Dustin Ebey, 35, a middle school math teacher from north Texas, has thrown his hat in the ring in a big way: He changed his legal name to Literally Anybody Else and is running a write-in campaign for president of the United States in Texas (where he didn't get enough signatures to get on the ballot) and Tennessee (where he did get enough). ABC13-TV reported that Else has revealed his running mate, Neal David Sutz, a New Yorker who is currently living in Switzerland. Else said Americans deserve better than the divisive, partisan electoral system we currently have. "This name gives everybody something to point to, to channel, that being to one movement, to one message that could hopefully have a meaningful impact," Else said. [ABC13, 7/17/2024]

It's Good To Have a Hobby

The force is definitely with these folks in Mexico City -- students of the Jedi Knight Academy, who meet in a park four nights a week to practice their lightsaber dueling skills, the Associated Press reported on June 21. "When students arrive, some of them drop the saber," said instructor Ulises Vazquez, who's known as the Jedi master. He said they go on to become "excellent athletes and excellent lightsaber fighters and fencers." The sessions, which last three hours, are based on Jedi and Sith teachings. Vazquez and his best friend, Gabriel Mendoza, opened the academy in 2019, at which point lightsaber dueling had already been recognized by the French Fencing Federation as an official competitive sport. [AP, 6/21/2024]

Walgreens: The Lost Hours

When police in New Smyrna Beach, Florida, were called to a Walgreens store around 3 a.m. on July 15, they could see a man inside helping himself to a pack of Newport cigarettes, WESH-TV reported. They talked Christopher Morgan through unlocking the front door and asked him if there was anyone else in the building; in apparent confusion, he replied that he didn't know. "I came in here to use the bathroom," he explained -- but that was more than five hours before, around 9:40 p.m., when security footage showed him entering the restroom. He didn't come out until 2:42 a.m. When police asked him what time he thought it was, he said, "Probably 11 o'clock." While locked in the store alone, Morgan feasted on junk food: Tostitos spinach dip, chips, Reese's and Ghirardelli chocolate and Dr Pepper. Morgan resisted arrest and spit on an officer; he was charged with burglary and larceny-petit theft. [WESH, 7/16/2024]

The Aristocrats

During a visit to the Channel Islands on July 16, King Charles III took some time to bestow a special honor, the Associated Press reported. A rare golden goat breed found on the island of Guernsey will now have the title of Royal Golden Guernsey Goat, which will apply to the breed anywhere in the world. "Hopefully this will raise awareness for the breed," said Rebecca Martin, the owner of a specimen the king met. The king reportedly favored the goat with a compliment about its pale blond coat. [AP, 7/16/2024]

Great Art?

At the "subversive" Museum of Old and New Art in Tasmania, three paintings displayed in the women's restroom, and billed as works by Pablo Picasso, have been revealed to have been created by another artist: museum curator Kirsha Kaechele. The Associated Press reported on July 12 that the paintings had hung in the women-only "gallery" for three years. "I imagined that a Picasso scholar, or maybe just a Picasso fan, or maybe just someone who googles things, would visit the Ladies Lounge and ... expose me on social media," Kaechele said -- especially because she accidentally hung one of the works upside-down. The Ladies Lounge originally offered high tea, massages and champagne served by male butlers. The idea, Kaechele said, was for men "to feel as excluded as possible." But when the Tasmanian Civil and Administrative Tribunal ordered the museum to allow men in, Kaechele installed a working toilet in the space and called it a restroom. When The Guardian asked Kaechele about the authenticity of the Picassos, she confessed that she had painted them. [AP, 7/12/2024]

Bright Idea

A 33-year-old man named Jing, from the Hubei province in China, has put technology to work for him, the South China Morning Post reported on July 13. When he suspected that his wife, Wu, was having an affair with a co-worker, Jing used a drone to follow her. Jing said his wife became "cold" to him last year; she also changed her position at work and "visited her parents" more often. The surveillance revealed that Wu went to a remote area, where she walked hand-in-hand with a man and disappeared for about 20 minutes into a dilapidated mud house. "Her other man is her boss," Jing said. He plans to use the footage in a divorce case. [SCMP, 7/13/2024]

Awesome!

