-- Alberta (Canada) judge Shelagh Creagh ruled in October that prison inmate Shane Arthur Wilson could not be punished for carrying around a homemade plastic knife since Wilson said the knife was only for defending himself against prison gangs. This, and a similar decision currently being appealed by another Alberta judge have predictably outraged prison guards across Canada. And a November Washington Post dispatch from Mexico reports that escaping from prison is not a crime in that country (nor is running away from police or lying about guilt) because, as one Supreme Court justice put it, Mexico respects the individual's "basic desire for freedom."

-- Absolutely the Least Substantial Reason for a Knife Fight: Police in Mansfield Township and Hackettstown, N.J., charged Emmanuel Nieves, 23, with aggravated assault on Nov. 13 after he allegedly slashed the face of his friend Erik Saporito, 21, as the two men fought after arguing over which one had more hair on his buttocks.

Sumpter Township, Mich., Supervisor Elmer Parraghi, 74, and Finance Director Dwayne Seals, 35, habitually, viciously feuding about business issues, recently obtained judicial restraining orders against each other, even though both work in a four-office building. And in September during the annual, vituperative Miami-Dade County (Fla.) budget hearing, Commissioner Natacha Seijas snapped at Chairwoman Gwen Margolis for interrupting her: "You're going to leave here in a body bag if you keep this up." And in June (according to telephone records obtained by the Tulsa World newspaper), Oklahoma State Rep. Chad Stites angrily told a Tulsa official whose department was badgering him about code violations on Stites' property that he would "neuter you sons of a (sic) bitches."

-- In September, Robert Rozenhart, now 56, won his 7-year-old lawsuit against Skier's Sportshop (Edmonton, Alberta) for injuries suffered on his maiden attempt to in-line skate, which came after a Skier's employee tried unsuccessfully to tell Rozenhart not to venture out until the store's instructor arrived to help him. Rozenhart skated away anyway, and was on a downward incline when he first realized he did not know how to stop.

-- In October, Kevin William Presland, 44, commenced his lawsuit against the James Fletcher Hospital in Newcastle, Australia, in which he is asking to be financially compensated because, he said, hospital personnel released him prematurely after a brief psychiatric admission in 1995 and thus made it easy for him to kill his prospective sister-in-law a few hours later. Presland's lawyer acknowledges that nothing can be done to help the woman's family but says Presland, at least, deserves a payoff. The hospital says Presland was calm and rational and that it had no legal basis for detaining him.

-- James Anibella filed a federal lawsuit in October challenging the constitutionality of the Colorado law that sets a voter registration deadline of 29 days before an election, a deadline that Anibella admitted he knew about but was too busy to bother with; Anibella characterizes the 29-day deadline as merely "some snafu in the law." And after Bryan Furrow, 17, was charged in Manchester, Conn., in August with masturbating in front of 10 children (and sexually touching five of them), his mother, Lenora Furrow, told reporters that Bryan had simply "made a wrong judgment call."

-- Conscientious workers at the ARO Campulung auto plant in Romania offered in October to help pay off the company's debts by selling their sperm to a fertility clinic in the city of Timisoara, at the equivalent of (U.S.) $50 a session. Said the plant's union leader, "We have found (a solution) that even the best economists have never thought of." (However, to pay the equivalent (U.S.) $20 million debt in full would require 400,000 sessions, or 400 sessions for each of the 1,000 males at the plant.)

-- In October, all 21 volunteer firefighters of Elgin, Iowa, submitted letters of resignation after they were told they could no longer keep beer at the firehouse. (Later in the month, they backed off in exchange for the City Council's agreeing to open an investigation of Councilwoman Jean Roach, who is the person who allegedly first ratted them out to the city's insurance carrier.)

Adventures With Gasoline: Octavio Soto, 44, and Jose Cezares, 23, were hospitalized with third-degree burns in Fitchburg, Mass., in September when they attempted to saw into the vehicle gas tank in which they had hidden $100,000 worth of cocaine; an errant spark from their sawing created a flash fire. And two men escaped after an unsuccessful attempt to rob a guy filling up at the Swifty Service Station in Indianapolis in October; the victim merely flicked the gasoline hose at the men, dousing them and sending them scampering.

