The People's Liberation Army Daily, a Chinese state-run military newspaper, has declared on its WeChat account that fewer Chinese youth are passing fitness tests to join the army because they are too fat and masturbate too much, resulting in abnormally large testicular veins. The web article cited one town's statistics, where 56.9 percent of candidates were rejected for failing to meet physical requirements. China's military quickly beat down the article's assertion, saying: "The quality of our recruits is guaranteed, and the headwaters of our military will flow long and strong." [Shanghaiist, 8/24/2017]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

Police in Osnabruck, Germany, stopped a vehicle on Aug. 19 and found an unusual trove of drugs inside: Plastic bags filled with about 5,000 ecstasy pills, with a street value of about $46,000 -- all in the shape of Donald Trump's head. The orange tablets depicted Trump's signature sweep of hair and his rosebud mouth. An unnamed 51-year-old man and his son, 17, also had a large sum of cash and were taken into custody. [NPR, 8/22/2017]

Cultural Diversity

-- The Japanese funeral industry demonstrated its forward thinking on Aug. 23 when practitioners gathered for the Life Ending Industry Expo in Tokyo. Among the displays was a humanoid robot named Pepper who can conduct a Buddhist funeral, complete with chanting and tapping a drum. Pepper is a collaboration between SoftBank and Nissei Eco Co., which wrote the chanting software. Michio Inamura, Nissei's executive adviser, said the robot could step in when priests are not available. [Reuters, 8/23/2017]

-- Also at the Life Ending Industry Expo in Tokyo, four undertakers competed on stage as funeral music played to see who could best display the ancient skills of ritually dressing the dead. The Shinto religion in Japan believes that the dead are impure just after death and that dressing the body purifies the spirit. The contestants dressed live human volunteers and were observed by three judges. Rino Terai, who won the contest, said, "I practiced every day to prepare for this competition." [Reuters, 8/24/207]

-- In Iran, the education department has banned people who are considered "ugly" from being teachers. The list of conditions and features that prevent one from being a teacher includes facial moles, acne, eczema, scars and crossed eyes. Also on the list of unsavory conditions are cancer, bladder stones or color-blindness, none of which can be observed by others. [Metro News, 8/25/2017]

FAN-antic

Jeffrey Riegel, 56, of Port Republic, New Jersey, left 'em laughing with his obituary's parting shot at the Philadelphia Eagles. In it, Riegel asked that eight Eagles players act as pallbearers, "so the Eagles can let me down one last time." Riegel owned season tickets for 30 years, during which the Eagles never won a Super Bowl. [Associated Press, 8/24/2017]

Inexplicable

An Arkansas Highway Patrol officer spotted "an unusual sight" on Aug. 23 on I-30: a black Hummer with a casket strapped to the top of it. When the officer pulled over Kevin M. Cholousky, 39, of Van Buren, Arkansas, he took off and led police on a chase along I-530, where his vehicle was eventually stopped by road spikes. Although the casket was empty, Cholousky was charged in Pulaski County with fictitious tags, reckless driving and fleeing. [Arkansas Online, 8/24/2017]

Latest Religious Messages

Sonogram photos are notoriously difficult to decipher, but one couple in Franklin County, Pennsylvania, are sure theirs shows a man watching over their unborn daughter. "When they gave it to us … Umm, to me, it's Jesus. And it looks like Jesus," said mom Alicia Zeek. She and father Zac Smith have two older children, both born with birth defects, and the image is putting them at ease about their third child. "Once ... we looked at the picture, I was like -- look, babe, we have nothing to worry about," Smith said. [FOX43, 8/22/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Jocsan Feliciano Rosado, 22, was driving a stolen car on Monday, Aug. 21, when he stopped off at a Harbor Freight store in Kissimmee, Florida, to pick up a welder's helmet for viewing the solar eclipse. As he dawdled next to the vehicle, looking up at the sun with his helmet on, members of the Orange County Sheriff's Office Auto Theft Unit interrupted his reverie and arrested him. [United Press International, 8/22/2017]

