A local chapter of the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees in Battle Creek, Michigan, is butting heads with Western Michigan University this summer after the school brought in a goat crew to clean up an overgrown woodlot on campus, leaving union workers without jobs. The AFSCME's grievance cites a collective bargaining agreement with WMU, but university officials counter that "the area is rife with poison ivy and other invasive species," which are difficult for humans to remove. The 20-goat crew, rented from Munchers on Hooves in Coldwater, Michigan, is ahead of schedule in clearing a 15-acre area. [Battle Creek Enquirer, 7/6/2017]

With Friends Like These ...

Robert Kanoff, 49, celebrated Independence Day in an unusual way: High on drugs, he was dropped off in his birthday suit at a Tempe, Arizona, Walmart by two people who thought it would be "funny to see him naked," said police. There he walked around the store wearing only shoes and carrying methamphetamines. Maricopa County sheriff's officers caught up with him around 10 p.m. across the street from the store. [The Arizona Republic, 7/7/2017]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

First bikes, then cars ... now umbrellas. Maybe. Sharing E Umbrella hit the streets of 11 Chinese cities in April with more than 300,000 umbrellas for rent from subway and bus stations. Unfortunately, the company's founder, Zhao Shuping, didn't provide instructions about returning the rentals after use, and most of the umbrellas have disappeared. Zhao noted his mistake, saying, "Umbrellas are different from bicycles. ... With an umbrella you need railings or a fence to hang it on." He plans to replenish his stock with 30 million umbrellas nationwide by the end of the year. [The Straits Times, 7/7/2017]

Questionable Judgments

The Do Son Buffalo Fighting Festival, in which water buffalo are pitted against each other, has been a tradition in Hai Phong, Vietnam, since the 18th century. But on July 1, buffalo trainer Dinh Xuan Huong, 46, met his doom when his own bull turned on him. The buffalo first knocked Dinh to the ground, then flipped him over its head, goring Dinh's leg with its horn. Dinh later died at the Vietnam-Czech Friendship Hospital. Buffalo fighting was stopped in the country during the Vietnam War, but the fights resumed in 1990. [Daily Mail, 7/5/2017]

Under the Influence

-- Police in Slidell, Louisiana, stopped a "car full of drunks" on July 8 and arrested the driver for driving while intoxicated. The car's passengers rode home in a taxi, but one of the women then drove back to the police station to bail out the driver. Slidell officers arrested the woman for DWI, and she joined her friend in jail. "Lesson of the day," Slidell officers posted on their Facebook page: "Don't drive drunk to a police station in order to bail out your drunk friend!" [United Press International, 7/11/2017]

-- Police in Swansea, Illinois, suspect the heir to a brewery fortune has graduated from driving drunk to flying high. August Adolphus Busch IV, 53, landed his helicopter around noon on July 10 in an office complex parking lot outside St. Louis. Police and FAA investigators were still trying to determine why he had landed there and whether any aviation laws had been broken when they were called back to the parking lot around 8 p.m., where Busch, appearing to be intoxicated, was trying unsuccessfully to take off. Swansea police reported that Busch failed field sobriety tests but passed a breath test, and after they secured a warrant, Busch was taken to a local hospital for blood tests. (Also found in the helicopter: four loaded guns, several prescription pill bottles and eight dogs.) At press time, no charges had been filed. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 7/12/2017]

Lacking a Filter

Baseball fans at the Los Angeles Dodgers-Kansas City Royals game in Dodger Stadium on July 8 were treated to some righteous moves on the dance cam by "Rally Granny," an older fan who capped her performance by flashing her bra at the 40,000-plus spectators. "You don't see THAT much at a baseball stadium," deadpanned Dodgers first baseman Cody Bellinger (who actually missed the spectacle). [The Associated Press, 7/9/2017]

From Bad to Worse

Two women in Arlington, Texas, called police for help on July 10 as a mentally ill man doused himself with gasoline in preparation to commit suicide. When responding officers began talking with the distraught man, he poured more gasoline on himself and appeared to be holding a lighter in his hand. Hoping to subdue him, one of the officers used his Taser on the man and the gasoline ignited, engulfing him in flames. Officers wrapped him in blankets and removed him from the house. His family reports he was severely burned, and at press time he was in critical condition. [NBC DFW, 7/11/2017]

