Seattle police were called to a home on Aug. 18 for a reported burglary, KOMO-TV reported. A young woman inside the home said someone was trying to break in with a stick. Officers went into the home and found the victim hiding upstairs. The suspect, who was identified only as a 40-year-old male, was discovered in the garage, in one of the homeowner's vehicles, where he was guzzling gasoline from a jerrycan. He refused to leave the car, so police broke the driver's side window and took him out. He was charged with attempted burglary. [KOMO, 8/24/2023]

It's Come to This

United Airlines pilot Kenneth Henderson Jones, 63, told police that he had "hit his breaking point" on Aug. 2 after he took an ax to an employee parking lot gate at Denver International Airport, Denver7-TV reported. Video of the incident showed Jones hacking away at the gate with little effect, until he realized the sheath was still on the blade. With about 15 more seconds of striking it with the sharp blade, the gate broke. Jones then returned to the parking lot with a security guard in pursuit. After a brief struggle, Jones was detained in a nearby field by police officers. He was charged with misdemeanor criminal mischief and later released; United said he was "removed from the schedule." Jones told deputies was "trying to get rid of issues for everyone waiting" in the exit lines. [Denver7, 8/21/2023]

Crime Report

Porch pirates, meet your leader. Robin Swanger of Arnco, Georgia, was charged with felony theft after he allegedly stole an entire porch from a neighbor's yard, Fox News reported on Aug. 22. The 8-by-10-foot wooden porch was left on the property when the house was moved away, but investigators said Swanger ignored "no trespassing" signs and removed the "very well-constructed" structure. "Some people may shrug their shoulders and say it's not a big deal," said county investigator Chris Stapler, "but when you take someone's property without their consent and the value of this porch is $3,000, you can't just go and take stuff off someone's property." Well said. [Fox News, 8/22/2023]

Bad Dog

Magda Mazri and Donato Frattaroli of Boston are set to tie the knot on Aug. 31 in Lake Garda, Italy, Fox News reported, with almost 100 guests in attendance. But on Aug. 17, as the couple dined out to celebrate getting their wedding license, their golden retriever, Chickie, chewed up Frattaroli's passport. "I can't be mad at Chickie because I'm the idiot who left the passport out where she could get it," Frattaroli said, adding that he can't sleep. Mazri jumped into action, contacting local officials and the passport agency. "It's been a complete whirlwind," she said. While they're hopeful that a new passport can be issued in time, Frattaroli is prepared for the worst. "Tell everybody that's going to have a great time enjoying the beautiful event that Magda spent the last 18 months planning. I'll see everybody when they get back," he said. [Fox News, 8/22/2023]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

Dog ownership in Iran is frowned upon in many circles (dogs are considered "unclean"), but authorities took their biases to another level after a couple transferred the title to their apartment to their little white dog, Chester. The couple have no heirs, and Chester "signed" with an ink-covered paw. Yahoo! News reported that on Aug. 19, Iranian police "arrested the head of the real estate agency and shuttered the firm," according to deputy prosecutor general Reza Tabar. The sale "seeks to normalize the violation of the society's moral values" and "has no legal basis." [Yahoo! News, 8/20/2023]

News You Can Use

Along with all the other natural oddities going on this summer, people are reporting exploding watermelons, NBC New York reported. What? "My melon was on the counter and it must have already been bad when I got it and the next day I came down to an awful smell and rotten melon everywhere," one person commented on a Facebook post about the phenomenon. Keith Schneider, professor in the Food Science and Human Nutrition Department at the University of Florida, said the explosions are "probably due to the heat. The fruit, if slightly damaged, can begin fermenting. If enough fermentation occurs, which produces gas, enough internal pressure may build up for the watermelon to crack or pop." And don't eat it! "The watermelon is undergoing decay, so it's best to bring it back to the store and get a replacement or just toss it," Schneider added. Put that melon in the refrigerator before and after cutting it, experts advise. [NBC New York, 8/18/2023]

