Focus on the Family

Q: My job basically consumes me. I feel completely frazzled most of the time, but even taking a day off occasionally doesn't seem to help. What can I do?

Jim: A few summers ago, I crashed my motorcycle and broke my ankle. I canceled trips and hunkered down at home, grateful for the extra time with family. But there was one event I didn't cancel, and it taught me a valuable lesson.

Just a day into my convalescence, I was scheduled to tape a radio program with a guest who had come from out of town. He graciously offered to reschedule, but I insisted we keep our plans. Ironically, the guest was a doctor who now makes his living encouraging people to slow down and build margin into their lives.

I realized that I had been guilty of the very thing he was urging our listeners not to do -- and if not for the accident, probably still would be!

The challenge of maintaining a healthy work/life balance, especially in a down economy, is a big problem. Add to the mix the fact that technology allows us to work anywhere, we now tend to work everywhere -- and at any time. I have to admit that I'm guilty of answering emails at all hours. I justify it by rationalizing that doing work now will save work later -- but somehow, come later, there is always more work to be done!

Public speaking experts customize their advice to the client, but as a general rule of thumb, they always say that however slow you think you're speaking, you should probably speak even slower. The same is true with life. Slow it down and take an extended break. You won't regret it.

Q: I sometimes find myself conflicted when it comes to music, movies and other forms of entertainment. My main struggle has to do with certain creative artists who embrace values and lifestyles with which I strongly disagree. Even in cases where they perform or are part of something positive and redeeming, I still feel obligated to refuse supporting them with my money or expose my impressionable children to their influence. What's the right thing to do?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: Back in 2005, a wonderful movie ("End of the Spear") was released about five young missionaries to Ecuador who were martyred in 1956. Although too violent for younger viewers, the film had all the right elements for teens on up. It was uplifting and encouraging and had the power to motivate people to similarly, and selflessly, serve others.

However, after the film was made, several called for a boycott because, as you said, one of the actors "embraced values and lifestyles with which (those calling for the boycott) strongly disagree(d)." I, too, disagreed with that person's values and lifestyle. But I feel every entertainment product should be evaluated upon its message(s) solely and not the behaviors of the singer, actor, video game maker, etc.

If one eliminates all entertainment based upon the actions of those involved, how far down the list do you go? You might skip a movie over its headline actor, but do you refuse to watch if someone in a scene's background has made poor moral choices? What about the men and women behind the cameras? Or those in charge of lighting? Caterers? Set-builders? The point is, it's impossible to know everything.

A better standard is to let every song, TV show, movie, video game, etc. stand or fall on its own moral merits (or lack thereof). Every form of entertainment has a message, intentional or unintentional. When the message is uplifting and inspiring, celebrate it even if the messenger is flawed (as all of us are to some degree!).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I are expecting our first child (a boy). We want to raise him to be kind and respectful, but as we watch other parents we're beginning to realize that it might be easier said than done. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I think most moms and dads would agree that raising children looks easy before you're a parent. Teaching kids to be polite and to think of others is a journey, so we need to stay engaged for the long haul.

Author Jill Rigby Garner, an accomplished speaker and advocate for promoting manners and respect in society, says there are three styles of parenting -- two to avoid and one to embrace wholeheartedly.

The first to avoid is parent-centered parenting. This is when Mom and Dad put their own interests ahead of their children's -- or even try to live vicariously through their kids. Maybe Dad didn't make the football team, or Mom didn't make the cheerleading squad. Now they're determined to see their child succeed in those areas, whether that's their child's interest or not.

The second style to avoid is child-centered parenting. This is when parents allow the home to revolve around the children, who get anything they want. That puts parents in a subservient role to their kids. And it certainly doesn't teach a child to be kind to others and put them first; just the opposite, in fact.

The style of parenting that we should all be striving for is character-centered parenting. This is the parent who says "yes" or "no" based not on what will pacify their children, but upon the desire to help them develop positive traits and respect for other people. That's a lofty goal and, as I said, it's a journey parents have to be prepared to stay engaged in for the long haul. We have plenty of resources to help at focusonthefamily.com.

