Q: My fifth-grade daughter has always loved school, but not this year. She cries every morning, begging to stay home. A group of girls who used to be her friends have started teasing and excluding her. It breaks my heart! What can I do?

Juli: When they hear the word "bullying," most people think of boys getting shoved in lockers or beat up on the playground. As your daughter is unfortunately learning, girls can be just as vicious. In handling a bully situation, you have to find the right balance of protecting, equipping and counteracting.

In your daughter's case, protecting means setting up a conference with her teacher to make sure he or she is aware of the situation. It might also mean contacting one or more of the other girls' parents to discuss what is happening. In extreme situations, protecting your daughter could potentially include removing her from the environment.

Unfortunately, what your daughter is facing is pretty normal in groups of adolescent girls. Even if she were in a different class or different school, she'd be likely to encounter at least some teasing and rejection. You want to use the opportunity to teach her assertiveness and coping skills. You may even role-play with her what to say and do when someone teases or rejects her. Watching and discussing a movie together, like "You Again" or "Back to the Future," can be a nonthreatening way to talk through how she feels and to address coping with bullies.

Finally, be intentional to counteract the effect the bullying is having on her. Help her find friends or a social group where she is accepted and affirmed. The early adolescent years are traumatic for most kids. Your unconditional love and encouragement will be key to getting your daughter through.

Q: My teenage son recently got a friend request on Facebook from a woman who was completely naked in her profile picture. He swears he doesn't know this person, and I believe him. To me, it looks more like an X-rated ad disguised as a "friend request." Can you shed any light on this?

Jim: First, you're to be commended for keeping tabs on your son's online interactions. Companies that peddle online pornography have become adept at advertising their wares on social networking sites, and it's critical that parents remain in the loop.

It's likely your son's "friend request" was indeed an ad for online porn, but there's another sinister possibility. One recent study suggests that prostitutes are now promoting their services by setting up Facebook accounts. A professor at Columbia University interviewed nearly 300 New York City prostitutes and made this startling discovery. With the tighter restrictions on adult ads on Craigslist, many prostitutes were moving their operations over to Facebook. In fact, 83 percent of the prostitutes interviewed said they had a Facebook page. The professor estimated that Facebook would be the leading online recruitment space for prostitutes by the end of 2011.

In fairness, Facebook has restrictions in place that prohibit pornographic material and other obscene content. However, there's no way to prevent a prostitute from opening an account, or to prevent someone -- anyone -- from posting explicit photos. Ideally, Facebook will take action on that content once it is brought to light, but by that point, numerous users, including your son, may have already been exposed to it.

I'm not suggesting that we make our kids delete their social networking accounts. But we do need to make sure we're aware of how they're using them, and that they have the necessary security and privacy settings in place. We'd never let them go wandering alone in the red light district. Unfortunately, the red light district is creeping into their online world.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: I'm not one of those women who are attracted to "dangerous" guys, but I'm beginning to question my judgment. Few of my relationships survive past the second or third date, at which point I usually shut things down due to serious concerns about my boyfriend's character. Am I being too picky?

Jim: Expecting your boyfriends to exhibit good character is not "picky" -- it's smart. That said, it's also understandable that you're growing frustrated by a string of misses on the dating front.

Author Shana Schutte has developed a list of qualities every single should look for in a "safe date." She identifies "safe dates" as individuals who are likely to turn into responsible and loving spouses if the relationship progresses.

First, a safe date will respect your boundaries. If you ask your boyfriend not to call after 11 p.m., and yet he repeatedly does so, he's not respecting your boundaries. And if he doesn't respect you in this one area, he likely won't respect you in others.

Second, a safe person will not treat you like a child. Some women fail to differentiate between men who are confident leaders and those who simply want to be controlling. If your date acts like you can't be trusted to make your own decisions, it might be time to move on.

Schutte also suggests that a safe person will forgive you, not condemn you. We all make mistakes in relationships. If your significant other holds a grudge even after you've apologized, you might want to reconsider the relationship. And of course, safe dates are also willing to admit their own faults, rather than blame others.

Finally -- and this should be a no-brainer -- a safe date is responsible. If your boyfriend is constantly in financial trouble or switching jobs due to his own poor choices, he's probably not marriage material. May God bless you with patience and perseverance as you navigate the adventurous world of dating!