Ewwwww

Thomas Howie of Madison Heights, Michigan, has become "increasingly depressed" and "paranoid about food served by others" since a March incident at a Detroit Olive Garden restaurant, The Detroit News reported. Howie filed a lawsuit on Aug. 18 against the restaurant for "tangible and intangible harm" to the tune of $25,000 in Macomb Circuit Court, claiming that he ate a spoonful of minestrone soup with a foreign object in it. When he felt a "stab," he spit out the offending object, which appeared to be the foot of a rat with fur and claws. "My stomach just heaved; I threw up right in the restaurant," Howie said. "Until this happened, this was my favorite restaurant. I still can't believe it." Olive Garden isn't buying it: "We have no reason to believe there is any validity to this claim," a representative said. Howie had a tetanus shot to treat the cut in his mouth and took the foot to police. [Detroit News, 8/22/2023]

It's Come to This

Suffolk (England) police have issued a special request to the town council as it considers its "Turning Our Town Around" project, the BBC reported. The area of focus, Arras Square, includes St. Stephen's Church and graveyard, which police say is a site with "high levels of crime" and antisocial behavior. In particular, the tombstones are being used "as tables to consume alcohol and drugs ... (and) sometimes the site of sexual activity." Police recommended that individual tombstones be enclosed or surrounded by small railings along the top edge to deter such activity. The council said the recommendation is under consideration. [BBC, 8/21/2023]

Recent Alarming Headline

Sheila Ortega, 72, hadn't been heard from for about a month before her family requested a welfare check on Aug. 15 in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Sheriff Tony Mancuso told KPLC-TV that his officers "went to the house. No car in the driveway, no signs of foul play." Five days later, Ortega's family reported her missing, and that day, Christopher T. Cater, 41, was pulled over as he drove Ortega's SUV. The deputy asked Cater if he knew Ortega's whereabouts, and he said he had dropped her in Arkansas to visit some friends and was due to pick her up in a few days. On the following day, Ortega's van was seen in the parking lot of Prien Lake Mall, and deputies took a closer look, "finding her body in the car," Mancuso said. When they confronted Cater, he admitted to killing Cater about a month ago and getting several loans using her information. He said he was unsure what to do with her body. "We have never seen someone drive around with a dead body in the SUV for 30 days," Mancuso said. Cater's bond is pending. [KPLC, 8/22/2023]

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Sigh. Security guards at the Eiffel Tower in Paris discovered two American tourists sleeping near the top of the structure on Aug. 14 as they prepared to open to visitors, Yahoo! News reported. Paris prosecutors said the two dodged security the night before and "appear to have got stuck because of how drunk they were." Firefighters were dispatched to collect the men, who were questioned by police; Eiffel Tower management company Sete said it would file a criminal complaint, although the pair didn't "pose any apparent threat." [Yahoo! News, 8/15/2023]

Police Report

In more news from Paris, an "experienced climber" got to the top of the Eiffel Tower early on Aug. 17 and parachuted off before guards could stop him, The Guardian reported. The unnamed man landed safely after the leap from about 1,100 feet and was promptly arrested for endangering the lives of others. "This kind of irresponsible action puts people working at or near the tower in danger," scolded Sete, the tower's management company. [Guardian, 8/17/2023]

Least Competent Criminal

Sure, Mountain Dew has been compared to battery acid, but one suspect thought a can of the stuff could save her from being fingered as a killer. Fox35-TV reported that on Aug. 5, Nichole Maks, 35, was charged with first-degree murder in the death of her 79-year-old roommate, Michael Cerasoli. Cerasoli was discovered beaten and stabbed in the home they shared in Daytona Beach, Florida, on July 1. Officers tracked down Maks around 3:30 the next morning at a Krystal's restaurant, where she had blood on the side of her leg and part of her shirt had been torn or cut away. As they approached, she dropped a knife and hammer she'd been carrying; she told officers she often carried such items. Police said that as they questioned her about her roommate, she became "agitated" and asked for a drink; they gave her a can of Diet Mountain Dew, which she poured over her body and hair, hoping to eliminate any evidence on her person. Unsurprisingly, that stunt didn't work, and her DNA was found on the knife used to kill Cerasoli. She currently resides at the Volusia County Jail. [Fox35, 8/14/2023]