At a zoo in Liaoning province in China, a pair of penguins tied the knot in early July with all the traditional trimmings -- and they already had the suits! The South China Morning Post reported that the event was held in the birds' pavilion, with the standard red "double happiness" character, eight banquet tables filled with fish and shrimp, and dozens of penguin guests. The breeder gushed that he had watched the couple "getting to know each other, falling in love and then walking down the aisle together." [SCMP, 7/17/2024]

Hanger Pains

As Sam's Club workers in Atlanta prepared to close the store on July 10, a family of three women arrived two minutes before closing time, hoping to order two whole pizzas, WSB-TV reported. Workers told the women it was too late and tried to summon a manager, but before they could, Andreana McKnight, the mother, moved into the kitchen and punched Cierra Monroe in the face. The daughters also came into the kitchen, joining the fight; other customers tried to break things up. Monroe said the blow to her face left her with a scar and she would like more security in the store. "I just feel like we need to have security from the moment we open to the moment we close, every day, seven days a week," she said. [WSB, 7/16/2024]

Enough Is Enough

The South Zanesville (Ohio) Fire Department has had enough of Kesha S. Kennedy, 34, who pleaded guilty July 12 to felony disrupting public services, felony making false alarms and 25 counts of misuse of 911 systems, WJBF-TV reported. Officials said that starting in 2020, Kennedy called 911 nearly 400 times -- multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day -- hampering their ability to service people with actual emergencies. Workers at Genesis Hospital were forced to triage Kennedy every time she arrived, although she was repeatedly told there was nothing wrong with her. Kennedy had a record of similar behavior in four other Ohio counties; she will be sentenced at a later date. [WJBF, 7/17/2024]

Irony

Honest Abe Auto Sales in Indianapolis is settling a lawsuit for bait-and-switch tactics, falsely advertised prices and preying on customers with poor credit ratings, the Indianapolis Star reported on July 17. More than 250 customers who were taken in by the misnomer are now being paid back to the tune of $471,000. "The fact that they call themselves 'Honest Abe' just makes the facts of this case especially rich," said Attorney General Todd Rokita. [Indianapolis Star, 7/17/2024]

Betcha didn't know about the Merlympics in Geneva, Switzerland. The event, in existence since 2015, is designed to "prove athleticism" among mermaid competitors, KSL-TV reported. At the May games, Mia Sim, 22, of Provo, Utah, secured her title as the fastest mermaid in the world. Sim has been mermaiding for 10 years; at the Merlympics, athletes must compete in five categories, including ecology (diving to the bottom and picking up trash); underwater posing for photographs; and rescue (swimming to "save" a submerged dummy) -- all while wearing full mermaid or merman gear. "It's not a skill that's easily learned," Sim said of mermaiding. "This type of restriction on your body is very difficult for people to understand." She has now been inducted into Team USA and hopes other Utah mermaids will aspire to such heights. [KSL, 7/7/2024]

Keep Digging

During a court hearing on July 2 in Crown Point, Indiana, defendant Devontae Harris, 26, just couldn't keep his shovel quiet, the Chicago Tribune reported. Lake Superior Court Judge Gina Jones was hearing Harris' argument for a plea deal in a stalking and battery case from November 2022, but when she denied the deal, Harris called her names and said, "... you think you know about stuff. I done killed (people). I got bodies under my belt. Go solve them." He also threatened to throw his chair at the judge and asked her to perform a sex act on him. Jones added 210 days to Harris' jail term, increasing it to 13 months. [Chicago Tribune, 7/5/2024]

