Focus on the Family

Q: My husband and I just moved to another state so he could get his MBA. Last night, he told me that he's been having an affair for a few months. He says he doesn't love me any longer, but feels obligated to stay with me. I don't have anyone here to talk with and I don't have any support, so I'm at a loss as to what I should do. Do I try to work it out with him? Should I move back home? There are so many emotions in my head, and I don't feel stable enough to make any life-changing decisions. All I have left is my faith. Please help!

Jim: We're very sorry to learn of your heartbreaking situation. At a time like this, you absolutely need a support network in place. Even though you're new in the area, we urge you to seek out a pastor or a women's church group with whom you can share your struggles.

In addition, you should enlist the help of a qualified marriage counselor. If your husband is willing to attend counseling with you, encourage him to do so. But even if he isn't, you need the input and assistance of a third party. Contact Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com) for a free consultation with a member of our counseling team and for a referral to a counselor in your area.

One thing is for certain: Continuing the affair (even if your husband technically stays married to you out of "obligation") should not be an option. You need to force a crisis and give him an ultimatum. If he wants to continue the affair, he's going to have to find someplace else to live. He has to understand that his adulterous behavior will not be allowed to continue under any circumstances. If separation is what it takes to open his eyes and stimulate some self-examination on his part, then so be it. May God grant you strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

Q: What do you think about a woman who is dating a younger man? I'm in my 30s and he is in his 20s. Do these types of marriages typically work?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There is surprisingly little research in this area. However, one study by the U.K. Office for National Statistics found that there is not a strong association between marital age difference and the likelihood of divorce.

Research aside, I think what you're really asking is, "Can this relationship work?" In my years of counseling, I have encountered many married couples who have built strong relationships despite what might be considered a significant age difference. You say you're in your 30s and he's in his 20s, but that doesn't tell me much. The difference between 28 and 31, for example, is likely to be much less significant than the difference between 39 and 21.

In the end, though, age is just a number. Some 23-year-olds have a much greater degree of maturity and character than their 40-something counterparts. If your relationship progresses and marriage enters the picture, you'll want to consider the same things with a younger man that you would with one who is similarly aged. Are you compatible in terms of beliefs, maturity and so on? Is he trustworthy?

I'd recommend that you and your boyfriend take Focus on the Family's Couple Checkup at www.family.org/couplecheckup. It's a practical, in-depth way to test your compatibility and strengthen your relationship. There are versions of the Couple Checkup for dating, engaged and married couples.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: I've never kept tight controls on my teenagers. I don't enforce strict curfews or get uptight when they come in late at night. But recently, I read an article about sexual slavery and human trafficking in our community, and it left me deeply unsettled. Am I overreacting?

Jim: Human trafficking is a terrible reality that impacts not only the developing world, but middle-class neighborhoods right here in the U.S. So yes, you need to be aware of this dark underside of contemporary culture.

At the same time, alarmist fears are helpful to no one. You don't want to scare your kids unnecessarily. Nor is it wise to convey an attitude of suspicion or distrust to your teens without good cause. Statistically, they face far greater danger from simply riding in an automobile every day than they do from the possibility of trafficking.

You know your kids best, and you're in the best position to determine whether they might be vulnerable to this kind of deception and victimization. Are they troubled in any way? Do they struggle in school? Are they slipping academically, dealing with social rejection or facing bully problems? Are they new in the neighborhood, unpopular with their classmates, insecure or low on self-esteem? If so, their innate desire for some kind of human connection could make them easy targets.

The best way to prevent this is to make sure you're building strong relationships with your kids. The family should be their primary point of connection. You can protect them against all kinds of negative outside influences by forging a bond of mutual trust. Make it clear that they can always come to you with their needs, problems and concerns.

While your first responsibility is to your own kids, it's also important for everyone to do their part to ensure their communities are safe. Keep your radar up for signs of suspicious activity in your community. If, at any point, you come across evidence that your children or anyone else you know have become caught up in human trafficking, contact local authorities or call the National Human Trafficking Hotline at 888-373-7888.

