Focus on the Family

Q: What are your feelings about New Year's resolutions? Do you make them, and if so, what are some of them?

Jim: It's hard to believe we've already arrived at this time of year when we typically pause, reflect, regret, repent and resolve to make some changes. By the time the Times Square Ball falls in New York City Wednesday night, millions of Americans will have compiled their lists. And I can't say for certain, but I imagine that losing weight, getting fit and (with Christmas behind us) getting out of debt are at the top of many lists.

The truth is, we're all works in progress, and for many people New Year's resolutions can be a helpful exercise in our efforts to realize growth and positive change. Although I usually don't have a specific list every year, I do reflect on the past and set goals for the future. That's important. This season of taking personal inventory is like a much needed wheel alignment.

As I've aged, though -- and hopefully matured -- I'm learning that self-actualization and my own personal achievements bring less satisfaction and have far less impact than the development of my character and the giving of myself to others. The brilliant 18th-century theologian and evangelist Jonathan Edwards understood this, too -- and at a much younger age. First among his well-known 70 Resolutions (many written at the age of 19) is:

"Resolved, that I will do whatsoever I think to be most to the glory of God ... to do whatever I think to be my duty, and most for the good and advantage of mankind in general."

As we turn the page on 2014 and look with anticipation toward 2015, I'd encourage all of us to resolve to do the same.

Happy New Year!

Q: Our daughter and former son-in-law were married for 10 years until he left her and their two kids three years ago. Although they've divorced, he continues a relationship with her and the children. Our daughter is insistent that he join us for New Year's, otherwise none of them will come. Though I haven't told her, we'd really rather he not. Should we just cave in and let him come?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I feel for you and the difficulty of your predicament. You didn't spell out what's beneath your reluctance to have your former son-in-law come along, but you're likely wrestling with several emotions. Maybe you're still hurt and angry over the abandonment of your daughter and grandkids and the way he's treated them. Maybe you've never gotten along, or perhaps you have reservations about whether this kind of arrangement is unhealthy and potentially hurtful and confusing to the kids.

Your feelings and concerns are understandable, and the situation is less than ideal. Still, in this case, I would encourage you to defer to your daughter's assessment of things. She's been charged with the responsibility for the well-being of her kids -- that's her call -- while you have ownership of your attitude toward her former husband.

Rather than view his joining you as "caving in," consider this an opportunity to extend unconditional love to your former son-in-law, to deepen your relationship with and influence on your grandchildren, and to demonstrate respect and show your daughter how much she matters to you.

Admittedly, this won't be easy, so it's important that you and your spouse get on the same page beforehand so that you can discuss your needs and ways you can support one another when the clan's together. Please call our Focus counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357) if we can be of help.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Last month your column discussed practicing self-denial with kids and offered ways to guard them from developing narcissistic tendencies. It was helpful advice, but I'd also like to encourage my kids to be more thoughtful and aware of the needs of others. Do you have any ideas how I can do this?

Jim: The fact that you value and want to promote a lifestyle of selflessness with your children suggests that they have a pretty good chance of getting there. It's been said that "more is caught than taught" -- so if you're consistently modeling these actions and attitudes in your home, you've provided them with a great head start.

That said, it's important to actively involve your kids in the process, and there are many ripe opportunities for this during the Christmas season. Here are some ideas to consider:

-- Shovel an elderly neighbor's driveway.

-- Bake and deliver cookies to those working on Christmas Day (e.g. firefighters and police).

-- Serve meals at a local shelter.

-- Visit a nursing home to carol or read Christmas stories with residents.

-- Provide gifts to the underprivileged through projects like Operation Christmas Child.

-- Drop off baked goods to those who are homebound or hurting.

-- Invite those who don't have family to join your holiday table.

You can add your own creative ideas, I'm sure. But the key is to help your kids grasp the "why" of all this. A good way is to ask questions designed to help them reflect on how recipients of your kindnesses may be feeling and what difference your actions might make. For instance, "How would you feel if you were all alone or had to work on Christmas Day?" In doing so, you'll help them develop empathy and the capacity to recognize, understand and identify with the feelings of others -- invaluable character traits to instill in your children.