Weird in the Wild

Bigfoot walks among us -- or at least among campers in Louisiana, MSN reported. On June 28, the Natchitoches Parish Sheriff's Office responded to a call for help from a group of campers, high school graduates from Houma, Louisiana, who were celebrating their matriculation. The kids were camping in Kisatchie National Forest and told officers they heard growling and saw a 5-foot-tall animal with glowing eyes. Officers were unable to locate the creature, but they escorted the campers back to their vehicle. [MSN, 7/2/2024]

That Rule Doesn't Apply to Me: South Africa Edition

On July 7 in South Africa, a visitor to the Pilanesberg National Park lost his life after being trampled by an elephant, CTV News reported. The 43-year-old man was driving through the park when he left his car and approached a herd to take photographs, police said. Three other people in the car were unharmed. The elephant herd included young calves, which may have made the adults more aggressive. Piet Nel, chief conservation officer for the North West Parks and Tourism Board, said visitors are explicitly instructed not to leave their cars. "We must remember that you are entering a wild area," he said. [CTV News, 7/9/2024]

Ignominious

The San Diego Humane Society has put the city on the map, but maybe not in a good way. CBS8-TV reported on July 8 that the SDHS claims the city has more fleas than any other city in the United States, making its pets miserable. "We have a perfect climate here, where it is warm year-round," said Zarah Hedge, chief medical officer at the SDHS. "It's just a perfect environment for them to live in." Hedge recommended pet owners talk to their veterinarians about treatment. Or, you could move. [CBS8, 7/8/2024]

Oh, the Christianity!

Roger Allan Holmberg Sr., 75, pastor of Grace Baptist Temple in Anchorage, Alaska, was arrested on July 2 after assaulting his wife, who has epilepsy, on a flight from Seattle to Anchorage, ABC News reported. The conflict started when Holmberg's wife got upgraded to first class, and he didn't. Shortly after liftoff, Holmberg appeared in the first-class cabin and asked his wife, "How the hell did you get the upgrade?" She answered, "I'm a gold point member. Don't speak to me like that." Holmberg returned to his seat but then approached again, asking his wife to read what was on his phone, after which he gave her the finger. During the third confrontation, according to the complaint, Holmberg "attempted to swing his arm towards (the victim)" and struck "the top of the victim's head with his hand." An off-duty police officer on board told Holmberg if there were any more incidents during the flight, he would have to wear handcuffs. An FBI agent met the plane when it landed and arrested Holmberg on one count of simple assault. Alaska Airlines said it had banned him from its flights. [ABC News, 7/9/2024]

Recent Alarming Headline

Four Sri Lankan fishermen are dead and two others are critically ill after they drank from bottles they found floating in the ocean, the BBC reported on June 29. The Sri Lankan Navy said the fishers thought the bottles contained alcohol, and they distributed some bottles to other crews fishing in the area. The navy said it was treating the men aboard their craft, the Devon, and trying to get them back to shore. Authorities are testing the contents of the bottles to determine what the sailors drank. [BBC, 6/29/2024]

Bright Idea

After Daniel Jean, 39, and Esmy Valdez, 38, of Brooklyn, New York, exchanged wedding vows on June 27, they celebrated with friends at an unconventional venue: the New York subway L train, according to the New York Post. The couple hosted 20 invited guests -- plus a bunch of strangers -- on July 2 at a "dope reception," Jean said. "We didn't have the money to do the dream reception that I'd always envisioned," he said. But for only $3,000, the couple had food catered by O's Grill Spot, a cake, drinks and music. Valdez was charmed: "When I walked onto the train and saw everything, I thought, 'Wow, I picked the right guy,'" she said. "Our reception was all about love." [NY Post, 7/3/2024]

The Tech Revolution

Welcome to the 21st century, Japan! Reuters reported on July 3 that the government has eliminated all use of floppy disks in all its systems. "We have won the war on floppy disks on June 28!" announced Digital Minister Taro Kono. What a relief! [Reuters, 7/3/2024]

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us!

