Question: I've been dating the same guy for a year, and he's wonderful. We're not ready to get married yet, but we're talking about moving in together. My very traditional parents don't approve. What do you think?

Jim: Listen to your parents, and don't move in together until after you've tied the knot. This isn't about being "old fashioned." Social science research indicates that couples who live together prior to marriage are much more likely to get divorced than those who don't. You and your boyfriend might think that moving in together will help you build a stronger foundation for marriage later. But you'll actually be increasing your chances of ending up in divorce court.

This all has to do with the concept of commitment, which is essential to any marriage. The two of you may be very much in love, but the plain truth is that nothing is set in stone. There is no engagement, no ring, no public profession of your lifelong love. Without these things in place, your living together will mimic marriage in some respects, but it will lack that critical element of commitment.

Generally speaking, men tend to take relationships less seriously -- and view them as temporary -- when marriage vows are not involved. All too often, the woman in a cohabiting relationship ends up getting hurt when the man moves out and moves on. Professor George Akerlof at the University of California, Berkeley put it this way: "Men settle down when they get married. If they fail to get married, they fail to settle down."

Maybe this is true of your boyfriend, and maybe not. The point is that you both need to continue dating and decide whether you'll ever be ready to get married to one another. If and when that happens, you'll have the rest of your lives to spend together under the same roof.

Question: But we're already committed to each other. Is living together really a "death sentence" for the relationship?

Juli: An increasingly common form of "family" in the United States today is a man and woman living together without a wedding ring. So, you are certainly not alone in your consideration of living with your boyfriend as a step toward or even around marriage. In fact, over 50 percent of marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

But remember that just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the best for you. An awful lot of people have cancer, too!

Jim hit the nail on the head here: When you really think about it, cohabitation is giving guys intimacy on their terms. Throughout history, women have naturally longed for the security of a consistent, committed relationship in which to make a home and raise children. Men have been more prone to seek companionship and sexual fulfillment without the responsibilities and limitations that come with marriage. By moving in with your boyfriend, you are taking away any incentive he may have to grow up and make a lifelong commitment to you.

Don't buy the line that living together before marriage will be a good trial run. As Jim noted, cohabiting couples are much more likely to end up divorced. They're also more likely to experience depression, poverty, infidelity and domestic violence.

I know your parents sound old-fashioned and traditional to you, but some traditions persist because they actually work. Marriage is one of them. I'd encourage you not to compromise on this one. If this relationship has the potential to go the distance, don't saddle it with the burdens that come with cohabitation. And if this guy is worthy of committing your life to, he's worth the wait -- and so are you!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

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Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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QUESTION: I don't like the way my son and his wife are raising their kids. I don't want to interfere, but shouldn't I have a say in what's good for my own grandchildren?

Juli: There is an excellent chance that your son and daughter-in-law know that you have some concerns about how they're raising your grandkids. Young parents harbor a lot of doubts of their own and quickly pick up the vibe when a close friend or relative disapproves of their parenting. Your son and his wife are likely to be more defensive and withdrawn from you the more they pick up on your concerns.

Whether or not you realize it, you potentially have a fair amount of influence in their parenting. They may even welcome your perspective and opinion -- but only if they first feel safe with you.

Influence is a tricky thing. When you overreach with it, you lose it. A lot of parents and in-laws are too forceful with their opinions and unsolicited advice. This causes a young couple to distance themselves in order to ward off potential criticism.

Your greatest influence is your presence with your son, his wife and children. Even if you never mention your concerns or offer advice, the way you carry yourself, show unconditional love, and the character you model will leave a tremendous impression.

My encouragement to you is to build a trusting relationship, particularly with your daughter-in-law. Find ways that you can genuinely compliment her as a wife and mother, remembering that motherhood can, at times, be an exhausting marathon. Show her that you care about her as a person, and as difficult as it may be, let go of your concerns for now. The day will come when she is desperate for a word of advice or wisdom. She's far more likely to seek you out if you have built a trusting relationship than if she feels threatened by your disapproval.

