Focus on the Family

Q: I really struggle to have a positive outlook and always seem to dwell on the negative aspects of life. Is there something I can do to help me be more positive about things?

Jim: Does it sound trite and perhaps cliched to suggest that you "count your blessings" whenever you're feeling negative? Perhaps, but in all honesty, that's a good approach. In a few days, you'll likely be sitting down with family or friends to have Thanksgiving dinner. If you're like many folks, you'll spend some of that time reflecting on the blessings you've been given and expressing gratitude for the good things in life.

We would suggest that a strong antidote to negativity would be to adopt an attitude of thanksgiving throughout the year. Don't save it all for just one day!

Of course, there may be specific events or relationships in your life that are contributing to your negative feelings. We certainly wouldn't suggest that you sweep those under the rug. It's also possible that persistent, pervasive feelings of negativity could be related to clinical depression or some other physiological issue.

If you feel that might be the case, we'd encourage you to confide in a friend, a pastor or even a professional counselor. Visit focusonthefamily.com to speak with one of our staff counselors and to get a referral to a counselor in your area.

Q: My child is constantly getting in trouble for talking in class and generally being unruly. How can I help him understand that the talking is excessive and that it is important to be self-controlled?

Jim: This question is tailor-made for Focus on the Family's executive director of Parenting and Youth, Leon Wirth!

Leon: It's rare for a child who is compliant and well-behaved at home to become defiant and uncooperative in other settings. There may be a number of factors and issues contributing to your son's behavior. You didn't go into detail, but is it possible he has the same problem with disruptive behavior at home that he does at school?

If so, it's possible that he's picking up a pattern at home of others giving in to his demands and allowing him to have his way when he resists your authority. Once he's at school, he finds himself in a situation where this mode of operation no longer works for him -- where he's expected to obey adults and follow the rules. Kids used to having few limits at home usually don't like having limits set on their behavior elsewhere.

On the other hand, if your son is well-behaved at home, it's possible you've been too strict with him. His compliance at home may simply be for the sake of avoiding harsh punishment. Under this scenario, your son may not have internalized the character traits you've been attempting to teach. Once outside the home, in a less rigid environment, he may be "letting loose" and misbehaving in ways he couldn't at home.

There are other possibilities and factors to consider: the negative influence of a classmate, possible attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and so on. You alone are in a position to decide which of these hypothetical situations applies.

But as a first step, we'd encourage you to take the time to carefully self-examine your parenting practices. Whatever your style, it's important to provide a healthy balance between love and limits. Are you affirming and rewarding your child for good behavior, as well as punishing him for negative behavior? Are you helping him to develop compassion and understanding for others rather than simply adhering to a strict set of rules and regulations? A thoughtful assessment of your parenting approach may do wonders.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: It's Thanksgiving, but I feel like my kids are anything but thankful. They have a staggering sense of entitlement. How can I combat this?

Jim: The answer depends on your kids' ages. Preschoolers are too young to grasp ideas like unselfishness and gratitude. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to teach these concepts, but don't be overly concerned if your young children haven't caught on quite yet.

Older kids are another matter. This is where many parents come face-to-face with the impact of our materialistic, consumer-driven culture. Advertisers and toy manufacturers aren't in the business of helping parents teach contentment and thankfulness. From their perspective, children are a lucrative sector of the "market," and they design their publicity campaigns accordingly. As a result, children are conditioned to believe that they're entitled to have everything they want -- right now!

One of the best ways you can counter this mentality is by modeling gratitude yourself. Actions speak louder than words. As you go through your daily routine, remember to express thankfulness on a regular basis -- even for simple things like a roof over your head and food on the table. The practice of thanksgiving should not be confined to one Thursday in November.

Another way to help your child develop a grateful heart is by serving others who are less fortunate. Volunteer to serve meals at a local rescue mission. Visit shut-ins at a nursing home. Sign up to sponsor an underprivileged child in the developing world through a ministry like World Vision or Compassion International. This is a wonderful way to increase your entire family's awareness of the blessings they enjoy while getting in touch with the needs of people around the world.

Q: I do not feel "in love" with my mate. What should I do?

