There's so much to unpack about Sexy Vegan, a 37-year-old from West Hollywood, California, that we scarcely know where to begin. His real name is Hansel DeBartolo III. After changing his name in 2016, he had the new handle tattooed on his forehead and chest. He's an "Instagram sensation" and a 2020 presidential candidate, according to his IMDb profile. But most recently, Vegan's been a resident of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, reported the Los Angeles Times, following his arrest Sept. 26 on charges of sexual abuse of his dog, which authorities say he captured on video and posted on social media. "I do get judged a lot for being different," Vegan told Dr. Phil in 2017. [Los Angeles Times, 9/30/2019]

The Continuing Crisis

-- At New Lynn's Peaches and Cream, a sex toy shop in suburban Auckland, New Zealand, staffer Kat Maher immediately noticed a strange customer on Sept. 23. "He was very energetic and erratic, going around the shop, talking a lot," she told Stuff. Strangely, he also closely resembled Elvis Presley, with slicked-back black hair and sunglasses, although he was wearing a high-visibility orange vest. "He brought a sex toy called 'Like a Virgin' up to the counter, but his card declined," Maher said. When the purchase didn't go through, the man grabbed the "fake vagina" toy, worth about $60, and ran out of the store. Maher reported the theft to police, but fake Elvis has not been apprehended. She also noted that the shop gets robbed about once a week: "It's really frustrating when this sort of thing happens. So rude and it ruins your day." [Stuff, 9/30/2019]

Recurring Themes

-- Sunday morning shoppers in central Auckland, New Zealand, got more than an eyeful on Sept. 29 when for several hours, pornography was broadcast on a large outdoor video screen at the Asics sportswear store. The "totally inappropriate and offensive" scenes apparently continued for about nine hours -- until staff arrived at the store around 10 a.m. and turned the screen off, the New Zealand Herald reported. "Some people were shocked, but others just stopped and watched," said security guard Dwayne Hinango. The store manager, who gave only "John" as his name, said the incident stemmed from a cybersecurity breach, and Asics apologized on its website and through email to its customers. [New Zealand Herald, 9/30/2019]

-- And in Auburn Hills, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit, motorists along an interstate got a free show late on Sept. 28 after two people broke into a small building connected to an electronic billboard and uploaded pornography to the sign. Auburn Hills police told WDIV that two hooded young men were captured on surveillance video entering the structure at 10:49 p.m. and staying about 15 minutes. Police started getting reports of the images around 11 p.m. "I was just looking up at it and I was like, 'Huh, oh, wow. That's porn,'" said driver Chuck McMahon. Police are still looking for the hackers. [WDIV, 9/30/2019]

Unclear on the Concept

Lee Dong-jin, the mayor of Jindo county in South Korea, wanted to make International Coastal Cleanup Day special for his community. So on Sept. 20, the day before the global event, he instructed crews to transport more than a ton of trash that had already been collected from coastlines and deposit it on a pristine beach in Jindo, according to Agence-France Press. "We brought in waste Styrofoam and other coastal trash gathered from nearby areas so the 600 participants could carry out clean-up activities," Lee said. He apologized for deceiving the volunteers and assured residents that there was no "secondary pollution." [AFP via Yahoo News, 9/26/2019]

News that Sounds Like a Joke

The Hudson Regional Health Commission in New Jersey is investigating a mystery odor, according to WABC. People in Jersey City and Bayonne complained about the smell on Sept. 24, and officials, following the wind, searched in Newark but couldn't identify the source of the odor, which some described as similar to rotting fish. "Being a peninsula, we have water on three sides and sometimes at low tide you can smell the bay," explained Edoardo Ferrante, coordinator at the Office of Emergency Management. "It was really nothing like that. It was a very nasty, almost like a foul meat type of smell." The HRHC is continuing to investigate the odor. [WABC, 9/25/2019]

Family Values

Bozhena Synychka, 20, and Volodymyr Zaitsev, 25, just got "tired of looking after" their toddler boys, Andrey, 3, and Maksim, 2. So in mid-August, they dropped the boys off at a homeless encampment in Zaporizhia, Ukraine -- and didn't come back. The naked toddlers were watched over by men at the camp for a week as they drank from a river and foraged through trash for food, until passerby Olena Tashevska spotted them on Aug. 26 and called police, reported the Daily Mail. A pediatrician who examined them at the hospital said they suffered from viral infections and malnutrition. "They are weak now and barely can walk," Dr. Taisa Klimenko told local media. Police are pursuing criminal charges against the parents, and the boys are living in an orphanage in the meantime. [Daily Mail, 9/23/2019]

Buh-bye!