Now You Have Our Attention

-- On July 6, IRS workers in Ogden, Utah, received a fake bomb from Normand Lariviere, 68, of Olympia, Washington. The U.S. Navy veteran and former civilian defense contractor has been disgruntled with the Department of Defense since his dismissal in the 1990s and has a history of mailing disturbing objects to the IRS to protest paying taxes. In 2016, Lariviere sent one of his fingers, a bullet and a marijuana joint to tax collectors. "Many things I could do," he threatened. "I'm not going to tip my hand." [Seattle PI, 7/10/2017]

-- Drivers speeding down Bedford Street in Lakeville, Massachusetts, may touch the brakes when they spot a parked police cruiser at the side of the road. But the "vehicle," a plywood and aluminum sign painted to look like a Crown Victoria black-and-white, is a ruse perpetrated by resident Kelly Tufts to get drivers to slow down. Tufts parks the "car" in his driveway, especially on weekends, to protect dogs and kids from speeding traffic. "We've had some people give us the one finger," Tufts said. "If it was their neighborhood, they'd enjoy it." [Boston 25 News, 7/11/2017]

Awesome!

A mathematician in Bucharest, Romania, scored a 44,900 euro profit when he made an exciting discovery at a flea market there: a rare World War II Enigma machine, used by the Nazis for encrypting messages. After paying the unwitting seller just 100 euros ($114 U.S.) for it, he took it into his care, cleaning and repairing it and learning how it worked. On July 11, a Bucharest auction house sold the machine for 45,000 euros ($51,500 U.S.) to an unnamed bidder. [CNN, 7/12/2017]

Bright Ideas

Why hire moving professionals for just one appliance? A man in Brisbane, Australia, gamely tried transporting his full-size refrigerator on a Queensland Rail car in April. He first rolled the fridge, strapped to a handcart, onto an elevator to the train platform. Shortly after guiding it into the train carriage, the man and his icebox were removed from the car by transit officers, who wrote him a $252 ticket. Apparently, his item would not fit under a seat, in an overhead rack or in a designated storage area, as Queensland Rail rules specify. [The Courier Mail, 7/11/2017]

Update

Zimbabwe's "sperm bandits" have reportedly struck again. An unnamed 39-year-old male teacher from Macheke was abducted as he waited for a bus on July 2, drugged and gang-raped by a gang of three women. Since 2011, the "semen harvesters" have struck several times, sexually assaulting their victims and collecting semen in condoms to sell later for "good luck." The latest victim told The Standard newspaper that for two days he was held against his will and subjected to further abuse under threat of being shot. Finally, his abductors dumped him by the side of the road. [The Standard, 7/9/2017]

Good fortune quickly turned to horror for a man in Allyn, Washington, who scored some raccoon roadkill to use as crab-trap bait on June 25. As the unidentified man walked toward home dragging the carcass behind him on a 15-foot rope (so he couldn't smell it), two different vehicles stopped, and their occupants, mistakenly thinking he was dragging a dead dog, began berating the would-be fisherman. As the dispute heated up, someone produced a gun, shooting the man twice in the leg before he was struck by one of the vehicles as the assailants fled. [KOMO, 6/29/2017]

Bright Ideas

In New Hampshire on June 29, a state police officer stopped the 57-year-old driver of a Honda Odyssey minivan who had piled a Beverly Hillbillies-esque stack of belongings on top of his car. The collection, which was about as tall as the minivan, included a wooden chest, a bike, a floor lamp, a rake, a snow shovel, a moving dolly and a folding ladder, along with blankets and towels and a shopping cart full of items hanging off the back. Police cited the driver for negligent driving, and the car was towed away. [United Press International, 6/29/2017]

Sorry I Missed It

A Canada Day parade in southern Ontario sparked a flood of typically mild protests over Dave Szusz's float, which featured a 3-meter-tall blow-up Jesus (holding a baby sheep) and several real sheep. "I thought it was kind of sad to see sheep out with very loud blasting music, out in the heat in the city," said animal rights activist Dan MacDonald. Others flooded Szusz with complaints on Facebook. Szusz and MacDonald have since talked it out, although MacDonald still hopes Szusz will discontinue using sheep on his floats. [CTV News, 7/6/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Six suspects in a June 25 Denver mugging counted among their spoils the victim's brand-new iPhone. After using Ryan Coupens' credit cards at a nearby Walgreens, the thieves used the phone to post a Snapchat story about their shenanigans to Coupens' account, where his friends -- and police -- could clearly see some of their faces. [FOX31, 6/26/2017]

