Focus on the Family

Q: My parents see birthdays and even minor holidays as an excuse to shower my kids with excessive gifts. I've tried to talk to them about this, but they don't get the message. It looks like Christmas is going to usher in another avalanche of toys from Grandma and Grandpa. What do I do?

Jim: You've probably seen those T-shirts that read, "Whatever happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's." Doting grandparents tend to overindulge their grandkids and then send them back home -- where their parents have to deal with the fallout!

Often, there's little harm in grandparents wanting to "spoil" their grandchildren, so long as the kids understand that such occasions are regarded as the exception to the rule. But sometimes Grandma and Grandpa need to be reined in. If they're repeatedly disregarding your wishes as a parent, you may be facing something bigger than the mere doting permissiveness of adoring grandparents. You need to take decisive steps to address the problem, albeit in a loving, respectful way that will not jeopardize the positive relationship you enjoy with them.

We'd suggest that you and your spouse get a baby sitter and schedule a dinner out with your parents. Begin by letting them know how much you love and value them. Then tell them that you're working hard to raise children who are not given to self-centeredness and materialism. Explain that although you appreciate their kindness and generosity, you're beginning to feel that they are undermining your efforts by their actions. It would help if you can name specific incidents. Relate the details and tell them how these situations made you feel as a parent. Help them understand why it's important for your children to be held to a consistent standard.

They may feel hurt for a while, but it's critical that you address the issue before it gets further out of hand. Hopefully, they'll share your desire that your kids not become spoiled brats, and will fall into line accordingly.

Q: My husband travels a lot with his job and I am looking for a way to stay connected with him while he is away. Do you have any advice or suggestions that would be helpful?

Juli: There are a lot of couples in your situation for a variety of reasons, including military deployments, staggered work shifts and corporate travel. It's great that you recognize the time apart as a potential problem in your marriage and that you want to work on staying connected. Distance can easily become a marriage killer if you're not intentional about maintaining and building intimacy.

With modern technology, couples can creatively find ways to stay connected even when they can't be in the same room. Find a mode of communication that fits your personalities and relationship. Some couples use Skype, others talk on the phone or text several times a day just to send quick messages about what's happening. Other couples connect with deeper, less frequent communication. A good friend of mine keeps a journal for her husband while he is away. Every night she writes her thoughts and prayers in the journal for him to read when he gets home.

When you are home together, ruthlessly protect that time. That probably means saying "no" to some very good things. Make time to date each other, enjoy physical intimacy and talk through the business issues of marriage and family.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My husband and I have a tradition of getting each other something really nice each Christmas, like jewelry or electronics. However, money is tight this year. How can I give my husband something special without breaking the bank?

Jim: Don't underestimate the power of the homemade gift! In fact, author Dena Dyer says, "Ask anyone to name a favorite gift that he or she has received and you'll probably hear 'the drawing my child did of me' or 'the poem my husband wrote to propose.' Handmade and creative presents are often the most meaningful."

Here are a few of Dyer's economical suggestions:

1) Frame a picture of your spouse in a blank photo mat. Surround the picture with written compliments. List the qualities you adore about him or her, including the little things that usually go unnoticed.

2) Leave short love notes around the house: "You warm my heart" on the oven, "Thanks for putting up with me" on the coat rack, and so on.

3) If you're musically inclined, compose and perform a song for your mate. Consider surprising your spouse with a performance in front of other people.

4) Does he usually clean the kitchen after you cook? Do both chores one night, and let him put his feet up. Is she the carpool and breakfast-and-lunch-making queen? Volunteer to take her shift, so she can sleep in.

5) Remember "mix tapes"? Do the same thing with a computer or digital recorder, alternating favorite songs with spoken memories.

6) Write a love poem -- it doesn't have to be a masterpiece. Try an acrostic: Write your loved one's name vertically and list adjectives that begin with each letter.

You can find Dena Dyer's full list at focusonthefamily.com. It might not seem as glamorous, but I'm guessing a heartfelt, handmade gift from you will be appreciated for years to come, long after an electronic gadget becomes outdated and boring.

