Early on Nov. 4, a British tourist made an alarming entrance at an internet cafe near his hotel in Pattaya, Thailand, Metro News reported. First, staff at the Freelancer Hotel heard groans and banging coming from his room -- which wasn't necessarily unusual in the red-light district. But then the 51-year-old man fell from a balcony and through the ceiling of the adjacent cafe, with just his naked legs showing to about 20 patrons below. As onlookers called for help, they realized the nude man was covered in excrement; he was taken to a hospital to sober up and address his minor injuries. Police checking out his hotel room found feces smeared on the floor: "We have some ideas about what he was doing in the room to make it so dirty but there was nothing illegal," officials said. "He will have to speak with the hotel to negotiate the bill." [Metro News, 11/4/2024]

It's Come to This

We all know that Amazon has EVERYTHING, which apparently now includes ready-to-assemble homes, the Mirror reported on Nov. 5. Content creator Nathan Graham ordered the compact home, which showed up in the signature smiley-arrow box. He spent about $39,000, which included a bathroom, kitchen, windows and furniture. The metal home just needed to be unfolded and snapped into place to be livable. "This thing is so easy to build," Graham said. But another customer was less impressed -- at only 5-feet-8, he said he could touch the ceilings. "I'm actually going to Airbnb it," he said. Just to short people? [Mirror, 11/5/2024]

Awwwww!

Perhaps it was wedding day jitters for father of the bride Neil Crossley, 60, People magazine reported on Nov. 5. As Crossley sped down the aisle in Yorkshire, England, and arrived at the altar, he realized something was missing: his daughter, the bride. "It was just pure miscommunication between my dad and the staff," Amy Totty, the bride, said. A staff member followed him down the aisle and guided him back to his daughter as the congregation and family had a good laugh. "It was a special moment none of us will forget," Totty said. [People, 11/5/2024]

Bright Idea

Even the Trevi Fountain needs occasional repairs and upkeep, but what about all those coins tourists toss in to ensure a return trip to Rome? Someone had the bright idea to build a temporary pool to receive the coins, CNN reported on Nov. 5, but its position behind a tall fence covered in plastic is problematic -- many hopeful tossers simply miss. The fountain nets about $1.6 million a year, which is donated to a Catholic charity called Caritas. Italians aren't loving the temporary pool, either. One called it "The saddest thing I've seen in Italy in as long as I can remember." Work is expected to be complete in September 2025. [CNN, 11/5/2024]

The Passing Parade

A resort in the Philippines has unveiled its new 15-room hotel, which businessman Ricardo Cano Gwapo Tan said he wanted to have a "wow factor that can really leave a footprint of admiration to the public," United Press International reported on Nov. 5. The building is shaped like a rooster -- in fact, it's the world's largest building in the shape of a chicken, according to Guinness World Records, at 114 feet, 7 inches tall. Tan said the rooster's shape is a tribute to the local culture. "It looks calm and commanding, imposing and strong, which reflects the attitude of our people," he said. [UPI, 11/5/2024]

Irony

William Hoesch, 71, filed a lawsuit on Oct. 24 against Columbia River (Oregon) Fire & Rescue, the New York Post reported. Hoesch alleges that in October 2022, as he rode his bike through Rainier, an ambulance slammed into him, breaking his nose and destroying his bike, then billed him nearly $2,000 for the ride to the hospital. The driver, who was moving at less than 10 mph, heard a thump and then rushed the biker to the hospital. Hoesch also incurred about $100,000 in medical expenses and suffers from permanent injuries such as “decreased range of motion” and “reduced grip.” He is seeking almost $1 million for pain and suffering, along with coverage of his medical bills. [NY Post, 11/6/2024]

Ewwwww!