-- A repeat offender came to the end of his career when he and an accomplice tried to burglarize a home in East Macon, Georgia, on June 19. As James Robert Young, 41, a 35-time resident in the Bibb County jail, and another man zeroed in on her television, the homeowner woke up and heard them. "When she yelled, the men ran out," said Sheriff David Davis, and that was when the other suspect turned around and fired his weapon, striking Young in the head, killing him. The accomplice is still at large. [WMAZ, 6/20/2017]

Family Values

Flower girls at weddings often steal the show, and Georgiana Arlt of Chaska, Minnesota, was no exception as she walked down the aisle on July 1. The 92-year-old grandmother of the bride, Abby Arlt, told her granddaughter the only other wedding she had been in was her own, when she was 20 years old. Abby had hoped to have her grandfather as the ring bearer, but he passed away last year. [KARE11, 7/3/2017]

Oops!

-- What seemed like the best hide-and-seek idea ever took a frightening turn on July 6 in Colonial Heights, Virginia, when a 12-year-old girl became stuck in a sleeper sofa. Another child called 911 when she couldn't free her friend. "I've never seen anything like it," said fire chief A.G. Moore. "When she got out, she was fine." [FOX6, 7/6/2017]

-- In Green Bay, Wisconsin, a driver crossing the Walnut Street Bridge on June 22 disregarded the traffic arm and drove around it onto the drawbridge as it was opening. His van ascended the opening span, but then rolled back down into the gap between the stationary bridge and the moveable span. Green Bay Metro firefighters, concerned that the van might slip through the gap, cut a hole in its roof to rescue the driver. [The Associated Press, 6/23/2017]

Suspicions Confirmed

Karen Leclair, 51, of Albion, Pennsylvania, was reported missing on June 11 by her commercial fisherman husband, Christopher, 48, after she went over the side of his boat on Lake Erie. Christopher told police he hadn't been watching when his wife fell overboard. When her body washed ashore on July 4 in upstate New York, however, she had a gunshot wound in her head, and she was bound by nylon fishing rope and weighted with an anchor. Christopher was charged with her murder after the gun used to shoot Karen was found under a bed in their home. [New York Post, 7/6/2017]

Oh, THOSE Monkeys

A monkey mystery unfolded near Mesa, Arizona, in early July as drone owner Jesse Sorensan dispatched his device over a facility rumored to house abandoned monkeys. "Hovered above it and took some pictures ... and sure enough there's monkeys in almost all the cages," said Sorensan. "What are these monkeys doing ... in the middle of the desert?" Local TV reporters looked into the mystery and found the facility is used for research and breeding for the University of Washington and the Centers for Disease Control, who were quick to point out that the monkeys have access to air conditioning and veterinary care. [3TV/CBS5, 7/5/2017]

Who You Gonna Call?

Villagers in the eastern Thailand province of Amnat Charoen have called in the Royal Thai Police Force to help rid them of an evil female spirit, "phi pob," they accuse of killing four cows and sickening four border police officers, reported the BBC in June. In Thai folklore, phi pob can possess people and sow chaos, including a 2016 incident in which neighbors were forced to strip naked at gunpoint by three reportedly possessed individuals. Adul Chaitprasithkul, the local police chief, noted, "More people believe in phi pob than those who don't." [BBC, 6/28/2017]

Pre-existing Conditions

Police in Dearborn, Michigan, are hoping a thief's unusual loot may draw him back to the scene of the crime. Surveillance video at a Walgreens store captured a bald man making off with seven boxes of Rogaine, a hair-growth product, on June 22. "While this is not the most hair-raising crime ... it is suspected he will continue committing this type of crime, as 12 to 14 months of consistent use is needed to see results," Police Chief Ronald Haddad said in a news release. [Detroit Free Press, 6/29/2017]

