Focus on the Family

Q: How can we tell if a baby sitter has acted inappropriately with our kids? We're concerned that our baby sitter may have abused our child.

Jim: I feel for you in this difficult and uncertain situation. According to our counselors at Focus on the Family, how you should approach it and what you should be looking for depends on the age of your child. But generally speaking, you should keep an eye out for noticeable shifts in normal behavior.

Youngsters in elementary grades who have been subjected to some kind of abuse may exhibit signs of regression -- for example, thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, baby-talk or academic setbacks. In some cases they can become aggressive, while in others they disconnect and lose themselves in a daydreamlike world of their own.

A child who's been sexually abused may begin to act out sexually with siblings or other children in the neighborhood, or become obsessed with sexual self-stimulation. In other instances, he or she may turn abnormally secretive or quiet. If your child seems to be afraid of the baby sitter, this is a good indication that something isn't right. On the other hand, if he or she is strangely eager or anxious to have the baby sitter return, it would probably be a good idea to find out why. Blood in your child's underpants might also be a sign that sexual abuse has occurred.

With smaller children, watch for signs of injury or irritation of the genital area, and have your child examined by their doctor if you discover any inexplicable irregularities. Also observe for nighttime restlessness, nightmares and disruptions in established sleep patterns. Monitor your child's daily activities and ask yourself whether his or her mental, emotional or physical equilibrium seems to be thrown off in any way.

Try to remember how your young child reacted the last time the baby sitter came to your house. Do you recall he or she acting agitated or upset while in the baby sitter's arms or under the baby sitter's care? If so, the situation may require further investigation. (By the way, we strongly suggest that Moms and Dads avoid using baby sitters other than a trusted family member until a child is sufficiently verbal to tell them what goes on during their absence.)

Older kids who might be reluctant to talk about a traumatic experience can sometimes be encouraged to open up if you take an indirect approach. The key is to keep the conversation as relaxed, informal and low-key as possible. Wait until your child is involved in some other activity, or helping you with simple chores like raking the leaves or washing the car. As the situation permits, turn the discussion gently and unobtrusively in the direction of the baby sitter. Ask open-ended questions like, "What do you think of ...?" Avoid "leading" or manipulative queries designed to elicit a particular response (for example, "Has ... ever done anything to make you feel uncomfortable?") Let the information emerge naturally.

If you need help, don't hesitate to engage the services of a trained child play therapist. Our staff of licensed counselors is also available to speak with you and provide you with a local referral. You can reach one of them for a free consultation Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. MST at 855-771-HELP (4357). Your police department or sheriff's office can also be a helpful resource, as can the Department of Child Protective Services.

If at any point you become convinced that abuse has occurred, contact the Social Services Department and/or your local sheriff's office immediately. You owe it to your child -- and to any other children in the area who may have had contact with this baby sitter -- to take appropriate action without delay.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Is the quality of time I spend with my children more important than the quantity?

Jim: The truth is that both are essential to a child's development and well-being. In fact, the more involved parents are with their children -- and the word "more" here is used with direct reference to the concept of quantity -- the less likely kids are to have social, emotional or academic problems, use drugs or alcohol, become involved in crime or engage in premarital sex.

It's also worth pointing out that while being intentional with our kids is important, it's not always possible to plan meaningful interactions between parent and child. Such serendipitous moments can't be cooked up and crammed into a few minutes of "quality time" every day. Many critical opportunities to make memories, model values or connect are fleeting and will be gone in the blink of an eye. You can't seize the moment if you're not there to do the seizing. To regularly capture those moments requires spending lots of "quantity" time together.

One of the easiest ways to make this happen is to turn off the TV and disconnect electronic devices when you're home. Instead of watching TV or surfing the Web, read together, play board games, take a walk to a local park or sit and talk.

Finally, avoid the temptation to get your kids overly involved in activities outside the home. Some parents feel pressure to sign their children up for numerous sports teams, music and dance lessons, social clubs and all kinds of community organizations. Don't fall prey to this mindset. Kids don't need a dozen different weekly activities. They need quality and quantity time with loving, involved and committed parents.

