Focus on the Family

Q: Is it appropriate for my mom to demand that I -- a 30-something independent woman -- allow her to "vet" the men in my life? She insists it's her prerogative and responsibility as a parent. I have a potential suitor who's visiting from out of town, and my mother says she needs four hours alone with him so that she can "check him over" and "tell him about me."

Jim: Unfortunately, it sounds like your mom has serious control issues. Wise motherly advice is a good thing when it's offered in the right way. But your mom needs to understand that advice isn't advice until it's requested. Whatever your mother may think, at this stage of your life it's not her place to tell you what to do.

If you think she'd be open to hearing your concerns, I'd suggest you talk to her about your feelings. You might say something like, "Mom, I appreciate your concern for me, but I need to make these types of decisions for myself." Then let her know that she simply doesn't have the right to subject your prospective boyfriends to some kind of interrogation. If she listens and agrees, you've gained your point. If not, you may need to keep your distance. Boundaries are good for all kinds of relationships -- especially relationships with controlling and manipulative personalities.

This isn't to say you shouldn't seek wise counsel from others who know you well. In fact, I'd strongly encourage you to enlist the help of a licensed marriage counselor if your relationship has or may soon be moving in the direction of marriage. Pre-engagement counseling offers the best option for determining if your relationship is marriage material before the ring is purchased and the invitations mailed out. Call us at 855-771-4357 for a referral and other resources.

Q: How can we know whether or not our child is ready to start school? Can you suggest any basic guidelines?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: School readiness is a term that generally refers to the emotional, behavioral and cognitive skills a child needs in order to learn, work and function successfully in school. It's a complex issue. Every child is unique and every situation needs to be evaluated in light of its own special circumstances.

Since you know your child better than anyone else, you are the best person to determine whether and when he's ready to take on the challenge of formal schooling. Here's a basic checklist of questions you can ask as you try to make that assessment:

-- Is your child enthusiastic about starting school? Is he eager to learn?

-- Does he demonstrate a desire to be independent? Can he dress himself, tie his own shoes, use the bathroom on his own and work independently with supervision?

-- Does he have the basic language skills he'll need to succeed in school? Does he speak in full sentences? Can he understand and follow simple instructions? Is he able to identify sound units in words and recognize rhyme?

-- What about basic academic knowledge? Does he know his numbers and his ABCs? Can he identify primary colors and basic shapes? Can he write his own name and recite his own personal information? If not, could he be taught to do so?

-- Has he mastered simple motor skills, such as throwing a ball, skipping or climbing, or working with puzzles, scissors and paints?

-- Is he capable of controlling his behavior and demonstrating acceptable social skills? Can he play and work with others, follow rules and sit still for up to 30 minutes at a time?

If you have additional concerns or if our counselors can be of further help, please call us at 855-771-4357.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Should I be concerned that my husband of three months no longer wants to do everything together? Since marrying in April, we've had the time of our lives -- just the two of us. But today, he opted to go hiking with a couple of his guy friends instead of going shopping with me.

Jim: Although romance novels and poetry are marketed and sold on the idea that "my spouse is my everything," couples who buy into -- and won't let go of -- this belief are usually doomed to be miserable. The truth is that it's impossible for one person to meet our every need. I learned that the hard way.

When my wife, Jean, and I were first married, we spent a lot of time together, traveling to high schools around the country to encourage kids to avoid drugs. It was a great season in our lives and -- being an extrovert -- I loved the constant interaction.

But Jean is an introvert. She enjoyed the work we did in schools as much as I did, but she felt drained by all the people. One afternoon, she headed out the hotel door for some groceries. I asked to tag along, but she said, "Jim, I love you, but I'd really like to be alone." Initially, I was hurt. But I soon realized that she needed time alone to recharge her batteries. Once I learned to give Jean some breathing room, not only did she reap the benefits -- but our marriage did as well.

Your husband can't meet your every need, so fill those spaces with other healthy activities. Have good friendships, pursue hobbies you find satisfying, or simply enjoy a little solitude. Give each other reasonable room to breathe, and you'll find your times together will be even richer.

