Focus on the Family

Q: My wife and I were both varsity athletes in college, and we're very competitive. Our 6-year-old twins want to start playing soccer this summer. We're all for it, but we want to make sure that we maintain a healthy family perspective about competition. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I can relate -- my athletic career was everything to me until an injury cut it short prior to college. I'm a competitive guy myself, so I've had to temper my approach with my own sons.

It's bad news when a youth sporting event disintegrates into poor sportsmanship, yelling and even fistfights. It's even worse when it's the parents' behavior in question. We've all heard stories about adult behavior at children's sporting events that leaves us shaking our heads. Fortunately, most parents wouldn't dream of acting out violently. But it's not just extreme cases that take the fun out of youth sports. Yelling at coaches, officials and players, or criticizing your child's performance, can be humiliating for all concerned.

If you're one of those moms or dads who experiences soaring blood pressure while sitting in the stands, keep perspective on what's really important. Winning isn't everything, and a child's bad game isn't the end of the world. There are many positive character traits they can develop through sports, even if they aren't the best player. They may decide they'd rather do something else, and that's OK. (These days, my older son leans toward science and chess.)

Tell your kids that you're proud of them regardless of whether they win or lose -- and really mean it! And treat everyone connected with the game with respect. The way you handle yourself when you disagree with a referee's call or a coach's decision will teach your child how to act as well. When moms and dads are team players and good sports, everyone wins.

Q: We have three kids (ages 8, 11 and 15) and want them to learn personal responsibility while earning their own money. At what age do you recommend that a child start a summer job?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: First of all, make sure to check applicable child labor laws -- state regulations vary concerning when kids can formally go to work, what kind of jobs they can perform, and how many hours they can work each day/week. Beyond that, the child's age is less important than his or her level of maturity, and your reasons for encouraging summer employment.

Practically speaking, teenagers may need to work in order to help defray education-related expenses or meet personal financial needs -- auto insurance, gas money or cellphone bills. In the case of younger children, you're probably thinking more about teaching discipline, responsibility and the rewards of hard work.

Since kids aren't developmentally ready to grasp these concepts until the mid- to late-elementary grades, I suggest waiting until they're between ages 8 and 10 before giving them a summer job of some kind at home -- vacuuming and dusting, for instance, or watering and weeding the garden. As they get older, it's good to have them transition to working for someone else. The benefits in terms of learning how to live in a responsible manner -- to be on time, to work carefully and efficiently, to take instruction from other authorities, to manage the money they earn and so on -- are simply incalculable.

There may be circumstances under which other activities would take priority -- for example, a planned mission trip, summer school, participation in sports or an extended family vacation. In other words, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that children work at all costs. But on the whole, I think the benefits of holding a summer job far outweigh any potential negatives.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: It seems like every year we look forward to a summer vacation, but it somehow always falls flat and we come home tired and disappointed. How can we change that this year?

Jim: Researchers in the Netherlands set out to measure the effect of vacations on someone's overall happiness. They also wanted to figure out how long the feeling of euphoria lasted. Believe it or not, the largest surge in happiness occurred before the person even left on vacation. In other words, most of us enjoy looking forward to the trip more than actually taking it. Anticipation is often better than realization.

Speaking as a dad of two sons, my most stressful moments are at the airport when we're headed to the vacation. I'm telling the boys to "stay off of that," "don't touch that" or "get off the people-mover." They're just having fun, while I'm frustrated. But the tables turn when we get to the hotel and they find that the pool's been drained -- and then they're frustrated too.

Interestingly enough, there was one caveat within the study I mentioned. If people really and truly relaxed while on vacation, they were just as happy before, during and after the trip.

What's the lesson? You've heard the line in sports: go big or go home. When it comes to taking a vacation, you might try that same logic. Actually "vacate" -- don't try to go on vacation and still work, too. Build plenty of margin into your time away and don't overschedule. Leave some down time and room for spontaneity, and you'll probably be more "up" when you get home.

