Q: This is the first holiday season for my family since my father passed away. I'm dreading Christmas because I am afraid it will be so emotional, especially for my mom. What can I do to make it easier for her?

Juli: I am so sorry for you loss. Grieving someone you love during the holiday season can bring about many of the conflicting feelings you describe. Everyone around you seems to be celebrating while your heart is aching.

For both you and your mom, it is important to recognize and accept that this holiday season will be different from years past. Don't feel pressure to pretend that life goes on as usual. It is perfectly fine for your family to cry and grieve, even on Christmas morning. Instead of fighting against the grief, it may help to acknowledge it. Some families, for example, choose to set a place at the table for the family member who has died. But it is also appropriate for your family to celebrate. Some people feel as though they don't have the right to be happy or to laugh through grief. Give yourself and your mom permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

This Christmas will be more emotionally taxing than others. While maintaining family traditions can bring about feelings of normalcy and stability, it is also fine to scale back. Help your mom be realistic about what she feels up to.

Finally, Christmas provides a variety of opportunities to bless others who are in need. Consider helping a needy family or giving to a charity in your father's name to honor his memory. You may find joy even through grief as you look to ease the burden of someone less fortunate.

Q: We didn't build many Christmas traditions when I was young. Some years, in fact, my mom couldn't even be bothered to put up a tree. How can I make Christmas special and memorable for my own kids?

Jim: Author Lynne Thompson has developed an age-appropriate list filled with just the kind of ideas you're looking for. Here are a few of them:

AGES 0-3:

1) In order to avoid making Christmas a "don't touch" holiday for little ones, give them fun things they can touch.

2) Mold a nativity scene from clay dough and display it in a prominent place. Tell the story of Christmas while you do this.

3) Decorate cookies and build gingerbread houses together.

AGES 4-7:

1) When you receive Christmas cards from friends and family members, place them in a basket on the dinner table. Take turns drawing a card each night and then pray together for that person or family.

2) Pick out a new holiday picture book to read each Christmas Eve.

AGES 8-12:

1) Assign a country to your child, and ask him or her to report on how that country celebrates Christmas. Encourage your kids to prepare a traditional dish from that country, or perform a folk dance, etc.

Lynne also recommends several activities that are suitable for all ages. For example, join with some other families and go Christmas caroling. In addition to singing around the neighborhood, consider visiting a hospital, homeless shelter or nursing home.

Finally, many families choose to celebrate Advent -- the days leading up to Christmas Day. There are fun Advent calendars on the market, some with doors that open and play songs, others that hide chocolate candies or other treats.

For the full list, as well as other Christmas ideas, visit focusonthefamily.com. Best wishes to you as you seek to build special Christmas memories with your kids this year!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Our 7-year-old daughter is asking skeptical questions about Santa Claus. We have encouraged her belief in "old St. Nick" up to this point. How do we break the news to her now without coming across as total liars?

Jim: Most kids aren't as traumatized by the revelation that Santa isn't real as their parents assume they'll be. My wife and I made sure we "broke the news" to our boys ourselves. That way, they wouldn't hear it from their peers, which may have been more distressing to them and more likely to cast Mom and Dad in a bad light. Our counseling team at Focus on the Family has addressed this question, too, and recommends using language like this:

"When you were little you liked to play make-believe. I remember when you pretended to be a princess for months after watching 'Cinderella.' In the same way, it was fun for you to believe that Santa Claus is a real person when you were younger. But now you're growing up, and your understanding of the world is changing."

When you have the discussion, touch on the fact that families all over the world have stories about Santa, whether he takes the form of Sinterklaas in Holland or Father Christmas in England. You might also want to do some research online about St. Nicholas of Myra, the 4th-century Christian bishop upon whom most historians agree our modern Santa is based. Apocryphal stories about St. Nicholas abound, but everyone agrees with the general idea that he was a pious individual who gave generously to the poor.

The celebration of Christmas is ultimately centered on the birth of the Messiah. Because St. Nicholas and Jesus are both "invisible" historical figures, be sure to make a distinction between them with your daughter. Christ's birth set the stage for His life on Earth, and His eventual death and resurrection to save sinners. Even if your family doesn't embrace this view, it's certainly worth talking with your daughter about the themes of self-sacrifice and selflessness that it embodies. Helping your daughter find joy in blessing others at Christmas will likely evaporate any disappointment she may feel at the realization that Santa isn't real.

