Focus on the Family

Q: Last month your column discussed practicing self-denial with kids and offered ways to guard them from developing narcissistic tendencies. It was helpful advice, but I'd also like to encourage my kids to be more thoughtful and aware of the needs of others. Do you have any ideas how I can do this?

Jim: The fact that you value and want to promote a lifestyle of selflessness with your children suggests that they have a pretty good chance of getting there. It's been said that "more is caught than taught" -- so if you're consistently modeling these actions and attitudes in your home, you've provided them with a great head start.

That said, it's important to actively involve your kids in the process, and there are many ripe opportunities for this during the Christmas season. Here are some ideas to consider:

-- Shovel an elderly neighbor's driveway.

-- Bake and deliver cookies to those working on Christmas Day (e.g. firefighters and police).

-- Serve meals at a local shelter.

-- Visit a nursing home to carol or read Christmas stories with residents.

-- Provide gifts to the underprivileged through projects like Operation Christmas Child.

-- Drop off baked goods to those who are homebound or hurting.

-- Invite those who don't have family to join your holiday table.

You can add your own creative ideas, I'm sure. But the key is to help your kids grasp the "why" of all this. A good way is to ask questions designed to help them reflect on how recipients of your kindnesses may be feeling and what difference your actions might make. For instance, "How would you feel if you were all alone or had to work on Christmas Day?" In doing so, you'll help them develop empathy and the capacity to recognize, understand and identify with the feelings of others -- invaluable character traits to instill in your children.

Q: Growing up, I enjoyed Christmas traditions that revolved around caroling, baking cookies, decorating a tree and helping prepare big family dinners. I'm not sure how it happened, but our family traditions have morphed into watching Christmas classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street," "White Christmas," and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" -- or other media-related activities that involve little interaction. Everyone seems to love this but me. How do I introduce a media-free Christmas?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: My answer may surprise you: Basically, you don't. Let me unpack this a bit by touching on the idea of completely eliminating TV from the home. While I'm not entirely against this step, I believe it works for relatively few families. Those that navigate "throwing out the TV" successfully do so only when all family members are on board. When it's just a top-down decision from parents, it typically backfires.

The same pitfalls exist when trying to introduce a media-free Christmas. Your observation that "everyone seems to love this but me" suggests you don't have the buy-in necessary to proceed. Not every parenting decision should be 100 percent buy-in, of course, but those such as going media-free at Christmas should rarely be dictatorial.

While I'd encourage you to preserve the traditions you enjoyed, making wholesome Christmas movies part of your family's annual experience can also be a positive thing. Many families bond by watching films like "Elf" or "It's a Wonderful Life" year after year to the point where they can playfully exchange dialogue from the film as easily as they can sing "Jingle Bells." I'd suggest that, in addition to caroling and decorating the tree, you spread a net wide enough to enjoy a few films together, too. No sense in being a Scrooge when it comes to all Christmas-related media!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We're traveling home for Christmas and this will be our 2-year-old daughter's first flight. I'm feeling stressed and anxious about it. Can you offer any advice?

Jim: As a seasoned traveler, I have tremendous admiration for parents who navigate a cross-country flight with little ones. So does Shawna Purvis, who's a flight attendant and a friend of Focus on the Family. She's offered these helpful tips, which I'm happy to share.

-- Get online. Most airlines offer online check-in, allowing you to bypass the ticket counter. You can also research baggage policies -- while many airlines charge for luggage, some allow car seats and strollers to be checked for free.

-- Dress in layers. Climate control on planes can sometimes be a challenge. Layering allows you to shed clothes when you're too hot and bundle up when you're too cold.

-- Plan child-friendly entertainment. Visit a dollar store and buy a toy or two for each hour of travel. Your children will love getting to play with new toys, and you won't care if these inexpensive items accidentally get left behind on the airplane.

-- Bring your own amenities. Unfortunately, amenities like pillows, blankets, meals and snacks are things of the past for many airlines. If you think you or your children will want these items, plan to bring your own so your family won't be left hungry and disappointed.

-- Prepare for ear pain. Lollipops are good for plugged ears as well as little mouths that won't stop chattering.

-- Manners matter. Flight attendants are like most people. If you're positive and respectful, they'll be more likely to help you out as much as possible.

