Focus on the Family

Q: Our 8-year-old son isn't overtly rebellious, but he definitely has "selective hearing." We have to demand that he get ready for bed three or four times, for example. Is it worth waging war to make him comply instantly?

Jim: Yes, it's probably worth "waging war," at least in the long term. If you let him get away with ignoring your instructions, you're probably setting him up for heartache in the future.

Although you might not like to hear it, what you're describing sounds like a case of overly permissive parenting. It might start as a seemingly harmless compromise at bedtime. But the next thing you know, you may find yourself taking up slack for your son in all sorts of areas ... making excuses to his teachers when homework is late, or coddling him when he whines and tries to manipulate you.

Dr. Kevin Leman offers some great advice for parents who tend to be too permissive. First, it's OK to get mean! Not in the sense of screaming or being abusive, of course. But parents need to establish firm rules and expectations, and be willing to administer punishment when those rules aren't followed. Your son will likely see this approach as "mean," but you're actually teaching him respect and self-discipline.

Dr. Leman also suggests that parents not issue warnings to their children. Giving an instruction once is enough. Repeating yourself can send two harmful messages to your son: 1)"Mom and Dad don't really mean what they're saying;" and 2) "Mom and Dad think I'm incompetent because they say everything three or four times."

If you feel you've been too permissive, don't despair. Your son may be shocked at first when you decide to enforce the rules more decisively, but he may just thank you later on for putting those boundaries in place. Employing these simple steps can add a huge measure of peace and sanity to your household, as well.

Q: Our oldest son is 8 years old and was invited to sleep over at a friend's house. I remember sleepovers and slumber parties as a kid, but things have changed since then. My husband says I'm paranoid, but I'm just not comfortable letting my son sleep over at someone else's house. What's your advice?

Juli: My advice is to trust your "mother's instincts." I would be very leery of sleepovers unless you know the child's family very well. Leaving an 8-year-old in the care of another family is not something to take lightly. Does the family share your value system? Will it be a safe environment? Although most sleepovers are nothing more than good, clean fun, you need to be certain that your child would not be at risk. For example, most incidents of childhood sexual abuse are committed by people a child knows, including family members and friends.

Whenever your child goes over to a friend's house for a sleepover or otherwise, be sure he understands appropriate boundaries and knows that he can contact you at any time. Don't shy away from asking the parents questions, like who will be home with the kids, what movies they might watch, and whether they will have access to the Internet. I've turned bright red while asking these questions, but my embarrassment is worth protecting my kids.

More and more families are avoiding the whole issue by adopting a "no sleepover" rule for their kids. Instead, they let their children attend birthday parties but pick them up at night before bedtime. Sure, your son may miss an exciting game of truth-or-dare at midnight, but it is better to be safe than sorry. Unfortunately, in today's environment, a little parental paranoia is warranted.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

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Q: I'm single and have a deep faith and a wonderful family. My problem is that every time I find a wonderful guy and he wants to marry me, I want something more and break it off. What advice can you give me?

Juli: Your situation brings up a very important question about expectations and what constitutes "settling" in marriage. On the one hand, there are certain aspects of a relationship and a potential spouse on which you should never compromise. These include character issues, the quality of your communication and trust, and holding to a similar faith. Frankly, if you have concerns about any of these areas, you probably shouldn't be in a serious dating relationship with that person.

If, on the other hand, the guy you are dating has great character and shares your faith, you have a strong foundation to begin asking the question, "Am I ready to spend the rest of my life with this person?" That's an intimidating question that could cause you to be a little too myopic.

No guy is going to be perfect -- that knight in shining armor. Marriage is about growing and maturing together. Through the commitment of marriage, you learn to love beyond what you receive and embrace through the other's weakness. That's the wonderful beauty of a lifelong love, but it also may be what is keeping you from saying, "Yes." The intimacy of marriage will reveal not only your potential spouse's vulnerability, but yours as well.

You mentioned that you have a wonderful family. You may want to look to them, and to good friends, as sounding boards. Do they say things like, "Wow. He's a great guy. Why did you let that one go?" If so, maybe the problem lies in your own fear of commitment and what marriage may demand of you. If that's not the case, keep looking, growing and praying.

