Q: My son has always been very open with me, but now that he's in middle school, I can barely get him to tell me how his day went. How can this worried mom stay connected?

Jim: By the time kids enter middle school, their march toward independence is well under way. It can be a confusing time for parents -- as my wife, Jean, and I can attest, since we've been living it the past few years!

When a child spreads his wings, it can feel like he's turning his back on you instead. But that's not really the case. Your middle schooler needs you as much as he always has -- in some ways, more. He just needs you in a different way than he did in his formative years.

That requires us as parents to strike a delicate balance with our middle school children. As author Cynthia Tobias says, you have to relax your grip while never taking your hands off the wheel. If you back off too much, you'll leave them drifting and flailing. But if you lean in too hard, you'll push them away or embarrass them.

In practical terms, that means you have to lean in to your son enough to take his problems seriously. The events your middle schooler faces may seem of little consequence to you as an adult, but they can represent a teen's whole life. So don't minimize their adolescent struggles. At the same time, you have to relax your grip and not force solutions on them too quickly.

As one middle school student put it, "Don't be an 800-pound gorilla." Instead, listen closely to their heart, not just their words, and help them discover an answer.

Q: What's your opinion of the use of hypnosis in therapy? Is this really a legitimate clinical tool? Are there any spiritual dangers associated with this practice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We realize that hypnosis raises concerns in the minds of some people. For our part, we see no reason to regard it as "evil" or "dangerous" in and of itself. In actuality, there's little or no basis for most of the popular fears associated with this technique. It's not true, for instance, that a hypnotist can gain control or mastery of another person's will. In fact, some experts are skeptical about hypnosis's effectiveness in exerting any kind of influence over its subject. That's one of the reasons we have reservations about recommending its use.

Used ethically and responsibly, hypnosis is a method of inducing relaxation as a way of releasing the subject's subconscious mind in an attempt to open the door to deeper personal insight. Under the careful supervision of a responsible and well-qualified professional, it can sometimes be beneficial. Before submitting to hypnosis, however, it's critical to know the administering therapist and to be familiar with his or her credentials, background, worldview, value system and personal beliefs.

In the wrong hands, hypnosis has the potential to create confusion and to cause more problems than it resolves. It's also important to add that hypnosis, like any other therapeutic technique, should be rejected out of hand if it takes on questionable spiritual overtones.

If you have additional questions or would like to discuss your concerns at greater length with a member of our staff, feel free call our Focus on the Family Counseling Department. Our counselors are available to speak with you Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. (MST) at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I have been married a little over two years, and we're really struggling with balancing our differences. We want to work as a team, but I think we're each afraid of losing our own identity in the process. How can we reach a happy medium?

Jim: There's no doubt about it: Marriage is a paradox. Consider that for a relationship to be successful, couples have to limit their independence. But at the same time, they have to thrive as individuals.

A good marriage takes the active involvement of two people -- the husband and the wife. On your own, you may have all the talent you need to be a roaring success in your career. But, in marriage, unless you work together with your spouse, your relationship is going to flounder. When two people each let go of some of their personal ambitions for the sake of the relationship, the bond between them will strengthen.

But that's just one side of the coin. The other is that the more connected you and your spouse become, the more important it is that you grow as individuals. Why? Because a healthy marriage consists of two unique people who can stand on their own. Entering marriage doesn't mean you suddenly stop being who you are. It's just the opposite. You bring yourself into your marriage, so it's important to become the best "you" you can be. As a matter of fact, it's those differences that help make a good marriage truly great.

So, should your marriage bring you and your spouse together as one? Or should the two of you be strong individuals? The answer is "yes"! That's the paradox of marriage. (FocusOnTheFamily.com offers plenty of resources to help you grow and thrive in both ways.)