The Weirdo-American Community

TikTokker Michaela Witter was on Day 20 of a series she was posting about "100 solo dates" -- activities like reading in the park or buying herself flowers. On Aug. 7, as she browsed in Barnes & Noble in Burbank, California, Witter inadvertently captured a stalker on video as he followed her, kneeled behind her and sniffed her (and another woman) repeatedly. Fox News reported that Witter's post unleashed a torrent of similar experiences -- even with the same stalker. "Bro that same man was crouching behind me and following me thru Marshalls today," one commenter posted. "The same thing happened to me at Ralph's in Burbank," another said. One TikTokker had the same experience in the same bookstore. Glendale police arrested Calese Carron Crowder, 37, on Aug. 11, but a judge placed him on probation and released him on Aug. 15. Los Angeles County Jail records show Crowder has been booked there 41 times. [Fox News, 8/16/2023]

Ummmmmm

-- Street performer Lino Tomasen, 32, of Havana, Cuba, retired from boxing after a blow delivered to his opponent fractured the man's skull and killed him instantly, he told Reuters. Tomasen gave all his fight winnings to that man's family and took to the streets, where the "Ironman" now beats on himself and collects tips. He uses a sledgehammer to slam his wrists, elbows and forearms for horrified onlookers, but seems to be unharmed by the abuse. "It's all real, nothing fabricated," said Edward Carbonell, who watched Tomasen's "show." "I want to be remembered as someone who pushed the limits of what was possible," Tomasen said. [Reuters, 8/15/2023]

-- At a sunset "furmeet" on Aug. 12 in Huntington Beach, California, one furry took offense when a man in street clothes started filming the spectacle on his phone, the Toronto Sun reported. Someone in a black wolf costume asked the filmer to stop, then amplified his message with a megaphone: "Leave or we will make you leave." When the filmer didn't budge, the wolf hit him over the head with the megaphone. Others jumped into the brawl, which was finally broken up by California State Parks officers. [Toronto Sun, 8/16/2023]

The Tech Revolution

The California Public Utilities Commission voted in early August to allow Cruise and Waymo to offer paid driverless rides to customers during the day, The New York Times reported. On Aug. 15, as Paul Harvey, 74, looked on, a Cruise vehicle in San Francisco drove into a city paving project and became stuck in wet concrete. "I thought it was funny," Harvey said. "It illustrated how creepy and weird the whole thing is to me." Rachel Gordon with the San Francisco Department of Public Works noted that no one was hurt, but added, "That portion of the road has to be repaved at Cruise's expense." Paul Leonardi, a professor of technology management at the University of California, Santa Barbara, chalked up the experience to a teaching moment: "It needs to experience a diverse set of use cases so it can learn, and driving into wet concrete is one of those use cases." [NY Times, 8/17/2023]

Clothing Optional

At Stoke Fruit Farm on Hayling Island in England, the sunflowers have been in full bloom for several weeks. The colorful fields offer a perfect background for photo shoots, but, the BBC reported, the farm has seen an "increase of reports of naked photography taking place" since July 28. "People are having fun and taking pictures for their Instagram but we just ask that they keep their clothes on," said Sam Wilson, who runs the site. In an Aug. 11 Facebook post, the attraction cautioned that "this must not happen during our public sessions please." One commenter said her son "got a right eyeful" after stumbling across a woman wearing just a thong. "Should have seen his face!" [BBC, 8/17/2023]