Michael and Georgina Parsons' 54 neighbors in Little Bay Islands, Newfoundland, are resettling on the mainland this fall as part of a program to centralize populations in growth areas. But not the Parsons. In spite of the fact that the government will cease all services to the island on Dec. 31 -- electricity, mail delivery, ferry and snowplow -- the Parsonses have decided to stay. "We're not nervous," Michael told CTV. "I don't know if that's because we're just plain crazy or whatnot." They are busy preparing for life off the grid, purchasing a snowmobile and wood stove, and installing a solar panel system. "We're also learning to do without some fresh fruits and vegetables and go to more dry goods, bottled goods, powdered milk -- that sort of stuff," Georgina said. [CTV, 10/1/2019]

Overreaction

Police were called to an IHOP restaurant in Asheville, North Carolina, on Sept. 26, after a group of patrons lost their composure when told their orange juice refills weren't free. Authorities told WLOS the customers damaged the restaurant and assaulted its manager and another employee. Police are examining surveillance video in an effort to identify the suspects. "We never want to see anyone injured, especially over a bill at a restaurant," said Asheville police spokesperson Christina Hallingse. [WLOS, 9/28/2019]

https://wlos.com/news/local/manager-of-tunnel-road-ihop-assaulted-over-lack-of-free-refills

Creme de la Weird

Indian farmer Shyam Lal Yadav, 74, bumped the top of his head about five years ago, and shortly afterward, the bump started growing, becoming what doctors call a sebaceous horn. On Sept. 18, Metro News reported that Yadav underwent surgery to remove the "devil horn" at Bhagyoday Tirth Hospital in Sagar, India. The 4-inch horn was made of keratin, the substance found in fingernails and hair, and neurosurgeons were able to remove it with a razor. "However, the underlying condition will still need to be treated," explained Dr. Vishal Gajbhiye. A biopsy of the horn showed that it was benign, and a skin graft covers the spot where it grew. [Metro News, 9/18/2019]

Spoiler Alert: Man Bites Dog

In Rio Rancho, New Mexico, officers were called to the Rio West mobile home park Sept. 26 following reports of a violent altercation, the Albuquerque Journal reported. Chris Galvadon, authorities told the paper, had used an ax to assault a woman, causing "significant injury" to her hand. But as officers assisted the woman, Galvadon barricaded himself inside the home, and the SWAT team and New Mexico State Police were called in to help. Negotiations continued unsuccessfully for hours until K-9 officer Diesel was sent in. Diesel ended the standoff by biting and apprehending Galvadon, but not before Galvadon bit him back. Rio Rancho Police Capt. Andrew Rodriguez said the bite didn't break the skin, but Diesel will "be on antibiotics for a bit." [Albuquerque Journal, 10/1/2019]

It started out innocently enough. A road-tripping couple stopped in Grosse Tete, Louisiana, on Sept. 18 to let their deaf pup relieve himself. As they stretched their legs, they wandered over to the Tiger Truck Stop petting zoo and an enclosure that's home to Caspar the Camel, and the man started throwing treats inside. But when their dog breached the fence to get at the treats, the woman, ignoring "No Trespassing" signs, followed. As she chased the dog, her husband shoved the camel and swatted him with his hat. That's when Caspar lost his cool, settling his 600-pound camel booty right on top of the woman; she told officers from the Iberville Parish Sheriff's Office that she did the only thing she could do: "I bit his balls to get him off of me." Deputy Louis Hamilton Jr. cited the couple for leash law violations and criminal trespassing, siding with Caspar: "The camel did nothing wrong," Hamilton told The Advocate. "The camel has never been aggressive." A veterinarian treated the camel with antibiotics after the incident. [The Advocate, 9/22/2019]

