Focus on the Family

Q: The pace of life has hit high gear with school now in full swing. With the kids' endless activities and homework requirements, I sometimes wonder if they should have the added burden of doing chores. What do you think?

Jim: My own feeling is that children ought to perform certain tasks around the house simply because they are part of the family. Yes, it's important for families to prioritize and manage schedules so that life isn't harried and out of balance for kids or their parents. But depriving children of the opportunity to grow through domestic contributions isn't the best place to cut corners.

Unfortunately, some parents decide it's easier to do the work themselves. That's especially true if the kids are uncooperative, and getting them involved becomes a chore all its own. My wife and I have had moments ourselves when we've wondered if it was worth all the trouble -- but we never entertain the idea for long. As parents of two young, maturing boys, we've realized that household chores represent some of the most significant opportunities to prepare them for adulthood.

For younger kids, simple tasks like picking up toys or making the bed can be an ideal way to build self-confidence. When a toddler successfully completes small jobs they're given, they feel good about themselves, and they'll want to take on even bigger challenges. That's a quality they'll need as they move through their elementary school years.

If you have an older child, you've probably encountered a different scenario. As children enter adolescence, helping Mom and Dad around the house loses its luster. Nevertheless, parents shouldn't give in to complaining too quickly. Emptying a dishwasher may seem insignificant, but even mundane tasks can help teens develop the maturity they'll need as adults to do what needs to be done.

Q: I want to be able to allow my adolescent children to watch movies other than just G-rated fare. But it seems like most of what's out there is full of language that I don't want my kids adopting as part of their lexicon or viewing as acceptable. What's your opinion regarding whether to permit teens to view a film that contains swear words, and how should I approach this with my kids?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: My book, "Plugged-In Parenting," explores this challenge in greater detail than space permits here. It's a tough question, and I'm certain my answer will be controversial among caring parents. That said, my decisions with my own kids were guided by two thoughts that you may want to keep in mind: 1) not every profanity is equally offensive, and 2) films that contain unsavory language can still be worthwhile and redeeming overall.

Consider the film "Akeelah and the Bee," an inspirational story about a young girl who overcomes great odds to make it to the Scripps National Spelling Bee. While I wish the film were totally free of profanity, it does contain one s-word. Personally, I'd let my children 12 or older see "Akeelah" and similarly uplifting motion pictures. Of course, I'd feel quite different if the same film contained a couple of f-bombs and/or misused God's name. But in my opinion, most teenagers can navigate through an occasional mild profanity -- even an s-word -- in entertainment without it becoming a stumbling block.

Ultimately, the best solution is to watch or stream films that have been edited for family viewing by such companies as ClearPlay.com. This eliminates seeing most movies in a theater, but considering how quickly films wind up on DVD, for most movies it seems worth the wait.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Should we be concerned about our son's abusive behavior? We're constantly on him about hitting his younger siblings, and lately he's also been hurting the dog.

Jim: Our counselors recommend that you first look for stressors that might be causing your son to act out in this way. Is there tension or dysfunction at home? Conflict between Mom and Dad? Recent or impending divorce? Is there trouble at school, bullies in the neighborhood, a death in the family or some other type of trauma or loss? Circumstances like these could touch off the angry, aggressive behavior that you're describing. In cases like these, it's essential to deal with the underlying cause first. Only then will it become possible to deal directly with the abusive acts that are causing you concern.

Consider whether your son's actions can be traced to outside influences. Is there another boy in the neighborhood who treats his pets cruelly? Has your son recently been exposed to a lot of violent television or video games? Are there others in his life who display abusive tendencies? Remember, children learn by imitation and often copy what they see in the world around them.

If none of these seem likely, we suggest sitting down with your son and seeing if you can get him to pinpoint a reason for the cruel treatment he's been dishing out. Don't raise your voice or blow your top. Instead, draw him out gently and question him patiently. Do your best to encourage him to talk.

We'd also encourage you to contact us at 855-771-4357 for a referral to a child psychologist or family counselor in your area. This is especially important if you feel your son's behavior indicates a pattern of abuse. Trained therapists will have many tools at their disposal that can provide you with the help you need.

Q: My wife and I have been married for six years, and overall, we have a good marriage. But her impulsive spending habits are a source of constant stress. Every month, we have the same argument when the credit card statement arrives. She cries and apologizes -- and then keeps spending! What can I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It's been said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! But it's clear from your description of what's happening in your marriage that your current strategy is in need of a different approach.

Money is a very emotional topic. People spend and save for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. So, when you and your wife have your monthly credit card confrontation, you're not just discussing dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, I'd suggest you be proactive in addressing this issue. A good place you can turn to is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. His course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you both can agree on. You can find out more information by visiting daveramsey.com. Our "Focus on Finances" web page can also equip you with additional tools and resources (focusonthefamily.com/alliances/finances.aspx).

Because financial issues involve emotions and relational tension, you may also want to enlist the help of a wise and caring marriage counselor. Yes, this requires an investment of time and expense up front. But with financial stress and disagreement consistently listed as a leading cause of divorce, it's an investment that will give your family's finances -- and your marriage -- the best chance of staying on the positive side of the ledger.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How should I respond when my son tells me that my ex-husband has been making some very critical and unkind statements about me?

Jim: I'd first encourage you to figure out whether your ex-husband is truly guilty as charged. We all know kids are capable of exaggerating or making up stories, especially if they have some motive for pitting Mom and Dad against each other. So don't jump to conclusions until you've made a serious effort to gather the facts.

If the evidence convinces you that inappropriate comments are being made, let your son know that you'll be discussing it directly with his dad. This will give you a chance to communicate with your son about the motives behind your actions.

For example, you might say, "For some time now you've been mentioning certain negative things that your father's been saying about me. I think it's important for our family that we end this kind of talk. I'm going to speak with your dad about the problem and see if we can't find a way to agree about what we will and will not say about each other. That way, if we have issues with each other, we can resolve them without bringing you into it."

The final step is to contact your ex-husband and ask if he's willing to support such a plan. Whatever the response, you can still make up your mind not to retaliate by launching verbal counterattacks. This isn't to say that you should "candy coat" his flaws for the sake of keeping the peace among the three of you. When you have legitimate concerns, you should voice them to your former husband, but you should also do your best to maintain an attitude of respect. Hopefully your child will see that your actions speak louder than your ex-husband's words.

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for almost two years. He's a great guy when we're around other people. But when we're by ourselves he can be very controlling. He gets upset if he doesn't get his way or if I don't do as he wishes. My parents tell me to stand up for myself, but that just seems to make things worse. I really love this man. How can I help him be less controlling?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: How can you help your boyfriend become less controlling? Unfortunately, you can't. While our behavior can impact and influence others, only God can change a heart.

So what should you do? You mentioned your parents have encouraged you to "stand up for yourself," and that may be good advice -- depending on what it means. It doesn't mean you can go toe-to-toe with your boyfriend as if you were confronting the class bully. That approach will get you nowhere. What's needed, rather, is for you to develop and demonstrate some self-respect. The fact that you've put up with this behavior for two years suggests that you could benefit from the support of a wise professional counselor. Don't hesitate to call us for a referral.

Standing up for yourself also means establishing some very clear boundaries with your boyfriend. If you do decide to try and continue on in a relationship -- a question I'd encourage you to give serious thought to -- you should insist that he get ongoing individual counseling for his anger and control issues. These behaviors are enormous red flags. If he's serious about his love and concern for you, he'll get the help he needs. Otherwise, you're better off without him -- doing the work you need to get healthy and trusting God for a new and better beginning.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.