Q: I am 32 years old and have two small children. Over the past year or so, I've had random thoughts, dreams and memories of sexual abuse in my childhood. I try to ignore these thoughts, but they won't go away. It has started to interfere with intimacy in my marriage. Is it possible to be remembering something that happened so long ago?

Juli: I am so sorry for the disturbing thoughts and memories you are having! Yes, it is possible to be remembering things that happened long ago. In fact, in many cases, memories of childhood abuse can surface in adulthood, once you have had children of your own.

There is a lot of controversy in the psychological world about the accuracy of repressed memories. However, most professionals agree with the fact that highly traumatic events are stored in our memories differently than normal childhood interactions. I believe that God has given our minds the ability to temporarily block traumatic experiences that are too painful to process. As you grow and mature, you develop the capacity to process and understand things that you couldn't as a child.

Addressing traumatic memories of childhood abuse is certainly a painful and difficult process. It may be disruptive to family relationships and is likely to create stress and chaos while you are in the midst of healing. It will be very helpful for you to work with a counselor who is trained in sexual abuse recovery. In addition, you will need a strong support network to encourage you through the process. At Focus on the Family, we would love to help you find a counselor through our national referral network or to point you to excellent resources to encourage you on your journey to healing.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: Every Christmas season, I resent how much money my wife spends on her family. She has a big family and they all exchange gifts that can add up to hundreds of dollars. In my family, we usually just get each other something sentimental, and sometimes only exchange Christmas cards. How do I help her see how unfair this is?

Juli: Your question really brings up two issues: how much is reasonable to spend at Christmas, and the inequity between giving different amounts to your families.

Many couples experience conflict and stress throughout and after the holidays because they spend too much. With parties, gifts and even decorations, Christmas can break the bank. You and your wife need to agree on an amount to be spent for her family and others before the shopping begins. In fact, you might even start saving for the Christmas budget throughout the year. Once you agree on the amount, this will give your wife the freedom to buy or make gifts for her family without creating tension between you two. If the amount her family spends is unreasonable for your budget, she may have to have an honest conversation about adjusting expectations.

During the budget discussion, the second issue will inevitably come up, "Why do you need $300 for your family gifts, while I only spend $50 on mine?" The amount you spend on each family doesn't necessarily have to be equal in order to be fair. It's wise to make decisions on how much to spend based on a variety of factors, such as the size of the family and what the gifts communicate. Is gift-giving an obligation, a way of communicating love or a non-issue? In some families, gifts are the primary way of expressing affection and allegiance. Others don't care about gifts at all, but simply want you to spend time with them.

Both of you should have the freedom, within reason, to express love to your families in the way they will receive it.

Q: My boys like to have a snack when they get home from school. But how much is too much? They can easily consume a large snack and still have plenty of room for dinner.

Jim: I can certainly relate to this. My own boys are often eager for a snack after a long day. But research shows that many children are snacking too much.

According to a study published in Health Affairs, kids today are taking in significantly more calories from snack foods than they did in the 1970s. The study's statistics show that half of American children snack four times a day, and that some kids are eating even more, as many as 10 snacks a day! It's not likely that these kids are hungry that often. Researchers believe they're simply eating the food because it's there. It's like a form of entertainment. When kids spend so much time snacking, they're much less likely to eat a healthy, balanced meal at breakfast, lunch or dinner.

The snacks themselves are a problem, as well. Cookies and cakes are the most popular snacks among kids, with chips and other salty items running a close second. Kids are also drinking a lot more fruit juice. That might sound OK, but most of these drinks are loaded with excess sugar.

It sounds like your boys are genuinely hungry after school, and that's especially understandable if they're involved in sports or other strenuous activities. So make sure fruits and vegetables are on the snack menu, and only in amounts sufficient to "tide them over" until dinner. And, of course, make sure you're setting a good example in this area. Don't expect your boys to be happy with an apple if you're snacking on candy bars and soda!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.

Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com

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