Q: Growing up, I enjoyed Christmas traditions that revolved around caroling, baking cookies, decorating a tree and helping prepare big family dinners. I'm not sure how it happened, but our family traditions have morphed into watching Christmas classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street," "White Christmas," and "A Charlie Brown Christmas" -- or other media-related activities that involve little interaction. Everyone seems to love this but me. How do I introduce a media-free Christmas?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: My answer may surprise you: Basically, you don't. Let me unpack this a bit by touching on the idea of completely eliminating TV from the home. While I'm not entirely against this step, I believe it works for relatively few families. Those that navigate "throwing out the TV" successfully do so only when all family members are on board. When it's just a top-down decision from parents, it typically backfires.

The same pitfalls exist when trying to introduce a media-free Christmas. Your observation that "everyone seems to love this but me" suggests you don't have the buy-in necessary to proceed. Not every parenting decision should be 100 percent buy-in, of course, but those such as going media-free at Christmas should rarely be dictatorial.

While I'd encourage you to preserve the traditions you enjoyed, making wholesome Christmas movies part of your family's annual experience can also be a positive thing. Many families bond by watching films like "Elf" or "It's a Wonderful Life" year after year to the point where they can playfully exchange dialogue from the film as easily as they can sing "Jingle Bells." I'd suggest that, in addition to caroling and decorating the tree, you spread a net wide enough to enjoy a few films together, too. No sense in being a Scrooge when it comes to all Christmas-related media!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We're traveling home for Christmas and this will be our 2-year-old daughter's first flight. I'm feeling stressed and anxious about it. Can you offer any advice?

Jim: As a seasoned traveler, I have tremendous admiration for parents who navigate a cross-country flight with little ones. So does Shawna Purvis, who's a flight attendant and a friend of Focus on the Family. She's offered these helpful tips, which I'm happy to share.

-- Get online. Most airlines offer online check-in, allowing you to bypass the ticket counter. You can also research baggage policies -- while many airlines charge for luggage, some allow car seats and strollers to be checked for free.

-- Dress in layers. Climate control on planes can sometimes be a challenge. Layering allows you to shed clothes when you're too hot and bundle up when you're too cold.

-- Plan child-friendly entertainment. Visit a dollar store and buy a toy or two for each hour of travel. Your children will love getting to play with new toys, and you won't care if these inexpensive items accidentally get left behind on the airplane.

-- Bring your own amenities. Unfortunately, amenities like pillows, blankets, meals and snacks are things of the past for many airlines. If you think you or your children will want these items, plan to bring your own so your family won't be left hungry and disappointed.

-- Prepare for ear pain. Lollipops are good for plugged ears as well as little mouths that won't stop chattering.

-- Manners matter. Flight attendants are like most people. If you're positive and respectful, they'll be more likely to help you out as much as possible.

-- Ease the airport pick-up. During the holidays, the lineup of cars for the arrivals section can be a mile long. Try meeting your party at the departures area, where there is usually a lot less traffic.

Q: My mother-in-law buys me gifts that I don't like. No matter what the item, it rarely fits my tastes. I don't want to hurt her, so I pretend to like the gifts. But I don't want to be dishonest either. How should I handle this?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I appreciate your question, because this is a place most of us have been. Yes, honesty is an essential virtue. But it doesn't mean disclosing every thought or feeling floating around in our heads. (If you disagree, you may reconsider when your truthful toddler tells the big-boned lady in the checkout line that she's fat.) Before deciding to let your mother-in-law know your feelings about a particular gift, I'd strongly encourage you to carefully examine your motives and your relationship with her.

The fact that you want to avoid hurting her unnecessarily suggests your heart is right -- and that you value her more than things. So consider that while you may not be crazy about the gift, you can use the occasion to focus on and express your appreciation for the giver.

Whether you privately discuss your dissatisfaction with her gift largely depends on the strength and safety of your relationship. How long have you known her? Have you exchanged candid emotions before, and what was the response? Is she insecure or prideful in her gift giving to where criticism might be especially painful?

If you're not "there" yet, you might spend time shopping together, both to build your relationship and to become better acquainted with each other's preferences. Or, your family might consider drawing names with each person submitting a "wish list."

Building strong relationships with in-laws takes intentional thought and grace, but it's worth the effort. If we can help, don't hesitate to give our Focus counselors a call.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.