-- Ease the airport pick-up. During the holidays, the lineup of cars for the arrivals section can be a mile long. Try meeting your party at the departures area, where there is usually a lot less traffic.

Q: My mother-in-law buys me gifts that I don't like. No matter what the item, it rarely fits my tastes. I don't want to hurt her, so I pretend to like the gifts. But I don't want to be dishonest either. How should I handle this?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I appreciate your question, because this is a place most of us have been. Yes, honesty is an essential virtue. But it doesn't mean disclosing every thought or feeling floating around in our heads. (If you disagree, you may reconsider when your truthful toddler tells the big-boned lady in the checkout line that she's fat.) Before deciding to let your mother-in-law know your feelings about a particular gift, I'd strongly encourage you to carefully examine your motives and your relationship with her.

The fact that you want to avoid hurting her unnecessarily suggests your heart is right -- and that you value her more than things. So consider that while you may not be crazy about the gift, you can use the occasion to focus on and express your appreciation for the giver.

Whether you privately discuss your dissatisfaction with her gift largely depends on the strength and safety of your relationship. How long have you known her? Have you exchanged candid emotions before, and what was the response? Is she insecure or prideful in her gift giving to where criticism might be especially painful?

If you're not "there" yet, you might spend time shopping together, both to build your relationship and to become better acquainted with each other's preferences. Or, your family might consider drawing names with each person submitting a "wish list."

Building strong relationships with in-laws takes intentional thought and grace, but it's worth the effort. If we can help, don't hesitate to give our Focus counselors a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Every now and then I'll see these "man on the street" interviews on television where people's ignorance of history is on display -- and it discourages me that our culture doesn't seem to value its importance. I'd like to cultivate a deeper interest with my own kids but don't know where to start. Any ideas?

Jim: I appreciate the concern behind your question, as well as its timeliness. Today is, after all, a significant day in U.S. history: the anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the United States' entry into World War II.

History is important, though sadly some have come to regard it as just a bunch of dates and events from long ago that have no relevance today. That's unfortunate because this sentiment couldn't be more misguided. As philosopher George Santayana observed, "Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I believe there's great value in history's ability to teach lessons, impart wisdom, inspire and build character.

I'd suggest you begin by exposing your kids to biographies and stories that will help them "enter the worlds" of key historical figures, as well as everyday people of the past. Who were they? What did they value? What conflicts did they confront? Was their response virtuous or villainous? As you actively engage them this way, chances are your children will see that the universality of the struggles and principles are just as applicable today.

For good material on American history, you can visit wallbuilders.com. And though we haven't yet seen it, you might consider reviewing (for appropriateness) the upcoming film "Unbroken," which tells the story of WWII hero Louis Zamperini. Focus on the Family has also produced numerous award-winning, historically based audio dramas, as well as the popular DVD series "Drive Thru History." Call us at 1-800-A-FAMILY for more information.

Q: I'm already starting to dread Christmas. My mother-in-law enjoys showering our 5-year-old son with extravagant gifts. I want to discuss it with her, but my wife says we need to graciously accept them and keep quiet. What should I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I can appreciate your concerns. As we've touched on recently here in this column, overindulging our kids can block their "gratitude receptors" and breed a sense of entitlement. And as you've discovered, the challenges become more difficult when well-intentioned or uncooperative in-laws are involved.

Given the potential long-term negative impact on your son, I'd strongly encourage you and your wife to address the issue with her mom. But before you do, you both need to discuss your individual concerns and work toward getting on the same team. It's likely your wife is feeling the same as you, but with the added burden of not wanting to confront or alienate her mother. You, on the other hand, might feel that her mom's benevolence is undermining your family's goals and values -- or that your own efforts to provide aren't adequate. It's important that you voice and understand each other's emotions before moving forward.

When the time is right, it's best if your wife has this discussion privately with her mom. But however you choose to approach the conversation, unless it's clear that your mother-in-law is deliberately defying your wishes, her motives and actions ought to be given the benefit of the doubt. Express appreciation for the love she shows your son -- and invite her to join in helping develop his character by putting limits on the gifts he receives. You might suggest a dollar amount, or perhaps alternatives for the excess such as contributions to school expenses or a college fund.

For further help and support, please give our counselors a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.