Focus on the Family

Q: My daughter has a solo in the school Christmas program, but I'm afraid she's going to get sick and miss the performance due to the fact that half the kids in her class have colds. Would an immunity-boosting supplement help?

Jim: Most of us have seen people at the office downing vitamins, zinc, ginseng and other concoctions in an effort to fight off a cold. I turned to my friends on Focus on the Family's Physicians Resource Council for input on this question, and they agreed that trying to boost one's immune system is largely ineffective against colds. The runny nose and other symptoms we experience with a cold are not caused by the virus, but by its host. Our bodies naturally produce a number of chemicals to fight a cold, and those chemicals are what cause the headaches, the drippy nose and other unpleasant effects.

According to Jennifer Ackerman in her book "Ah-Choo!: The Uncommon Life of Your Common Cold" (Twelve, 2010), a runny nose and sinus headache are not signs of a weakened immune system. Rather, they're evidence that your immune system is already putting up a good fight. Trying to strengthen it with an over-the-counter concoction probably won't work. Immunity-boosting products could actually aggravate your symptoms.

The old adage is true: There's no cure for the common cold. The best advice for your daughter would probably be to wash her hands regularly, drink plenty of liquids and get lots of rest. Here's hoping that she'll be happy and healthy for her Christmas solo!

Q: My ex-husband and I divorced several years ago. Since that time, he has turned his life around. As a result, we've been dating again and I have a feeling he's going to "pop the question" on New Year's Eve. Do you think remarriage is a good idea in this case?

Dr. Greg Smalley, executive director of marriage and family formation: In a day when divorce is rampant and reconciliation is rare, a story like yours is amazing. And so, yes, we do think that remarriage is a good idea -- provided you can avoid the problems that led to your divorce in the first place.

You say your ex-husband has "turned his life around," which suggests that the divorce was primarily the result of his bad behavior. It's wonderful to hear that his attitudes have been transformed, but this doesn't mean you shouldn't proceed with caution. Change can be a slow process. In light of your history, it's important to make sure that you've seen concrete evidence of your husband's changed heart over time before you jump back into marriage. Don't set a timeline for moving forward until you're sufficiently reassured on this point.

Also, take a look at your own heart and motivations, and consider the role you may have played, however small, in the divorce. Have you sufficiently dealt with those issues? In addition, if you have children, they've already been impacted by your divorce, and you certainly don't want to make matters worse by remarrying and then splitting up again if things don't work out.

What you need most right now is the help and guidance of an experienced marriage counselor. He or she can help you both fully explore whether you're ready for remarriage and help you determine the best course of action. Try to find a counselor who is familiar with a relationship tool called "Prepare and Enrich." This test will help you and your ex-husband identify any lingering issues that you may need to address before moving ahead. Focus on the Family's Counseling Department can refer you to qualified marriage-and-family professionals in your area.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: Our holiday budget looks grim this year. How can we enjoy the Christmas season without stressing about money?

Jim: Times are tough for many families! Here's some holiday budgeting advice adapted from financial guru Ron Blue:

-- Don't spend more on Christmas than you can afford. Ideally, you should start planning your spending early in the year, setting aside money for presents. Resist the urge to put big-ticket purchases on your credit card.

-- Give something of lasting value. Kids don't need big, flashy toys. Try to come up with gift ideas that truly align with their unique interests and personalities -- things they'll use repeatedly, such as books or board games, rather than those that will be cast aside by the end of Christmas Day.

-- Do something meaningful for someone else. Some of the best gifts involve a simple investment of time. Involve the entire family in doing a good deed for a neighbor or relative.

-- Focus on spiritual, not material, things. For many, Christmas has become an excuse to worship at the altar of materialism. Even if you don't embrace Christmas as a celebration of Christ's birth, you can use it to talk with your kids about the dangers of commercialism.

-- Give something to yourself. Make a commitment to pay off debt, start an emergency fund or live within your means in the coming year.

-- Build memories. Look for opportunities to spend meaningful time with your kids during this holiday season. They'll remember these moments for the rest of their lives, long after the toys and trinkets have journeyed to the landfill.

Q: We lost our home in a fire last month. My husband and I know we have a long road to recovery, but we're especially worried about our kids. Will the trauma of this experience impact them long-term?