Q: My wife and I have been happily married for three years, but we do have some pretty good arguments. I think it often comes down to simple miscommunication. Other than getting a degree in interpersonal dynamics, is there any way to help diffuse these situations?

Jim: Even the most blissfully in-love couples are going to butt heads. No degree will help you avoid that. Men and women are just wired differently!

That said, Dr. Harold Arnold, a counselor and relationship coach, has developed a great tool to help couples overcome their communication challenges. It's called the G.R.A.C.E. model.

The "G" in G.R.A.C.E. means GIVE your spouse the benefit of the doubt. When conflict arises, keep calm and don't assume your spouse is trying to push your buttons.

"R" means RISK being honest. Dr. Arnold says that without trust, spouses tend to protect themselves by not being vulnerable. As husbands and wives, we need to take the risk of sharing our needs with one another.

The "A" is a reminder to ACCEPT your spouse's feelings at face value. Take time to listen. If your spouse is angry, try to understand why.

Believe it or not, the "C" stands for COMPLAIN. But in this case, it means complain without criticizing. Wives can and should be honest without tearing their husbands down in the process. Similarly, if a husband is frustrated with something his wife is doing, he should say so. But he should do it without resorting to personal attacks.

Finally, the "E" in G.R.A.C.E. stands for EMBRACING your differences. You and your wife will never see everything eye to eye, and that's OK! Opposing viewpoints can actually enhance marriage, rather than tear it down. The key is finding a way to meet in the middle.

The next time you and your wife feel an argument coming on, try employing a little G.R.A.C.E.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our son is going through a divorce, and it's a terrible thing to witness, especially since we still live in the same city. How can we, as his parents, support him during this process? We don't want to meddle.

Jim: We often read about the negative impact of divorce on young kids, but it's also difficult when parents have to watch their adult children go through the same thing. Dr. Robert Busha offers some good advice for parents in your situation.

First, if there's a chance the couple will seek counseling or reconciliation, encourage them to do so. Your stable wisdom could help save the marriage. However, if the decision to divorce has already been made, trying to get them to change their minds will only result in more heartache.

Dr. Busha also recommends evaluating your own role as a parent. Think about how you can be a positive influence and a healthy role model as your son works through the difficulties of child visitation, single parenthood and so on.

Also, it's understandable that you'd take your son's side when it comes to the divorce. But don't take it too far. Blame and bitterness toward his ex-wife will do nothing to help your son heal and move on. Set an example of what it means to forgive and forget.

Finally, be sure to set boundaries. Will you let your son move back home following the divorce? Will you offer financial assistance? The answers may vary depending on your son's situation, but it's important that you have firm guidelines in place. Offering too much help may impede his recovery in the long run.

By finding the right balance between being too involved and not being involved enough, you can help your son weather the aftermath of divorce. May God grant you wisdom in this difficult assignment.

Q: My husband needs to lose weight. I'm concerned about his health. I've tried to put him on a diet, I've dropped hints, and flat out told him to lose weight. Nothing seems to work! Any advice?

Juli: With over 60 percent of American adults overweight, your question is a common one. Weight obviously impacts health, longevity, lifestyle and attractiveness. It's no surprise that it can also take a toll on the marriage relationship.

The first step to helping your husband lose weight is to realize that there is absolutely nothing you can do to make him lose weight (or even want to do so). Many wives have attempted all of your strategies with similar results. Losing weight has to be his idea. The more he perceives it as your idea, the less likely he is to comply! In fact, he may go out of his way to prove that he is in control of his own choices.

Your best strategy is to have ONE caring conversation with him about his weight. Tell him that you are concerned about his health, but that you have been wrong to try to convince him to lose weight. You recognize that it is his health and his decision. Tell him that you love him the same no matter how much he weighs. Then, close your mouth about the topic.

Do your best to cook healthy meals and maintain an active lifestyle. But if he buys cookies and potato chips, leave him alone. No hints, jokes or cold shoulders. He's a grown man, not your child.

Your husband may never choose to change his eating or exercise habits. That's part of marriage. Our spouses sometimes make choices we don't agree with. This makes marriage the most difficult and amazing relationship in the world -- a commitment to love even in the midst of disagreement and disappointment.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.