Q: My wife has "given up drinking" several times only to end up back on the bottle. She's lost her job, our household is showing signs of neglect, and the whole family is slowly going to pieces. What can I do to reverse this negative trend?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We're very sorry to learn about this painful situation. One thing is for certain: You can't navigate it alone. Your wife, especially, needs to enlist outside help to combat her addiction.

The Lighthouse Network is a clearinghouse for substance abuse referrals. People there can help you locate a facility in your area that will help your wife take some positive steps toward recovery. They can also provide information regarding the insurance companies that are prepared to work with these facilities. You can contact Lighthouse Network at 1-877-562-2565.

Another option for long-term treatment of alcoholism is the Salvation Army. This service is offered free of charge. Visit www.salvationarmyusa.org for information regarding local treatment centers. You can also find out about local Alcoholics Anonymous groups at www.aa.org.

Finally, you should think about enlisting the help of a qualified professional, not only to help your wife, but to help your entire family navigate these difficult waters. Contact Focus on the Family (focusonthefamily.com) for a free consultation with one of our staff counselors, as well as a referral to long-term counseling in your area. God bless you and your family as you go through this dark time together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

Q: Our son graduated from high school last spring and is still living at home. Should we still have a curfew for him as long as he is living under our roof, or should we just ask that he always tell us where he's going?

Jim: You didn't mention any of the specific reasons for your son living at home. Is he considering college? Is he pursuing gainful employment? These are important questions to consider.

Whatever the case, there comes a time in every child's life when he or she crosses the threshold into adulthood. Once this line is crossed, the parent-child relationship changes in some basic ways. Your child is then on the road to becoming your peer and equal rather than a dependent minor. He will be graduating into a position of self-responsibility, and his personal decisions have to be something more than a matter of simple submission to Mom and Dad's instructions. He will have to choose to act on the basis of the wisdom you've attempted to instill in him over the years and out of an awareness of his personal responsibility.

With that in mind, imposing a curfew on your son at this point might short-circuit the maturation process. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a few ground rules while he's living under your roof. Sit down with your son and let him know that he is welcome to go on living in your house, but that as an adult he will need to start assuming more adult responsibilities. This includes responsibility for personal expenses, laundry and cleaning, transportation, phone and Internet. It's also reasonable to ask that he make a weekly contribution to the grocery budget and even pay a reasonable amount of rent. All of these things will help launch him into the world of adult responsibilities.

Q: I have two stepsons and I love them, but I'm having a really hard time connecting with them. I know it's really hard for them to see their mom with someone other than their dad. Is there something I can do to build our relationships?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The joining of two families can be challenging, but it's not impossible. Here are a few things you might consider as you work to connect with your stepsons.

First and foremost, keep in mind that it's easy for an enthusiastic stepparent to come on too strong in expressing his or her excitement about the new family. This can be confusing -- even threatening -- to a child, triggering a nasty response. At such times, the stepparent needs to relax, step back, and let the relationship develop at the child's pace. If you want to forge a deeper bond with your stepsons, you're going to have to find ways to operate at their comfort levels. If you sense bitterness or resentment, don't force the issue. Just make it clear that you're ready to listen when they're able to express their emotions.

If the challenges persist, don't hesitate to enlist professional help. This isn't a sign of defeat. Rather, it's a way of demonstrating your commitment to investing in the health and vitality of your blended family. Call Focus on the Family for a free consultation with a member of our counseling team, as well as a referral to a qualified professional in your area. You should also seek out a book called "The Smart Step-Family" by Ron L. Deal, and also visit the author's website at www.smartstepfamilies.com.

Finally, remember that you're not alone! Every stepparent has to navigate these waters. If you're persistent, I'm confident that your efforts will eventually bear fruit.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.