QUESTION: My daughter has some of the symptoms commonly associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but she is a very quiet child. Are some ADHD kids withdrawn and sedate?

DR. DOBSON: Yes. ADHD is not always associated with hyperactivity, especially in girls. Some of them are "dreamy" and detached. Regrettably, they are sometimes called "airheads" or "space cadets". Such a child can sit looking at a book for forty-five minutes without reading a word. One teacher told me about a girl in her class who would lose every article of clothing that wasn't hooked to her body. Nearly every day, the teacher would send this child back to the playground to retrieve her sweater or coat, only to have her return fifteen minutes later without it. She had forgotten what she went after. A boy or girl with that kind of distractibility would find it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get home night after night with books and assignments written down, and then to complete the work and return it in the next morning.

Frankly, the "faraway" child worries me more than the one who is excessively active. She may be seen as a good little girl who just isn't very bright, while the troublemaker is more likely to get the help he needs. He's too irritating to ignore.

Those who are and are not hyperactive have one characteristic in common. It is distractibility. Even though they flit from one thing to another, the name attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is not quite on target. It's better than the old term ("minimal brain damage"), but there is also misinformation in the current designation. The problem is not that these children have a short attention span. At times, they can become lost in something that greatly interests them to the point that they aren't aware of anything going on around them. Instead, they have an insatiable need for mental stimulation during every waking moment. The moment they become bored with what they are doing, they dash off in search of the next exciting possibility.

One father told me about his four-year-old son with ADHD. He said, "If you let that kid get bored, you deserve what he's going to do to you." That applies to millions of children.

QUESTION: What are the special needs of a compliant kid -- one that goes along to get along? Does he have any special needs?

DR. DOBSON: That's a great question, and the answer is yes. When one child is a stick of dynamite and the other is an all-star sweetheart, the cooperative, gentle individual can easily be taken for granted. If there's an unpleasant job to be done, he may be expected to do it because Mom and Dad just don't have the energy to fight with the tiger. When it is necessary for one child to sacrifice or do without, there's a tendency to pick the one who won't complain as loudly. Under these circumstances, the compliant boy or girl comes out on the short end of the stick.

The consequences of such inequity should be obvious. The responsible child often becomes angry over time. He has a sense of powerlessness and resentment that simmers below the surface. He's like the older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son told by Jesus. He didn't rebel against his father. He stayed behind and ran the farm while his irresponsible brother squandered his money on fun and games. Who could blame him for resenting little bro? His response is typical of the compliant, hardworking sibling.

I strongly recommend that parents seek to balance the scales in dealing with the compliant child. Make sure he gets his fair share of parental attention. Help him find ways to cope with his overbearing sibling. And, within reason, give him the right to make his own decisions.

QUESTION: We have a one-year-old daughter and we want to raise her right. I've heard that parents can increase the mental abilities of their children if they stimulate them properly during the early years. Is this accurate, and if so, how can I accomplish this with my baby?

DR. DOBSON: Research has shown that parents can, indeed, increase the intellectual capability of their children. This conclusion was first reached through the renowned Harvard University Preschool Project. A team of researchers led by Dr. Burton White studied young children aged eight to eighteen months over a ten-year period, hoping to discover which experiences in the early years of life contribute to the development of healthy, intelligent human beings. The results of this important study are summarized below.

a. It is increasingly clear that the origins of human competence are to be found in a critical period of development between eight and eighteen months of age. The child's experiences during these brief months do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.

b. The single most important environmental factor in the life of the child is his or her mother. "She is on the hook," said Dr. White, and exercises more influence on her child's experiences than any other person or circumstance.

c. The amount of live language directed to a child (not to be confused with television, radio or overheard conversations) is vital to his or her development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual and social skills. The researchers concluded, "Providing a rich social life for a twelve- to fifteen-month-old child is the best thing you can do to guarantee a good mind."

d. Those children who were given free access to living areas of their homes progressed much faster than those whose movements were restricted.

e. The nuclear family is the most important educational delivery system. If we are going to produce capable, healthy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.

f. The best parents were those who excelled at three key functions:

1. They were superb designers and organizers of their children's environments.

2. They permitted their children to interrupt them for brief, thirty-second episodes, during which personal consultation, comfort, information and enthusiasm were exchanged.

