Focus on the Family

Q: My 16-year-old daughter has blossomed into a beautiful young lady -- and it seems I'm not the only one who's noticed. She's getting more and more attention from boys her age, and I suspect it won't be long before she'll be dating. As her dad, what's my role in interacting with and vetting any potential suitors?

Jim: Well, I strongly advise you to avoid some of the hilarious extremes employed by the hyper-protective dad (Kevin Hart) in this year's Hyundai Super Bowl commercial. At the same time, you don't want to disappear into the shadows when young men start showing up at your doorstep. As a father, you have an important role to play.

One of your chief responsibilities is to protect your daughter. That's especially important when she's beginning to date. Now that you're approaching that time of life, consider this suggestion from author Dennis Rainey: Interview the boys who aspire to date your daughter.

You heard me right. Before any dates are scheduled, meet with the boys who are interested in your daughter and ask them some serious questions to determine if they're mature and responsible young men of good character. Don't be combative or heavy-handed, but do make it clear how you expect them to treat and behave toward your daughter. It's not about intimidating the boy as much as it is promoting a sense of respect for her.

Another benefit of this exercise is that your daughter will learn how to evaluate potential suitors on her own. And, really, that's the point. Whether it's a high school boy or her future husband, the goal is for your daughter to understand and demand that she be treated with the respect and dignity she deserves. As with most things in life, that education starts right there at home.

Q: My 8-year-old son enjoys playing video games. We try our best to manage his playing time, but recently I saw a news story about how predators target kids through online gaming. Is there anything we can do to protect our son?

A: Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged-In: Kudos for caring enough about your son to manage his gaming activity. Sadly, predators are not easily deterred in their efforts to exploit vulnerabilities of the innocent, so you're wise to exercise parental diligence. The following are measures I'd recommend:

-- If you haven't already done so, be sure that your game system is in a public area of your home where your son's online interactions can be easily monitored.

-- Familiarize yourself with and use the parental controls of the gaming system. Not only can you set time limits, but you can restrict access to inappropriate games.

-- Check the game system settings to make sure any online methods of locating your son are turned off.

-- Teach your son why he must keep personal information private (no last names, addresses, phone numbers, age, school information, photos, etc.).

-- Set clear boundaries and explain why he should never visit chat rooms or engage strangers in online conversation.

-- Establish a rule that allows online gaming only with friends that you and your son both know, and instruct him to tell you if fellow players do anything unsafe or inappropriate.

-- Limit all gaming-related purchases to you and your spouse only.

In connection with this last point, I'd encourage you to check out our pluggedin.com gaming reviews for family-friendliness. This, along with the other guidelines I've mentioned, should help make sure that your son's gaming experience is safe and fun.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. I've abstained from alcohol because of it, but are there other issues I should be concerned about? I don't want this part of my past affecting my own family.

Jim: As someone who's also been influenced by painful and dysfunctional family experiences, I admire your courage in wanting to confront your own challenges. In the case of children of alcoholics, many grow up to have difficulty expressing their feelings. To survive, they learn to insulate themselves against the pain of their environment by "stuffing" emotions like anger and sadness. They may also have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility derived from the necessity of caring for a drunken parent and emotionally supporting other family members during their most formative years. These character traits may be useful in their original setting, but can often become liabilities later in life, especially in a marriage relationship.

Relating to authority figures can also be a problem. Interestingly, this can lead to widely contrasting outcomes, with some victims adopting a rebellious attitude while others become "people pleasers," unable to assert themselves even when they're clearly being taken advantage of. They may also be terribly afraid of abandonment, and will do whatever it takes to hold on to a relationship, even when they're being abused.

For these and other reasons, adult children of alcoholics may end up marrying alcoholics or become alcoholics themselves. Even if they don't drink, they may have extreme "Type A" personalities and display workaholic tendencies.

This description doesn't fit every person who grows up in an alcoholic home. Each person and situation is unique. The good news is that there is effective help available, and our counselors would be pleased to get you pointed in the right direction. Please call them at 855-771-4357.

