Focus on the Family

Q: We're traveling home for Christmas and this will be our 2-year-old daughter's first flight. I'm feeling stressed and anxious about it. Can you offer any advice?

Jim: As a seasoned traveler, I have tremendous admiration for parents who navigate a cross-country flight with little ones. So does Shawna Purvis, who's a flight attendant and a friend of Focus on the Family. She's offered these helpful tips, which I'm happy to share.

-- Get online. Most airlines offer online check-in, allowing you to bypass the ticket counter. You can also research baggage policies -- while many airlines charge for luggage, some allow car seats and strollers to be checked for free.

-- Dress in layers. Climate control on planes can sometimes be a challenge. Layering allows you to shed clothes when you're too hot and bundle up when you're too cold.

-- Plan child-friendly entertainment. Visit a dollar store and buy a toy or two for each hour of travel. Your children will love getting to play with new toys, and you won't care if these inexpensive items accidentally get left behind on the airplane.

-- Bring your own amenities. Unfortunately, amenities like pillows, blankets, meals and snacks are things of the past for many airlines. If you think you or your children will want these items, plan to bring your own so your family won't be left hungry and disappointed.

-- Prepare for ear pain. Lollipops are good for plugged ears as well as little mouths that won't stop chattering.

-- Manners matter. Flight attendants are like most people. If you're positive and respectful, they'll be more likely to help you out as much as possible.

-- Ease the airport pick-up. During the holidays, the lineup of cars for the arrivals section can be a mile long. Try meeting your party at the departures area, where there is usually a lot less traffic.

Q: My mother-in-law buys me gifts that I don't like. No matter what the item, it rarely fits my tastes. I don't want to hurt her, so I pretend to like the gifts. But I don't want to be dishonest either. How should I handle this?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I appreciate your question, because this is a place most of us have been. Yes, honesty is an essential virtue. But it doesn't mean disclosing every thought or feeling floating around in our heads. (If you disagree, you may reconsider when your truthful toddler tells the big-boned lady in the checkout line that she's fat.) Before deciding to let your mother-in-law know your feelings about a particular gift, I'd strongly encourage you to carefully examine your motives and your relationship with her.

The fact that you want to avoid hurting her unnecessarily suggests your heart is right -- and that you value her more than things. So consider that while you may not be crazy about the gift, you can use the occasion to focus on and express your appreciation for the giver.

Whether you privately discuss your dissatisfaction with her gift largely depends on the strength and safety of your relationship. How long have you known her? Have you exchanged candid emotions before, and what was the response? Is she insecure or prideful in her gift giving to where criticism might be especially painful?

If you're not "there" yet, you might spend time shopping together, both to build your relationship and to become better acquainted with each other's preferences. Or, your family might consider drawing names with each person submitting a "wish list."

Building strong relationships with in-laws takes intentional thought and grace, but it's worth the effort. If we can help, don't hesitate to give our Focus counselors a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Every now and then I'll see these "man on the street" interviews on television where people's ignorance of history is on display -- and it discourages me that our culture doesn't seem to value its importance. I'd like to cultivate a deeper interest with my own kids but don't know where to start. Any ideas?

Jim: I appreciate the concern behind your question, as well as its timeliness. Today is, after all, a significant day in U.S. history: the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the United States' entry into World War II.

History is important, though sadly some have come to regard it as just a bunch of dates and events from long ago that have no relevance today. That's unfortunate because this sentiment couldn't be more misguided. As philosopher George Santayana observed, "Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I believe there's great value in history's ability to teach lessons, impart wisdom, inspire and build character.

I'd suggest you begin by exposing your kids to biographies and stories that will help them "enter the worlds" of key historical figures, as well as everyday people of the past. Who were they? What did they value? What conflicts did they confront? Was their response virtuous or villainous? As you actively engage them this way, chances are your children will see that the universality of the struggles and principles are just as applicable today.

For good material on American history, you can visit wallbuilders.com. And though we haven't yet seen it, you might consider reviewing (for appropriateness) the upcoming film "Unbroken," which tells the story of WWII hero Louis Zamperini. Focus on the Family has also produced numerous award-winning, historically based audio dramas, as well as the popular DVD series "Drive Thru History." Call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY for more information.