It's (Not) a Mystery

When the European Space Agency shared a composite photo taken by the James Webb Telescope in late July, highlighting two actively forming stars, another shape in the photo caught the attention of Earth-bound gazers: an orange formation in the shape of a question mark. Kai Noeske, ESA communication program officer, explained to NPR what scientists think the shape is: "a group or a chance alignment of two or three galaxies. The upper part of the question mark looks like a distorted spiral galaxy, maybe merging with a second galaxy." Galaxy mergers result in "all kinds of beautiful shapes and structures," said Macarena Garcia Marin, a Webb project scientist. They are "a normal phase in the life and evolution of galaxies." [NPR, 8/17/2023]

Questionable Judgment

An unnamed man called his dangerous stunt "a joke" after being arrested in Ostrobothnia, Finland, Sky News reported on Aug. 9. The man allegedly stored 26 pounds of dynamite in his friend's two cars before calling the owner and telling him. The owner wasn't laughing: He alerted police, who evacuated nearby buildings. "In addition to the dynamite, detonators were also confiscated from the cars," said Tony Rauma, detective chief inspector with the Ostrobothnia Police. The jokester told police he did not intend to blow up the cars, and links to terrorism have been ruled out. [Sky News, 8/9/2023]

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The infamous "Lake Tahoe Foot Fondler" couldn't outrun authorities forever, the New York Post reported. On Aug. 1, Mark Anthony Gonzales, 26, was arrested in Atwater, California, and charged with burglary and battery after two early July incidents at the Club Wyndham South Shore hotel in Nevada. According to police, Gonzales "entered two ... condominiums by opening unlocked screen doors. Once inside, he positioned himself at the foot of the bed and rubbed the feet of two separate adult females" in two different units. Gonzales fled when his victims woke up and confronted him. He is also suspected of trespassing and stealing women's shoes for sexual pleasure. He was being held for extradition back to Nevada. [NY Post, 8/2/2023]

Unclear on the Concept

Pinellas County (Florida) deputies are pleading with the public to stop calling them about manatees in canals and shorelines along the Gulf Coast, Fox13-TV reported on Aug. 1. People think the manatees are in distress because they're swimming in herds and thrashing about, but officials stress that the sea cows are only mating. "IF YOU SEE THIS ... DON'T CALL US," the sheriff's office warned via Facebook post. "We can assure you they are more than fine. Manatees actually mate in herds like these and often they are near the shore. ... There's no need to call, they are a-okay!" [Fox13, 8/1/2023]

The Entrepreneurial Spirit

In a stunning stroke of genius, the Alpha and Omega Funeral Home in Ahuachapan, El Salvador, started offering Barbie-themed coffins last year, the New York Post reported. With the movie's summer success, undertaker Isaac Villegas said they've been swamped with orders and have sold out of the hot pink caskets. "We wanted to promote the pink coffin as it has become a trend," Villegas said. "Of the 40 people who inquired about it, we have already closed a contract with at least 10 new clients." Similarly, in Guayaquil, Ecuador, funeral home Funeraria Olivares is offering a "Barbie House" coffin, "so you can rest like a Barbie." One manufacturer gushed about their product: "This coffin, with its striking bright pink color, represents the spark and energy of those unforgettable moments they lived." One El Salvadoran commenter conceded, "Eternal rest doesn't look so bad anymore." [NY Post, 8/1/2023]

Nowhere To Go but Up

Early on July 28, Thornton, Colorado, police were called out about a stolen car, KKTV reported. As the officers gathered information, the suspect, 36-year-old Julian Fernandez, returned to the scene, but "quickly ran on foot from the area and out of sight," police said. While they watched, the man jumped over a security fence and started climbing a 320-foot radio tower. He eventually reached the top, where he stayed for 12 hours as crisis negotiators tried to reason with him. In the end, firefighters climbed the tower and brought Fernandez down. [KKTV, 7/30/2023]

