Focus on the Family

Q: My wife and I are more than willing to take care of my aging father, but he's always been a proud man, and we don't want to crush his spirit. How do we protect him against the feeling that he's becoming useless?

Jim: According to researchers, most older people measure their personal worth by how well they meet three goals: 1) dependability; 2) ability to maintain close family ties; and 3) self-sufficiency. Aging folks often don't want to reach out for help, rely on government assistance or have hired help in their homes. They want to do things independently, proving themselves dependable and responsible.

The key to honoring aging loved ones is to understand how to encourage them in these areas. Here are some suggestions:

-- Recognize skills and successes. Honoring your father entails recognizing him not only for who he is, but also for past achievements, abilities and talents.

-- Reminisce. It's important to help an aging loved one capture his personal history and pass it along to children and grandchildren. Preserve his memories and current interactions with kids and grandkids on digital media, in still photos or in memory gift books.

-- Reinvent memories. Celebrate everything! Affirmations of life and love remind elderly people that they are appreciated.

-- Remember old friends -- and make new ones. Friendships help people stay engaged, and are also beneficial in processing loss, depression and feelings of worthlessness. Do everything you can to ensure that your father has access to friends by phone, email, "snail" mail and regular visits.

-- Renew energy with regular exercise. Swimming, walking or other light exercise improves circulation and keeps the endorphins -- those "feel-good hormones" -- flowing through the blood system.

-- Seek opportunities for senior volunteers. