Say you have a new baby. Say you're overwhelmed with love and sleep deprivation, and say you've been auditioning names for months, to no avail. Future Perfect, a web startup, will happily accept your $350 fee to "email you a customized list of names" to choose from, plus 15 minutes of phone time with one of its consultants. "Working your way through thousands of alphabetized names can be a useful exercise for some," the website explains, "but the lists we provide are personalized, hyper-curated and unique to each client's specific criteria." They'll even help you name your pets! WABC reports that Future Perfect offers less-expensive packages as well, such as a $100 "namestorming session." [WABC, 6/11/2019]

Oops!

As members of New Life Baptist Church in Advance, North Carolina, prepared to merge with a nearby congregation, they removed the handmade steeple from their building, intending to return it to church member Mike Brewer, who made it. But a passerby who saw the steeple at the curb on June 5 thought it was intended for garbage pickup and took it home, sparking a different kind of steeplechase, according to the Winston-Salem Journal. Church pastor Matthew Pope called it a clear misunderstanding: "The person assumed we were throwing it out. She ... didn't want it to go to the dump." The unwitting steeple thief saw a post about the missing structure on Facebook from Pope's wife and returned the steeple five days after its disappearance. [Winston-Salem Journal, 6/15/2019]

Awesome!

-- In Saint Petersburg, Russia, motor enthusiast Konstantin Zarutskiy unveiled his newest creation in early May: a Bentley Continental GT sedan refitted with heavy-duty rubber tank treads instead of regular tires. He calls the resulting vehicle "Ultratank" and is hoping to get permission from the local government to drive the car on city streets. Zarutskiy tells EuroNews his Ultratank is very easy to drive, although creating it took him seven months as he faced a number of technical challenges. We'd like to see him parallel park it. [United Press International, 6/13/2019]

-- Hundreds of divers set a Guinness World Record on June 15 at Deerfield Beach, Florida, where they met to perform an underwater cleanup. Fox35 reported that 633 divers collected 9,000 pieces of debris on the ocean floor during the event, which was organized by Dixie Divers. The previous record, 615 divers, was set in the Red Sea of Egypt in 2015. [Fox35, 6/16/2019]

Bold

Francesco Galdelli, 58, and Vanya Goffi, 45 -- otherwise known as the Italian Bonnie and Clyde -- were arrested on June 15 at a luxury villa in Pattaya, Thailand, after years of avoiding Italian authorities for various scams and frauds. The Telegraph reported that Galdelli had confessed to posing as George Clooney and opening an online clothing business "to trick people into sending money." The two would also sell fake Rolex watches online, sometimes sending packets of salt to their customers instead of wristwatches. Clooney testified against the couple in 2010, but they fled Italy before being arrested there. Galdelli was arrested in Thailand in 2014, but soon escaped after bribing prison guards. The pair will be returned to Italy for trial. [The Telegraph, 6/16/2019]

Last Wishes

Laurence Pilgeram, who died in 2015 in California, paid Alcor Life Extension Foundation $120,000 to preserve his body indefinitely at minus 196 degrees Celsius in the hope of being brought back to life in the future. But a month after his death, his son, Kurt Pilgeram of Dutton, Montana, received a box containing his father's ashes. The company sent all but the elder Pilgeram's head, which is stored in liquid nitrogen at its facility in Arizona. "They chopped his head off, burned his body, put it in a box and sent it to my house," Kurt told the Great Falls Tribune. He is suing Alcor for $1 million in damages and an apology -- plus the return of his father's head. "I want people to know what's going on," he said. For its part, Alcor says its contract was with Laurence Pilgeram and that it met that agreement. The company contends Kurt is trying to get the life insurance money that paid for Alcor's services. The trial is expected to begin in 2020 in California. [Great Falls Tribune, 6/7/2019]