Q: Our son, who is 11, was caught stealing. This seems to be an ongoing issue. I am at a loss as to what I need to do. What would be a fair punishment to give him?

Juli: Often, parents are tempted to respond to all bad behaviors in the same way. For example, they use the same punishment for arguing with a sibling as they do for a serious problem like stealing. Parents need to clearly distinguish between childish behavior (such as bouncing a ball in the house or not doing chores) and character issues (such as honesty and respect for others).

To address this issue with your son, you need to communicate to him that stealing is a very serious moral offense. Trying the same old speech or grounding him from video games for yet another week will not get his attention. Your words, and the consequences you give him, should set this apart as a severe infraction. You might even remind him that if he were to steal as an adult (in just a few years) he could go to jail. This is no small matter. I think it is very appropriate to require your son to apologize face-to-face to the person from whom he stole.

I'm also a big believer in the punishment fitting the crime. The Bible tells the story of Zacchaeus, a tax collector who was stealing money from his fellow citizens. Once he realized the crime he had committed, Zacchaeus repaid his victims four times what he had taken. Perhaps your son needs to feel the pain he has inflicted by giving away some of his most prized possessions. That is a consequence he won't soon forget.

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: This is the first holiday season for my family since my father passed away. I'm dreading Christmas because I am afraid it will be so emotional, especially for my mom. What can I do to make it easier for her?

Juli: I am so sorry for you loss. Grieving someone you love during the holiday season can bring about many of the conflicting feelings you describe. Everyone around you seems to be celebrating while your heart is aching.

For both you and your mom, it is important to recognize and accept that this holiday season will be different from years past. Don't feel pressure to pretend that life goes on as usual. It is perfectly fine for your family to cry and grieve, even on Christmas morning. Instead of fighting against the grief, it may help to acknowledge it. Some families, for example, choose to set a place at the table for the family member who has died. But it is also appropriate for your family to celebrate. Some people feel as though they don't have the right to be happy or to laugh through grief. Give yourself and your mom permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

This Christmas will be more emotionally taxing than others. While maintaining family traditions can bring about feelings of normalcy and stability, it is also fine to scale back. Help your mom be realistic about what she feels up to.

Finally, Christmas provides a variety of opportunities to bless others who are in need. Consider helping a needy family or giving to a charity in your father's name to honor his memory. You may find joy even through grief as you look to ease the burden of someone less fortunate.

Q: We didn't build many Christmas traditions when I was young. Some years, in fact, my mom couldn't even be bothered to put up a tree. How can I make Christmas special and memorable for my own kids?

Jim: Author Lynne Thompson has developed an age-appropriate list filled with just the kind of ideas you're looking for. Here are a few of them:

AGES 0-3:

1) In order to avoid making Christmas a "don't touch" holiday for little ones, give them fun things they can touch.

2) Mold a nativity scene from clay dough and display it in a prominent place. Tell the story of Christmas while you do this.

3) Decorate cookies and build gingerbread houses together.

AGES 4-7:

1) When you receive Christmas cards from friends and family members, place them in a basket on the dinner table. Take turns drawing a card each night and then pray together for that person or family.

2) Pick out a new holiday picture book to read each Christmas Eve.

AGES 8-12:

1) Assign a country to your child, and ask him or her to report on how that country celebrates Christmas. Encourage your kids to prepare a traditional dish from that country, or perform a folk dance, etc.

Lynne also recommends several activities that are suitable for all ages. For example, join with some other families and go Christmas caroling. In addition to singing around the neighborhood, consider visiting a hospital, homeless shelter or nursing home.

Finally, many families choose to celebrate Advent -- the days leading up to Christmas Day. There are fun Advent calendars on the market, some with doors that open and play songs, others that hide chocolate candies or other treats.

For the full list, as well as other Christmas ideas, visit focusonthefamily.com. Best wishes to you as you seek to build special Christmas memories with your kids this year!

Dr. Juli Slattery is a licensed psychologist, co-host of Focus on the Family, author of several books, and a wife and mother of three.)

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)