Q: My fiance and I are going to be married next month. His family is extremely close -- relationally and geographically. And though I'm sure that their presence and influence will be positive for our marriage, I'm concerned we may struggle to establish ourselves as a distinct family unit. Am I worrying needlessly?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: I commend you for recognizing that your husband's family situation can be a wonderful blessing, as well as a challenge that needs to be approached wisely. In fact, I wish I'd had the benefit of your insight when I was a newlywed.

My wife, Erin, and I had been married only a few weeks when we took a three-week trip to England with my family. What might have been a dream vacation in another circumstance turned out to be an absolute disaster. The problem: Once in Europe, I reverted to behaving like a son instead of a husband. It was an awkward situation that we weren't equipped to deal with. Looking back, we realized that we needed more time to become comfortable with our new roles and to form our identity as a couple.

Since then, we've recommended that newlyweds take a "leave of absence" from other areas of life for a time and give priority to each other. This not only includes time-consuming hobbies, but your families of origin and friendships as well.

To avoid misunderstanding, explain to your loved ones your reasons for temporarily pulling away. You're simply giving yourselves a chance to establish strong roots at one of the most crucial points in your relationship. When you emerge from this time, you'll be better able to interact with others as a husband or wife, instead of settling into the familiar roles of your past. By doing so, you'll give your marriage its best chance to flourish for years to come.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Does sexual fulfillment decrease as we get older? My spouse and I are in our 60s, and I'm concerned normal aging issues might have negative implications for our relationship in the bedroom.

Jim: Many people seem to believe that libido inevitably fades with age, and that elderly couples who are still interested in sex are abnormal. This idea is largely mythical. In actuality, sexual desire depends more on a state of mind and emotional attitudes than on one's chronological age.

Generally, it's normal to have an ongoing interest in sex throughout one's adult life. Like the young, older people experience the full range of human feelings and emotions. They also need love and affection -- sometimes in large amounts. Researchers have shown that normal interest in and capacity for sex continues into the 80s. It may in some cases decrease in intensity because of specific problems with self-image, such as a feeling that one is no longer attractive, but this is not always true. It can also be affected, of course, by illness, aches and pains, complications of surgical procedures or certain other physical problems that accompany the aging process.

It's important to bear in mind that sexual intimacy in marriage is a lifelong process. Different forms of expression may be appropriate at different phases of the relationship. Where pain or physical incapacity has limited certain types of sexual activity, it's worth remembering that sexual intercourse per se is not necessarily the only option for physical intimacy. Touch, physical closeness, skin-to-skin contact, even intimate conversation can be extremely satisfying in the absence of other forms of sexual pleasure. At every stage of life, healthy attitudes toward marital sex should be characterized by candor, vulnerability, flexibility and willingness to communicate.

Please call one of our licensed therapists at 855-771-4357 if we can help further.

Q: We're a year out before our son is scheduled to begin kindergarten. For a variety of reasons, he won't be attending preschool, and I'm afraid this might put him at a disadvantage next year. Is there anything I can do to compensate for this?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting: It's important to understand that cultivating "school readiness" isn't simply a matter of formal academic training. All of a child's early experiences, whether at home or in organized preschool settings, are educational. There are a number of things, then, you can do at home to optimize his chances of succeeding in the academic arena. Here are a few suggestions:

-- Read books aloud with your child. Get him used to handling books and help him recognize the difference between pictures and print.

-- Engage in informal counting activities. This will strengthen your child's understanding of numbers. Familiarize him with the alphabet.

-- Develop reading readiness by promoting your child's phonological awareness. You can do this by reading nursery rhymes, singing and clapping along with songs, and playing games with rhyming words.

-- Spend time talking, playing and cuddling with your child. Take steps to stimulate informal conversation. Give him opportunities to ask lots of questions. Encourage play that promotes creativity, imagination and problem-solving skills.

-- If your child has trouble sitting still, practice having him concentrate on a task for a short period of time (10 minutes). Over several months, increase that time until he can remain focused for 30 minutes or so.

-- Create and maintain a regular routine in your home. Emphasize mealtimes, naptimes, bedtime, etc. Help your child to become comfortable with this rhythm.

-- Encourage behaviors and activities that develop a sense of responsibility in your child (e.g., simple chores) and that demonstrate respect and courtesy.

-- Look for opportunities to develop your child's social skills through playgroups.

If you have additional concerns or if our counselors can be of further help, please call us at 855-771-4357.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.