DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a relationship with someone, but not living together. I have a key to her place, and recently locked the door when I left after a visit, so she would not have to get out of the chair she was sitting in with her dogs. She yelled at me not to lock her door, that she could lock her own door.

Was I wrong trying to be courteous and lock the door behind me? I told her she could have her key back -- that way, I wouldn’t be able to lock the door behind me, since she thought it was very rude. She said that wasn’t the point and to keep the key.

Was I being rude? What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That this whole argument might well be more metaphorical than literal. Miss Manners suggests you find out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to a takeout restaurant and took my finished order to a bench to eat it. They had given me another item, probably more expensive than I ordered, and something I like quite a bit. I went back, showed them the item and the error, which they acknowledged.

However, they were unwilling to give me the correct order without taking back the error, which was now unsuitable to be served again. I said no, that they should give me my original order without demanding the other.

I suspect it was a special order, and that there was embarrassment about failing to give the proper buyer his or her order. I prevailed. Was I right, or should I have surrendered the salmon misoyaki?

GENTLE READER: Online retail giants have spoiled us. Not only have they made consumers think that anything more than free, two-day shipment is outrageous, but they have also warped our thinking by giving us the occasional freebie in place of a return -- when the reality is that the transaction is inconsequential to them and not worth the trouble.

Now we have come to expect it. However, in the small business world, a retailer’s mistake does not cancel out the need to hand over the goods. That is the nature of a return. The noun is also a verb, and it requires action.

Miss Manners is therefore afraid that you should have surrendered the salmon -- even while she cringes at the image of the rightful recipient receiving prehandled food.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a polite way to ask someone their name if you forgot it? I have found myself in this awkward situation numerous times and never know what to say.

GENTLE READER: “I am so sorry -- I know that we have met before, but please tell me your name again. I’m Jacinda Wilsome.”

Miss Manners assures you, however, that you can only get away with this tactic once before you start to test the person’s patience -- and powers of forgiveness.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother-in-law is a bully. For many years, I tried everything to make this relationship work. I attempted to ingratiate myself, politely stood up to her, and let the tears fall as she insulted me. According to her, it is not her fault that I am too stupid to do anything right and am so ridiculously hypersensitive -- two of many things she cannot stand about me.

I try to manage the situation by encouraging my husband to visit her alone, and to call her with reasonable frequency. Our adult kids refuse to see her because of the way she treats me, which is not my wish, nor do I want to be the cause of a rift between my husband and his mother.

However, her tongue is getting sharper with age, and I am becoming more resentful -- both of the way she treats me, and the fact that my husband ignores the outrageous behavior and demands that I do the same. I believe that he can care about his mom, be a good son and still tell her firmly that she must not speak to his wife in an abusive manner.

He says she will never change, there is no point to confronting her, and I should just be grateful she does not live next door. I feel his silence gives her permission to be unkind, and tells me that I don’t matter to him at all. After so long, I have come to realize that “Mom” is not the only one who will never change, but I am deeply hurt every time.

This has been a particularly bad year for me, far beyond the COVID-induced stress that we are all feeling. I am dreading an upcoming visit, and am not sure I can handle myself in a way that I would not later be ashamed of. Under the circumstances, would it ever be OK to just walk out and not return until her visit is over?

GENTLE READER: The dictate to “turn the other cheek” is catchy, which may explain the popular misconception that it is a rule of etiquette as well as of religion. It is not.

If your husband is unable, or unwilling, to modify his mother’s unacceptable behavior, then it is time to absent yourself when she is present. Walking out in a huff would be rude, which is why you will be discovering unavoidable conflicts, for which you will apologize on your way out the door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son-in-law’s parents, Maya and Geoff, divorced a long time ago and remarried, but the two couples remained friendly and cordial. Maya’s second husband passed away a few years back, so Geoff often helps her out with minor repairs in her house.

Now Geoff has a terminal illness. When he dies, I would like to send a condolence to Maya. How should I phrase it? “Sorry about the passing of your ex”? “Your friend”?

GENTLE READER: Refer to the deceased by name. There is, Miss Manners assures you, no need for a condolence letter to define the relationship between recipient and deceased, which the lady is, in any case, in a better position to do than you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to people who own lots of electronic gadgets, such as smartphones, tablets, computers, etc., and participate in every social media platform and software program, and who insist -- not in a polite way -- that I also be similarly hooked up, expose my life to the world and be available to them every second?

It is fine with me if they want to do this, but I DO NOT wish to. Ideas?

GENTLE READER: Assure them that you are old-fashioned in valuing your privacy and the company of real friends?

Perhaps not. Miss Manners rules that option out on the grounds of tact, but realizes that it could equally well be eliminated because it will only arouse scorn.

When she admits her own technological ineptitude, she has perfected a tone which, while the words may be self-deprecating (“I’m so sorry, that’s quite beyond me”), makes clear to anyone paying attention that offers to instruct her would not be greeted with enthusiasm. She has quite a different and humbler tone for those whose aid she might require to get her out of technological trouble.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On a walk with friends, along with other people I didn’t know, a person in the group described someone as being “deaf and dumb.” I think that description is derogatory to those not able to hear and/or speak. Not knowing the person who had spoken, I wasn’t sure if I should speak up, and I admit I remained quiet. Would I have been rude to correct a stranger?

Interestingly, I was watching an old crime show rerun, and the criminal evading arrest was described as “deaf and dumb.” Apparently even on television, the term was acceptable.

It is doubtful I will see this woman again. Did I miss an opportunity to educate someone? The description of a person with such a condition was, in my opinion, inappropriate, disrespectful and derogatory. Hopefully, if the person had been in her presence, he or she wouldn’t have known what was being said.

GENTLE READER: That, too, is something you should not assume.

Many terms once in common usage are now rightly considered disrespectful, and this is one of them. But not all outdated terms are equally offensive -- an important point in measuring your response.

As historically disenfranchised groups find their voices, it is common for the accepted term put forward by a group to evolve. Your reaction must take into account who first coined the term, how recently it has been abandoned, how widely the newer term is known and what was the genuine (as distinct from stated) intent of the speaker.

If this sounds complicated, that is because it is. Correcting another person is rude, and Miss Manners approves, rather than condemns, your failure to do so.

The impulse to educate is commendable. She merely recommends that, as you admit not knowing the history of this particular term, you start with yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)