Police Report

What does ol' St. Nick do in the off-season? Perhaps look for a bail bondsman. In a dramatic chase, Maine State Police pursued a stolen car from Fairfield to Bangor on July 4, finally striking the vehicle and bringing it to a stop. When the driver was taken into custody, he identified himself as Santa Claus. But rest easy, boys and girls: Turns out he was Christos Kassaras, 54, from New Hampshire. [WMTW, 7/5/2017]

Precocious

Residents of Baraboo, Wisconsin, must have done a double-take when they looked outside during the early hours of June 30. Kelly, a full-grown elephant, had escaped from the Circus World Museum nearby and wandered the neighborhood, munching on marigolds. Apparently, her partner, Isla (also an elephant), had used her trunk to free Kelly from a restraint. A trainer from Circus World was summoned, and Kelly was returned to her home at the museum. [The Associated Press, 6/30/2017]

Smooth Reaction

Anger over spilled sugar led a Blue Springs, Missouri, grandfather to a chilly end when his grandson, Tyreik Baldwin, 21, allegedly killed Harvey C. Baldwin, 77, and stuffed him into a chest freezer. A family member who had become worried about the elder Baldwin visited the home on June 30, then called police after Tyreik hit him in the head with a hammer and drove off in the family member's truck. Police caught up with Tyreik as he tried to escape and took him into custody. [Kansas City Star, 7/5/2017]

If you visit Dawson City in Canada's Yukon Territory, you can't skip one of its famous traditions: sipping on a Sourtoe Cocktail at the Sourdough Saloon. The drink, conceived in 1973, comprises the cocktail of your choice garnished with a pickled amputated human toe. ("You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but your lips have gotta touch the toe," says "toe master" Terry Lee.)

On June 18, one of the saloon's toes went missing when a patron, who identified himself as "a drunken fool," took the digit (specifically, a second toe). Although the thief mailed the toe back with an apology, Travel Yukon has launched a campaign for an "insurance toe," saying, "Our toe was returned, but we can always use backups!" [Alaska Dispatch News, 6/20/2017; Reuters, 6/26/2017)

The Continuing Crisis

Demit Strato of New York took to Facebook on June 26 from his throne room to excoriate his local Starbucks for making his venti iced coffee with regular milk instead of soy milk, as he ordered it. "I've pooped 11 times since the A.M. My bottom hurts from all the wiping. Do you think I enjoy soy milk? ... I don't order soy milk because I'm bored and want my drink order to sound fancy. I order soy milk so that my bottom doesn't blast fire for 4 hours." For its part, Starbucks sent Strato a $50 gift card, and he told Buzzfeed that "many women are trying to go out on a date after this, too." [United Press International, 6/28/2017]

People Different From Us

A China Southern Airlines flight between Shanghai and Guangzhou was delayed for five hours on June 27 after an 80-year-old passenger, identified only as Qiu, was spotted tossing coins into the engine as she boarded "to pray for a safe flight." Passengers already onboard were asked to deplane while crews searched inside the engine and around the area, ultimately finding nine coins totaling the equivalent of about 25 cents. Local news outlets estimated the cost of the delay and the search at $140,000. [Washington Post, 6/28/2017]

Compulsions

-- Could it have been overconsumption of caffeine that provoked Londoner Kit Lovelace to scan all 236 episodes of "Friends" to chronicle how much coffee each character drank? Lovelace told the Huffington Post in June he was disappointed that no one had ever collected data about the characters' coffee habits, so he meticulously studied how much they drank, how their consumption changed over the years and how much they spent on coffee. (Spoiler alert: Phoebe drank the most coffee, and collectively the group spent more than $2,000 on joe over the course of the 10-season series.) [HuffPost, 6/28/2017]

-- A California man's 2,000th visit to Disneyland in Anaheim on June 22 made him a celebrity in the park. Jeff Reitz began visiting Disneyland every day after receiving an annual pass as a gift in 2012. At the time, he was unemployed, but he continued his habit even after finding a job, using the $1,049 Disney Signature Plus Passport. "Until today, cast members would think I looked familiar, but now they know who I am," Reitz said. "It's been positive, it's been a motivator, it's been my workout gym. This past year I've lost about 40 pounds." [United Press International, 6/23/2017]

-- A serial underwear thief in Tokyo was finally snagged July 4 when he was caught on surveillance video stealing nine women's undergarments that had been hung out to dry. Yasushi Kobayashi, 61, told police that he'd been lifting lingerie for 20 years because he enjoys wearing them. Police found more than 1,000 pieces during a serach of his home. [Japan Today, 7/5/2017]

Great Art!

