Q: My uncle passed away recently and our family attended the funeral. This was my kids' (ages 2 and 4) first real experience with death, and I wasn't sure how to explain it to them. What's the best way to handle this subject with young children?

Jim: Whether it's the loss of a family member or news about another terrorist attack, our kids are going to be confronted with death. Author Candy Arrington has developed some great tips to help kids navigate the grieving process:

1) Teach your kids that death is a part of life. We often avoid this subject to protect our children. But we can use everyday occurrences -- wilting flowers, changing seasons, even the death of a pet -- to help them understand the reality.

2) Be honest, and don't delay sharing the news. Say "Uncle Tommy died last night," not "He's gone away" or "He went to sleep." These phrases lead to confusion and might even cause a child to wonder if he'll die when he goes to sleep!

3) Be ready to answer questions. Some kids are satisfied with the facts, but others will want to know more. Answer to the best of your ability.

4) Recognize your children's fears. Death can be a scary concept. We need to comfort and reassure our children at every opportunity.

5) Don't be afraid to let your kids see you grieve. It's OK to cry in front of them. They need to know that emotional pain is part of losing a loved one.

6) Finally, cherish the memories. Look through photo albums and tell fun stories from the past about your departed loved one.

When death occurs, kids will take their cues from their parents and model their reactions accordingly. It's much better for their emotional and spiritual health to talk about it openly than to sweep it under the rug.

Q: Our daughter is an only child. Due to medical reasons we cannot have any other children. Is there anything we can do to promote social skills, since she will not have siblings to interact with?

Juli: As frustrating as it can be to grow up with siblings (I have five!), they also provide a natural way to learn the basics of human interaction, including sharing, conflict resolution and communication. As an only child, your daughter does not have this automatically built into her home environment. However, there are a few things you can do to intentionally create opportunities for her to build peer relationships.

If you live near extended family, take advantage of that. Cousins can become almost as close as siblings. If there are no children in your family living locally, work hard to develop strong relationships with a few other families who have kids around your daughter's age. Choose families who have a similar philosophy of parenting and morality. Even in the midst of a handful of siblings, I also grew up with a best friend who was like a sister to me. We were constantly over at each other's house. Your daughter will also get exposure to other kids through school, playgroups and extracurricular activities.

The most important thing to remember in raising an only child is to maintain the generational boundary. It is easy to slide into treating an only child as a mini adult. With just three of you at home, the temptation is to become "the three musketeers" in making decisions and doing everything together. As much as you love her, she is not part of your marital unit. You are adults and she is a child. Be intentional about keeping it that way.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My daughter is in elementary school and is extremely shy. So shy that it is affecting her schoolwork and friendships. What can we do to bring her out of this shell?

Juli: Unfortunately, many kids struggle with shyness. According to Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, about 10 to 15 percent of kids in elementary school are very shy. For some, their shyness is a manifestation of a reserved personality trait. For others, shyness is a symptom of anxiety. The fact that your daughter's grades and friendships are being impacted suggests that she is probably in the latter category.

One of the best ways to combat anxiety is to make the world a more predictable place. You can help your daughter with this by role-playing everyday situations like what to do when you meet someone new or when someone teases you at school. You can also work with her teacher and other school staff to make social interactions at school more predictable.

School can be an overwhelming experience for a young child. Your daughter may begin to develop more self-confidence in social situations by interacting with smaller groups of children outside the school setting. Start by inviting over a potential friend for a playdate. It is even better if the friend is a classmate so that the relationship carries over into the classroom environment. You may even want to ask your daughter's teacher for recommendations of what kids in the class would be a good fit for a friend.

If you find that these interventions are not making a difference, it is time to seek help from a qualified professional. Most schools have on-staff counselors who are skilled at handling anxiety-related behavior. Your school or your daughter's pediatrician may also be able to refer you to an expert in your area.

Q: The other day I heard my junior high-aged son and his friend laughing about a classmate who passed out by sniffing an air freshener. I wanted to ask them about it but I thought they were probably just making up stories. Surely they were joking about this?

Jim: Sadly, this has become an all-too-real phenomenon. Even as illegal drugs continue to plague youth culture, some of the most harmful substances to your kids might be sitting right under your own roof.

In 2010, the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration released a study about an increasingly popular youth pastime known as "huffing." This, as you may have surmised from your son's conversation, is when kids attempt to get high by inhaling common household products such as shoe polish, glue and, yes, air fresheners. It sounds absurd, but research shows that more 12-year-olds have used household products to get high than marijuana, cocaine and hallucinogens combined. This is a very real problem.

The use of inhalants can cause a child's heart rate to increase dramatically. In some cases, the end result is cardiac arrest and sudden death. Even for kids who try huffing only once, the risk of serious injury or death is considerable.

I'm not suggesting that you lock up all of your household products. But your son needs to know that this is no laughing matter. As you talk to him about the pitfalls of alcohol abuse and illegal drugs like marijuana, be sure to let him know that "huffing" is a dangerous -- and potentially deadly -- pursuit as well. Help him make smart decisions and stand up to peer pressure. Your active presence in his life is the strongest defense he has against the dead-end road of drug and alcohol abuse.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

QUESTION: My wife has moved out and our communication is strained. Can you give me advice on how I can try to reconcile with her?

Juli: It is difficult to give specific advice without knowing some background about your situation. However, here are some basic principles to consider if you are serious about wanting to win your wife back.

Ask her to clearly communicate what has caused her to leave. She probably feels like she has told you 100 times what the issue is, but have you ever really listened? You will naturally want to be defensive and explain why her complaint is no big deal and how she has done hurtful things to you, too. Now is not the time for that. Don't respond other than to ask clarifying questions. Take home the information she has given you to think and pray about, and perhaps sort through it with a counselor. Take responsibility for your part in the split. Remember that even if your intention was not to hurt her, you have.

The next step is to let her know you are committed for the long haul. Your wife will be skeptical if you make big gestures and commitments to her that don't stand the test of time. If you want to win her back, show her love consistently, even if she doesn't respond right away. If she sets boundaries regarding how much she wants to communicate, respect those. Even so, let her know that you are willing to wait.

A strong marriage is made up of not just the good parts of sharing love, but patience and unrelenting love when a crisis like yours hits.

QUESTION: Our son is very athletic, but I'm afraid he may be overdoing it. He goes out for soccer in the fall and baseball in the spring, and also plays in various summer leagues. He's only a sophomore, but he's already experienced broken arms and numerous sprains. Should we ask him to tone it down?

Jim: I had my share of youthful sports injuries, and I have the scars to prove it. When I was 13, I played a game of catch with an extended family member who also happened to pitch for the California Angels' farm team. One of his fastballs "went wild," as they say, and impacted squarely with the left side of my face. I spent two weeks in the hospital with a broken nose, cheekbone, eye socket, and jaw, and a fractured skull. To this day, the left side of my face is still numb as a result of reconstructive surgery.

By the time I was a senior in high school, football had become my primary passion. But my dreams of gridiron glory ended with a broken collar bone.

A recent study by the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons found that young people are facing more serious sports injuries than ever before: torn ligaments, dislocated shoulders, neck and knee injuries, and strained muscles and joints. We're not talking about the NFL or Major League Baseball here ... this is all from high school sports!

I'm not slamming youth sports. It would be a shame to prohibit your son from participating in athletic activities that he enjoys and in which he clearly excels. But you might encourage him to find a balance between sports and other less physically demanding activities. Rather than being involved in sports year-round, perhaps he can be persuaded to take a season off to pursue the debate team. Remind him that most teens his age feel indestructible. But even though they're young and energetic, teens' bodies need time to rest and recuperate.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.