Can't Possibly Be True

A Trumbull County (Ohio) sheriff's deputy pulled over an Amish buggy on Donley Road early on the morning of Sept. 15 after the officer noticed a few oddities about the vehicle. For one, there were two Amish men inside who were drinking, and on the buggy's roof rode a 12-pack of beer. And, according to Fox 8, the old-fashioned conveyance sported an unlikely modern convenience: a stereo system with large speakers. As soon as the buggy came to a stop, the two men jumped out and escaped into heavy woods near the road. Meanwhile, the horse, trailing the buggy, took off. The officer was able to catch up with the horse and have the buggy towed; the drivers were still at large. The buggy "is a vehicle, it's on the roadway and the ... laws do apply," said Chief Deputy Joe Dragovich. "You're not allowed to drink and drive or operate a buggy." [Fox 8, 9/17/2019]

Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

-- The Tennessee Titans were all fired up for their NFL home opener on Sept. 15 at Nissan Stadium in Nashville. Accordingly, so was some of their pyrotechnic equipment -- which caught fire during player introductions, spreading flames and thick, black smoke near one end zone. According to Bleacher Report, no one was hurt, and flames were extinguished quickly. But the NFL, taking its usual proactive stance, placed a ban on "all flame effects and pyrotechnics used on its playing fields" until an investigation can be completed. [Bleacher Report, 9/20/2019]

-- Police arrived at the home of Vernelle Jackson, 83, in Norway, Maine, on Sept. 17, inquiring about the whereabouts of another unnamed woman in her 80s who had reportedly lived with Jackson. As police excavated the back yard and the story unfolded, Jackson admitted to authorities and WMTW News 8 that she was the one who buried the woman, about 18 months ago. "She begged me when she passed away that she didn't have enough insurance to bury her, and I don't have it. And she said, 'Will you promise me to bury me in your yard so I'll be close?' ... I finally agreed to do it to satisfy her," Jackson explained. "I put her in a tarp. I didn't carry her. I have COPD. I couldn't breathe that good." She was surprised to learn that she would have needed a permit to legally bury her friend in her yard, and she's still unclear whether she's in trouble with the law. The State Medical Examiner's office is working to ID the body and determine the cause of death. [WMTW, 9/18/2019]

Least Competent Criminals

Two football-crazed fans of Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes couldn't quite pull off a heist in Lawrence, Kansas, on Sept. 16. Pulling up to a McDonald's, the two ran inside, grabbed a life-size cardboard cutout of Mahomes and ran out, stuffing the promotional piece into their car. Lawrence Police spokesman Patrick Compton told the Lawrence Journal-World that as they received the call about the theft, they were working a car crash nearby -- in which one of the vehicles just happened to have a Mahomes cutout in the back seat. Officers questioned the suspects and ordered them to appear for alleged theft. Flat Pat was returned to the McDonald's. [Lawrence Journal-World, 9/18/2019]

Bright Idea

Paul Nixon, 51, is sought in Harris County, Texas, on charges of felony aggravated perjury after taking a novel approach to divorce. Nixon filed for divorce in February but forged his wife's signature and the name of a notary on the legal papers, the New York Post reported. A judge declared the divorce final in April -- but the wife didn't find out until May, when she noticed strange spending habits of his. "She started finding things showing that he was spending money on jewelry, so she confronted him and he told her that they were actually divorced," Constable Mark Herman said. "They are still married. The fraudulent divorce papers have been retracted." However, Nixon, who could face 10 years in prison, had so far eluded police. [New York Post, 9/18/2019]

Compelling Explanation

Kristine, 45, and Michael, 43, Barnett of Lafayette, Indiana, adopted a 6-year-old Ukrainian-born girl, Natalia Grace, with dwarfism in 2010. Nine years later, much to their confusion, they are charged with abandoning her. Within their first few weeks as a family, the Barnetts noticed that Natalia seemed to be older than they had been told, with a sophisticated vocabulary, pubic hair and menstrual periods. A doctor ordered bone density tests to check her age, and results suggested she was at least 14. So they began to treat her like a teenager. Then, the Barnetts claim, Natalia began making death threats against them. At a psychiatric hospital where she was treated, she told doctors she was much older and wanted to kill her family. "She was standing over people in the middle of the night. We had to hide all the sharp objects," Kristine Barnett told The Daily Mail. In 2012, they legally changed her age (from 8 to 22) and helped her get benefits so she could continue to receive psychiatric care, and in 2013, with Natalia living independently in an apartment, the Barnetts and their son moved to Canada. Soon after, they lost touch with the girl. But inexplicably, a second set of bone density tests, performed in 2010, surfaced, arguing that Natalia was at that time just 8 years old, and she told police herself in 2014 that she had been "left alone" when her parents moved to Canada. Michael and Kristine Barnett surrendered to the Tippecanoe County Sheriff's Department on Sept. 18 and 19, charged with abandonment of Natalia. [Daily Mail, 9/24/2019]