In October in Sydney, Australia, beachgoers were confronted with mysterious black balls that had washed up on the beaches, CNN reported. Authorities closed the beaches and assumed the balls were unrefined oil from a spill. Now, scientists at the University of New South Wales have discovered what exactly the balls are -- and it's not pretty. The orbs are mini "fatbergs" -- human feces, methamphetamine, human hair, fatty acids and food waste, among other gross ingredients. "They smell worse than anything you've ever smelt," said lead investigator Jon Beves. The EPA guesses that the bergs came from "a source that releases mixed waste," but "testing has not been able to confirm their exact origin." Bleh. [CNN, 11/7/2024]

Recent Alarming Headline

Phi-le Dinh Nguyen, 46, was arrested on Oct. 23 after a violent attack on his Katy, Texas, neighbor, KHOU-TV reported. Jackie Gray said her surveillance camera picked up Nguyen pouring gasoline on the outside of her house and setting it on fire. "I came out, I confront him about it, he admitted it and then after he thinks my home was going to burn down ... he tried to come back, you know, with a sword to attack me," Gray said. Nguyen also allegedly threatened a Harris County deputy with the sword before he was tased. Other neighbors said they've had run-ins with Nguyen too. He was charged with arson and aggravated assault and held on $200,000 bond. [KHOU, 10/29/2024]

Latest Religious Message

Devotees at the Shri Banke Bihari Mandir temple in Uttar Pradesh rushed to collect water dripping from an elephant-shaped spout on the wall on Nov. 3, believing it to be Charan Amrit, or holy water from the feet of Lord Krishna. Alas, News18 reported, it was merely condensation from an air conditioning system in the temple. Some people caught the water in their hands or placed it on their heads. Even when confronted with the truth, devotees merely smiled and continued collecting the water. [News18, 11/4/2024]

News You Can Use

-- If you're in the Lowcountry, exercise extreme caution. On Nov. 6, 43 female monkeys escaped from the Alpha Genesis Primate Research Center in Yemassee, South Carolina, The Post and Courier reported. The monkeys are bred and sold for medical testing and research; the facility houses about 6,700 animals. The company, along with police, are searching with thermal imaging cameras and setting traps. While police say the monkeys pose no threat or health risk to people, they advise residents to "keep doors and windows securely closed." "Just don't try to take these things home or pet them," said police Chief Gregory Alexander. "That's a felony because they don't belong to you." [Post and Courier, 11/6/2024]

-- Mourning the end of your vacation? Not to worry! ItalyCommunica is bottling (or canning) the AIR from Lake Como in northern Italy, CNN reported, and selling it for $11. Each can allegedly contains 400 milliliters of "100% authentic air" that tourists can open at home and then repurpose the can as a souvenir pen holder. "It's not a product, it's a tangible memory that you carry in your heart," said marketing specialist Davide Abagnale. It's "something original, fun and even provocative," he added -- and it fits in your carry-on! [CNN, 11/4/2024]

The Colorado Supreme Court in Boulder was the setting on Oct. 24 for a showdown between justices and five elephants, the Associated Press reported. The elephants -- Missy, Kimba, Lucky, LouLou and Jambo -- live at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs. But the NonHuman Rights Project believes the pachyderms should be able to dispute their detention there because they were born in the wild in Africa and are now showing signs of brain damage, such as rocking, which signals distress. The organization wants them to be moved to an accredited elephant sanctuary. The justices were moved by the story but skeptical: "How do I know when it stops?" asked Justice Melissa Hart, who was worried about pet emancipation. The zoo's attorney wasn't having it: "This court, no court is the proper venue for what they're trying to accomplish," he said. [AP, 10/24/2024]

The Continuing Crisis

There's a metaphor for our times in here somewhere ... In the wee hours of Oct. 21, 39-year-old Adam Sotzen showed up at his mother's house in North Liberty, Iowa, The Smoking Gun reported. Sotzen, whose rap sheet is lengthy, was allegedly intoxicated and yelled at his mother while destroying property inside the house, police said, then shoved her to the ground. She was able to move to a recliner chair, where Sotzen approached her with a 3-by-5-foot American flag that he had stolen from a nearby home. Twisting the flag into a rope, Sotzen began choking her while threatening to kill her; she fell to the floor, and Sotzen continued strangling her until her boyfriend tried to intervene. The mother said her 6-foot-3, 230-pound son was "capable of killing her" and used a lot of force while strangling her. Sotzen was charged with assault with intent to inflict serious injury and harassment and held on $30,000. [The Smoking Gun, 10/23/2024]

Spooky!

