Focus on the Family

Q: My 7-year-old son came home teary-eyed after watching a children's movie at a friend's house. Apparently one of the characters was constantly teased and mistreated by the other kids in the film. It upset my son for the rest of the day. Is this level and display of emotion something I should be concerned about?

Jim: Perhaps my own experience can be of some value here. My mom died when I was 9. I still remember what people told me over and over the day of her funeral. They said, "Be a big boy, and don't cry." I'm sure they meant well, but comments like that send a skewed message to young boys. It teaches them that real men don't show emotion -- that they're all strength, but no heart.

In my case, I wanted to be strong for my mom. And according to the adult voices around me, that meant I wasn't allowed to shed a tear. So I went through the whole funeral fighting and suppressing my emotions. I remember looking into my mom's casket and thinking, "I gotta stay strong and be a man."

Not only is that a heavy burden for a young child to bear, it communicates the wrong idea about what a real man looks and acts like. Strength is without a doubt a crucial aspect of masculinity. It's courage, integrity and character. It's part of what makes men good husbands and fathers.

But being a strong man doesn't mean guys should be unfeeling, analytical machines. Our wives and children also need us to be able to feel. That means not only expressing our emotions freely and appropriately, but being sensitive to theirs as well.

Authentic masculinity isn't a choice between strength or tenderness. It's about strength and tenderness -- and as a parent, I'd encourage you to help your son cultivate both.

Q: When should I take the car keys away from my aging father? His senses aren't as sharp as they used to be, and the older he gets, the more responsible I feel to protect his safety.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're in a delicate spot. Not only does it feel awkward to assume the unnatural role of parenting your dad, but this situation poses a potentially devastating loss for him. After all, most of us, seniors included, associate driving with mobility, freedom and human contact.

Before jumping to worst-case scenarios, consider whether your dad's driving is affected by a short-term emotional disturbance such as a significant life change or stressful circumstance. If so, simply suggest that he let someone else do the driving until things settle down.

You should also make sure your dad receives regular medical attention to discuss hearing and vision, medications and their potential side effects, possible chronic diseases, and any physical and cognitive impairments. In some cases, deterioration in these areas can be compensated for with treatment, modifications and education.

But if it's clear that the time has come to suspend your dad's driving privileges, do some research before broaching the subject. Check into the services of local agencies. Gather information on public transportation he might use, and be prepared to ride along till he feels comfortable.

When the moment of truth arrives, talk to your father respectfully about his options. Introduce the subject gently and give him every opportunity to turn over the keys on his own.

If that doesn't work, you may have to play the bad cop -- or enlist the help of your dad's doctor for the role. Your dad may protest and be angry, but you are responsible for ensuring his safety -- and that of others on the road. Remember: The most loving action isn't always the easiest.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Despite our best parenting efforts, our adult son has developed a talent for making dumb decisions and behaving irresponsibly. He recently financed an expensive car he couldn't afford, only to total it three weeks later -- after he'd canceled the insurance. He's now in serious financial straits and may lose his job for lack of transportation. We've tried to support and help him in similar situations, but things just get worse. What should we do?

Jim: Unfortunately, even good parents often see their adult children make poor choices. Our role as parents should change as our kids enter adulthood, but our purpose should not: To encourage them to become mature, self-controlled, self-regulating, responsible and independent adults. In this case, I would suggest that means allowing your son to come face-to-face with the real-life consequences of his choices. Here are three principles to keep in mind:

1) Don't make your child's problem your problem. Maintain appropriate boundaries by respecting his right to be his own man and make his own decisions. To assume his problems is to deprive him of adult autonomy. That's almost always counterproductive.

2) Don't make yourself the solution to your child's problem. It's not your job or responsibility to fix everything that's broken and right every wrong in your son's life. Experience is the best teacher, and you need to give your son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his decisions.

3) Maintain the relationship. Avoid damaging your relationship with your son by "sticking your oar in" where it isn't wanted or needed. Uninvited interference and "I told you so's" can inspire resentment, and resentment will destroy the all-important heart-connection between parent and child. Keeping the lines of communication open is the best way to maintain a strong and positive influence.

If you need help navigating this process, our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide additional thoughts. Don't hesitate to call them at 1-855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: Our school board is meeting next week to prepare for the new school year, and one item they're proposing is eliminating recess for elementary schoolchildren to devote more time to academics. My neighbor is all for this and thinks it will benefit her kids. But something just doesn't feel good about it to me. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: It's healthy to stretch our children's minds, and it's natural to want to give them a head start. But the growing trend of eliminating recess concerns me because it threatens our kids' emotional, psychological, cognitive and social development.

Play provides opportunities for children to self-express, think creatively, develop cognitively, work through challenges, regulate emotions, build self-confidence, communicate and connect with others, and practice roles needed for survival. There's also evidence that play can help prevent some of the attention and mood disorders and sensory processing issues we're seeing in many children.

It's also important to understand that competitive and organized sports are not substitutes for unstructured and unrestricted play where imagination, creativity and exploration are essential elements. Sports practice, where a child is learning a skill under the direction of a coach, is -- in a certain sense -- "work."

The case can be made, then, that playtime at recess actually helps children learn and develop inside the classroom. Should your local school board, however, succumb to recent trends and eliminate recess time, make sure you compensate for that loss by ensuring your child's playtime needs are met. How that looks varies from child to child. The important thing to remember is that they have fun with activities they choose. And they'll benefit even more if you join in, too!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Should children be taught to defend themselves when physically attacked, or should they "turn the other cheek"? We've taught our kids that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, the school playground is a rough and painful place for our son, and he's already dreading the upcoming school year.

Jim: I absolutely agree that fighting should be discouraged. Unfortunately, children can be unbelievably cruel to one another, and the reality is bullying is a growing problem that requires a serious response.

Given your conflicting feelings, perhaps it's best to first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As we see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and to be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to use force to defend others who are being abused and mistreated. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

With those things in mind, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It sounds like you've taught your children to cooperate with others as much as possible -- and that's great. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to defend themselves appropriately.

Our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide you with some practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem before the new school year begins. Don't hesitate to call them at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: How do we decide what to call one another in our blended family? Recently, my stepdaughter started calling me "Mom." When my husband's ex-wife heard about this, she freaked and demanded that her daughter call me by my first name only. We're not sure how to navigate all of this.

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: The labels children use to refer to adult stepfamily members often indicate the level of emotional attachment they feel. What's important to remember is that labels aren't critical to family success, and it's best to give children the freedom to choose the labels they're most comfortable with.

Labels can change over time and with circumstances. For example, a child who just returned from a weekend visit with his dad may avoid calling his stepfather "Dad" for a few days because he's missing his biological father. But once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns.

It's also not uncommon for children to feel comfortable using loving terms like "Daddy" and "Mommy" when they are small, only to start calling a stepparent by his or her first name when they reach adolescence. The change in label reflects the challenges a child faces in trying to balance loyalties as they grow up.

Ideally, children should be given permission to use whatever term they want for a stepparent. If your stepdaughter's mom feels threatened, however, and is unwilling to grant her permission to call you "Mom," I'd encourage you not to get stuck on this conflict. Instead, your husband should make sure that his daughter doesn't feel guilty about it. He should gently acknowledge that he understands the awkward spot this puts her in, and assure her that what matters most is not what she calls you and your husband. What matters most is that she knows she is loved, understood and supported by you.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.