In October, the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child told Great Britain it should repeal its parental-right-to-spank law because spanking violates an international corporal-punishment treaty (which the U.S. has declined to honor, as well). In September, the North Tyneside (England) Council advised a local business group not to hold the annual children's Christmas caroling contest this year because it would be a bad experience for the kids who did not win. In October, Mayor Shelton Richardson of North Randall, Ohio, charging racism, proposed to make it illegal for any gas station to make customers pay before pumping (despite a marked recent increase in customer "drive-offs").

Mayor Jay Lee of Virgin, Utah (a town that once required a gun in every house for self-defense and that also once banned United Nations activities within its borders), announced there would be a $25 charge for anyone who wished to speak up at Town Council meetings (October). Alabama, one of two states to ban the sale of devices whose main function is to assist in sexual pleasure, had its law declared unconstitutional by a federal judge (October). One of the Indiana fast-food workers who in 2001 submitted to body searches by their managers, after a pervert made bogus "police" telephone requests of the managers, filed a federal lawsuit against Burger King (October).

Officials at Somerville (N.J.) High School warned students in October to stop trying to get high by choking each other into unconsciousness. (With the so-called "California Knockout," a student holds his breath for 10 seconds to get light-headed, after which a pal squeezes his neck to put him out.) And University of Pennsylvania researchers found that the average price of a black-market human kidney in India has dropped (despite insufficient supply) from the equivalent of (U.S.) $1,603 to $975, suggesting that wealthier, kidney-needing people have learned how to put the squeeze on impoverished donors.

After five months of nightly practice, Jonathan Smith of Delaware, Ohio, beat 16 finalists (out of 50,000 entrants) for the $1 million DeWalt power-screwing championship by drilling five screws in less than seven seconds (Phoenix). Only a $1,200 first prize was offered, however, in November's international championship of the World Rock Paper Scissors Society (Toronto). At an annual judicial conference, Taiwanese judges voted 49-11 that oral sex, without intercourse, should not be a legal ground for adultery (Taipei). Japan, in a long economic stagnation, posted an encouraging 0.8 percent growth in personal consumption in August, but economists noted the main component was a 34 percent rise in spending on funerals.

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Newsweird@aol.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)

-- Even with a $1.4 million grant from the National Institutes of Health, Dr. Nicholas Gonzalez is having trouble attracting pancreatic-cancer patients for his Columbia University study (only 25 of 90 slots filled), perhaps because the treatment's most prominent component is twice-a-day coffee enemas. A Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center doctor called the regimen "ludicrous," but Gonzalez said the caffeine stimulates nerves in the bowel, helping the liver with detoxification, according to an October Wired magazine report. His initial pilot program reported significant benefits of the treatment but was regarded with skepticism in that it included only 11 patients.

-- The for-profit school administration company Edison Schools Inc., reportedly low on cash but with 20 particularly troublesome Philadelphia high schools to manage, tried to cut some corners in September until reined in by the school board. According to an October dispatch in Toronto's Globe and Mail, Edison ran low on cash and (1) had to send back newly ordered textbooks, computers, lab supplies and musical instruments; (2) tried to move its Philadelphia executives out of their downtown offices and into vacant school-system rooms to save on rent; and (3) suggested to the school board that students could acquire valuable experience if they were assigned various work projects (for free) for Edison. The latter two ideas were thwarted by the school board, but the students were still making do with old books and equipment.

Scheduled to marry in December in Flint, Mich.: Ms. Laura Kah and Mr. Scott Boom (although she plans be just plain Laura Boom). And in May, the prosecutor in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., charged four men with stealing tires: Edgar Spencer, his son Edgar Spencer (Jr.), the older man's brother Edgar (W.) Spencer, and his son, Edgar (W.) Spencer (Jr.) And the Santa Cruz (Calif.) Sentinel, in an August story on the town's shrinking 1960s-'70s hippie population, interviewed among others (legal names) Mr. Climbing Sun, Mr. Shalom Dreampeace Compost and Mr. (no last name) Chip; other recent residents such as Darting Hummingbird Over a Waterfall, Moonbeam Moonbeam and "XXXXXXXX X" were not available.