Police in St. Petersburg, Florida, were hunting in late June for the artist tagging buildings with ... butt cheeks. At least 20 downtown fanny paintings, sporting from two to seven buttocks, have been reported. "It's not very creative," sniffed one office worker. "The bottom line is, whoever is doing this is destroying property," Assistant Police Chief Jim Previterra said. Property owners are wiping the butts away as fast as they appear, but police say the vandal, when caught, will have to pay for cleanup. [Fox13 News, 6/26/2017]

Police Report

-- A SWAT team from the Sumter County (Florida) Sheriff's department raided The Villages retirement community on June 21, uncovering what they believe is a golf cart chop-shop operation, along with illegal drugs, in the sprawling complex near Ocala. Souped-up golf carts are a popular way to get around in the community, which is home to more than 150,000 people. Windshields, seat cushions, wheels and tires were found in the garage, along with drugs "in plain sight" in the home, Deputy Gary Brannen said. Five people, ranging in age from 38 to 63, were arrested. [CBS News, 6/26/2017]

-- A determined pregnant woman in Asheville, North Carolina, was charged June 28 with misdemeanor assault with a deadly weapon after she ran over the man who had been caught rifling through her SUV. Christine Braswell, 26, confronted Robert Raines, 34, in a Walmart parking lot, but when he ran, she couldn't run after him. "Me being five months pregnant, I chased a little ways, then come back, jumped in the car, threw it in gear and come across the curb and ran him over. I was not going to let him get away with it," Braswell said. Raines sustained minor injuries. [WLOS, 6/28/2017]

-- A hopeful driver, pulled over by Dakota County (Minnesota) Deputy Mike Vai in June, produced a "get out of jail free" card from a Monopoly game in an effort to escape charges on a controlled substance warrant. The amused officer shared the incident on his department's Facebook page, but took the unidentified man into custody nonetheless. [KARE, 6/26/2017]

Odd Hobbies

The Wall Street Journal reported in June on a small group of enthusiasts who participate in the esoteric sport of container spotting -- discovering and documenting unusual shipping containers. Spotting a distinctive box "is analogous to the satisfaction that bird-watchers get from spotting a very rare breed of bird," noted Matt Hannes, who maintains the Intermodal Container Web Page. Unusual boxes, known as unicorns, include those with outdated names or logos, or sporting discontinued colors, and those from very small shipping companies. Charles Fox of Indianapolis may be an extreme hobbyist: On his honeymoon, he spent two 12-hour days taking photos of a variety of boxes in Belgium. Mrs. Fox was not amused. [Wall Street Journal, 6/27/2017]

What We'll Do for Love

Brandon Thompson, 35, had just one request before Muskogee, Oklahoma, police officers took him into custody on July 4: "I asked the officer if I could propose." Officers Bob Lynch and Lincoln Anderson agreed and moved Thompson's handcuffs from his back to his front so he could put the ring on Leandria Keith's finger. Thompson had six felony bench warrants out for his arrest, but he told CNN he has been "doing a lot to turn his life around." Keith apparently agrees, as she said "yes." [CNN, 7/8/2017]

Government in Action

-- Rabbit Hash, Kentucky, elected a 2-year-old mayor in November -- a dog named Brynneth Pawltro, who won the race by a landslide 1,000 votes. She's the small town's fourth canine mayor, having beaten her chicken, donkey and cat opponents, along with other dogs. Running on a platform of peace, love and understanding, Brynn is very outgoing, according to Bobbi Kayser of the Rabbit Hash Historical Society: "There's always inappropriate licking going on." [United Press International, 6/28/2017] [WDRB, 6/23/2017] [Cincinnati Enquirer, 11/16/2016]

-- Natwaina Clark, 33, of Gainesville, Florida, was fired and charged March 28 with larceny and scheming to defraud after it was discovered that she had used city credit cards to steal more than $93,000 from the parks, recreation and cultural affairs department between November 2015 and March 2017. Most notably, Clark spent $8,500 of her take on a Brazilian butt lift procedure. [Gainesville Sun, 6/28/2017]