Focus on the Family

Q: I'm not one of those women who are attracted to "dangerous" guys, but I'm beginning to question my judgment. Few of my relationships survive past the second or third date, at which point I usually shut things down due to serious concerns about my boyfriend's character. Am I being too picky?

Jim: Expecting your boyfriends to exhibit good character is not "picky" -- it's smart. That said, it's also understandable that you're growing frustrated by a string of misses on the dating front.

Author Shana Schutte has developed a list of qualities every single should look for in a "safe date." She identifies "safe dates" as individuals who are likely to turn into responsible and loving spouses if the relationship progresses.

First, a safe date will respect your boundaries. If you ask your boyfriend not to call after 11 p.m., and yet he repeatedly does so, he's not respecting your boundaries. And if he doesn't respect you in this one area, he likely won't respect you in others.

Second, a safe person will not treat you like a child. Some women fail to differentiate between men who are confident leaders and those who simply want to be controlling. If your date acts like you can't be trusted to make your own decisions, it might be time to move on.

Schutte also suggests that a safe person will forgive you, not condemn you. We all make mistakes in relationships. If your significant other holds a grudge even after you've apologized, you might want to reconsider the relationship. And of course, safe dates are also willing to admit their own faults, rather than blame others.

Finally -- and this should be a no-brainer -- a safe date is responsible. If your boyfriend is constantly in financial trouble or switching jobs due to his own poor choices, he's probably not marriage material. May God bless you with patience and perseverance as you navigate the adventurous world of dating!

Q: Every fall, my wife and I have the same argument. She signs the kids up for every activity imaginable. It seems like we spend every weeknight and weekend shuttling them to parties, practices and meetings. I just want some peace and quiet time with our family. How can I get through to her?

Juli: This honestly sounds like a question my husband could have submitted. I admit that I'm the mom who doesn't want her kids to miss out on anything. However, over the years I have begun to see the wisdom of my husband's protests.

The answer is the magic word, "balance." Kids who are involved in some extracurricular activities do better academically, socially and emotionally. However, too much of a good thing can spell disaster. When schedules interfere with family dinner and time together, all measures of adjustment for kids plummet (as Jim noted in last week's column). That's in addition to the stress busyness creates for marriage.

When you approach this topic with your wife, communicate how much you appreciate her commitment to the kids. She is over-scheduling because she wants to be a great mom, not because she loves driving her minivan eight hours a day.

The best way to find the right balance is to set up ground rules that you both think are reasonable. For example, you might agree that each child can be involved in one extracurricular activity at a time. Or you commit to having dinner together as a family at least four evenings a week. The most important thing you can give your children is a stable family. Doing so will require saying "no" to some great opportunities.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My neighbor's son has repeatedly been caught viewing pornography on their computer, and he almost has her convinced that it's just another form of entertainment and that "all the guys do it." How can I help her get through to her son -- and convince them both that this is a serious issue?

Jim: This is one of the most critical problems facing families, because pornography is so easily accessible to anyone with a computer or a smart phone. Every day at Focus on the Family, we hear from people torn apart by porn. As soon as possible, I'd encourage your neighbor and her son to seek help from a counselor or pastor.

How can you convince them to take this step? There is a wide range of sociological evidence pointing to the destructive influence of pornography. In other words, this isn't just an issue of concern for so-called "religious people." Time magazine recently reported: "In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships -- for the worse."

Consider, for example, a 2003 study by the Matrimonial Lawyers Association. It found that 56 percent of divorce cases involve one partner with an obsessive interest in pornography. Marriage (and divorce) may be the last thing on your neighbor's son's mind at this point, but he's fooling himself if he thinks he'll be able to easily ditch his porn habit after getting married. And his ability to form healthy dating relationships in the years leading up to marriage will be seriously hindered as well.

Behind the statistics, there are scores of real people whose lives have been damaged by porn. It's not a joke. It's not entertainment. It destroys families, it shatters marriages, it degrades both men and women, and it distorts the God-given gift of sex. Implore your friend and her son to seek help through a qualified family therapist. It's one of the most important decisions they can make at this critical point in his life.