-- Several doctors of the government-funded British National Health Service plan to start prescribing personal vibrators for female sexual dysfunction, according to a September report in The Observer. A sex boutique operator welcomed the development, describing the previous devices "used for dilating vaginas" as "frightening" and crosses between "toilet brushes and medieval torture implements." (In October, the medical clinic at the private Cornell University was about to begin selling vibrators in its dispensary.)

-- In October, the State Department awarded a $15,000 "outstanding performance" bonus to the head of the office that permitted 13 of the 19 Sept. 11 hijackers to enter the country via expedited U.S. visas. Mary Ryan, who retired in September after a 36-year tenure (reportedly eased out after she defended her "visa express" program even after Sept. 11), received the award specifically for the 12-month period beginning April 2001. The express program, which was spearheaded by the U.S. Consul General in Riyadh, Thomas Furey (who also got a bonus), allowed Saudi nationals to apply over the Internet without ever being seen by a U.S. official.

-- A state humanities and arts panel named Amiri Baraka the poet laureate of New Jersey earlier this year, several months after he had written a poem suggesting that Jews, and President Bush, had advance knowledge of the Sept. 11 attacks. Gov. James McGreevey, who announced the appointment in August 2002, now wants Baraka to resign, but Baraka has refused. In addition to the $10,000 the poet laureate receives from the state, Baraka has gotten several five-figure taxpayer grants for his poetry, favorite themes of which are attacks on religion, whites and Jews.

-- Sculptor-painter Antonio Becerra's government-funded "Oils on Dogs" exhibition opened in Santiago, Chile, in August, consisting of the artist's paintings (e.g., Pope John Paul and a cross, blue and orange butterflies) on the embalmed cadavers of a dozen roadkill dogs Becerra had found on the city's streets. Becerra called the work a reflection of society's violence and cruelty, but animal rights activists were appalled at his lack of respect for the dogs.

-- Retired graphics designer J. Jules Vitali has created more than 1,000 pieces of small art in his preferred medium, foam polystyrene (Styrofoam) cups (some with flourishes of acrylics or bronze), according to an October Boston Globe profile. He took up his craft with a carry-out coffee cup and a Craftsman knife 20 years ago, inspired, he said, by boredom. A display of his "Styrogami," with pieces priced at up to $800, is housed at the Freeport (Maine) Public Library.

Recent Paraphilias: Ian Cheeseman, 34, already locked up in Ottawa, Ontario, was charged in September with having made about 250 collect calls from prison trying to trick young girls (by offering them Backstreet Boys concert tickets, among other things) into urinating into a cup near the phone. And a judge in Omaha, Neb., ruled in October that a confession made by former teacher Mike Florea, 35, was admissible in his sex-abuse trial; he had told police that he would pay boys $20 to $25 if they would ejaculate into small containers, which Florea then stored in his freezer.

Chattanooga, Tenn., police told the city's WTVC-TV in October that they had arrested Rudy Raines for possession of about a pound of marijuana, after Raines allegedly walked nonchalantly into a Fast Food and Fuel convenience store, past officer David Ashley, and uninhibitedly placed a stash of marijuana into the store's microwave oven because, he said, he needed to dry it out. Raines was arrested, along with another man sleeping in Raines' car in the parking lot.

-- More Flaming Pop Tarts: Deanna Robinson and her insurance company filed a lawsuit in Atlanta in August against Kellogg's, alleging that the poor design of Pop Tarts is the reason one burst into flames in her toaster two years ago, igniting a house fire that did more than $10,000 in damage. Kellogg's has had to defend Pop Tarts' flammability before, in New Jersey and Ohio lawsuits (which it settled) and against newspaper columnist Dave Barry, who wrote of his experience of inducing 30-inch-high flames from Pop Tarts in his own toaster.

