Focus on the Family

Q: My husband was recently deployed to Afghanistan. Just before he left, I discovered that he was having an affair. I want to try to repair the damage to our relationship, but it's difficult to communicate with him now that he's overseas. What can I do?

Jim: I'm sorry to learn of your terrible predicament. Infidelity deals a terrible blow to any marriage, and this period of separation adds another layer of difficulty.

Until your husband returns, there isn't much you can do to deal with this directly. But Focus on the Family's counseling team recommends some proactive steps you can take in his absence.

First, a vital part of the healing process can be found in consultation with a counselor. Contact Focus on the Family for an initial consultation, as well as help in locating a licensed counselor in your area with whom you can discuss your hurt and disappointment. When your husband returns, get involved in joint counseling as soon as possible.

Second, while your husband's deployment lasts, stay in touch with him to the best of your ability. You don't need to address his infidelity in your letters or emails -- in fact, military experts advise against this because on-base disclosures can affect security. Instead, supply him with detailed information about you and your kids (if you have any). Keep the lines of communication open even when he doesn't respond in kind. This will remind him of your love and commitment to the marriage until he returns.

Once he comes home, you'll have the opportunity to talk face-to-face about the affair and to discuss the future of your marriage. May God grant you grace during this trying time!

Q: My husband and I have two small children. We don't want them to be in day care, but we can't agree about who should stay home with them. I always assumed that I would be home with my kids, but my job pays more than my husband's. How do we resolve this?

Juli: First of all, I applaud your desire to be home with your children. While some parents don't have a choice about childcare, it's wonderful when parents are able to be with their young children during the day.

Thirty years ago, this question was a no-brainer. Practically everyone thought that mom should stay home and dad should bring in the paycheck. Now, there are many different opinions. Stay-at-home dads are on the rise, and many couples are finding ways to co-parent, with both mom and dad taking less demanding jobs so that each can contribute substantially to parenting.

The key issue is that you agree with the plan you decide upon. While finances are important to consider, they should be low on the list compared to unity. I'd encourage you as a couple to wrestle through two important questions:

First, "What is best for the kids?" Normally (but not always), moms are better equipped to handle the day-to-day interactions with young children. A woman's body is designed to nurse, and her hormones are geared toward nurturing and greater patience.

Second, "What is best for our marriage?" In some families where dad stays at home, his wife may feel resentful that she's not able to be at home with her kids and has to take on the financial burden for the family. Likewise, the husband's confidence may take a hit when he's not providing financially. Don't ignore these underlying basic drives as you make your decision.

I know my answer isn't exactly politically correct. However, when making important decisions for your family, look beyond what's trendy and consider what you might possibly regret 10 years from now.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: As much as I love having my kids home for the summer, I also dread it. I feel like I'm constantly trying to juggle work and what the kids need. It's chaos most of the time. How can I actually enjoy having them home?

Juli: As a working mom with three boys, I understand your dilemma. I love having the kids home from school, but I also face the constant challenge of how to channel their tremendous energy in constructive ways. Here are a few tips I've learned over the years:

-- Everyone does better with a schedule. Part of the fun of the summer is not having schedules dictate life, but a free-for-all leads to chaos. Implement a loose schedule to keep the summer manageable. This should include the times that everyone wakes up and goes to bed, time to get chores done and even "quiet time" for everyone to rest.

-- Keep your kids busy doing productive things. Every child, even at 3 years old, should have chores. Be ready to reply to the complaint "I'm bored" with a list of jobs to complete, crafts to do, books to read or other options that your children can tackle on their own. And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with them being bored once in a while.

-- Make sure you have time just to focus on your kids this summer. Compartmentalize your work to certain hours or days of the week, so you can have free time to do fun things like play with squirt guns, go to the zoo and camp in the backyard.

-- Put off things that can wait until the kids go back to school. Having lunch with a friend, volunteering at church and painting your bedroom can all wait. The summer flies by, and it is a critical time to connect with your kids. You will never regret making that your first priority.

Jim: If you haven't already done so, start by sitting down with your son and giving him a chance to discuss the film openly. Don't make light of his fears or dismiss his feelings as silly or immature.

Then, reinforce the idea that the movie was only a story, just like the imaginary tales in his picture books. You might also practice some coping techniques with him, like deep breathing exercises or visualizing a happy place.

It's definitely not a good idea for you to sleep in your son's room or to let him sleep in your bed. That will only reinforce the behavior you're trying to extinguish. Instead, find some other way to make him feel secure, such as turning on a nightlight or allowing him to take a special stuffed animal to bed.

Your experience also raises the larger question of which movies are appropriate for your son. Just because the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) rates a movie G or PG doesn't mean it won't contain themes, language and other elements that are inappropriate for preschoolers. And while your friends were likely well-intentioned in recommending this particular film, it's clear that what may have seemed harmless to their kids left your own son terrorized.

To avoid this experience next time, visit Focus on the Family's Plugged In website (www.pluggedin.com). It contains in-depth reviews of the latest theatrical releases as well as past DVD releases, and will help you make wise and discerning decisions about media choices.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)

Q: My daughter will be getting married this summer. The family of the groom participates in social drinking. Our side of the family does not drink alcohol. What would be the appropriate way to handle this situation? Should there be alcohol allowed or not?

Juli: The issue about whether or not to allow alcohol is a relatively minor one. Your daughter's wedding is one event -- the details of what was served will soon be forgotten. The symbolism of how you handle the situation is far more significant.

Your daughter and future son-in-law are building a brand-new family. Decisions like the one you are facing will be important in how that new foundation is established. They symbolize unspoken issues like, "Whose family will be more respected?" and "Whose values will the new couple choose to model their family after?" With this in mind, here's what I would advise:

Involve your daughter and her fiance in the decision. It's their day. It's about them. They are stuck in the middle wanting to honor both sets of parents. Respect them for that desire and honor them as they wrestle through the issue.

Second, consider a compromise. Serving alcohol doesn't mean that you have to drink it or that drinking has to get out of hand. Perhaps serve only wine during the reception.

Whatever you decide, remember that you are supporting a new marriage, not just planning a wedding. Do everything you can to graciously welcome your husband and his family into your own.

Q: My granddaughter is the offspring of an interracial marriage -- her mother is black, her father white. Her parents have now divorced and her dad is no longer in the picture. She often struggles with issues of her "color." What can I do to help her?

Jim: In the first place, don't be afraid to talk about race with her. There's no reason to cover this topic in a shroud of silence and shame. She needs to know that it's OK to be herself, just exactly as she is.

You and the girl's mother should both communicate openly with her about her "color"-related feelings and experiences. Try to understand her situation from her point of view. Ask open-ended questions like, "Tell me what you like or don't like about the way you look" or "Describe a time when you felt different from the other kids in class."

Also, help her meet other kids from ethnically diverse backgrounds when possible. And make an effort to expose her to books, TV shows, dolls, games and artwork that feature multicultural characters and themes. This will help supply her with the positive role models she so desperately needs. It's important for her to see examples of talented, successful and happy people who, like her, come from racially mixed backgrounds. Regardless of what you feel about his politics, President Barack Obama is a shining example of an individual from a racially mixed background who has risen to power and prominence.

Finally, be sure to teach her about the many other kinds of distinctions and likenesses that exist among human beings. People are similar and different in a variety of ways -- race isn't the only distinguishing element. Below the surface, people all have similar needs and feelings. Everybody wants to be loved and accepted. Looks aside, help your granddaughter understand that she is also very much like the kids around her. Race is only one small part of who she is. It's not the defining factor.

(Submit your questions to: ask@FocusOnTheFamily.com)