Q: Every fall, my wife and I have the same argument. She signs the kids up for every activity imaginable. It seems like we spend every weeknight and weekend shuttling them to parties, practices and meetings. I just want some peace and quiet time with our family. How can I get through to her?

Juli: This honestly sounds like a question my husband could have submitted. I admit that I'm the mom who doesn't want her kids to miss out on anything. However, over the years I have begun to see the wisdom of my husband's protests.

The answer is the magic word, "balance." Kids who are involved in some extracurricular activities do better academically, socially and emotionally. However, too much of a good thing can spell disaster. When schedules interfere with family dinner and time together, all measures of adjustment for kids plummet (as Jim noted in last week's column). That's in addition to the stress busyness creates for marriage.

When you approach this topic with your wife, communicate how much you appreciate her commitment to the kids. She is over-scheduling because she wants to be a great mom, not because she loves driving her minivan eight hours a day.

The best way to find the right balance is to set up ground rules that you both think are reasonable. For example, you might agree that each child can be involved in one extracurricular activity at a time. Or you commit to having dinner together as a family at least four evenings a week. The most important thing you can give your children is a stable family. Doing so will require saying "no" to some great opportunities.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.

Q: My neighbor's son has repeatedly been caught viewing pornography on their computer, and he almost has her convinced that it's just another form of entertainment and that "all the guys do it." How can I help her get through to her son -- and convince them both that this is a serious issue?

Jim: This is one of the most critical problems facing families, because pornography is so easily accessible to anyone with a computer or a smart phone. Every day at Focus on the Family, we hear from people torn apart by porn. As soon as possible, I'd encourage your neighbor and her son to seek help from a counselor or pastor.

How can you convince them to take this step? There is a wide range of sociological evidence pointing to the destructive influence of pornography. In other words, this isn't just an issue of concern for so-called "religious people." Time magazine recently reported: "In recent years, a number of psychologists and sociologists have joined the chorus of religious and political opponents in warning about the impact of pervasive pornography. They argue that porn is transforming sexuality and relationships -- for the worse."

Consider, for example, a 2003 study by the Matrimonial Lawyers Association. It found that 56 percent of divorce cases involve one partner with an obsessive interest in pornography. Marriage (and divorce) may be the last thing on your neighbor's son's mind at this point, but he's fooling himself if he thinks he'll be able to easily ditch his porn habit after getting married. And his ability to form healthy dating relationships in the years leading up to marriage will be seriously hindered as well.

Behind the statistics, there are scores of real people whose lives have been damaged by porn. It's not a joke. It's not entertainment. It destroys families, it shatters marriages, it degrades both men and women, and it distorts the God-given gift of sex. Implore your friend and her son to seek help through a qualified family therapist. It's one of the most important decisions they can make at this critical point in his life.

Q: My husband has a habit of keeping secrets from me or lying to me about little things. He'll tell me that he had to work late when he actually went to see a movie with friends. Or he won't tell me about a bonus he got at work. He's a good husband and a moral person, but his lack of honesty makes me wonder if he's keeping bigger secrets.

Juli: I can understand why your husband's habit of deceit bothers you. Whether it is a big or little area, his lack of honesty undermines trust in your relationship. From how you've described the situation, your husband's "little white lies" are inconsistent with his character. Perhaps he's behaving this way with you as a means of avoiding conflict or asserting independence.

Your husband may feel like he doesn't have the freedom to make decisions like going out with his friends or spending a little extra money. He may have learned as a child to respond to feeling controlled by being "passive-aggressive." In other words, he wouldn't stand up to his parents or say "no," but he would quietly and secretly do his own thing. Your husband has probably transferred this approach into your marriage. Rather than call and explain to you that he wants to go out to a movie, he avoids the conversation and potential conflict by doing what he wants and covering it with a lie.

Although the "issues" at hand are small, they represent larger problems in your marriage dynamics that need to be discussed and resolved. A few sessions with a marriage counselor can help you identify and address these dynamics.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

Copyright 2011 Focus on the Family, Colorado Springs, CO 80995

International Copyright Secured. All Rights reserved.