The famous-for-being-famous crowd lit up with a dirty little story in mid-June about Derek Blasberg, 42, a "professional best friend to celebrities," having a blowout time at Gwyneth Paltrow's guest cottage in the Hamptons. Variety reported that Blasberg was outed as the culprit behind an "intense bowel movement" that caused considerable damage. Insiders say Blasberg cited his use of the diabetes drug Ozempic as the cause of his distress, but one doubter poo-poo'd the idea: "That's just what he told everyone." [Variety, 7/5/2024]

Woof!

This year's Anthrocon gathering in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was about much more than meeting other "furry" friends, KDKA-TV reported. The convention, held on July 4-7, draws people who like to dress as animals and their fans and raises money for charity; this year, donations were solicited for Gray Paws Sanctuary, a Pittsburgh-based volunteer organization dedicated to rescuing senior dogs. With thousands of furries attending the gathering, Anthrocon brought in $100,000 for Gray Paws, breaking a fundraising record. Darla Poole Brescia with Gray Paws was ecstatic: "A hundred thousand is about our annual operating budget, so we are able to save twice as many dogs this year. The Anthrocon people are the nicest people." [KDKA, 7/9/2024]

Rolling Stone reported on July 2 that prolific baby daddy and host of "The Masked Singer" Nick Cannon has recently insured his "most valuable assets" for $10 million. "You hear about, like, all these different celebrities insuring their legs ... so I was like, 'Hey, well, I got to insure my most valuable body part,'" Cannon said. Even better, the "Ball-to-Ball" policy was taken out with Dr. Squatch, a men's grooming company that invites users to find the "value of their balls." The father of 12 (with five different mamas) said he's "doubling down on ... my future kids." [Rolling Stone, 7/2/2024]

Recent Alarming Headline

A sinkhole 100 feet wide and 100 feet deep opened up on June 26, smack-dab in the middle of a soccer complex in Alton, Illinois, The Telegraph reported. The fields are built over an operating limestone mine; the field collapsed above the ceiling of the mine, which is 40 to 50 feet thick. Alton Parks and Recreation Director Michael Haynes said the fields were empty and no one was injured in the collapse, including miners. Along with the artificial turf, the hole sucked up benches and a light pole on the field. [Telegraph, 6/26/2024]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

-- On June 24 in a federal by-election in Toronto, Canada, candidate Felix-Antoine Hamel, 45, made history: He received zero votes. The CBC reported that Hamel was approached by a friend to add his name to the ballot, one of the longest in Canadian history, as part of a protest against Canada's electoral system. "Well, I am the true unity candidate," Hamel said. "Everyone agrees not to vote for me." Hamel couldn't even vote for himself, as he is from Montreal, not Toronto. "I'm one of the last people that would be expected to make Canadian history in any way," the musician said. [CBC, 6/27/2024]

-- Jillian Uygun, 22, of Seminole, Florida, just wanted a cuddle from her boyfriend on June 29, The Smoking Gun reported. But when he refused her, they argued about the "victim's disinterest," police said. The next morning, Uygun repeatedly tried to snuggle with the boyfriend -- then allegedly took it up a notch, grabbing his chest hair, scratching his face, biting him on the forehead and breaking his phone. She was arrested for domestic battery, and a judge ordered her to have no contact with her cuddle-resistant boyfriend. [Smoking Gun, 7/1/2024]

Ewwwww!

Residents of Pomfret, Connecticut, ended their day on a crappy note on June 25, WVIT-TV reported. That evening, a manure truck rolled over in an intersection, hitting another car and spilling its stinky load. "It was literally a waterfall of brown," said Ann Bedard, whose house lies at the intersection where the crash occurred. "It just flooded down our property." Workers cleaned up the several inches of manure; the truck also spilled fuel and hydraulic fluid, but the fire department declared no immediate safety threat and said the water was safe to use. [WVIT, 6/27/2024]