Jim: Love is more than a feeling. It's a decision! I'll let Focus on the Family's executive director of Marriage and Family Formation, Dr. Greg Smalley, explain.

Greg: As a marriage counselor, I often hear couples say, "I don't feel love for my mate anymore." To be honest, that statement does not cause me much concern. It simply provides an opportunity to challenge the couple's beliefs about love and its origins.

I remember the day I fell in love with Erin, the woman who would become my wife. As I reveled in those early feelings of infatuation, I had no idea that there would be times in our marriage when we would fight, and when we would experience moments of conflict so painful that we would doubt our love for one another. During these times, I tried to figure out what was wrong with me -- or with her. Was I incapable of generating love? Was there some flaw in Erin that made her "unlovable"?

After a long process of prayer, soul-searching and counseling, I learned to make the conscious decision to view Erin as God sees her -- valuable and precious. I realized that I had closed the door to my heart, preventing the flow of love. I'd become so busy focusing on her faults (and ignoring my own) that I had closed the doors to my heart.

And so I stopped worrying about whether or not I felt "in love." Rather than trying to manufacture feelings of love, I would ask myself, "Is my heart open or closed to my wife?" Since I did not have any ability to create love, I made the focus on the state of my own heart, which is something I can control. I encourage you and your spouse to sit down with a counselor who can help you work through this issue. Visit focusonthefamily.com for a referral.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: We have three children, and we are looking for any advice you can give us on how we should do money allowances in our household.

Jim: Some parents believe in paying a weekly allowance, while others pay their kids for individual chores. Some parents don't pay anything, opting instead to give their children money for purchases based on their overall attitude and helpfulness. There's no one-size-fits-all approach.

Whatever system you adopt, it's important to remember that one of your major goals is to prepare your children to live in the "real world" -- the world of work, taxes, charitable giving and investments. In that world, nobody is going to pay them for making their beds or taking out the trash. Instead, they'll be paid for things like managing a group of employees, tuning up somebody's car or selling a pair of shoes to a demanding customer.

With that in mind, we would suggest that kids perform certain tasks around the house simply because they are part of the family. This might include taking care of their own rooms, picking up their toys, helping prepare meals, washing their own clothes and, yes, even taking out the trash.

On the other hand, you might pay your kids for chores that demand more time and energy -- contributions to the life of the household that go beyond the call of duty. This might include mowing the lawn, washing the car or, in the case of a responsible teenager, baby-sitting younger siblings for an entire Saturday afternoon.

Whether it's a regular responsibility or a chore that earns a "paycheck," it's important to communicate clearly what you're looking for in terms of the timeframe and the level of quality you expect.

Q: What do you do when your spouse is unwilling to compromise or discuss issues that you don't agree on in your marriage?

Jim: Compromise can be a challenge in any marriage! I'm going to let Dr. Greg Smalley, Focus on the Family's executive director of Marriage and Family Formation, tackle this one.

Greg: The key is to dig down below the surface issue to what is actually driving both spouses' feelings of hurt. Instead of getting stuck arguing about a specific issue (money, sex, kids, work, etc.) or what each partner is doing wrong, use the opportunity to discuss what is really going on deep inside of you.

What drives hurt and frustration in marriage? Buttons. Whenever someone says something that hurts you or makes you mad, it pushes your buttons. Common buttons include feeling rejected, abandoned, helpless, inadequate, unloved, worthless or unimportant. All of these buttons are ultimately rooted in fear. When someone pushes your fear button, you tend to react with unhealthy words or actions calculated to motivate the other person to change and give you what you want. For example, if you fear being a failure, you want to feel successful. If you fear being rejected, you desire to feel accepted. Most of us use unhealthy reactions to deal with our fear, and as a result, we sabotage our relationships.

The key to breaking this cycle is for you and your spouse to first identify your buttons, and then your reactions. Remember, you can either talk about the surface issue, arguing about what the other person does that hurts or frustrates you, or you can talk about what is really driving your hurt and frustration -- your buttons. Don't be afraid to ask an outside party for help with this process, if necessary. Focus on the Family can offer you a free counseling session by phone and also put you in touch with a qualified counselor in your area.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.