Wait, What?

Paramedics responded to a home in Detroit on the evening of Sept. 21 where a man was suffering from a heart attack. But as they worked on the victim, another man took a woman into a bedroom in the home and stabbed her. Then he ran out of the house and, according to Fox2, is still on the loose. The woman died at the scene, and the heart attack victim did not survive. Police are still trying to figure out the relationships between the three people. [Fox2, 9/23/2019]

Joshua Jack of Auckland, New Zealand, received an email from his bosses at an ad agency informing him that he was expected at a "redundancy meeting" to discuss his future at the company. Kindly, the New Zealand Herald reported, they suggested he was welcome to bring along a support person, such as a friend or family member. "Sensing the bad news, I decided I'd need the best support person available," Jack wrote on Facebook, "so I spent $200 ($127 U.S.) to hire a clown." As the co-workers discussed Jack's exit, the clown blew up balloons and folded them into animals. He mimed crying when Jack was handed his final paperwork. Jack said his bosses found the humor in the situation, and he has already landed another job. [NZ Herald, 9/13/2019]

News You Can Use

It's springtime in Australia, which means if you're headed outside down under, you'll want to carry a big stick with you. September and October are the height of magpie swooping season, when nesting magpies are known to attack walkers, runners and bike riders in defense of their young. While they're only 12 inches long or so, 7News reported, the black-and-white birds can cause a lot of pain with their sharp beaks. Last year, a toddler was nearly blinded, and this year a man who was attacked as he rode his bike veered off the path and crashed, later dying of head injuries. "They're never trying to hurt anyone or be malicious," ornithologist Gisela Kaplan said. "It's all about risk assessment." [7News, 8/26/2019]

The Dog Did It

Thomas Barnes, 58, got an unpleasant surprise in his bill from DirectTV in August after his dog, Marino, jumped up on Barnes' bed and pressed a remote button that mistakenly ordered pay-per-view from the Hustler channel. Barnes immediately called his service provider and explained the snafu, and he was assured that the charges would be removed. But the X-rated content remained, so after making a second call and getting no satisfaction, Barnes paid his next bill -- minus $70. Then his service was canceled altogether. Finally, Barnes complained to the Federal Communications Commission, which prompted a call from DirectTV, promising a credit on his next bill. "There's a problem when there's a mistake and you expect me to pay for the mistake," Barnes told the Raleigh News and Observer. [Raleigh News and Observer, 9/1/2019]

There's a Rule for Everything

Followers of Emily Post who are floundering with the rules for making toast ... er, getting toasted will want to pick up the new book from her great-great-granddaughter, Lizzie Post. According to The New York Times, "Higher Etiquette: A Guide to the World of Cannabis, From Dispensaries to Dinner Parties" offers tidbits of advice for a variety of situations, to wit: Don't eat all the munchies. Avoid words like "pothead" and "weed," which can have negative connotations. Tip your "budtender" well, as he or she probably makes minimum wage. "Etiquette," Post reminds us, "can be so easy." [New York Times, 7/8/2019]

Awesome!