-- Adam Darrough, 29, of Little Rock, Arkansas, tried to elude officers who had arrived at his girlfriend's house to arrest him by climbing out a back window. But when that didn't work, he hid in her attic. Meanwhile, Erinique Hill, 20, held police at bay outside her home. Things went south for Darrough when he fell through the attic floor, and Little Rock police officers arrested him for a number of felonies, including hindering arrest. [Arkansas Online, 8/24/2017]

Bright Ideas

Tuffy Tuffington, 45, of San Francisco was walking his dogs, Bob and Chuck, when he came up with a way to respond non-violently to a right-wing rally at Crissy Field on Aug. 26. So he launched a Facebook page asking San Franciscans to bring dog poop to spread in the park in advance of the event. "It seemed like a little bit of civil disobedience where we didn't have to engage with them face to face," Tuffington said. Contributors to the project also planned to show up on Aug. 27 to "clean up the mess and hug each other." [The Guardian, 8/24/2017]

Court Report

Jordan Wills, 22, of Dover, England, provoked the ire of Judge Simon James of the Canterbury Crown Court in Kent when he appeared before the court. Wills called the judge a prick, and when James asked him to refrain from using obscene language, Wills said, "Who are you to tell me what to do?" James replied: "Well, I am the judge ... and I need to make it clear to you and others that such behavior is not going to be tolerated." Wills was found in contempt of court and sentenced to two weeks in jail. [Metro News, 8/24/2017]

Your Cold, Cold Heart

A police officer on maternity leave was ticketed and fined 110 pounds after she pulled her car into a bus stop in west London to help her newborn baby, who was choking in the back seat. Rebecca Moore, 31, of Aylesbury, said her son, Riley, was "going a deep shade of red in the face, his eyes were bulging and watering, and he was trying to cough but was struggling." Moore appealed the fine, but the Harrow Council rejected her appeal, as did the London Tribunals. "The law about stopping in bus stops is exactly the same everywhere in London," a council spokeswoman said. "You can't do it." [Metro News, 8/25/2017]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

One reveler at an Aug. 19 street festival in Worcester, Massachusetts, caused a dust-up when he aggressively confronted a police horse. Donald Pagan, 59, was cutting through a column of mounted police when an officer asked him to stop. Instead, Pagan raised his fist "in an attempt to punch the horse in the face," a police statement said. The horse jumped backward, away from Pagan, which officers noted could have injured Pagan, the horse or the mounted officer. Pagan was charged with assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest and interfering with a police horse. [Reuters, 8/22/2017]

Social Media to the Rescue!

Epping, New Hampshire, resident Leslie Kahn, 61, found herself trapped in her swimming pool on Aug. 11 after the ladder broke. She was not strong enough to pull herself out of the pool, so she used a pool pole to drag a nearby chair, with her iPad on it, closer. On a community Facebook page, Kahn posted her desperate situation under the heading "911," and soon police and neighbors showed up to rescue her. [Associated Press, 8/19/2017]

A California man with European heritage "strong and pure" placed an ad on Craigslist in advance of the solar eclipse on Aug. 21, seeking a "worthy female" to have sex with him in Oregon and "conceive a child that will be on the next level of human evolution." "Everything will be aligned in the local universe. Both of our cosmic orgasmic energy will be aligned with the planets," the ad posited. He had only one specific caveat: "You must like cats." The ad has since been deleted. [Men's Health, 8/11/2017]

Rise of the Machines

When Louise Kennedy, an equine veterinarian from Ireland who has worked in Australia for the past two years on a skilled worker visa, decided to stay in the country, she had to take the Pearson Test of English as part of her requirements for permanent residency. Imagine her surprise when, as a native English speaker with two university degrees, she flunked the oral component of the computer-based test. "There's obviously a flaw in their computer software when a person with perfect oral fluency cannot get enough points," Kennedy said. For its part, Pearson has denied that there is any problem with its test or scoring "engine." Kennedy will pursue a spouse visa so she can remain with her Australian husband. [The Guardian, 8/8/2017]

New World Order

In Saint-Bernard-de-Lacolle, Quebec, near Plattsburgh, New York, the Canadian military is building a refugee camp to house asylum-seekers coming from the United States, where recent migrants fear the current administration's immigration crackdown. Montreal has already turned its Olympic Stadium into a shelter for refugees. The new camp would house 500 people in heated tents while they wait for refugee applications to be processed. More than 3,300 people crossed into Quebec from the U.S. between January and June 2017. [BBC, 8/9/2017]

