Focus on the Family

Q: My husband lost his job a year ago. He's been able to pick up a few odd jobs, but my job has become the steady income for our family. Instead of thanking me for working, he almost seems resentful that I'm having success at work. How should I handle this?

Juli: I certainly understand your agitation. You've taken on a burden for your family and feel unappreciated.

What is difficult, but critical, for you to understand is how devastated your husband likely is about his job situation. Being unemployed and unable to provide for their family is a very serious blow to most men. Although your husband may not articulate what he's going through, he is likely struggling with feelings of worthlessness and depression. Even if he loves you and is proud of you, your success at work feels like salt in a wound. In his mind, you're succeeding where he has failed.

Your husband desperately needs your encouragement during this season. Remind him that he is the same man you fell in love with -- that his job situation doesn't change who he is. Tell him how much you appreciate his desire and effort to provide for the family. Recognize the many other ways he takes care of you, like managing the house, meeting your emotional needs, being a good father, etc. Help him find unique ways he can use his abilities while he is looking for work. For example, he can volunteer, get more involved with what your kids are doing, work toward a degree, or complete a project he's never had time for. These activities can help him feel like he's moving forward and contributing rather than being "stuck."

Unemployment can be a serious risk to marital dynamics. The most important element of making it through together is for your husband to always know you believe in him -- that you are on the same team and never competing.

Q: My grandkids spend so much time texting and emailing that it boggles my mind. I read an article suggesting that using electronic gadgets too much can impede brain function. Can you shed any light on this?

Jim: Most of us spend too much time with our smart phones and other toys, even with all their benefits. And you're right -- studies show that unplugging from these devices is good for your brain!

Scientists are discovering that being over-stimulated by emails, texts and other constant distractions can actually change the way people think and behave. Humans are designed to respond to immediate stimulation. When that happens, the brain releases dopamine, which causes us to feel excitement. It's a natural reaction, but when we fuel it with several hours a day of texts, tweets, and Web surfing, the feeling can become an addiction. That same overstimulation can also inhibit creativity and deep thought, not to mention interrupting normal work and family life.

Sometimes we make excuses for our electronic interruptions by claiming we're "multitasking." But again, research shows that heavy multitaskers have more trouble focusing and shutting out irrelevant information. They also experience more stress. Even after the multitasking ends, their thinking can remain muddled and unfocused. Researchers compare this electronic overload to an addiction to food or sex. The New York Times quoted one scientist as saying, "Technology is rewiring our brains."

Am I suggesting your grandkids are addicted to their devices? No, but it's clear that unchecked, unrestrained electronic stimulation can have a negative impact on healthy brain activity. We'd suggest that you point your grandkids toward the published research on this issue, and then encourage them to "unplug" as often as possible. Their parents might also add a time limit of some sort -- one hour per day is a general rule of thumb in my household.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: Our 8-year-old son isn't overtly rebellious, but he definitely has "selective hearing." We have to demand that he get ready for bed three or four times, for example. Is it worth waging war to make him comply instantly?

Jim: Yes, it's probably worth "waging war," at least in the long term. If you let him get away with ignoring your instructions, you're probably setting him up for heartache in the future.

Although you might not like to hear it, what you're describing sounds like a case of overly permissive parenting. It might start as a seemingly harmless compromise at bedtime. But the next thing you know, you may find yourself taking up slack for your son in all sorts of areas ... making excuses to his teachers when homework is late, or coddling him when he whines and tries to manipulate you.

Dr. Kevin Leman offers some great advice for parents who tend to be too permissive. First, it's OK to get mean! Not in the sense of screaming or being abusive, of course. But parents need to establish firm rules and expectations, and be willing to administer punishment when those rules aren't followed. Your son will likely see this approach as "mean," but you're actually teaching him respect and self-discipline.

Dr. Leman also suggests that parents not issue warnings to their children. Giving an instruction once is enough. Repeating yourself can send two harmful messages to your son: 1)"Mom and Dad don't really mean what they're saying;" and 2) "Mom and Dad think I'm incompetent because they say everything three or four times."

If you feel you've been too permissive, don't despair. Your son may be shocked at first when you decide to enforce the rules more decisively, but he may just thank you later on for putting those boundaries in place. Employing these simple steps can add a huge measure of peace and sanity to your household, as well.