3. They were firm disciplinarians while simultaneously showing great affection for their children.

Occasionally, information comes along that needs to be filed away for future reference. These findings from the Harvard University Preschool Project are that significant. You will not want to forget these six findings. I believe they hold the keys to raising healthy children.

QUESTION: I have a friend who is a frequent victim of spousal abuse. How would she go about dealing with her husband's problem?

DR. DOBSON: The principles of "Love Must be Tough" offer the best response to an abusive husband. They begin with a recognition that behavior does not change when things are going smoothly. If change is to occur, it usually does so in a crisis situation. Thus, a crisis must be created and managed very carefully.

After moving out and making it clear that the woman has no intention of returning, the ball moves to her husband's court. If he never responds, she never returns. If it takes a year, or five years, then so be it. He has to want her badly enough to face his problem and to reach out to her. When (and if) her husband acknowledges that he has an abusive behavior pattern and promises to deal with it, negotiations can begin.

QUESTION: I'm twenty-two years old and am still living at home. It's driving me nuts. My folks are in my face every day. They want me to get a full-time job 'cause I only work part-time at a convenience store. Why can't they get off my case and leave me alone?

DR. DOBSON: With all respect, I think it's time for you to pack. Many young adults like you continue to hang around the house because they don't know what to do next. That is a recipe for trouble. Your mother and father can't help "parenting" you if you remain under their noses. To them, it seems like only yesterday since you were born. They find it difficult to think of you as an adult.

The way you live probably irritates them, too. They hate your messy room, which would require a tetanus shot just to walk through. They don't like your music. They go to bed early and arise with the sun; you keep the same hours as hamsters. You drive the family car like you've been to Kamikaze Driving School. They want you to get a job -- go to school -- do something. Every day brings a new argument -- a new battle. When things deteriorate to that point, it's time to get out.

QUESTION: I've heard that we forget more than 80 percent of what we learn. When you consider the cost of getting an education, I wonder why we put all that effort into examinations, textbooks, homework and years spent in boring classrooms. Is education really worth what we invest in it?

DR. DOBSON: In fact, it is. There are many valid reasons for learning, even if forgetting will take its usual toll. First, one of the important functions of the learning process is the self-discipline and self-control that it fosters. Good students learn to follow directions, carry out assignments, and channel their mental faculties. Second, even if the facts and concepts can't be recalled, the individual knows they exist and where to find them. He or she can retrieve the information if needed. Third, old learning makes new learning easier. Each mental exercise gives us more associative cues with which to link future ideas and concepts, and we are changed for having been through the process of learning. Fourth, we don't really forget everything that is beyond the reach of our memories. The information is stored in the brain and will return to consciousness when properly stimulated. And fifth, we are shaped by the influence of intelligent and charismatic people who taught us.

I wish there were an easier, more efficient process for shaping human minds than the slow and painful experience of education. But until a "learning pill" is developed, the old-fashioned approach will have to do.

QUESTION: Our fourteen-year-old recently came to my husband and me to say, "I'm pregnant." Nothing has ever upset us more than hearing those words. What should our attitude toward her be now?

DR. DOBSON: Responding to a teenage pregnancy is one of the most difficult trials parents are ever asked to face. When the news breaks, it's reasonable to feel anger at the girl who has brought this humiliation and pain into her life. How dare this kid do something so stupid and hurtful to herself and the entire family!

Once you have caught your breath, however, a more rational and loving response is appropriate. This is no time for recrimination. Your daughter needs your understanding and wisdom now more than ever. She'll face many important decisions in the next few months, and you can't afford to alienate yourselves from her.