Bright Idea

United States Border Patrol agent Robert Rocheleau and Alburgh, Vermont, resident Mark Johnson, 53, exchanged tense words on Aug. 3 when Johnson climbed down from his tractor and demanded to know why Rocheleau wasn't doing more to apprehend illegal immigrants. Johnson said people working in the U.S. illegally were damaging his livelihood. (Alburgh is just south of the border with Canada.) After the exchange, Johnson got back in his tractor and, as Rocheleau reported, "While passing by my vehicle Mr. Johnson … engaged the PTO shaft to his trailer and covered my vehicle in cow manure." Mr. Johnson pleaded not guilty in Vermont Superior Court in North Hero, saying he didn't know the car was nearby when he turned on his manure spreader. [ABC News, 8/17/2017]

Picky, Picky

The Ford Motor Co. has hired smell-testers for its research labs in China, where consumers don't like the "new-car" smell that many Americans seek out. Ford calls the testers its "golden noses," who sniff materials such as upholstery, steering wheels and carpet. Testers are subjected to a stringent selection process and must not smoke or drink alcohol. "In North America," said Andy Pan, supervisor for material engineering at a Ford facility in China, "people want a new-car smell and will even buy a 'new-car' spray to make older cars feel new and fresh. In China, it's the opposite." [The Sun, 7/21/2017]

Ow! Ow! Ow!

On June 25, Doug Bergeson of Peshtigo, Wisconsin, was framing the fireplace of a home he was building when his nail gun slipped from his grasp and shot a 3 1/2-inch nail into his heart. Bergeson said it stung, but when he saw the nail "moving with my heart," he realized he wasn't going to get any more work done. So he washed up and drove himself to the hospital 12 miles away, where he alerted a security guard that he had a nail in his heart and said, "It'd be great if you can find somebody to help me out here." Bergeson underwent surgery to remove the nail, which his doctors said barely missed a main artery in his heart. [WBAY, 8/14/2017]

Bold Move

Edward Kendrick McCarty, 38, of North Huntingdon, Pennsylvania, came away with more than good tips after deejaying a wedding reception. The morning after the wedding, bride Ashley Karasek of Turkeytown noticed that her box of wedding cards was mostly empty. McCarty had been in charge of the box during the reception, and Karasek noticed people handing him cards to put in it throughout the evening. But when she and her new husband looked in the box, only 12 cards remained. McCarty confessed to taking the cards "because of financial struggles" and said he got about $600. [TribLive.com, 8/15/2017]

Ewwww!

Swiss grocery chain Coop announced on Aug. 17 that it will start selling burger patties made from mealworms as an alternative to beef. Essento's Insect Burgers and meatball-like Insect Balls also contain rice, carrots and spices. "Insects are the perfect complement to a modern diet," said Christian Bartsch, co-founder of Essento. "They have a high culinary potential, their production saves resources and their nutritional profile is high-quality." [United Press International, 8/17/2017]

Ironies

-- In Florida, Pinellas Suncoast Transit Authority CEO Brad Miller and board chair Darden Rice helped Barbara Rygiel celebrate her 103rd birthday on Aug. 15 by presenting her with a lifetime bus pass. Rygiel rides the bus to church about four times a week and said the pass will help with the costs. "Look at how much I can save," she said. [United Press International, 8/16/2017]

-- Stephen DeWitt, 57, of Aptos, California, was "quite intoxicated," according to an arresting officer, on Aug. 16 when he mowed down a Highway 1 road sign reading: "REPORT DRUNK DRIVERS. CALL 911." His Jeep continued up an embankment and flipped, leaving DeWitt with serious injuries – and a DUI charge. [KSBW, 8/16/2017]

Weird Science

The Maharashtra Pollution Control Board is investigating in Navi Mumbai, India, after stray dogs started turning blue. An animal protection group there contends that dyes being dumped into the Kasadi River by nearby factories are causing the dogs' fur to turn a bright shade of blue. [United Press International, 8/15/2017]

Model Parents

A school resource officer at Lexington Middle School in Lee County, Florida, caught a glimpse of something alarming on Aug. 15 as he looked out a second-floor window toward the parent pickup lane. Christina Hester, 39, of Fort Myers was using her iPhone – to cut and snort cocaine. After seeing Hester use a straw to inhale the substance, the SRO asked her to come inside the school. He retrieved her purse and found .5 gram of cocaine inside, and she was charged with possession of cocaine and drug paraphernalia. Twelve-year-old Spencer Yeager commented: "That's crazy. That's just so irresponsible and they shouldn't be doing that." [FOX4, 8/17/2017]

Drive-Thru Rage

Michael Delhomme couldn't abide a Delray Beach, Florida, McDonald's having run out of ice cream on Aug. 15. So while he and his friend, Jerry Henry, 19, waited in the drive-thru line, Delhomme asked Henry to get the "stick" out of the trunk. A McDonald's employee watched on surveillance video as Henry went to the trunk and removed a replica AR-15 airsoft rifle, then got back in the car. The workers couldn't tell that the weapon was not authentic and called 911, and Henry was charged with improper exhibition of a firearm. [WPLG, 8/16/2017]

Oh, Canada

In the wake of violent protests in Charlottesville, Virginia, a plaque commemorating Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States from 1861 to 1865, was removed on Aug. 15 from the wall of a Hudson's Bay department store – in downtown Montreal, Quebec, Canada. Apparently, Davis had lived in a house that formerly stood on that property in 1867, and the Daughters of the Confederacy placed the plaque there in 1967. Davis moved to Canada after getting out of prison following the Civil War. [Canoe, 8/16/2017]

In early August, Volusia (Florida) County Beach Safety officers banished 73-year-old Richard G. Basaraba of Daytona Beach from all county beaches after it was discovered he was handing out business cards to young women, reading "Sugardaddy seeking his sugarbaby." The mother of a 16-year-old said he approached a group of girls with his cards and continued to speak with the minor girl even after she told him her age. He also produced a bra padding, telling the girls he was "looking for someone who would fill it." He told the 16-year-old she "would be perfect." [Palm Beach Post, 8/3/2017]

People Different From Us

In a shocking display of mischief, an unnamed 60-year-old man in Singapore is under investigation for lodging three toothpicks in a seat on a public bus in July. If he is found to be the culprit, he could spend up to two years in prison. Singapore has an extremely low crime rate, and even minor offenses result in harsh punishments. For example, vandalism is punishable by caning. Police said at press time that the investigation was continuing. [Reuters, 8/8/2017]

Wait, What?

Practicing physicians in Cairo, Egypt, opened a surgery-themed restaurant called D.Kebda in July, where they wear surgical scrubs and prepare their only offering, grilled beef-liver sandwiches, behind a glass partition. Kebda is a popular street food in Egypt, but it can cause food poisoning if not prepared carefully. "We tried to take our career values and apply them to this other field," said Mostafa Basiouny, one of the owners. "There is no contradiction between them; we are still practicing doctors." [Reuters, 8/3/2017]

Great Expectations

On Aug. 7, 16-year-old Jack Bergeson of Wichita, Kansas, filed papers in Topeka to run for governor as a Democrat in the 2018 race. Bergeson, who won't be able to vote in that election, said: "I thought, you know, let's give the people of Kansas a chance. Let's try something new." The candidate says he would "radically change" health care and would support legalizing medical marijuana, but he's conservative on gun rights. Bryan Caskey, director of elections at the Kansas secretary of state's office, said there is no law governing the qualifications for governor. Bergeson's running mate, 17-year-old Alexander Cline, will be 18 by the election and will get to vote. [ABC News, 8/13/2017]

Animal Antics

-- A skunk got up close and personal with a 13-year-old boy on July 25 when it climbed into his bed in Hamden, Connecticut, apparently after hitchhiking into the house in a trash can. The family was able to remove the skunk without the help of the Hamden Animal Control Division, but an officer said the "smell of skunk ... emanated throughout the house." [FOX News, 8/6/2017]

-- The Scardillo Cheese factory in Burnaby, British Columbia, Canada, has a squirrel to blame for a fire that resulted in more than 20,000 gallons of milk being spoiled on Aug. 8. The squirrel chewed through a main power line on the outside of the building, which sparked the fire, and power could not be restored for 12 hours. Already-made cheese was kept cool with generators, but milk being readied to make cheese warmed and went bad. [Vancouver Sun, 8/10/2017]

Least Competent Criminals

-- Criminal justice student Jordan Dinsmore, 20, of Columbia, South Carolina, had her car's manual transmission to thank for her safe escape on July 26. Three men approached her around 1 a.m. and pointed a gun at her. After robbing her of her phone and purse, the men forced her into her car, threatening to kidnap and rape her, but when they realized none of them knew how to drive her stick-shift car, one of the criminals ran away. The other two forced Dinsmore to drive to an ATM to withdraw cash. As she drove, Dinsmore removed her seatbelt, then put the car in neutral and jumped out, screaming, "Call 911! Call 911!" to passing motorists. The Richland County Sheriff's Department arrested a 15-year-old and a 17-year-old in the kidnapping and robbery. [ABC News 4, 7/28/2017]

-- Surveillance video from a July 27 break-in at the home of John C. Burbage, 59, of Naples, Florida, showed a surprisingly familiar picture of the perpetrators: Harold Russell Lanham, 22, and his dad, James Edward Lanham, 41, both of whom Burbage employed and both of whom were wearing their work uniforms. The Lanham duo stole a safe containing more than $30,000 worth of cash and property from their boss's home. [WINK News, 7/29/2017]

The Weirdo-American Community

Residents of Hollis, Maine, were unnerved on the evening of July 25 as Corey Berry, 31, wearing a clown mask, walked around town with a machete duct-taped to the place where his arm had been amputated. When Berry, intoxicated, was taken into custody in nearby Waterboro, he explained to officers that he was copying other clown sightings as a prank on a friend. Karmen LePage of Hollis warned: "He's not funny. We live in the woods; you think we don't have guns? He's ... lucky." [Portland Press Herald, 7/26/2017]

Paranormal Activity

The South Carolina Emergency Management Division issued an alert on Aug. 9 in advance of the total solar eclipse on Aug. 21 asking South Carolinians to be "vigilant" and look out for Lizardmen during the celestial event. "SCEMD does not know if Lizardmen become more active during a solar eclipse," the note reads. "But we advise that residents of Lee and Sumter counties should remain vigilant." The folkloric reptilian beast is thought to live in swampland around Lee County and frequent sewers in nearby towns. While some people thought the warning might be a joke, SCEMD said it "will neither confirm nor deny" the existence of Lizardmen. [United Press International, 8/14/2017]

Anger Management

Customers at a Flying J truck stop in West Hanover Township, Virginia, got quite the show on Aug. 14 when Craig Troccia, 54, of Roanoke smashed the windshield of his truck and poured a cup of urine onto the interior. Wait -- did we mention Troccia was naked? He then yelled a racial epithet at a black man and flashed his genitals at everyone within sight. Next, (still naked) Troccia pointed a gun at the same man and then at another man and threatened to kill them both. After state troopers loaded Troccia into their cruiser, he "slammed his body and head on the various panels of the vehicle," they reported. He was charged with 34 criminal counts, including public drunkenness. [Penn Live, 8/15/2017]

Compelling Explanations

Jeremy A. Perkins, 27, was led astray by someone who told him "the purge" was happening on Aug. 12 in Kansas City, Missouri. ("The Purge" was a 2013 horror film that envisioned a temporary decriminalization of all criminal acts, after which society collapses in chaos.) In response (and high on methamphetamines), Perkins climbed to the top of a building and began throwing rocks at passing vehicles. Perkins told responding officers that he perceived everyone as his enemy and was trying to protect himself. He added that if he had had a gun, he would have shot people. [FOX4KC, 8/14/2017]

The Continuing Crisis

There are 70 registered voters in McIntire, Iowa, but not one of them showed up to vote in a two-question special election on Aug. 1. Mitchell County deputy auditor Barbara Baldwin told reporters that even poll workers didn't vote because none of them live in McIntire, which is about 130 miles northeast of Des Moines. [NBC News, 8/4/2017]