Chutzpah

German Instagram "influencers" Catalin Onc and Elena Engelhardt have faced a digital dressing-down after they set up a GoFundMe page requesting donations for a bike trip to Africa. They want to raise about 10,000 euros for the jaunt, but some people aren't on board. Onc and Engelhardt live with Onc's mother, who supports them by working at two jobs, the Independent reported. They posted on their Instagram page: "Some will just tell us to get jobs, like everyone else and stop begging. But when you have the impact we do on others' life (sic), getting a job is not an option. A normal job at this point would be detrimental." Commenters let loose on the couple: "Get a job and treat your mum, she shouldn't be funding her grown son to wander the world like a lost boy." And, "You're not impacting anyone's life, you are just a couple of freeloaders trying to get holidays paid for by mugs." [The Independent, 6/17/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- A Domino's pizza delivery driver in London was the unwitting victim of a prank on June 6 when he tried to deliver four large cheeseburger pizzas to Buckingham Palace, for "Elizabeth." At the security gate, he was stopped by two armed police officers, who checked to make sure the queen had not, indeed, ordered the pies. "The next thing the copper said was, 'Sorry, sir, Elizabeth is the name of the queen -- and she lives at Buckingham Palace. I think someone is winding you up," a source told The Sun. The original phone order had promised cash payment at delivery. Store manager Zsuzsanna Queiser said the "pizzas seemed to go down pretty well with the police officers on duty. Next time, Your Majesty." [The Sun, 6/10/2019]

-- In the Colombian city of Buenaventura, violence and corruption are on the rise, and after the shocking June 1 murder of a 10-year-old girl, the local bishop devised a plan to purge the city of evil. Monsignor Ruben Dario Jaramillo Montoya will perform a mass exorcism, and to help him, he has enlisted the National Navy, which will fly a helicopter over the city to distribute holy water on its inhabitants. The ritual is scheduled in mid-July during annual patron saints festivities. "We want to ... see if we can exorcise, drive out these demons that are destroying the port," the bishop told Caracol Radio. [Caracol Radio, 6/10/2019]

Compelling Explanation

You think you hate your job? Last year, in April, Eli Aldinger, now 23, told police officers in Bothell, Washington, he intentionally drove his Toyota Camry into two different groups of pedestrians in order to "get out of going to work." Aldinger, who worked in food service at McMenamins Anderson School, first hit a woman who was crossing the street with her husband, admitting to police that he sped up to 35 or 40 mph so he could "hit her before she made it across the road," reported the Bothell-Kenmore Reporter. A bit farther on, he swerved to hit another pedestrian -- but declined to strike a third, believing that would have been "a bit excessive." He stopped when he spotted a police car and told the officers he was looking forward to "spending a few years in a room." On May 31, he got his wish: Aldinger will spend 14 years in prison for assault. [Bothell-Kenmore Reporter, 6/14/2019]

Let the Buyer Beware

Kerville Holness of Tamarac, Florida, thought he'd scored big when his $9,100 bid for a $177,000 villa in South Florida was accepted. The home was part of an online auction in March of properties that had been foreclosed on. Only later did he find out he paid thousands of dollars for a 1-foot-wide, 10-foot-long stretch of grass between two driveways. Now the first-time bidder wants Broward County to void the deal and return his money. "It's deception," Holness told the South Florida Sun Sentinel. "There was no demarcation to show you that it's just a line going through (the villa duplex), even though they have the tools to show that." Officials aren't sure why the strip of land was put up for auction separately from the properties on either side of it, but they say they can't refund Holness' money. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 6/15/2019]

The Philly Voice reported on June 5 that a resident of White Haven, Pennsylvania, has solved the mystery of why that state has experienced more tornadoes than usual this year. The unnamed amateur meteorologist called WNEP's "Talkback 16," which allows locals to opine on the issues of the day, and left a voicemail on May 31. In his own words: "We didn't have tornadoes here until we started putting in traffic circles. ... When people go round and round in circles, it causes disturbances in the atmosphere, and causes tornadoes." So there you have it. [Philly Voice, 6/5/2019]

New Weapons

A 47-year-old resident of southern Israel approached a teller at a Postal Bank branch in mid-May, handing her a note that read, "Hand over the money in the drawer" (misspelling the Hebrew word for "drawer"), The Times of Israel reported. As the teller hesitated, he said, "Put the money in the bag quickly or I'll throw this grenade," referring to a black object in his right hand. The teller gave him $4,450 in cash, and he left. Five days later, he repeated his method at another branch, where he netted $3,300. Police tracked him through mobile phone records and other clues, eventually discovering the "grenade" he wielded was an avocado he had painted black. No word on whether he whipped up some guacamole while in custody. [Times of Israel, 6/6/2019]

When Ya Gotta Go ...

A 16-year-old driver was pulled over by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police in Manitoba, Canada, on June 6 after being clocked driving 105 mph, according to Fox News. The teenager was driving a Chevrolet Camaro, but it wasn't the muscle car that made him go so fast, he said. He told police he had just eaten hot chicken wings and really needed to use the bathroom. Officers were unmoved, however, tweeting, "Absolutely #noexcuses for that kind of speed." The teen was fined and is likely to have his license suspended. [Fox News, 6/9/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- On June 5, firefighters arrived at an apartment complex in Inglewood, a suburb of Los Angeles, to find a 14-year-old girl trapped feet-first in a chimney. By removing some bricks, they were able to free her after about 20 minutes, and she was taken to a hospital to be evaluated. "A lot of people think it's plausible to go ahead and get into your house or break into a house (through a chimney)," Brian Stevens, an inspector for the fire department, told the Los Angeles Times. "I can tell you that doesn't seem to work out for most people. It's very narrow." Good to know. [Los Angeles Times, 6/5/2019]

-- In Scotland, Zoe Archibald, 34, thought it would be fun to take a ride in a child's Little Tikes red and yellow car on June 7. When she couldn't get in the plastic car in the conventional way, she put it over her head, Fox News reported -- and then got stuck. "There was no way she could get herself out," her nephew, Matthew Shepherd-Bull, said. After being trapped for about an hour, her father finally cut her out of the toddler conveyance with a butter knife. "Everyone found it funny, even Zoe," Shepherd-Bull said. "She was a bit panicked but mainly found it funny." [Fox News, 6/12/2019]

Enterprising Thievery

In the Arctic region of Murmansk in Russia, an abandoned railway bridge was the quarry of ambitious metal thieves who removed the 75-foot-long center span, leaving only the support structures near either shore. Locals noticed the section was missing in May, reported the BBC. And while the span would have weighed about 62 tons, it was estimated to be worth only about $9,000. Russian law enforcement is looking into the theft, but locals are nonplussed: One mused that the remaining structures would be "eyesores" for a long time to come, then shrugged: "Ah, who cares -- this isn't Germany, and restoring order to the vandalized landscape is not high on the agenda." [BBC, 6/4/2019]

Ewwwww!

If you're a fan of bubble tea, you may want to add it to your "all things in moderation" list. On May 28, a 14-year-old girl in Zhejiang province in China went to the hospital after suffering from constipation and being unable to eat for five days. Through a CT scan, doctors found unusual spherical shadows in her abdomen, reported Asia One, which they suspected were undigested tapioca pearls from bubble tea. The girl reluctantly admitted to drinking only one cup of bubble tea five days before, but doctors said her condition indicated she had consumed much more and prescribed laxatives. One doctor warned that the bubbles, or "boba," are made of starch and are difficult to digest. [Asia One, 6/6/2019]

Yikes!

In Caddo Parish, Louisiana, sheriff's deputies responded to a call on June 10 about an alligator in the middle of Highway 1. As they waited for wildlife removal experts to arrive, the gator, which was about 8 feet long, bit off a section of bumper on one of the patrol cars, WBRZ reported, and moved into the grass with a rectangular piece of the car's front grill. It dropped its prize and escaped before the animal handlers got there. [WBRZ, 6/12/2019]

Wait, What?

At a Patriot Prayer rally in Portland, Oregon, last August, two protesters took a smoother, shinier approach to their opposition. Robert "Jonah" Majure, 28, and Tristan Romine-Mann, 29, were approached by officers at the rally because they were carrying four 5-gallon buckets and super-soaker water guns, The Oregonian reported. When told to empty the buckets, Majure and Romine-Mann did so, splashing the officers with horse lubricant (used in obstetric and rectal procedures on large animals) mixed with glitter. Majure and Romine-Mann were sentenced to serve five days in jail on June 7 for harassment. [Oregonian, 6/10/2019]

Wide World of Sports

Men looking for diversion in Krasnoyarsk, Russia, entered the Male Slapping Championships, part of the Siberian Power Show, in March, wherein contestants slap each other so hard that some of them sustain concussions. According to RT News, female Siberians now have their own contest: the Booty-Slapping Championships. For this event, which took place in mid-June, the women, all fitness enthusiasts, take turns whacking each other on the heinie until one is knocked off balance. Fitness blogger Anastasia Zolotaya, one of the contest's winners, features demonstrations of the serious workouts she uses to toughen her buns on her Instagram page, @sportnastya. [RT News, 6/11/2019]

Awesome!

A lock of Ludwig von Beethoven's hair sold at auction on June 11 for an unexpected 35,000 British pounds (about $45,000), "Inside Edition" reported. Sotheby's said the framed hair was given by Beethoven to a friend, pianist Anton Halm, as a gift for Halm's wife almost 200 years ago. Reportedly, when Halm asked for the gift, a servant snipped some hair from a goat and presented it to Halm. Beethoven was incensed, saying, "You've been tricked. This is not my hair. It's the hair of a goat." He then cut a lock of hair from the back of his own head, wrapped it in paper and turned it over to Halm. A Sotheby's expert confirmed that the auctioned hair was human. [Inside Edition, 6/12/2019]

The Pokemon Co. has made Japanese brides' dreams come true with its announcement that it is collaborating with a wedding planner to offer sanctioned ceremonies with its characters in attendance, dressed as a bride and groom. Yes, Pikachu will stand up with you and your betrothed (as long as you go to Japan to tie the knot), and the icing on the cake is Pokemon-themed food items and a Pikachu cake topper. Finally, United Press International reports, for your scrapbook, you'll have a marriage certificate decorated with Pokemon imagery -- surely an item you'll want to preserve in a licensed Pokemon photo frame. [UPI, 5/30/2019]

Stay With Me Here

Around 1:40 a.m. on May 9, as an unnamed Cocoa, Florida, homeowner slept in her garage, a black Cadillac crashed into the structure, missing her by only inches, according to the 911 call. The Cadillac was stolen, it turns out, and was fleeing an Orange County Sheriff's Office patrol vehicle -- which was also stolen and being driven by someone impersonating a police officer. After the crash, WFTV reported, the imposter patrolman continued trying to pull over vehicles before speeding away. The patrol SUV was later abandoned behind a shopping plaza in Cocoa. [WFTV, 5/9/2019]

Least Competent Criminal

Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, responded to a call on May 21 about a domestic assault. They didn't find the suspect, identified as Markel Towner, 26, in the residence, but someone who matched his description was sitting outside in a car. When questioned, the man said his name was Deangelo Towns, but a fashion faux pas led officers to suspect he was lying -- a lanyard around the man's neck clearly bore the name "Markel Towner." After some resistance, KETV reported, Towner was finally subdued and arrested on a variety of charges. [KETV, 5/22/2019]

Oops

An unidentified man in Tuscumbia, Alabama, did what so many of us do every day: He went online to Amazon to order some household items. But when his package arrived on May 23, he was alarmed to discover a urine sample from a private citizen, not the shower curtain and rings he'd ordered. "When I reached in and pulled it out (it was) some kind of urine specimen or something like that," he told WHNT. An Amazon representative said the company was "very sorry" about the mistake and would send his bathroom accessories right away, but declined to have him return the sample. [WHNT, 5/23/2019]

Bright Ideas

-- May 17 wasn't the first time Dan Smith of Seattle found a Car2Go vehicle left in the driveway of his rental property, so he erected a fence around it and posted NO TRESPASSING signs and other warnings. He then informed Car2Go's parent company, Share Now, that he wanted $65 per day for storage, $300 for the fence and $500 for harassment. Share Now responded to inquiries from KIRO saying seven different customers tried to rent the car a day after it was left in Smith's driveway but couldn't because of the barricade. Asad Rasheed, who lives in Smith's building, said the errantly parked vehicles are a common problem: "People are not made aware of where to park, where not to park and how to use them," Rasheed said. Share Now has agreed to work with Smith but told the TV station they wouldn't be paying him. [KIRO, 5/30/2019]

-- Damon Hudson, 25, of St. Ives, England, first noticed his missing milk delivery on May 17. "My milk delivery means the world to me. My little brother and sister can't function without their cereal in the morning," Hudson told Metro News. He could see the thief on his doorbell video footage, but he didn't want to bother the police with such a trivial case, so after two weeks of going milk-less, he set up his own sting. Hudson introduced a couple of new ingredients in the milk bottle: fish oil and his own urine. "Hopefully that's the end. The weirdo deserves it." No word on whether the thief has found a new target. [Metro News, 6/3/2019]

Star Treatment

Gwen Lynch, the lone 2019 graduate of the eighth grade at Cuttyhunk Elementary School on Cuttyhunk Island, Massachusetts, will receive the accolades and advice of a celebrity graduation speaker, actress and comedian Jenny Slate, on June 17. The island, which has a year-round population of only about a dozen people, is familiar to Slate, whose parents live nearby, reported the Cape Cod Times. Gwen has also been working on her own speech. Graduation festivities will include a potluck dinner, and organizers expect a "packed house": "Most of the town will be there," predicted Michael Astrue, who secured Slate for the address. [Cape Cod Times, 6/3/2019]

Fashion Statement

Beachgoers looking to make a statement this summer will want to check out the Jeado, a Speedo-style swimsuit brief for men that looks like it's cut from a pair of jeans, but is really made of polyester and Spandex, for comfort and quick drying. The retailer describes the faux-denim look: "It is like eating a bag of chips in church. Everyone looks over at you with disgust, but deep down they want some too." United Press International reports that Jeados sell for $39.99 through shinesty.com. [UPI, 5/30/2019]

Questionable Judgment

While students at Holy Family Catholic School in Port Allen, Louisiana, took a field trip to Washington, D.C., to learn about our nation's founding and visit historic sites, their principal, Michael Comeau, had another kind of sightseeing in mind. In the pre-dawn hours of May 31, police were called to Archibald's Gentleman's Club in D.C. after "an intoxicated man refused to pay his bill," according to the arrest report. The Advocate reports that officers found Comeau, 47, standing in a roadway, "refusing to move." He was arrested for public intoxication and possession of an open container of alcohol. Comeau immediately resigned his position as principal, along with his role as a reserve police officer at the Brusly Police Department. [The Advocate, 5/31/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

For reasons that remain unclear, a local police officer drove a beach patrol ATV into a marsh on Tybee Island, Georgia, on May 31, where it became stuck in the mud. Officials with the Georgia Department of Natural Resources say the officer then used a City of Tybee pickup truck to try to free the ATV, but the truck also became stuck. City workers next attempted to pull both vehicles out using two backhoes, which also succumbed to the marsh. An excavator was finally able to free one of the backhoes from the muck, but the Coastal Resources Division of the DNR reported to WSAV that it will likely take a barge and crane to extricate the other three vehicles. Tybee city officials are conducting an investigation. [WSAV, 6/3/2019]

Anger Management

Don't mess with Texas ... or with 41-year-old Doris Vallejo-Godoy of Austin, Texas, who pulled a gun on a man at La Catedral del Marisco, a Mexican restaurant, according to an arrest affidavit. The June 2 scuffle began as a disagreement about who would be up next for karaoke, the Statesman reported. The man told police that as they argued, Vallejo-Godoy struck him, then pulled out her gun and pointed it at him. She also threatened a waitress who tried to intervene, the affidavit said. Police arrived as Vallejo-Godoy was arguing in the parking lot with her girlfriend; she was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and unlawful carrying of a concealed weapon. [Statesman, 6/3/2019]