Q: Do you have any advice for a new mom who's leaving a high-profile career to devote herself to parenting and managing a home full-time? What can I do to make this change as smooth as possible for my family and me?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Congratulations on this exciting new venture! Molding little lives is a calling of great worth. Having made the courageous decision to go "all in," you should check out these few tips to help ease the transition:

-- Prepare, prepare, prepare. Read as much as you can on child development and the relationship between mothers and children. This is particularly important for women who may have had a difficult childhood or a strained relationship with their own mothers.

-- Talk to other women who have made the transition from full-time work to full-time mom. There are women out there who need you as much as you need them. Get to know them and ask them about their struggles and their successes. You'll be surprised at the wisdom you can glean from the experiences of others.

-- Develop a social support network. Community- and church-based mother-child programs can give stay-at-home moms the support they need. Join a "Mommy and Me" group or a local chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers).

-- Communicate clearly with your spouse about roles and expectations. Husbands of stay-at-home mothers play a crucial role besides that of being the primary breadwinner. Sit down with your husband and discuss how the situation in your home is likely to change once you leave the workplace. Make sure that the two of you are on the same page. And take time to nurture your "couple relationship" and keep the flame of romance alive.

Remember to take things one day at a time. What works for someone else might not work for you. But it's not about perfection -- it's about loving, laughing and learning together as you build your family.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband recently ended an affair, and we're working toward reconciliation. While I believe he's truly sorry, the question of getting tested for sexually transmitted infections (STI) and diseases hasn't been raised. Is this something he should do?

Jim: Absolutely! Both of you should get tested as soon as possible. And for many reasons.

The obvious concern is that if an STI has been contracted, this could have huge implications for your health, as well as the sexual dimension of your relationship. This is of special importance to you, since some of these diseases can lie dormant in a woman's body for a long time before manifesting any symptoms. It's critical to bring the facts to light as soon as possible to avoid potential further damage.

Also, when marital unfaithfulness has occurred, one of the most important elements of the reconciliation process is a willingness on the part of the offending spouse to take responsibility for and accept the consequences of his actions. These consequences can be physical and medical as well as emotional and psychological. You can't expect to put your marriage wholly back together unless your husband is prepared to deal with all of them.

That said, the physical and sexual repercussions might be the least important aspects of an affair's aftermath. The emotional and psychological sides of the problem are often of far greater consequence and can be more difficult to resolve.

If you haven't yet, I highly recommend that you and your husband initiate a rigorous course of therapy with a trained and qualified counselor. Our own licensed counselors would be happy to speak with you (855-771-4357) and put you in touch with a local marriage therapist who can uncover any unresolved issues in your relationship and guide you through the reconciliation and healing process.

Q: Our 4-year-old little girl has a charming personality, and everyone has doted on her since she was born. She loves being the center of attention and will "perform" on cue if given the opportunity. She's very cute, but I'm not sure this is entirely healthy. Any advice?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I'm sure she's a delight, but you're wise to take inventory of the situation. At this stage of the game it's fun for everyone, but the danger is that she'll grow up believing that her value as a person is based on her cuteness and her performance, not on her character.

While she's still young and impressionable, you'll want to encourage her to develop solid character traits. We suggest you make a conscious effort to praise her whenever she displays positive behaviors such as kindness, patience, selflessness, humility, gentleness, generosity and self-control. You should also model these same qualities for her and look for "teachable moments" to talk about why these things are important. It would also be a good idea to come alongside her to show her how to serve others, whether that means caring for a neighbor's pet when they're on vacation or donating some of her toys to a local homeless shelter.

It's worth mentioning that the "misplaced values" syndrome can easily extend beyond the preschool years. In fact, it only becomes more damaging as a child moves into the elementary grades, junior high and high school. Far too many parents today push their kids to make the honor roll, play on the championship soccer team, make the cheerleading squad or get into a top college. These things aren't bad in and of themselves, of course. The problem is when they become our chief goal in life. It's far better to help our children develop character traits that will last a lifetime.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.