Q: Our oldest son is 8 years old and was invited to sleep over at a friend's house. I remember sleepovers and slumber parties as a kid, but things have changed since then. My husband says I'm paranoid, but I'm just not comfortable letting my son sleep over at someone else's house. What's your advice?

Juli: My advice is to trust your "mother's instincts." I would be very leery of sleepovers unless you know the child's family very well. Leaving an 8-year-old in the care of another family is not something to take lightly. Does the family share your value system? Will it be a safe environment? Although most sleepovers are nothing more than good, clean fun, you need to be certain that your child would not be at risk. For example, most incidents of childhood sexual abuse are committed by people a child knows, including family members and friends.

Whenever your child goes over to a friend's house for a sleepover or otherwise, be sure he understands appropriate boundaries and knows that he can contact you at any time. Don't shy away from asking the parents questions, like who will be home with the kids, what movies they might watch, and whether they will have access to the Internet. I've turned bright red while asking these questions, but my embarrassment is worth protecting my kids.

More and more families are avoiding the whole issue by adopting a "no sleepover" rule for their kids. Instead, they let their children attend birthday parties but pick them up at night before bedtime. Sure, your son may miss an exciting game of truth-or-dare at midnight, but it is better to be safe than sorry. Unfortunately, in today's environment, a little parental paranoia is warranted.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I'm single and have a deep faith and a wonderful family. My problem is that every time I find a wonderful guy and he wants to marry me, I want something more and break it off. What advice can you give me?

Juli: Your situation brings up a very important question about expectations and what constitutes "settling" in marriage. On the one hand, there are certain aspects of a relationship and a potential spouse on which you should never compromise. These include character issues, the quality of your communication and trust, and holding to a similar faith. Frankly, if you have concerns about any of these areas, you probably shouldn't be in a serious dating relationship with that person.

If, on the other hand, the guy you are dating has great character and shares your faith, you have a strong foundation to begin asking the question, "Am I ready to spend the rest of my life with this person?" That's an intimidating question that could cause you to be a little too myopic.

No guy is going to be perfect -- that knight in shining armor. Marriage is about growing and maturing together. Through the commitment of marriage, you learn to love beyond what you receive and embrace through the other's weakness. That's the wonderful beauty of a lifelong love, but it also may be what is keeping you from saying, "Yes." The intimacy of marriage will reveal not only your potential spouse's vulnerability, but yours as well.

You mentioned that you have a wonderful family. You may want to look to them, and to good friends, as sounding boards. Do they say things like, "Wow. He's a great guy. Why did you let that one go?" If so, maybe the problem lies in your own fear of commitment and what marriage may demand of you. If that's not the case, keep looking, growing and praying.

Q: My wife and I have been happily married for three years, but we do have some pretty good arguments. I think it often comes down to simple miscommunication. Other than getting a degree in interpersonal dynamics, is there any way to help diffuse these situations?

Jim: Even the most blissfully in-love couples are going to butt heads. No degree will help you avoid that. Men and women are just wired differently!

That said, Dr. Harold Arnold, a counselor and relationship coach, has developed a great tool to help couples overcome their communication challenges. It's called the G.R.A.C.E. model.

The "G" in G.R.A.C.E. means GIVE your spouse the benefit of the doubt. When conflict arises, keep calm and don't assume your spouse is trying to push your buttons.

"R" means RISK being honest. Dr. Arnold says that without trust, spouses tend to protect themselves by not being vulnerable. As husbands and wives, we need to take the risk of sharing our needs with one another.

The "A" is a reminder to ACCEPT your spouse's feelings at face value. Take time to listen. If your spouse is angry, try to understand why.

Believe it or not, the "C" stands for COMPLAIN. But in this case, it means complain without criticizing. Wives can and should be honest without tearing their husbands down in the process. Similarly, if a husband is frustrated with something his wife is doing, he should say so. But he should do it without resorting to personal attacks.

Finally, the "E" in G.R.A.C.E. stands for EMBRACING your differences. You and your wife will never see everything eye to eye, and that's OK! Opposing viewpoints can actually enhance marriage, rather than tear it down. The key is finding a way to meet in the middle.

The next time you and your wife feel an argument coming on, try employing a little G.R.A.C.E.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.