic may be new, the reality that unanticipated events will affect the best-laid plans is not. Europe is littered with summer festivals that went on hiatus during World War II, if not for the Fourth Crusade.

Next year’s Spoon Show and Swap Meet will be the 75th, even though it is the 2021 event. Miss Manners reminds you that there are two reasons to explicitly label an event as annual: the hope that when people attend this time, they will put it on the calendar for next year; and the bragging rights of being an institution. The former will, one hopes, have effect again soon. And the footnote around the latter will enhance your reputation by emphasizing your longevity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We take care of a former neighbor (let’s call her Mary) who is largely a shut-in. When another neighbor recently passed away, Mary wrote a sympathy card to the widower of the deceased, addressed it “John Doe, widower,” and asked us to deliver it.

We feel that this is in extremely bad taste, and are holding the letter until we can decide what to do.

Mary has a barely concealed crush on John Doe, and we feel she has designs on him. Addressing the card “widower” seems like pouring salt on an already-open wound. Oh, did I mention that this letter was written on the day John’s wife died?

What should we do with this card?

GENTLE READER: As it is too late to avoid accepting the letter, you are going to have to speak with your former neighbor to explain why you have not delivered it.

“We saw John and we were going to give him your letter, but he was so distraught that we realized you would not want to make him feel worse with an envelope addressed to ‘widower.’ Would you mind if we put your letter in a new envelope before we deliver it?”

If the friend declines, then apologize and return the letter to her. If not, address the envelope -- and drop it in the mail.

Miss Manners realizes this is not the delivery method your neighbor is expecting, but she is equally confident that you do not want to be associated with whatever further insensitivity is to be found inside the envelope.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)