Q: I'm already starting to dread Christmas. My mother-in-law enjoys showering our 5-year-old son with extravagant gifts. I want to discuss it with her, but my wife says we need to graciously accept them and keep quiet. What should I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I can appreciate your concerns. As we've touched on recently here in this column, overindulging our kids can block their "gratitude receptors" and breed a sense of entitlement. And as you've discovered, the challenges become more difficult when well-intentioned or uncooperative in-laws are involved.

Given the potential long-term negative impact on your son, I'd strongly encourage you and your wife to address the issue with her mom. But before you do, you both need to discuss your individual concerns and work toward getting on the same team. It's likely your wife is feeling the same as you, but with the added burden of not wanting to confront or alienate her mother. You, on the other hand, might feel that her mom's benevolence is undermining your family's goals and values -- or that your own efforts to provide aren't adequate. It's important that you voice and understand each other's emotions before moving forward.

When the time is right, it's best if your wife has this discussion privately with her mom. But however you choose to approach the conversation, unless it's clear that your mother-in-law is deliberately defying your wishes, her motives and actions ought to be given the benefit of the doubt. Express appreciation for the love she shows your son -- and invite her to join in helping develop his character by putting limits on the gifts he receives. You might suggest a dollar amount, or perhaps alternatives for the excess such as contributions to school expenses or a college fund.

For further help and support, please give our counselors a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Question: I recently read that narcissistic behavior is on the rise, and this seems to confirm my own observations of a culture that seems to be increasingly selfish and entitled. I'm especially concerned about my children growing up with these influences. Is there anything I can do to prevent them from developing these negative traits?

Jim: According to our counselors, though a genetic predisposition to narcissism may exist, it is most commonly understood as a learned behavior.

Renowned psychologists Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend identify two parenting factors that can contribute to the development of narcissism: Parents may 1) ignore the bad behavior of their children and 2) fail to limit the grandiose perceptions of their children. Both lead to a child's unrealistic, over-exaggerated sense of worth that impacts all future relationships.

While the first few years of a child's life are usually characterized by "narcissistic thinking" (including a lack of awareness of others, an all-knowing attitude, magical thinking, insensitivity and lack of interpersonal boundaries), this should be a temporary state. For the narcissist, however, these traits continue into adulthood if he's not taught consideration of and empathy toward others, an accurate assessment of his own mistakes, anger management, boundaries and interpersonal skills.

So what can you do to prevent narcissism in your child? Consider the following:

-- Avoid anything that suggests to your child he is superior and deserves every advantage in life.

-- Allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his actions, while providing clear feedback and helping him maintain his dignity.

-- Listen well and provide a safe, respectful home and community environment.

-- Provide age-appropriate information and guidance in establishing boundaries.

-- Encourage your child to develop his potential, to thoughtfully evaluate choices and to value interpersonal relationships.

-- Affirm your child for his consistent positive and selfless behaviors.

Finally, model unconditional love while helping your child come to grips with and take responsibility for wrongdoings -- including the need to ask for and accept forgiveness.

Question: We haven't even digested our turkey from Thanksgiving, and already my son is telling me everything he has to have for Christmas. I'm afraid he's becoming self-centered and self-indulgent. Should we make an active and intentional effort to teach him the concept of self-denial?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: The answer is definitely yes. Not only for you, but for every parent. Discipline is basic to sound parenting, and you can't discipline your child without teaching self-denial.

Focus on the Family has always believed that the key to effective child discipline is in balancing love and limits. Children cannot thrive without experiencing consistent and unconditional love. But they also need -- and actually desire -- boundaries and ground rules. There is nothing contradictory about the expression of love and the enforcement of limits. In fact, they are closely related.

Allowing a child to have his way without any restraint is not an expression of love. At the other extreme, harsh, rigid or authoritarian treatment of children isn't an appropriate way to set limits. Your goal lies in between: to exercise the kind of loving guidance that helps a child grow into the sort of person who is capable of imposing limits on himself. That's what self-denial is all about.

The application of this principle will expand as your child moves through adolescence and into young adulthood. It will, for instance, directly impact his attitudes toward sexuality and his relationships with the opposite sex. It will also affect the way he views money -- how much he spends, how much he saves and how much he gives away.

Denying your son some of the things he wants may not win you any Children's Choice Awards right now, but someday he (and his own kids) will thank you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.