Unconventional Weaponry

A Sonic Drive-In restaurant in Tulsa, Oklahoma, was the scene of a gruesome assault on Aug. 1, Fox News reported. Police arriving at the scene found a man with a flagpole -- American flag still attached -- through his head. They said it had entered under his jaw and exited near his right temple. Witnesses reported that the suspect, Clinton Collins, allegedly charged the victim and ran the pole through his head, saying, "That's what he gets. He deserved it." Collins was taken into custody immediately. Emergency responders had to cut part of the flagpole away in order to fit the victim in the ambulance. He survived but may lose an eye, police said. [Fox News, 8/3/2023]

Bright Idea

Pinecrest, Florida, has a peculiar problem: peacocks. The New York Times reported on Aug. 9 that the city has been overrun with the large, loud, destructive birds, which peck at roofs and cars and relieve themselves all over driveways. The solution? Peacock vasectomies. Dr. Don J. Harris, the veterinarian who will snip the feisty birds, said they're "bona fide polygamists. We're going to catch one peacock and probably stop seven females from reproducing. It's going to have an exponential benefit." County commissioners approved the plan, and city officials designated $7,500 a month to cover trapping and surgery. [NY Times, 8/9/2023]

Nature Gone Wild

Peggy Jones, 64, of Silsbee, Texas, got a little too close to nature for comfort on July 25 as she and her husband did yard work on their property. The New York Times reported that out of the blue, a snake fell from the sky, wrapped itself around Jones' forearm and started to squeeze. "I immediately screamed and started swinging my arm to shake the snake off," she said. "I was screaming, 'Jesus, help me, please, Jesus, help me!'" But the snake hissed and struck at her face, sometimes hitting her glasses. Then, as Jones struggled, a hawk swooped down and tried to grab the snake, which it had dropped from on high, from her arm. As it wrestled with the snake, its talons slashed into Jones' arm. Finally, the hawk got hold of the snake and flew off. She said the whole incident probably took only 15 or 20 seconds, but afterward, "I looked down at my arm and it was totally covered in blood." Jones' husband, Wendell, saw his wife screaming and running in a zigzag pattern: "By the time I got to her, she was pretty hysterical," he said. Doctors said most of her wounds were caused by the hawk rather than the snake. Jones says that she is healing physically but is still having nightmares about the incident. [NY Times, 8/9/2023]

Irony

An instructor at a driving school in Lakewood, Colorado, won't be getting a passing grade after crashing a car into the school's front window on Aug. 8 -- just under a sign that says "Learn To Drive." KDFW-TV reported that the driver, who was trying to park a Hyundai Tucson in front of the Community Driving School, was cited for a traffic violation. Police said there was only one minor injury. [KDFW, 8/9/2023]

Field Report

Divers Ken Fleming and Doug Bishop were searching for clues in missing persons cold cases on Aug. 6 in Doral, Florida, when they stumbled upon an investigatory treasure chest, WSVN-TV reported. "We realized we had 32 cars underwater," Fleming said. The divers work as volunteers and have a huge database of missing persons. "We have 40 that we're targeting right now of folks that disappeared, anywhere from two or three months ago to 30, 40 years ago," he said. Statewide, Fleming said they have found 60 submerged cars that may be linked to crimes. They'll work with the county to get the vehicles removed and collect and deliver any pertinent information from them. [WSVN, 8/6/2023]

But, Why?

A mysterious man is taking pacifiers out of the mouths of babes in Harlow, England, Sky News reported. The incidents started in February, with the most recent one taking place on Aug. 7. One of the children was also assaulted. The suspect is a young, slim white man with brown eyes and yellow teeth, police said; they are soliciting information from anyone who has any knowledge of the cagey Dummy Bandit (our moniker, not theirs). "As a parent myself, I understand the level of concern," said chief inspector Paul Austin. [Sky News, 8/9/2023]

Send your weird news items with subject line WEIRD NEWS to WeirdNewsTips@amuniversal.com.