-- When Joshua Dairen and his wife, Keema Miller, bought a coffee shop in Opelika, Alabama, in early 2023, they might not have expected to experience paranormal phenomena -- but the soldier ghost who frequents the place didn't know that. Metro News reported that Dairen hears "rustling" noises from the back office when he's in the shop alone, and on Sept. 24, the barista saw a "soldier" walking toward them before disappearing. Dairen believes the shop is haunted by someone who died in the Civil War. "I have seen unexplained boot prints on the floor," he said. "Nobody in our shop has ever worn combat boots." Dairen looked back into the town's history and found that many soldiers lost their lives in a raid on Confederate supply depots there. "Luckily, nothing has presented itself as threatening toward us," Dairen said. [Metro News, 10/25/2024]

-- English Heritage, a charity that oversees many historic properties, revealed that Gainsborough Old Hall in Lincolnshire, England, houses a "staggering array" of witches' marks and curses carved into the walls. The Guardian reported on Oct. 29 that volunteer Rick Berry found and mapped about 20 ritual protection marks, believed to repel evil. Berry also discovered daisy wheels and hexafoils, thought to trap demons, and overlapping letter V's, which called on the Virgin Mary for protection. "The Old Hall has undoubtedly had a tumultuous past," said Kevin Booth, English Heritage's head of collections. "Why it's the scene of quite such a high concentration of protective carvings remains a mystery." [Guardian, 10/29/2024]

Latest Religious Message

Attendees of the Lucca Comics and Games conference in Italy this week are getting a first look at the new mascot for the Vatican’s 2025 jubilee, the Catholic News Agency reported. The church declares a jubilee, or a year of grace and pilgrimage, every 10 to 50 years. This year’s new addition is Luce, a cartoon figure a la Olympics mascots, who the church hopes will help engage with “the pop culture so beloved by our young people.” Luce (which means “light” in Italian) and her “pilgrim friends” are promoting “the theme of hope, which is more central than ever to the evangelical message,” said Archbishop Rino Fisichella. [Catholic News Agency, 10/28/2024]

But Why?

Mary Kay Bower, 42, of St. Paul, Minnesota, was arrested on Oct. 19 for rustling and livestock theft, which is a felony, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune reported. Officers were alerted to Bower when she and a man were seen walking a sheep and a dog on leashes. Bower told them that she purchased the sheep for $200, but her companion ratted her out: He said she stepped over a farm fence, put a leash on the sheep and pulled it out through the fence. When police checked with the farm owner, they found out that Bower had not paid for the animal, a breeding hair ram worth about $500. Bower's tattoo might have given her away: She has a sheep inked on her left cheek. [Star-Tribune, 10/24/2024]

Oops

On Oct. 24, emergency officials in Stoughton, Wisconsin, contacted the county public health agency after transporting five people with "possible food-borne illness exposure," The New York Times reported. The common denominator? Famous Yeti's Pizza -- but it wasn't tainted onions or bad cheese that sickened patrons. On Oct. 22, a worker at Yeti's ran out of oil while making pizzas, so he visited a shared industrial kitchen nearby. The oil he grabbed was from "food-grade hemp" and contained Delta-9 cannabis, or THC -- the active ingredient in marijuana. "The oil can be used to make everything from cookies to condiments," the health department said. Famous Yeti's served "60 contaminated pizzas," prompting "dozens of reports" of sickness. The restaurant closed for deep cleaning on Oct. 25. [NY Times, 10/29/2024]

