Q: My wife and I are both divorced and trying to raise a blended family. Is there any advice you can give me on how to help our children bond with our spouse?

Juli: The wedding ceremony may have made you a blended family, but developing those deep bonds of connection takes a lot more time. Ron Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies, offers the best advice that I've ever come across.

He encourages stepparents to be very careful about trying to hard too develop a parent-child relationship. Although stepparents have authority in the home, much like teachers do in a classroom, the affection and connection associated with "Mom" or "Dad" takes a long time to form and may never form. Deal recommends that you let the kids set the pace for the relationship.

Resist the urge to speed up the relationship-building process by buying big gifts or insisting on lots of one-on-one time. Children who are in the midst of adjusting to divorce and remarriage have a lot of mixed feelings and confusion about loyalties and how much to love each adult in their lives. Don't ever try to replace your stepchildren's biological mom or dad or be critical of them. One of the most wonderful things you can do for your stepchildren is give them permission to love all of the adults in their lives.

It is also wise to allow the biological parents to do the majority of the active parenting, like discipline and enforcing consequences. Although both parents are involved in rule setting, the biological parent should do the heavy lifting, particularly early on.

For more tips on thriving as a stepfamily, you will want to check out www.successfulstepfamilies.com.

Q: I thought life would slow down when school ended for the summer, but it seems like our family is running faster than ever. My husband's work schedule is relentless, and I've taken on a part-time job. And we're always running the kids to various summer activities. I don't think they even consider this a "break," and I'm afraid all of the activity is going to have a negative impact on them.

Jim: As parents, it often seems like we're running at a constant sprint. From the minute our feet hit the floor in the morning, it's a race to get to work, get the kids ready, take them to where they need to be, and then start checking off the long list of appointments in our daily planner. And then we do it all again tomorrow.

We live lives of stress, and that can impact our kids. They see us running around in a constant state of panic, and they pick up on it. Many children become stressed themselves in this kind of environment, and will carry that stress into their adult lives.

The American Academy of Pediatrics released a study showing that today's children are much more stressed, busy and even depressed than ever before. The research shows that we aren't giving our kids enough time to simply play and relax. And they're certainly not going to learn how to do it by watching their overcommitted parents.

I'm not suggesting that you neglect your responsibilities. But it would be a good idea to find some creative ways to slow down -- not just during these summer months, but all year. For your own health, as well as that of your kids, make sure that rest and relaxation are a part of your family's routine. Depending on their age, your kids might already be firmly entrenched in the "always running" mentality. It's up to you and your husband to help them reset the pace. We all need a little down time once in a while!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our 22-year-old son is graduating from college this month. He doesn't have a job lined up and has no idea what he's going to do. My husband and I don't know what our role is in this new stage of parenting. Do we let him live at home?

Juli: Your question is a common one. Gone are the days when a college graduate was ready and willing to dive into all of the responsibilities of financial and personal independence. Due to the tough economy, among other factors, most 22-year-olds find themselves in a delayed stage of adolescence. They want the freedom of adulthood, but feel paralyzed by the complexity and pressures that accompany independence. This puts parents, like you, in the awkward position of actively parenting an adult child.

Your ultimate goal is to help your son launch into the full independence of adulthood. If you choose to let him live at home after graduation, don't allow that time to be wasted. Set boundaries and requirements up front that will help him grow toward maturity and responsibility. It is reasonable to expect that he hold down a full-time job and/or pursue additional schooling or training. It may also be wise to set a departure date so that you do not enable him to avoid that next step of independence. Some parents charge their adult children rent for living at home. They put some of the money paid into a savings account that will be seed money for a deposit or down payment on a future living arrangement.

Even more than a roof over his head, your son needs your wisdom and encouragement as he looks toward the future. Help him think long-term about his goals for vocation, family and financial independence. As long as you see him making good decisions, actively moving toward these goals, your help is a good thing.

Q: I was laid off more than a year ago, and I still feel stunned. I don't even know how to look for a job after being steadily employed for six years. How do I get out of this rut?

Jim: Being let go from a job is one of the toughest things a person can face. But consider this: Unemployment also represents a unique opportunity. When you're gainfully employed, all of your time and energy goes into just keeping up. But when you lose your job, suddenly there's time and energy to spare. Most people don't know what to do with it. They become paralyzed with fear, worry and anger. That's a natural reaction, but if it's all they experience while they're unemployed, something is missing.

After a job loss, you're motivated to see clearly and honestly -- perhaps for the first time in years. Your assignment isn't merely to search for financial security in a new job. It's to rediscover who you are.

Use this time to ask yourself some serious questions. "What gifts and talents do I possess that I didn't have a chance to use in my former job? Are there educational opportunities I should explore? What am I learning about myself through this job loss that I didn't know -- or didn't want to know -- before? What do I really want to do with my life?"

Once you're employed again, this window will close. Life will once again be overwhelmed with work responsibilities and day-to-day cares. You won't have "down time" like this again. As hard as it is to lose your job, it's harder to find genuine opportunities to take stock of who you are and where you want to go.

Many people wonder how they get stuck in ruts along the way. Perhaps your job loss is God's way of helping you find a better path.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My spouse and I recently separated. I have no idea what being separated means. When we do get together it's to work out our problems and ends up in a big fight. We're in counseling, but there is no fun in our relationship now that we're separated. What should my expectations be?

Juli: There are two types of separations. In the first type, the couple is, for all intents and purposes, divorced without the stigma and finality of divorce. The second type, called a "therapeutic separation," sounds more like your situation. The purpose of a therapeutic separation is to address marital issues that became too difficult to deal with while living in the same home, with the goal of restoring the marriage.

It's very important for your separation to have a way back to intimacy that is clearly spelled out with your counselor. In other words, what specifically needs to change before you're ready to reunite? You should be working intensely with your counselor on the issues you have identified. Your counselor should advise you regarding whether or not it is safe to have related conversations outside the counseling sessions. Some relationships are still too toxic to talk about the big issues without a mediator.

While you need to have meetings to discuss the deeper issues of your marriage, your counselor may also recommend that you begin to date each other. When you go on dates, the purpose is to learn to have fun again and reconnect in a conflict-free setting. Believe it or not, dating is just as important as counseling to re-establishing feelings of trust and intimacy.

Most importantly, all expectations, including boundaries regarding finances, intimacy and time spent together, need to be clearly spelled out and agreed upon. Otherwise, you'll feel like you're living in "limbo" -- sort of married, sort of not. Don't give up! Some of the strongest of marriages have weathered the waters you're now wading through.

Q: I know I need to spend quality time with my wife and children, but my schedule at the office makes that almost impossible. How can I keep the home fires burning while also being the provider?

Jim: Sadly, long workdays are the norm for many of us. However, authors Mike Yorkey and Greg Johnson have created a list of ways dads can get back some of those overtime hours and devote them to their families.

First, Yorkey and Johnson suggest re-arranging your daily schedule. Have you considered going into work early? Then, you can beat the rush hour traffic for both the morning and evening commutes. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- hours that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, think about skipping a few of those long lunches that we all take with our colleagues. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. Not only will it save you money, it might also give you just enough extra time to make your son's little league game later in the day, or your daughter's piano recital.

Finally, don't be so quick to take a promotion the next time one is offered. If it's going to require even more travel or overtime, it might be worth it just to stay where you are. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

I'm not suggesting that you shirk your responsibilities at the office. But we can't allow our jobs to be all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, I believe busy dads can find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.