QUESTION: My family recently joined a church. My elderly father has no use for religion, and he's trying to convince my kids that they're wasting their time. Should I prevent them from seeing their grandpa?

Jim: We'd advise that you set firm boundaries with your father and make it clear that it's your right and responsibility to oversee your children's spiritual growth. He doesn't have to like the fact that they're attending church with you, but he needs to respect your decision.

At the same time, I can empathize with your desire to maintain a good relationship with him, especially for the sake of your kids. Growing up, I didn't have any grandparents. There's evidence my mom and dad may have been part of the witness protection program (no joke!), and so extended family was nonexistent. I would have loved nothing more than to have someone to call "Grandma" and "Grandpa." With that in mind, it would be tragic if you and your kids were to become estranged from your dad over this issue.

The challenge, then, is to arrive at a point of compromise. Make it clear to your dad that you love and respect him, and that you want your kids to be able to spend quality time with their grandpa. But also make it clear that you need to make your own choices as a parent, and that if he has concerns about your family's spiritual path, he should take them up with you, not the kids. It won't be easy, but with honesty, open communication and respect from both parties, there's no reason your kids can't continue to have a fun and healthy relationship with their grandpa.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: I'm struggling with how to keep my kids motivated throughout the school year. In past years, I've felt like the cheerleader, constantly encouraging them to take school seriously. How can I make this year different?

Juli: Truth be told, many parents are dreading the beginning of a new school year even more than their children for just the reason you mentioned. It takes a lot of energy to motivate kids to stay on top of their work!

One key to starting out the year on a positive note is to begin with realistic and objective goals as a source of motivation. Whereas the right kind of goals can be encouraging, the wrong goals can add to feelings of apathy and failure.

First of all, make sure the goals you help your kids set are realistic. For example, most children are not capable of getting all A's and stop trying when they receive their first subpar grade. So, instead, how about setting the goal of getting a higher math grade than you did last year or turning in your assignments on time?

Secondly, your child's goals should be objective or measurable. Having the goal of "working hard" may sound inspiring, but it will feel like nailing Jell-O to a tree unless there is an objective way of seeing progress.

Finally, remember that not all school goals should be academic. Although grades are important, your child may also need to focus on goals more related to character or social skills.

Whether your children are entering kindergarten or college, help them to create a goal or two and write them down. Younger children may need to have their goals mapped on a sticker chart so they can see their progress.

Your job is to slowly transfer the motivation for doing well to your children. Teaching your kids to set and achieve goals is a great step in the process.

QUESTION: I have a happy, smart and energetic 8-year-old daughter who is struggling with two problems -- she's messy and off-task most of the time. She's a straight-A student, but I constantly have to push her to get ready for school, do her homework and get to bed. It's exhausting! She seems unconcerned and unmotivated, and would rather play than anything else. How can I help her?

Jim: We've actually heard from other parents in your situation. Our first thought is that your daughter could use a good dose of self-discipline. This would not only help her be more efficient in completing her tasks, it would also relieve you of the burden of policing her all the time.

Implementing a system of rewards and reinforcement can help your daughter learn to take responsibility and show initiative. Maybe you can tell her that if she gets herself ready for school for a straight week without having to be constantly monitored, you'll take her out for a milkshake on the weekend. (The occasional milkshake is a great motivator for my boys -- and for me, too!)

She also needs to experience negative consequences. You don't want her to flunk out of school, but if you stop hounding her about her homework and she ends up getting a lower grade as a result of turning in an assignment late, the trauma of that experience might offer just the motivation she needs to stay on top of her schoolwork next time.

Be sure to cut her some slack, too. Some kids are more messy and flighty by nature, and you don't want to change her personality entirely. Just be sure to lavish praise and affirmation on her when things go right. A kind and affirming word from you will likely be the best reward of all.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2010 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.