Focus on the Family

Q: Our son graduated from high school this spring, and we're really struggling with what his next step should be. We want to offer him the prospect of a bright future, but formal education has never been his forte. He's very gifted mechanically and enthusiastically works on our cars and projects around the house. But his friends are all headed off to college, and it seems he should do the same. What are your thoughts?

Jim: I can appreciate the emotions behind the decision you (and many other families) are facing. You and your son are standing at one of life's biggest forks in the road: Should he go on to college or take another route?

The truth is college isn't for everybody. Did you know that 46 percent of young people who start college never finish? Sometimes it's a financial issue. Sometimes it's because they simply aren't ready for college-level work.

Whatever the reason, deciding against college doesn't have to mean sacrificing a strong future. There are a number of jobs that pay well, offer good career paths and don't require a college degree. Many skilled trades -- for which your son seems to have an aptitude -- provide apprenticeships and on-the-job training. The military is also a noble endeavor.

If you and your son decide higher education is the right path, it's worth taking the time to find a school that best fits his interests and goals. And be sure to compare tuition costs. Just because a college costs twice as much doesn't mean it offers an education that's twice as valuable.

Whatever path your son chooses, remind him of this: What employers look for most are candidates who are disciplined, reliable and of good character. Those are qualities that will help create a solid future regardless of whether your child goes to college or not.

Q: What should I do about my boyfriend's "party friends"? He's a great guy, but he insists on hanging out with these guys despite their disgusting behavior. Although he doesn't participate in their "extra-curricular activities," I still feel anxious whenever he's with them.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This is a common scenario for many women, and there are a couple of ways to look at the situation. A great deal depends on an honest assessment of your boyfriend's character. There are occasions when a man will engage in morally mismatched friendships in order to provide a positive example and influence. That's a tough assignment, and you need to observe and confirm over a long period of time that your boyfriend is indeed a man of strong and noble character before moving toward a serious relationship.

But if you have any doubts on that score (and your anxious feelings suggest maybe you do), it's important to ask yourself why you're involved with this guy. Are you hoping to change him into someone better? If so, that's a losing proposition. As we say in psychology, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

Some serious self-examination might help you sort out your feelings. Many women wind up with guys who are bad for them because of their own past family experiences. It's a pattern I've seen played out repeatedly. Was your father a mature man of character, who took his responsibilities seriously and treated your mother with respect? Did you have a positive relationship with your dad? Did he encourage you and affirm you as a child?

If not, you may be unconsciously drawn to men whose attitudes and behavior repeat the less-than-ideal conditions of your childhood. Our licensed counselors would be happy to listen and help guide you through these questions and any other concerns you may have. Don't hesitate to call them at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My 7-year-old son came home teary-eyed after watching a children's movie at a friend's house. Apparently one of the characters was constantly teased and mistreated by the other kids in the film. It upset my son for the rest of the day. Is this level and display of emotion something I should be concerned about?

Jim: Perhaps my own experience can be of some value here. My mom died when I was 9. I still remember what people told me over and over the day of her funeral. They said, "Be a big boy, and don't cry." I'm sure they meant well, but comments like that send a skewed message to young boys. It teaches them that real men don't show emotion -- that they're all strength, but no heart.

In my case, I wanted to be strong for my mom. And according to the adult voices around me, that meant I wasn't allowed to shed a tear. So I went through the whole funeral fighting and suppressing my emotions. I remember looking into my mom's casket and thinking, "I gotta stay strong and be a man."

Not only is that a heavy burden for a young child to bear, it communicates the wrong idea about what a real man looks and acts like. Strength is without a doubt a crucial aspect of masculinity. It's courage, integrity and character. It's part of what makes men good husbands and fathers.

But being a strong man doesn't mean guys should be unfeeling, analytical machines. Our wives and children also need us to be able to feel. That means not only expressing our emotions freely and appropriately, but being sensitive to theirs as well.

Authentic masculinity isn't a choice between strength or tenderness. It's about strength and tenderness -- and as a parent, I'd encourage you to help your son cultivate both.