Q: Why does my wife always want me to talk to her? When I'm tired and just want to relax, she launches into an emotional outburst about how we don't "communicate" the way we used to. I have to leave the house to get any peace and quiet. Why can I do to make her understand?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: It's not unusual to find that spouses differ radically when it comes to their needs and desires for verbal communication. That's partly due to gender; most women have a far greater stock of words than do their husbands. It can also be a matter of individual temperament and personality. Opposites attract, which is all well and good until the honeymoon is over and couples have to get down to the business of living together and understanding each other.

I'd suggest that you try setting up a specific occasion to talk, with an agreed-upon time frame. Twenty or 30 minutes should be sufficient initially. Get a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise not to run, but allow for a time-out if things get too intense.

Start by focusing on your respective needs for communication and quiet time. Make a conscious effort to use "I" statements to convey your feelings; i.e., don't blame or attack your spouse. The goal is for the speaker to be heard and understood. If you need to take a time-out, schedule a reunion session within 24 hours for further discussion. This will give both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

If you need help putting these concepts into practice, don't hesitate to contact Focus on the Family's counseling department Monday through Friday between 6 a.m. and 8 p.m. (MST) at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I were both varsity athletes in college, and we're very competitive. Our 6-year-old twins want to start playing soccer this summer. We're all for it, but we want to make sure that we maintain a healthy family perspective about competition. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I can relate -- my athletic career was everything to me until an injury cut it short prior to college. I'm a competitive guy myself, so I've had to temper my approach with my own sons.

It's bad news when a youth sporting event disintegrates into poor sportsmanship, yelling and even fistfights. It's even worse when it's the parents' behavior in question. We've all heard stories about adult behavior at children's sporting events that leaves us shaking our heads. Fortunately, most parents wouldn't dream of acting out violently. But it's not just extreme cases that take the fun out of youth sports. Yelling at coaches, officials and players, or criticizing your child's performance, can be humiliating for all concerned.

If you're one of those moms or dads who experiences soaring blood pressure while sitting in the stands, keep perspective on what's really important. Winning isn't everything, and a child's bad game isn't the end of the world. There are many positive character traits they can develop through sports, even if they aren't the best player. They may decide they'd rather do something else, and that's OK. (These days, my older son leans toward science and chess.)

Tell your kids that you're proud of them regardless of whether they win or lose -- and really mean it! And treat everyone connected with the game with respect. The way you handle yourself when you disagree with a referee's call or a coach's decision will teach your child how to act as well. When moms and dads are team players and good sports, everyone wins.

Q: We have three kids (ages 8, 11 and 15) and want them to learn personal responsibility while earning their own money. At what age do you recommend that a child start a summer job?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: First of all, make sure to check applicable child labor laws -- state regulations vary concerning when kids can formally go to work, what kind of jobs they can perform, and how many hours they can work each day/week. Beyond that, the child's age is less important than his or her level of maturity, and your reasons for encouraging summer employment.

Practically speaking, teenagers may need to work in order to help defray education-related expenses or meet personal financial needs -- auto insurance, gas money or cellphone bills. In the case of younger children, you're probably thinking more about teaching discipline, responsibility and the rewards of hard work.

Since kids aren't developmentally ready to grasp these concepts until the mid- to late-elementary grades, I suggest waiting until they're between ages 8 and 10 before giving them a summer job of some kind at home -- vacuuming and dusting, for instance, or watering and weeding the garden. As they get older, it's good to have them transition to working for someone else. The benefits in terms of learning how to live in a responsible manner -- to be on time, to work carefully and efficiently, to take instruction from other authorities, to manage the money they earn and so on -- are simply incalculable.

There may be circumstances under which other activities would take priority -- for example, a planned mission trip, summer school, participation in sports or an extended family vacation. In other words, I wouldn't necessarily recommend that children work at all costs. But on the whole, I think the benefits of holding a summer job far outweigh any potential negatives.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.