Creme de la Weird

A 107-year-old Chinese woman named Chen has become a social media star, the New York Post reported on Oct. 29, because of an unusual facial feature -- a 4-inch-long horn growing out of her forehead. Some viewers think the growth is responsible for Chen's advanced age and are calling it a "longevity horn." Doctors, however, say it's a cutaneous horn, which is often associated with prolonged sun exposure. Nevertheless, Chen remains in good health and eats heartily, and she has no intention of having the horn removed. [NY Post, 10/29/2024]

The Passing Parade

Social media influencers are on the move and extending their "influence" to even the most mundane of travel experiences: putting items in a bin for the TSA conveyor. Reader's Digest reported on Oct. 28 that people are curating their travel bins -- arranging everything just so, then taking photos to post on the socials -- and getting reactions such as "i would buy prints of these!" and "your shoes omg." A TSA spokesperson responded: "As long as the staged glamour photos are not causing delays or issues with other passengers in the checkpoint, there are no issues." [Reader's Digest, 10/28/2024]

Awesome!

Calcea Johnson and Ne'Kiya Jackson, then students at St. Mary's Academy in New Orleans, just hoped to win the $500 prize when their teacher challenged them to create a new proof for the Pythagorean theorem in 2022, NOLA.com reported on Oct. 29. In March 2023, they submitted their work to the American Mathematical Society conference, and "it went well, and it blew up," said Jackson. They were rewarded with a commendation from the Louisiana governor and keys to the city, and their findings were published in American Mathematical Monthly. Since they submitted their proof, they believe they've come up with nine other proofs. Jackson is now studying pharmacology at Xavier University, and Johnson is pursuing environmental engineering at Louisiana State University. [NOLA.com, 10/29/2024]

If the waiting list isn't too long, you may still have a chance to visit McKamey Manor in Summertown, Tennessee, an "immersive horror" experience that is personalized to each guest and involves a six-hour-long tour. People magazine reported on Oct. 8 that guests are required to sign a 40-page waiver and must be over 21; in addition, they may have to complete a "sports physical" and provide proof of medical insurance before arriving. "We're known for no quitting and no safe word," said owner and Navy veteran Russ McKamey. "Your hair may be chopped off, dentistry may be done, you may have a tooth extracted." McKamey was arrested in July for second-degree attempted murder, rape and domestic violence after an incident with his girlfriend, but the charges were dropped in September, and McKamey Manor is up and running. [People, 10/8/2024]

What's in a Name?

Hades Funeral Services in Stalowa Wola, Poland, had to apologize after a mishap with a corpse on Oct. 19, the Associated Press reported. "As a result of an unexpected technical failure of the electric tailgate lock in the hearse," the company announced, "during the transport of the body of the deceased, an unfortunate event occurred" -- that is, the corpse came flying out the back of the car and landed in a crosswalk. The accident "does not reflect the high standards of our company ... and the respect we always show to the deceased," Hades claimed. [AP, 10/19/2024]

The Way the World Works

Stop that hugging! Travelers leaving the New Zealand city of Dunedin better say their goodbyes at home, the Associated Press reported on Oct. 22. The airport's drop-off area will now restrict parting hugs to three minutes in an effort to prevent traffic jams. Airport CEO Dan De Bono said officials hope to "keep things moving smoothly." Not all travelers were accepting of the time limit, saying the rule "breached basic human rights." But, De Bono assured them, "We do not have hug police." [AP, 10/22/2024]

Suspicions Confirmed

Nope, that wasn't Parmesan cheese to sprinkle on your pizza. Police in Dusseldorf, Germany, uncovered a drug ring after busting a pizzeria manager who was selling a popular "No. 40" pie, which was delivered with a side of cocaine, the Associated Press reported on Oct. 22. As officers buzzed the apartment of the manager, he threw a bag of cocaine, cannabis and money out the window, which landed in the officers' hands. After the manager was released, he went right back to delivering No. 40, and that's when investigators uncovered the supply chain, arresting three suspects and raiding the homes of 12 others. Pizza man is back in custody. [AP, 10/22/2024]

