Focus on the Family

Q: My husband recently ended an affair, and we're working toward reconciliation. While I believe he's truly sorry, the question of getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STI) and diseases hasn't been raised. Is this something he should do?

Jim: Absolutely! Both of you should get tested as soon as possible. And for many reasons.

The obvious concern is that if an STI has been contracted, this could have huge implications for your health, as well as the sexual dimension of your relationship. This is of special importance to you, since some of these diseases can lie dormant in a woman's body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms. It's critical to bring the facts to light as soon as possible to avoid potential further damage.

Also, when marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for and accept the consequences of his actions. These consequences can be physical and medical as well as emotional and psychological. You can't expect to put your marriage wholly back together unless your husband is prepared to deal with all of them.

That said, the physical and sexual repercussions might be the least important aspects of an affair's aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater consequence and can be more difficult to resolve.

If you haven't yet, I highly recommend that you and your husband initiate a rigorous course of therapy with a trained and qualified counselor. Our own licensed counselors would be happy to speak with you (855-771-4357) and put you in touch with a local marriage therapist who can uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and guide you through the reconciliation and healing process.

Q: Our 4-year-old little girl has a charming personality, and everyone has doted on her since she was born. She loves being the center of attention and will "perform" on cue if given the opportunity. She's very cute, but I'm not sure this is entirely healthy. Any advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'm sure she's a delight, but you're wise to take inventory of the situation. At this stage of the game it's fun for everyone, but the danger is that she'll grow up believing that her value as a person is based on her cuteness and her performance, not on her character.

While she's still young and impressionable, you'll want to encourage her to develop solid character traits. We suggest you make a conscious effort to praise her whenever she displays positive behaviors such as kindness, patience, selflessness, humility, gentleness, generosity and self-control. You should also model these same qualities for her and look for "teachable moments" to talk about why these things are important. It would also be a good idea to come alongside her to show her how to serve others, whether that means caring for a neighbor's pet when they're on vacation or donating some of her toys to a local homeless shelter.

It's worth mentioning that the "misplaced values" syndrome can easily extend beyond the preschool years. In fact, it only becomes more damaging as a child moves into the elementary grades, junior high and high school. Far too many parents today push their kids to make the honor roll, play on the championship soccer team, make the cheerleading squad or get into a top college. These things aren't bad in and of themselves, of course. The problem is when they become our chief goal in life. It's far better to help our children develop character traits that will last a lifetime.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: As a divorced single mom, what can I do about my young child's resistance to my efforts to develop relationships with men and to have a social life outside the home? My son simply doesn't like to "share" me with anyone else. He disliked my last boyfriend so much that I was forced to end the relationship.

Jim: In speaking with single parents about dating, we usually suggest that they don't involve their children in the process until the relationship is well established and the couple is seriously considering marriage. Otherwise, the child may get accustomed to his parent's dating partner and begin to form an attachment -- and then the relationship ends, resulting in yet another experience of significant loss in the child's life.

Here's what we'd advise: The next time you become involved in a romantic relationship, don't push your son to get to know your boyfriend until the two of you are sure that you're moving toward engagement and marriage. At that point, have a heart-to-heart talk with your boy. Assure him of your love and commitment to him, and that you realize no one could ever replace his dad. Explain that you don't expect your boyfriend to be his father, but that because you love this man very much, you want him to have a place in the family.

Take it slow. Introduce your child to the new relationship gradually. Don't expect instant bonding, and don't pressure your son and your boyfriend to become instant buddies. You might start by including your boyfriend in some activities that your son enjoys.

Above all, carefully consider whether the man you're dating has what it takes to become a positive influence in your child's life. Your son is your primary responsibility, and it's critical that you determine whether your romantic interest has the depth of character to become a good stepparent.

Q: Should we let our kids participate in Halloween by going trick-or-treating and attending costume parties? We have serious problems with many of the darker elements associated with the day, but the other families in our neighborhood go all out in celebrating it. Our kids feel left out if we don't allow them to join in. What do you think we should do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: To be honest with you, we have mixed feelings about Halloween. Like you, we're uncomfortable with certain aspects of this holiday, including its traditional emphasis on evil and the occult.

On the other hand, certain features of the modern observance of Halloween strike us as being nothing but harmless fun. Children love dressing up, and we see no reason to stop them as long as their costumes are tasteful and non-occult in theme. They also enjoy getting candy and goodies from the neighbors (who wouldn't?) and showing off their outfits from door to door. From our perspective, there's nothing objectionable about this part of Halloween. It's hard to imagine a more innocent or childlike activity than trick-or-treating. This assumes, of course, that parents take precautions to provide for safe and reliable supervision before allowing their children to participate.

This isn't to say that we don't understand your feelings. On the contrary, we sympathize with and respect your concerns, and acknowledge that this topic is highly controversial among some parents. For this reason, we won't presume to tell you how to handle the problem of Halloween in your home. These thoughts are offered purely as another perspective that you may want to consider. Ultimately, we'd encourage you to stay true to your own convictions and do what you think is best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My spouse and I are seriously considering adopting a child, but we haven't yet decided whether to make it an "open" or a "closed" arrangement. What would you recommend?

Jim: There are advantages and disadvantages to both closed and open adoption arrangements. On the one hand, open records may prove extremely helpful to the adopted child once he reaches adolescence and young adulthood. At that stage, he is likely to be grappling with questions about his own identity, origins and direction in life. Practical matters, such as having access to a child's family medical history, may be points to consider as well.

On the other hand, while open adoption may be advantageous in certain circumstances, some families have legitimate reasons of their own to be concerned about it. For example, although an open arrangement may be beneficial during the latter part of a child's growth and development, it can also be extremely harmful earlier on in those instances where the birth mother has unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. There is great potential for emotional damage to a young child who is establishing one parental relationship, while simultaneously being influenced and affected by the presence of another "mother" on the scene. A great deal of conflict and confusion can be avoided if the book is left closed until later in the child's life.

If an open relationship has been agreed to, it's critical that the birth parents understand and respect that the adoptive parents reserve all parental rights to do what they believe to be in the child's best interests.

For further insight into the pros and cons of this debate, I'd encourage you to get a copy of "Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family: Real-Life Solutions to Common Challenges" by David and Renee Sanford.

Q: I've been burned too many times to count by films I thought would be worthwhile and positive for my children. It's to the point where I just want someone to tell me what to see and what not to see. I trust you and the reviews posted on your Plugged In website. But I don't always have time to read every individual review, much less preview everything I think may be appropriate. Where can I find a list of recommended films on your website?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: First, thank you for your trust. That means a lot to us. It might be tempting to assume the role of the media police, who bark out, "Go see this one!" and "Don't watch that one!" But there are a number of reasons we prefer to explain the positives and negatives of each movie, rather than give the stereotypical thumbs up or down.

Chief among them is that we aspire to help every family member become discerning, or what I like to call "media savvy." That "virtue" can't be acquired by simply going off of someone else's judgment. It takes digging into the material with a deep desire to know where to draw the line and then passing along that skill to your children. So, please consider reading the reviews, and, when they're age-appropriate, have your children read our complete movie reviews whenever possible.

That said, years ago I wrote a piece for our blog that highlighted 30 of my then-favorite movies (pluggedin.focusonthefamily.com/a-few-of-my-favorite-things). In addition, our online web reviews can be sorted by our numeric family-friendly rating. This option allows you to search for all movies that we've given a 4, 4.5 or a perfect score. That can help in a pinch.

But again, our best recommendation is that you train your children on how to be discerning, rather than just take someone else's word for it.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.