Leon Wirth, executive director of Parenting and Youth: We're sorry for your loss. I personally know that trauma; our family lost a house in a fire five days before Christmas when I was 10 years old. Be prepared for an emotional roller coaster as your kids deal with the aftermath. Here are some suggestions to help them heal:

-- Keep them in a routine as much as possible. Create a predictable atmosphere of normalcy, perhaps by taking a daily walk or having a regular story time.

-- Encourage your kids to be honest with their emotions. Don't let them bury their pain and fear inside. Let them know it's OK to be sad.

-- Accept your kids' emotions for what they are. Whatever reaction they're experiencing is "normal" for them. For young kids, this often takes the form of acting out. For teens, it may mean becoming more withdrawn.

-- Don't avoid discussing the loss of your home, but don't obsess about it either. Help your kids explore nonverbal ways of processing the tragedy -- such as through drawing, painting or journaling.

-- Provide your kids with opportunities to meet other kids and families who have endured similar traumas.

-- Be mindful of the way you're processing your own emotions in their presence. They'll take a lot of cues from you. It's okay for them to know you're hurting, too, but be aware that your emotions can also be misread and cause a sense of panic or despair unnecessarily.

-- If your kids are having a particularly difficult time dealing with this loss in the form of persistent and extreme mood swings, nightmares or bad behavior, don't hesitate to seek the assistance of a qualified counselor. The same goes for you and your husband. Contact Focus on the Family (www.focusonthefamily.com) for a free consultation and referral.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: I really struggle to have a positive outlook and always seem to dwell on the negative aspects of life. Is there something I can do to help me be more positive about things?

Jim: Does it sound trite and perhaps cliched to suggest that you "count your blessings" whenever you're feeling negative? Perhaps, but in all honesty, that's a good approach. In a few days, you'll likely be sitting down with family or friends to have Thanksgiving dinner. If you're like many folks, you'll spend some of that time reflecting on the blessings you've been given and expressing gratitude for the good things in life.

We would suggest that a strong antidote to negativity would be to adopt an attitude of thanksgiving throughout the year. Don't save it all for just one day!

Of course, there may be specific events or relationships in your life that are contributing to your negative feelings. We certainly wouldn't suggest that you sweep those under the rug. It's also possible that persistent, pervasive feelings of negativity could be related to clinical depression or some other physiological issue.

If you feel that might be the case, we'd encourage you to confide in a friend, a pastor or even a professional counselor. Visit focusonthefamily.com to speak with one of our staff counselors and to get a referral to a counselor in your area.

Q: My child is constantly getting in trouble for talking in class and generally being unruly. How can I help him understand that the talking is excessive and that it is important to be self-controlled?

Jim: This question is tailor-made for Focus on the Family's executive director of Parenting and Youth, Leon Wirth!

Leon: It's rare for a child who is compliant and well-behaved at home to become defiant and uncooperative in other settings. There may be a number of factors and issues contributing to your son's behavior. You didn't go into detail, but is it possible he has the same problem with disruptive behavior at home that he does at school?

If so, it's possible that he's picking up a pattern at home of others giving in to his demands and allowing him to have his way when he resists your authority. Once he's at school, he finds himself in a situation where this mode of operation no longer works for him -- where he's expected to obey adults and follow the rules. Kids used to having few limits at home usually don't like having limits set on their behavior elsewhere.

On the other hand, if your son is well-behaved at home, it's possible you've been too strict with him. His compliance at home may simply be for the sake of avoiding harsh punishment. Under this scenario, your son may not have internalized the character traits you've been attempting to teach. Once outside the home, in a less rigid environment, he may be "letting loose" and misbehaving in ways he couldn't at home.

There are other possibilities and factors to consider: the negative influence of a classmate, possible attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and so on. You alone are in a position to decide which of these hypothetical situations applies.

But as a first step, we'd encourage you to take the time to carefully self-examine your parenting practices. Whatever your style, it's important to provide a healthy balance between love and limits. Are you affirming and rewarding your child for good behavior, as well as punishing him for negative behavior? Are you helping him to develop compassion and understanding for others rather than simply adhering to a strict set of rules and regulations? A thoughtful assessment of your parenting approach may do wonders.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.