Q: My preteen daughter has developed a real talent and love for dancing. We signed her up for classes six months ago, and she's having the time of her life. Aside from her exceptional ability, she's made some special friends and has blossomed with confidence. The problem is the music she's dancing to. It's inappropriate for someone her age, and I sense that her instructor wouldn't be receptive to changing it. But with all the positive benefits of her involvement in class, we're hesitant to pull her out. How should we handle the situation?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: It's great to hear your daughter has discovered an activity she enjoys and that is well-suited to her skills and interests. That said, I can appreciate the mixed emotions you're feeling because of the inappropriate music that's been a part of the experience.

Sadly, it's no longer unusual for kids or adults to be held hostage to the R-rated playlists of musical gatekeepers, whether at the grocery store, sporting events or on the school bus. Adding to this concern is the fact that numerous studies have concluded that suggestive and risque music shapes teen and preteen sexual values and behaviors. What's a responsible parent to do?

While your impressions regarding the instructor's receptivity may be on target, I'd still encourage you to approach him or her respectfully and privately to express your concern. Bring printed copies of the song lyrics. It's quite possible that, like many of us, the instructor has never really heard the messages behind the music and maybe will make changes upon being made aware. You could also suggest a list of alternative tunes with similar musical elements -- minus the racy content.

If your concerns fall on deaf ears, however, then I'd suggest the loving response would be to find another dance option for your daughter. Aren't her heart, mind and soul worth it?

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our son graduated from high school this spring, and we're really struggling with what his next step should be. We want to offer him the prospect of a bright future, but formal education has never been his forte. He's very gifted mechanically and enthusiastically works on our cars and projects around the house. But his friends are all headed off to college, and it seems he should do the same. What are your thoughts?

Jim: I can appreciate the emotions behind the decision you (and many other families) are facing. You and your son are standing at one of life's biggest forks in the road: Should he go on to college or take another route?

The truth is college isn't for everybody. Did you know that 46 percent of young people who start college never finish? Sometimes it's a financial issue. Sometimes it's because they simply aren't ready for college-level work.

Whatever the reason, deciding against college doesn't have to mean sacrificing a strong future. There are a number of jobs that pay well, offer good career paths and don't require a college degree. Many skilled trades -- for which your son seems to have an aptitude -- provide apprenticeships and on-the-job training. The military is also a noble endeavor.

If you and your son decide higher education is the right path, it's worth taking the time to find a school that best fits his interests and goals. And be sure to compare tuition costs. Just because a college costs twice as much doesn't mean it offers an education that's twice as valuable.

Whatever path your son chooses, remind him of this: What employers look for most are candidates who are disciplined, reliable and of good character. Those are qualities that will help create a solid future regardless of whether your child goes to college or not.

Q: What should I do about my boyfriend's "party friends"? He's a great guy, but he insists on hanging out with these guys despite their disgusting behavior. Although he doesn't participate in their "extra-curricular activities," I still feel anxious whenever he's with them.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: This is a common scenario for many women, and there are a couple of ways to look at the situation. A great deal depends on an honest assessment of your boyfriend's character. There are occasions when a man will engage in morally mismatched friendships in order to provide a positive example and influence. That's a tough assignment, and you need to observe and confirm over a long period of time that your boyfriend is indeed a man of strong and noble character before moving toward a serious relationship.

But if you have any doubts on that score (and your anxious feelings suggest maybe you do), it's important to ask yourself why you're involved with this guy. Are you hoping to change him into someone better? If so, that's a losing proposition. As we say in psychology, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

Some serious self-examination might help you sort out your feelings. Many women wind up with guys who are bad for them because of their own past family experiences. It's a pattern I've seen played out repeatedly. Was your father a mature man of character, who took his responsibilities seriously and treated your mother with respect? Did you have a positive relationship with your dad? Did he encourage you and affirm you as a child?

If not, you may be unconsciously drawn to men whose attitudes and behavior repeat the less-than-ideal conditions of your childhood. Our licensed counselors would be happy to listen and help guide you through these questions and any other concerns you may have. Don't hesitate to call them at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.