Q: Our son is turning 10 this month. Many of his friends have had super-extravagant birthday parties with some really pricey gifts. We're not trying to go cheap, but we want to do something that focuses on celebrating him rather than fixating on over-the-top festivities and presents. Any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: That's a great way to approach a birthday! Every year of life is a thing to celebrate. If you can direct the celebration toward your son and not make it all about the party, you can make birthdays an opportunity to communicate special value to your child.

Please don't misunderstand me –- I'm not against parties! Taking your son and a few friends to laser tag, a trampoline park or other play places can be a fantastic way to make birthdays fun and memorable. But if his birthday is also a time when your son is reminded of his worth and is encouraged to make strides in character development, you can make an impression that may yield positive results for the rest of his life.

There are lots of simple things you can do toward this end. You may wish to write your son a letter describing his positive qualities and encouraging him to use those in serving others. You can even ask everyone in your family to write a letter about his good traits, then read those notes aloud.

You can choose a character trait that would be appropriate for your son to work on in the coming year of his life, and plan interesting and fun ways to encourage him in his development. Character traits may include responsibility, generosity, kindness –- the list is practically limitless.

Note: This is not the time to point out faults and flaws or try to "fix" your son. This is about giving encouragement and love with no strings attached. I'm sure it will be a memorable time of celebration and affirmation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our two teenagers -- brother and sister -- both seem to get overwhelmed when they're assigned tasks at home or school. They start projects, but don't finish them. Do you have any advice?

Jim: There's a great quote attributed to Mark Twain: "The secret to getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex, overwhelming tasks into small, manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."

I like to use a story to illustrate how to achieve what may seem like an impossible goal, by breaking it down into smaller steps. In 1848, a suspension bridge was scheduled to be built near Niagara Falls, connecting the United States with Canada. The engineers faced a daunting challenge: How were they to get the bridge's first cables across the 800-foot river gorge? The water was too swift and dangerous to pull their lines across by boat.

Their solution was clever. A teenager, Homan Walsh, flew a kite from the Canadian side until it landed on the American side. With this accomplished, the thin kite string was used to pull a slightly thicker rope across the river. Then that rope pulled an even stronger one across. Repeating this method, the engineers were soon able to pull the first steel cable from shore to shore, and the bridge's construction was underway.

Teenagers (and really, all of us) can easily become overwhelmed when facing a large project. But by remembering to "fly a kite," they'll learn how to break assignments into more manageable pieces -- and accomplish more than they ever dreamed.

Q: How can I get my husband to help keep the house clean? I never noticed that he was messy before we were married. Since I'm the one who likes the house clean and orderly, I'm the one who picks up after him and does all the housework. I'm getting tired of it. What should I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This is actually a fairly common problem. When you and your spouse fell in love, you weren't thinking about housework. Now that you're married, it's a whole different ball game.

If your relationship is to thrive, you'll have to find a mutually satisfactory way to manage this aspect of your life together. It may help to remember that, to a certain extent, this is a question of conflicting personalities. Creative types, for instance, are often less concerned about neatness than people who take a more left-brained approach to life.

Ultimately, nobody can change another person. The only person you can change is yourself. But you can make positive alterations in your living situation and your relationship if you're willing to approach the problem with patience, understanding and lots of love. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

-- Be upfront and honest. Assume ownership of your feelings, then voice them candidly and respectfully. Approach the situation as equal partners with the goal of working out an arrangement that's acceptable to both of you.

-- Don't attack your mate. Confront the problem; don't belittle the person.

-- Encourage growth. When you see positive progress taking place, offer praise for your mate's efforts.

-- Recognize that change takes time. Be patient, and let your spouse know that you're in this together for the long haul.

As you go through this process, try to view it as an opportunity for cooperation rather than conflict. A key to the challenge of marriage is striving to understand each other and seeking to meet each other's needs. This is a great area in which to put these principles into practice.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.