Focus on the Family

QUESTION: My husband drinks excessively. Aside from getting help for my family, what should I do specifically for him? How on earth am I going to get him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or some similar treatment program? He is deep in denial, and I'm not even sure he's thinking right now. He couldn't make a rational decision to save his life. How am I going to get him to cooperate?

DR. DOBSON: You're right about the difficulties you face. Begging won't accomplish anything, and your husband will be dead before he admits he has a problem. Indeed, thousands die each year while denying that they are alcoholics. That's why Al-Anon teaches family members how to confront in love. They learn how to remove the support systems that prop up the disease and permit it to thrive. They are shown how and when to impose ultimatums that force the alcoholic to admit his or her need for help. And sometimes they recommend separation until the victim is so miserable that his or her denial will no longer hold up. In essence, Al-Anon teaches its own version of the "love must be tough" philosophy to family members who must implement it.

I asked one recovered alcoholic I know if he was forced to attend Alcoholics Anonymous -- the program that put him on the road to recovery. He said:

"Let me put it this way. No one goes to A.A. just because they've nothing better to do that evening. Everyone there has been forced to attend initially. You just don't say, 'On Monday night we watched a football game, and on Tuesday we went to the movies. So what will we do on Wednesday? How about going over to an A.A. meeting?' It doesn't work that way. Yes -- I was forced -- forced by my own misery. Pauline allowed me to be miserable for my own good. It was loving duress that moved me to attend."

Though it may sound easy to achieve, the loving confrontation that brought Bob to his senses was a delicate maneuver. I must reemphasize that families should not attempt to implement it on their own initiative. Without the training and assistance of professional support groups, the encounter could degenerate into a hateful, vindictive, name-calling battle that would serve only to solidify the drinker's position.

Al-Anon Family Groups and Alcoholics Anonymous are both listed in local phone books. Also to be found there is a number of the Council on Alcoholism, which can provide further guidance. For teenagers of an alcoholic parent, there is Alateen. Teens can go there and share without their parents' permission or knowledge, and it's free.

QUESTION: Children seem to be growing up at a younger age today than in the past. Is this true, and if so, what accounts for their faster development?

DR. DOBSON: Yes, it is true. Statistical records indicate that our children are growing taller today than in the past, probably resulting from better nutrition, medicine, exercise, rest and recreation. And this more ideal physical environment has apparently caused sexual maturity to occur at younger and younger ages. It is thought that puberty in a particular child is triggered when he or she reaches a certain level of growth; therefore, when environmental and general health factors propel a youngster upward at a faster rate, sexual maturation occurs earlier.

QUESTION: I have heard you say that we have shamefully mismanaged the present generation of children. Explain what you meant by that.

DR. DOBSON: I was referring to the many harmful influences that previous generations didn't have to confront -- at least not to the degree that we see today. That includes safe-sex ideology and violence and sexual imagery in movies, rock music and television; it refers to gang activity and drug abuse, and many other dangerous aspects of the culture. I was speaking also about the extreme emphasis on physical attractiveness and body consciousness in Western nations that is having a terrible impact on children. It can even be life-threatening to them.

A study done at the University of California showed that 80 percent of girls in the fourth grade have attempted to diet because they see themselves as fat. One elementary school girl justified her dieting by saying she just wanted to be skinny so that no one would tease her. How sad it is that children in this culture have been taught to hate their bodies -- to measure their worth by comparison to a standard that they can never achieve. At a time when they should be busy being kids, they're worried about how much they weigh, how they look, and how they're seen by others.

For young girls this insistence on being thin is magnified by the cruelties of childhood. Dozens of studies now show that overweight children are held in low regard by their peers, even at an early age. According to one investigation, silhouettes of obese children were described by six-year-olds as "lazy," "stupid" and "ugly."

This overemphasis on beauty does not occur in a vacuum, of course. Our children have caught our prejudices and our system of values. We, too, measure human worth largely on a scale of physical attractiveness. It's bad enough when adults evaluate each other that way. It's tragic when millions of children have already concluded that they're hopelessly flawed, even before life has gotten started.

We must take the blame for the many pressures on today's kids. Fifty years ago, parents and other adults acted in concert to protect kids -- from pornography, from sexual abuse, from harmful ideas and from dangerous substances. Millions of husbands and wives stayed together "for the benefit of the children." It was understood that tender minds and bodies needed to be shielded from that which could hurt them. But now, child abuse, date rape and sexually transmitted disease are rampant. As the family unravels and as adults become more self-centered and preoccupied, children are often left to fend for themselves in a very dangerous world. It may be our greatest failing as a people.

QUESTION: I find I'm more likely to say no to my children than to say yes, even when I don't feel strongly about the permission they are seeking. I wonder why I automatically respond so negatively.

DR. DOBSON: It is easy to fall into the habit of saying no to our kids.

"No, you can't go outside."

"No, you can't have a cookie."

"No, you can't use the telephone."

"No, you can't spend the night with a friend."

We could have answered affirmatively to all of these requests, but we chose almost automatically to respond in the negative. Why? Because we didn't take time to stop and think about the consequences; because the activity could cause us more work or strain; because there could be danger in the request; because our children ask for a thousand favors a day and we find it convenient to refuse them all.

QUESTION: Should a parent try to force a child to eat?

DR. DOBSON: No. In fact, the dinner table is one potential battlefield where a parent can easily get ambushed. You can't win there! A strong-willed child is like a good military general who constantly seeks an advantageous place to take on the enemy. He need look no farther than the dinner table. Of all the common points of conflict between generations -- bedtime, hair, clothes, schoolwork, etc. -- the advantages in a food fight are all in the child's favor! Three times a day, a very tiny youngster can simply refuse to open his mouth. No amount of coercing can make him eat what he doesn't want to eat.

I remember one three-year-old who was determined not to eat his green peas, despite the insistence of his father that the squishy little vegetables were going down. It was a classic confrontation between the irresistible force and an immovable object. Neither would yield. After an hour of haranguing, threatening, cajoling and sweating, the father had not achieved his goal. The tearful toddler sat with a forkload of peas pointed ominously at his sealed lips.

Finally, through sheer intimidation, the dad managed to get one bite of peas in place. But the lad wouldn't swallow them. I don't know everything that went on afterward, but the mother told me they had no choice but to put the child to bed with the peas still in his mouth. They were amazed at the strength of his will.

The next morning, the mother found a little pile of mushy peas where they had been expelled at the foot of the bed! Score one for Junior, none for Dad. Tell me in what other arena a thirty-pound child could whip a grown man!

Not every toddler is this tough, of course. But many of them will gladly do battle over food. It is their ideal power game. Talk to any experienced parent or grandparent and they will tell you this is true. The sad thing is that these conflicts are unnecessary. Children will eat as much as they need if you keep them from indulging in the wrong stuff. They will not starve. I promise!

The way to deal with a poor eater is to set good food before him. If he claims to not be hungry, wrap the plate, put it in the refrigerator and send him cheerfully on his way. He'll be back in a few hours. God has put a funny little feeling in his tummy that says, "Gimme food!" When this occurs, do not put sweets, snacks or confectionery food in front of him. Simply retrieve the earlier meal, warm it up, and serve it again. If he protests, send him out to play again. Even if twelve hours or more go by, continue this procedure until food -- all food -- begins to look and smell wonderful. From that time forward, the battle over the dinner table should be history.

QUESTION: Does the middle child really have greater adaptive problems than his or her siblings?