Gerry Moore's goal with his latest project is "making people smile," and it's working. The Pensacola, Florida, man built a "boat car," a hybrid vehicle that looks like a boat on top but motors along the street on the chassis of a Ford Expedition. Moore's wife, Karen, said her husband completed the project in three days and made sure it was street legal before taking it out on the road. WEAR TV reported on Sept. 10 that the vehicle is a "permanent convertible," but Moore keeps a scuba mask and snorkel on board in case they get caught in the rain. [WEAR, 9/10/2019]

Seems Like a Theme

-- After Hurricane Dorian moved away from the U.S. southeast coast, a couple from Summerville, South Carolina, strolled out to Folly Beach to see what had washed up. Their efforts were rewarded when they stumbled on two cannonballs from the Civil War. "When we first found the one, my girlfriend thought it was a rock," Aaron Lattin said. "But when I started to dig around it, it was very round. ... We came back the next day and we found the larger cannonball tucked away in the brush, and that's when we contacted authorities." WCIV reported that after Hurricane Matthew in 2016, 16 cannonballs were found in that same spot. "The whole Charleston area is exactly where the Civil War began, so to find something causes you to look back and realize what a big part of history that was, it's very exciting," Lattin remarked. [WCIV, 9/10/2019]

-- Jeff Eastham, hired to remove a dead tree on a historic property in Independence, Missouri, in early September, was surprised when a small Civil War cannonball fell out of one of the branches. The property is the site of the Overfelt-Johnston house, which served as a hospital during the first Battle of Independence. Owner Randall Pratt told KMBC that it wasn't the first cannonball they'd found on the property: "When the property was restored in 1980, there was a cannonball that had been shot into the wall, just to the left of the upstairs window," Pratt said. In addition to the newest munition, a half-dozen old chains were found embedded in the tree. Pratt said he would keep the cannonball to display in the historic home. [KMBC, 9/12/2019]

Hair Fetish?

In the overnight hours of Sept. 17, thieves targeting Prime Trading Hair and Wigs in Miami Gardens, Florida, rammed the front door repeatedly and eventually made off with $70,000 to $80,000 worth of wigs, some worth as much as $800 apiece, reported WFOR. Business owner Rakib Hossain said the thieves "knew where the expensive products were, and they knew everything about the stock room." Thankfully, he was insured for his losses. In a strange twist, the burglary at Prime Trading follows a similar incident two weeks earlier, right across the street at Subi Training Inc., where criminals stole up to $100,000 worth of products including many wigs. [WFOR, 9/17/2019]

Chutzpah!

In their booking photos, Aaron Seth Thomas, 31, and Megan Lynn Mondanaro, 35, are both sporting sly little grins, and no wonder: After they were detained near midnight on Sept. 13 for drunk bicycling in Fernandina Beach, Florida, the couple passed the time in the back of the patrol car by stripping down and having sex. Nassau County Sheriff's deputies pulled Thomas, who was fully naked, out of the car, but he escaped, The Florida Times-Union reported. He was later found hiding behind an ice cream store nearby. The two were charged with lewd and lascivious exhibition, threats against public officials, attempted escape, resisting arrest with violence, exposing sexual organs and theft, along with DUI. [Florida Times-Union, 9/16/2019]

Extreme Measures

Twenty-two-year-old Erik Villasenor of Sylmar, California, REALLY didn't want to go to the Los Angeles County Fair on Sept. 15 with his parents. Evidently, his determination was great that he thought it was appropriate to send an email to fair staff around 2:45 p.m. on Sept. 13, with an alarming warning: "Hello, I was told that someone was planning on doing a mass shooting on Sunday at the fairgrounds. I just wanted to inform you guys already." Naturally, Fox News reported, Villasenor's email set off a chain of events involving the police department, FBI and anti-terror liaisons. Villasenor eventually admitted to authorities that it was a hoax and was arrested just a few hours later. [Fox News, 9/16/2019]

Oh, the Stupidity!

Tyler Uher -- whom Ohio University has explicitly confirmed is NOT a student at the institution -- suffered numerous injuries on Sept. 13, after he climbed an electric pole near the Athens, Ohio, campus to the cheers of a raucous crowd below. At the top, Uher, who had been drinking, grabbed a live wire, which sent sparks flying and set his hand on fire, reported the Daily Mail. He then lost his footing and fell to the ground, about 30 feet below. One witness was shaken: "I thought he was dead. There's no explanation for him living." His injuries included three broken leg bones, four breaks in his back, numerous burns and other fractures. Uher's sister, Danielle, started a GoFundMe page to help pay his medical bills, but some weren't having it: Comments included, "What in the name of God were you thinking?" Athens police said that Uher may be charged with criminal mischief. [Daily Mail, 9/16/2019]