-- The Food Chain Thwarted Again: A 55-year-old man was killed in October as he and a colleague were preparing to butcher a hog on a farm near Frazee, Minn. According to authorities, after one of them fired his .22-caliber rifle, hitting the hog, it at first fell back, then lurched forward against the rifle, causing it to discharge again, fatally hitting the other man.

James F. Welles, author of the book "Understanding Stupidity" and an authority on dumb decisions, was arrested for soliciting sex on the Internet from a "15-year-old girl" who was really a 40-year-old policeman (Lantana, Fla.) Mr. Besh Serdahely, 58, and his wife vacated the tree house on San Bruno Mountain (just south of San Francisco), which, for the last 12 years, they have called home (to the consternation of county officials). And health officials in Tororo, Uganda, warned prospective (but impoverished) brides that they are ruining their valuable, malaria-stopping white mosquito nets if they use them as bridal gowns. And a bold bank robber was arrested in Tehran, Iran, even though he thought he was invisible (thanks to a special piece of parchment he had bought from a man on the street for about $550).

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Newsweird@aol.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)

-- Among issues in the months-long labor-management strife at the Taronga Zoo (Sydney, Australia): Workers have resisted managers' alleged solution for getting Kibabu the gorilla to mate (following his rejection of all females for six years now), which was to have the keepers sedate him, stimulate him manually, and collect his sperm in a container (but that, said one keeper, would be "too bloody dangerous. What if he woke up?"). It now appears that zoo officials are resigned to use technology instead, by a process called electro-ejaculation. Earlier, workers had announced a partial strike for a 3 percent pay increase, in that they would stop picking up animals' droppings (whereupon management began docking their pay of the "poo allowance" of the equivalent of US $2.40 an hour.

-- On Nov. 2, skydiver Ron Sirull (1,000 career jumps) performed at the Air and Space Show at Vandenberg Air Force Base (just north of Lompoc, Calif.), accompanied by his Dachshund, Brutus the Skydiving Dog (100 career jumps), to the protests of animal-rights activists but (according to Sirull) to the delight of Brutus, who was "totally turned on." (Brutus doesn't jump alone; he wears goggles and rides in Sirull's jumpsuit. According to Sirull, Brutus' vet and the Arizona Humane Society say the jumps are safe.)

In August, Brian Lynch of Scotchtown, N.Y., was convicted of stealing $8,000 in donations intended for a Sept. 11 FDNY widow. Also in August, Vernon Coleman, 32 (of Philadelphia), and Dane Coleman, 28 (of Upper Darby, Pa.) (who are not related), were arraigned on charges of stealing $35,000 from a donation fund for Afghan children displaced by the war. Also in August, New York City landlord Denise M. Lyman announced she would not allow the family of Sept. 11 victim Danielle Kousoulis into Danielle's old apartment to secure DNA to help detect her remains because Danielle had breached her Sept. 1, 2001, lease by failing to give three months' notice before "abandoning" the apartment.

-- According to a September New York Times report, New York City homeless-shelter workers believe that "50 to 75 percent" of the current population of 8,000 families (2,000 more than the year before) are "unreasonably picky" about moving into permanent assisted housing, thus remaining in temporary apartments at an average cost to the city of $2,800 per family per month. Sara Kelly, a mother of six and eight-year assisted-housing client, said she could not accept a three-bedroom apartment because "you had to walk through one bedroom to get to another bedroom to get to a bathroom (and) I can't live like that. (I am) choosy about where I live."

-- In White River Junction, Vt., in October, Stewart Fuller, 41, was charged with looting about $30,000 worth of goods from the house of neighbors Roger and Shirley Labelle (who were away) and holding a three-day yard sale nearby so that when the Labelles returned, they couldn't help but notice that some of their neighbors had their stuff.