Fetish Afoot

A 28-year-old Greek man was arrested on Oct. 8 in Sindos, Greece, after a neighbor reported that he was in the front yard, sniffing his family's shoes, which had been left outside to air out. The Associated Press reported that the sniffer told the court that he couldn't explain his behavior and was embarrassed about it, stressing that he had no intention of hurting anyone. On Oct. 17, the judge sentenced him to a month in prison and mandatory therapy. [AP, 10/17/2024]

It's a Mystery

Scientists in Canada are trying to figure out what the white blobs are that are washing up on Newfoundland beaches. The masses range in size from a coin to a dinner plate, United Press International reported, and started appearing in September. Officials said the mystery substance is under investigation, and opinions are split about whether it could be coming from a whale. "An answer would be nice," groused resident Dave McGrath. [UPI, 10/17/2024]

Speaking of Whales ...

The orca show audience at SeaWorld San Antonio on Oct. 12 was treated to a little something extra when the whale defecated in the pool, then splashed the soiled water onto spectators, United Press International reported. The crowd and employees were hit with the poopy water; SeaWorld has not commented. [UPI, 10/22/2024]

News That Sounds Like a Joke

-- Is today April 1? The Campbell’s Co. announced on Oct. 23 that for a limited time, it is changing the name of its popular Pepperidge Farm cheese snacks from Goldfish to ... Chilean Sea Bass. CNN reported that the switch is part of a strategy to attract adult fans, and the crackers themselves will not change. “We know Goldfish are ... loved by snackers of all ages. ... We went ahead and gave our iconic cheddar cracker a new, fun, grown-up name,” said Danielle Brown, vice president of Goldfish. (Best job title ever.) [CNN, 10/23/2024]

-- In Chestertown, Maryland, students have been studying since 1782 at Washington College, WTOP-TV reported. Our first president gave permission for his name to be used for the school, and even contributed 50 guinea coins toward its founding. But on Oct. 8, the college announced that it would update its logo, adopted in 2013, which uses the general's scripty signature, for something less cursive-y. "Because cursive writing is no longer taught universally in K-12 education, the script ... was difficult to read and not immediately recognizable for many prospective students," said Brian Speer, the college's vice president for marketing and communications. [WTOP, 10/23/2024]

Weird in the Wild

Matilda Campbell was visiting the Hunter Valley on Oct. 12 in New South Wales when she dropped her phone into a 3-meter crevice between two boulders, The Guardian reported. Instead of waving goodbye and heading to the mobile store, Campbell tried to retrieve the device. That's when she slipped upside down into the gap and hung there for seven hours as her friends and emergency workers tried to free her. The team navigated Campbell through a "tight S bend." "In my 10 years as a rescue paramedic, I had never encountered a job quite like this," said Peter Watts. "It was challenging but incredibly rewarding." Campbell, in her early 20s, escaped with only minor scratches and bruises. Her phone is a goner. [Guardian, 10/22/2024]

Government in Action

After an adult man injured himself on a cactus in a school building in Plettenberg, Germany. Mayor Ulrich Schulte and the town council have banned cacti from all municipal buildings, schools and nurseries, Sky News reported on Oct. 16. "All official and private cacti must be removed," Schulte proclaimed, because such plants can cause "ugly injuries." "Even if this order seems adventurous, superfluous or ridiculous to some employees, it has a serious background in terms of protecting the health of all employees and especially children," he said. [Sky News, 10/16/2024]

Redneck Chronicles

Ernest T. Bass has nothing on Roy Clowder, 37, of Coden, Alabama. On Oct. 11, WALA-TV reported, Clowder, who was already on probation, allegedly approached a woman who had stopped at a convenience store and asked her for a ride home. She agreed to take him, but he displayed a gun and told her to move to the passenger seat. Clowder took her to a local church, where he and the woman had a "makeshift wedding" on the church steps. They returned to the car, where Clowder assaulted her while driving around Mobile County; he eventually released her and her car. Authorities arrested Clowder the next day, charging him with first-degree sexual abuse, first-degree kidnapping and first-degree robbery. He's being held without bond. [WALA, 10/16/2024]