Q: When should I take the car keys away from my aging father? His senses aren't as sharp as they used to be, and the older he gets, the more responsible I feel to protect his safety.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: You're in a delicate spot. Not only does it feel awkward to assume the unnatural role of parenting your dad, but this situation poses a potentially devastating loss for him. After all, most of us, seniors included, associate driving with mobility, freedom and human contact.

Before jumping to worst-case scenarios, consider whether your dad's driving is affected by a short-term emotional disturbance such as a significant life change or stressful circumstance. If so, simply suggest that he let someone else do the driving until things settle down.

You should also make sure your dad receives regular medical attention to discuss hearing and vision, medications and their potential side effects, possible chronic diseases, and any physical and cognitive impairments. In some cases, deterioration in these areas can be compensated for with treatment, modifications and education.

But if it's clear that the time has come to suspend your dad's driving privileges, do some research before broaching the subject. Check into the services of local agencies. Gather information on public transportation he might use, and be prepared to ride along till he feels comfortable.

When the moment of truth arrives, talk to your father respectfully about his options. Introduce the subject gently and give him every opportunity to turn over the keys on his own.

If that doesn't work, you may have to play the bad cop -- or enlist the help of your dad's doctor for the role. Your dad may protest and be angry, but you are responsible for ensuring his safety -- and that of others on the road. Remember: The most loving action isn't always the easiest.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: Despite our best parenting efforts, our adult son has developed a talent for making dumb decisions and behaving irresponsibly. He recently financed an expensive car he couldn't afford, only to total it three weeks later -- after he'd canceled the insurance. He's now in serious financial straits and may lose his job for lack of transportation. We've tried to support and help him in similar situations, but things just get worse. What should we do?

Jim: Unfortunately, even good parents often see their adult children make poor choices. Our role as parents should change as our kids enter adulthood, but our purpose should not: To encourage them to become mature, self-controlled, self-regulating, responsible and independent adults. In this case, I would suggest that means allowing your son to come face-to-face with the real-life consequences of his choices. Here are three principles to keep in mind:

1) Don't make your child's problem your problem. Maintain appropriate boundaries by respecting his right to be his own man and make his own decisions. To assume his problems is to deprive him of adult autonomy. That's almost always counterproductive.

2) Don't make yourself the solution to your child's problem. It's not your job or responsibility to fix everything that's broken and right every wrong in your son's life. Experience is the best teacher, and you need to give your son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his decisions.

3) Maintain the relationship. Avoid damaging your relationship with your son by "sticking your oar in" where it isn't wanted or needed. Uninvited interference and "I told you so's" can inspire resentment, and resentment will destroy the all-important heart-connection between parent and child. Keeping the lines of communication open is the best way to maintain a strong and positive influence.

If you need help navigating this process, our licensed counselors would be pleased to provide additional thoughts. Don't hesitate to call them at 1-855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: Our school board is meeting next week to prepare for the new school year, and one item they're proposing is eliminating recess for elementary schoolchildren to devote more time to academics. My neighbor is all for this and thinks it will benefit her kids. But something just doesn't feel good about it to me. What do you think?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: It's healthy to stretch our children's minds, and it's natural to want to give them a head start. But the growing trend of eliminating recess concerns me because it threatens our kids' emotional, psychological, cognitive and social development.

Play provides opportunities for children to self-express, think creatively, develop cognitively, work through challenges, regulate emotions, build self-confidence, communicate and connect with others, and practice roles needed for survival. There's also evidence that play can help prevent some of the attention and mood disorders and sensory processing issues we're seeing in many children.

It's also important to understand that competitive and organized sports are not substitutes for unstructured and unrestricted play where imagination, creativity and exploration are essential elements. Sports practice, where a child is learning a skill under the direction of a coach, is -- in a certain sense -- "work."

The case can be made, then, that playtime at recess actually helps children learn and develop inside the classroom. Should your local school board, however, succumb to recent trends and eliminate recess time, make sure you compensate for that loss by ensuring your child's playtime needs are met. How that looks varies from child to child. The important thing to remember is that they have fun with activities they choose. And they'll benefit even more if you join in, too!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.