Q: My husband has a habit of keeping secrets from me or lying to me about little things. He'll tell me that he had to work late when he actually went to see a movie with friends. Or he won't tell me about a bonus he got at work. He's a good husband and a moral person, but his lack of honesty makes me wonder if he's keeping bigger secrets.

Juli: I can understand why your husband's habit of deceit bothers you. Whether it is a big or little area, his lack of honesty undermines trust in your relationship. From how you've described the situation, your husband's "little white lies" are inconsistent with his character. Perhaps he's behaving this way with you as a means of avoiding conflict or asserting independence.

Your husband may feel like he doesn't have the freedom to make decisions like going out with his friends or spending a little extra money. He may have learned as a child to respond to feeling controlled by being "passive-aggressive." In other words, he wouldn't stand up to his parents or say "no," but he would quietly and secretly do his own thing. Your husband has probably transferred this approach into your marriage. Rather than call and explain to you that he wants to go out to a movie, he avoids the conversation and potential conflict by doing what he wants and covering it with a lie.

Although the "issues" at hand are small, they represent larger problems in your marriage dynamics that need to be discussed and resolved. A few sessions with a marriage counselor can help you identify and address these dynamics.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My parents never had "the sex talk" with me, and I seemed to turn out just fine. Now I'm wondering whether to delve into this issue in great detail with my own teenagers. Won't I just drive them away if I'm too heavy-handed about it?

Jim: Your kids are likely receiving a wide range of messages on sexuality from their peers, from school and especially from the media. But have you considered what those messages are saying? Your children need your wise counsel, based on your family's own values and convictions.

Saying "my kids won't listen to me" is no excuse. In fact, they may be listening more closely than you think. A Canadian study from the University of Montreal suggests that many teens look first to their parents for this information, rather than to their peers or the media.

The researchers surveyed almost 1,200 teens between the ages of 14 and 17. Surprisingly, 45 percent of them considered their parents to be their role models in regards to sexuality, compared to just 32 percent who looked to their peers. And only 15 percent said that their views on sex were most influenced by celebrities.

That runs counter to our thinking as parents. We're afraid that our kids will ignore our wise counsel in favor of the hedonism on display all around them. And certainly, that can happen. But the Canadian study shows that this isn't always the case.

If you're not worried about the unhealthy messages your teens are receiving -- you should be! But don't lose hope. Take some time to talk openly with your kids about sexual issues, and encourage them to save sex for marriage. There may be a lot of voices competing for their attention, but yours is the one they most need to hear.

Q: What do I do when my spouse is unwilling to compromise or discuss an issue that we don't agree on?

Juli: An unwillingness to compromise or discuss an issue represents a difficult roadblock. Marriage experts call this "stonewalling" and recognize that it is a very destructive way of avoiding conflict. Without knowing more about your situation, I hesitate to give specific advice, but here are some things to consider.

The first step to overcoming a significant communication barrier is to honestly ask if you've done something to shut down the process. For instance, a woman might be unwilling to talk about the budget because every time it comes up, she feels belittled or controlled by her husband. Or a husband may never want to talk about his weight gain because he feels humiliated by his wife's nagging.

Often, people stonewall when they believe conflict is emotionally unsafe. Has there been a negative pattern in the past that might leave your spouse concluding that the only option is to "shut down"? If so, take responsibility for that and offer to approach the topic with a different tone, perhaps with the help of a neutral third party.

If your spouse remains unwilling to discuss or compromise, you need to discern how big an issue this is. Is it something you can live with, like what temperature to keep the bedroom at night or whether or not to buy a flat-screen TV? You might decide to just let it go.

On the other hand, some issues in marriage cannot be overlooked or ignored, particularly those involving trust or character. In this situation, I'd encourage you to work with a counselor to consider creating a "crisis." When a person is unwilling to talk through an issue, creating a crisis means changing the environment so that it must be addressed. This might include a temporary physical or emotional separation for the expressed purpose of highlighting the importance of the issue that needs to be resolved.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.