Q: My son just started middle school, and he's hearing all sorts of new (to us) music that his friends and peers are listening to. I've gone online to check a couple of the artists he's mentioned, and I'm shocked by their lyrics. What can we do?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: First, let me commend you for not dismissing your concerns as simply a part of a child's growing-up. Studies have consistently shown that lyrical messages can strongly influence the lives of young people.

As for a strategy going forward, here's what I suggest. Call a family meeting, the sole purpose of which is to establish a clear policy regarding entertainment. Many parents don't feel the need to verbally articulate boundaries regarding what's acceptable and what is out of bounds. But trust me, modeling by itself isn't enough. When our children were young, our family went a step further and put our commitment in writing. After each of us signed it, we posted a copy in a visible place in our home.

It won't take much time to write up your own "family media constitution." The main point behind your efforts is to establish clear guidelines so there are no misunderstandings going forward. You may want to begin with: "Knowing the power of the media to influence our thoughts, behaviors and actions, we as a family commit to consuming movies, TV, videogames and music that are inspiring, encouraging and uplifting."

Once your family standard has been adopted and everyone understands the boundaries, it's likely that smartphones, tablets, etc. will need to be purged. I'd also encourage you to revisit this conversation and convene a family meeting at least twice a year to gauge your children's interest in all things media and evaluate their commitment to adhering to the family standard.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: The pace of life has hit high gear with school now in full swing. With the kids' endless activities and homework requirements, I sometimes wonder if they should have the added burden of doing chores. What do you think?

Jim: My own feeling is that children ought to perform certain tasks around the house simply because they are part of the family. Yes, it's important for families to prioritize and manage schedules so that life isn't harried and out of balance for kids or their parents. But depriving children of the opportunity to grow through domestic contributions isn't the best place to cut corners.

Unfortunately, some parents decide it's easier to do the work themselves. That's especially true if the kids are uncooperative, and getting them involved becomes a chore all its own. My wife and I have had moments ourselves when we've wondered if it was worth all the trouble -- but we never entertain the idea for long. As parents of two young, maturing boys, we've realized that household chores represent some of the most significant opportunities to prepare them for adulthood.

For younger kids, simple tasks like picking up toys or making the bed can be an ideal way to build self-confidence. When a toddler successfully completes small jobs they're given, they feel good about themselves, and they'll want to take on even bigger challenges. That's a quality they'll need as they move through their elementary school years.

If you have an older child, you've probably encountered a different scenario. As children enter adolescence, helping Mom and Dad around the house loses its luster. Nevertheless, parents shouldn't give in to complaining too quickly. Emptying a dishwasher may seem insignificant, but even mundane tasks can help teens develop the maturity they'll need as adults to do what needs to be done.

Q: I want to be able to allow my adolescent children to watch movies other than just G-rated fare. But it seems like most of what's out there is full of language that I don't want my kids adopting as part of their lexicon or viewing as acceptable. What's your opinion regarding whether to permit teens to view a film that contains swear words, and how should I approach this with my kids?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: My book, "Plugged-In Parenting," explores this challenge in greater detail than space permits here. It's a tough question, and I'm certain my answer will be controversial among caring parents. That said, my decisions with my own kids were guided by two thoughts that you may want to keep in mind: 1) not every profanity is equally offensive, and 2) films that contain unsavory language can still be worthwhile and redeeming overall.

Consider the film "Akeelah and the Bee," an inspirational story about a young girl who overcomes great odds to make it to the Scripps National Spelling Bee. While I wish the film were totally free of profanity, it does contain one s-word. Personally, I'd let my children 12 or older see "Akeelah" and similarly uplifting motion pictures. Of course, I'd feel quite different if the same film contained a couple of f-bombs and/or misused God's name. But in my opinion, most teenagers can navigate through an occasional mild profanity -- even an s-word -- in entertainment without it becoming a stumbling block.

Ultimately, the best solution is to watch or stream films that have been edited for family viewing by such companies as ClearPlay.com. This eliminates seeing most movies in a theater, but considering how quickly films wind up on DVD, for most movies it seems worth the wait.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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