New World Order

A two-person crew from DroneUp, a commercial drone services company that is partnering with Walmart in Florida, was demonstrating the delivery service on June 26 in The Overlook at Lake Louisa in Lake County, Florida, when they heard a loud pop, ClickOrlando reported. They believed what they heard was a gunshot, so the crew and the drone high-tailed it back to Walmart, where deputies met them. The drone had a bullet hole in its payload area; officers returned to the neighborhood, where they discovered 72-year-old Dennis Winn. Winn told them he had been working on his swimming pool pump when the drone flew over; he shot it with a 9mm handgun because he suspected drones had been surveilling him in the past. As he was arrested, he shouted to a neighbor that he was being taken into custody for shooting a drone. Winn faces multiple charges; the drone sustained about $2,500 in damage. [ClickOrlando, 6/27/2024]

Crime Report

Outside the Holy Family Roman Catholic Church in Queens, New York, on June 30, surveillance video captured an SUV taxi driving up, parking and disgorging the driver around 5:30 a.m., the New York Post reported. The man was then seen removing a shoe and using it to batter statues of Mary and Joseph, which were unharmed, before turning his footwear on a child Jesus statue and decapitating it. The vandal returned to his car, shoe in hand, and drove away. Father Sean Suckiel said the statue, which "holds special meaning to many in our parish," had stood at the church for 42 years, and repairing it will cost $20,000. [NY Post, 7/1/2024]

Democracy in Action

The 8th House District in Eugene, Oregon, held a primary election in late June, with two contenders, Lisa Fragala and Doyle Canning, receiving the same number of votes (seven), the Oregon Capital Chronicle reported. Both are Democrats, but since there was no Republican candidate in the race, one of them could have claimed the Republican nomination -- theoretically. State law requires that a tie be broken by a roll of the dice or a coin toss, so the deputy election director, Luke Belant, prepared to flip the coin. Canning won the toss, but strangely, she is ineligible under the state's "sore-loser law"; because she lost the Democratic primary, she was unable to accept the nomination of any other party. Therefore, Fragala will be the only person on the ballot in November unless the Republican Party chooses a candidate. "The lesson here for any political party is to field a candidate," Canning said. [Oregon Capital Chronicle, 6/27/2024]

Compelling Explanation

Dontcha hate it when you throw your husband a party and he's just not grateful enough? Kinda makes you want to poison him -- or at least that's how 47-year-old Michelle Peters of Lebanon, Missouri, reacted, according to The Kansas City Star. On June 24, Peters was held for questioning by the Laclede County Sheriff's Office after her husband notified police that he became "afraid for his life" after noticing that the Mountain Dew in the garage fridge "tasted weird" and he started experiencing sore throat, vomiting and "coughing up brown/yellow thick mucus," authorities said. He looked at video footage from his garage and saw his wife take the soda bottle and a Roundup bottle into the house. Peters initially told officers that she mixed the liquids "to use as a weed killer that she saw on Pinterest," but eventually confessed, saying she "was mad ... because she had thrown him a 50th birthday and he was not appreciative," police said. She was charged with first-degree assault and armed criminal action. [KC Star, 6/26/2024]

But Was It Unhappy?

In the apparent first case of robotic suicide, an administrative officer robot at Gumi City Council in South Korea threw itself down a 6 1/2-foot-long flight of steps, France24 reported on June 26. Witnesses saw the robot, which could travel between floors on the elevator and had its own civil servant officer badge, "circling in one spot as if something was there" before the fall, but it wasn't clear what caused the mishap. "It was ... one of us," an official said. "It worked diligently." [France24, 6/26/2024]

Low Expectations

On July 29, Michael Patrick Fleming, 41, entered the Chase bank branch in Lady Lake, Florida, and handed the teller a withdrawal slip, The Smoking Gun reported. Fleming did not have an account at the bank and requested just 1 cent; he later told officers his plan was to get the penny, then "sit in the chair and wait for law enforcement." His goal was to be arrested -- and it worked. Fleming was charged with felony robbery and held on $5,000 bond. [The Smoking Gun, 7/3/2024]