-- Earlier this year, 89 wives, daughters and lovers of wealthy or powerful Mexican men posed chicly in extravagant settings with complete lack of inhibition about their opulence, for photographer Daniela Rossell's coffee-table book, "Ricas y Famosas" ("Rich and Famous"), thus appearing to taunt the 53 percent of Mexicans who live in poverty. Rossell, who comes from the upper class herself, and is thought to have made the book in part because of conflicted views of her upbringing, has since received threats from the embarrassed wealthy, who apparently miscalculated how their pictures would be perceived.

Herbert Toney, 36, and Latisha Washington, 29, were arrested in October in St. Bernard Parish, just outside New Orleans, and face several charges including deserting their 8-year-old son. According to police, the couple instructed the son to go into a Winn Dixie supermarket and steal groceries and beer. When a security guard stopped him, the boy pointed out his parents nearby, but Toney and Washington matter-of-factly denied knowing the kid and walked away. Deputies brought the couple in again a while later, but Washington said only that maybe she had seen the boy around the neighborhood a few times. Finally, she admitted he was hers.

According to a July Reuters photo dispatch from the mountains of northeast Colombia, U'wa Indian girls' traditional "cocora" hats, designed to encourage chastity from puberty until marriage, consist of oversized cones made of layers of large sheets of green leaves, all completely covering the girls' heads, except for narrow eye slits.

Suspected cult leader Scott Caruthers, 57, was arrested in September in Carroll County, Md., and charged with conspiracy to murder the ex-husbands of two of his alleged disciples; according to a Baltimore Sun report, Caruthers has claimed to be an alien who reported back to the mother ship by messages to cats. And Dem Mam, 54, head of a fringe Buddhist cult, was freed from custody in October, having been determined not responsible for three disciples' immolating themselves in a bathtub of gasoline in a Cambodian countryside pagoda; Dem Mam teaches that ritual suicide is the only path to heaven but told police that he did not need to commit suicide himself because he is already holy enough.

Ronnie Dale Jones, 33, was arrested in Brevard, N.C., in September after he, for some reason, drove into a parking lot and past several police officers standing by their cars, talking; Jones apparently had momentarily forgotten he had a very large marijuana plant in his back seat. And a 22-year-old man was detained by a sheriff's deputy in Gainesville, Fla., in October after he had been stopped routinely for an expired tag; as the men were conversing casually, the deputy noticed a rolled-up marijuana joint behind the man's ear (to which the motorist said, "Man, I forgot that was back there").

In Tucson, Ariz., in August, Iris Jazmin Rangel, 24, was sentenced to three years' probation in the death of her 10-month-old daughter in a minor collision caused by Rangel's inability to brake quickly enough; her attention was diverted because she was breastfeeding the girl at the time. And South Carolina Highway Patrol officers said in July that Marie Butler, 20, triggered a five-car collision on State Road 90, sending three people to the hospital, when she lost control of her car while changing clothes during her drive to work.

Arrested for murder: Anthony Wayne Grimm (Springfield, Ill., August); Daryl Wayne Smith (Wheeling, W.Va., August); Seth Wayne Campbell (Houston, July); Douglas Wayne Clark (Austin, Texas, October). Convicted of murder: Gary Wayne Davis (Louisville, Ky., September). Arrested on suspicion of murder at press time: Michael Wayne Bartlett (Ridgetop, Tenn., October). [Springfield Journal-Register, 8-21-02] [The Intelligencer (Wheeling, W.Va.), 8-6-02]

The North Korean government gave its top yearly science prize to Pyongyang Hospital for developing a rhubarb-and-marijuana concoction that is "97 percent effective" in curing constipation. Adele Robinson and several other New York City public-school contract teachers were mailed checks for 1 cent to correct a calculation error on summer-class pay. Cheyenne Harley Kahnapace, 26, pleaded guilty to violating his parole restrictions after a police officer caught him out for a walk pushing a baby stroller containing a small keg of beer (Regina, Saskatchewan). Prominent entomologist Elmo Hardy passed away at age 88, his legacy secure in that 50 species of flies are named for him (Honolulu).

(Send your Weird News to Chuck Shepherd, P.O. Box 18737, Tampa, Fla. 33679 or Newsweird@aol.com, or go to www.NewsoftheWeird.com/.)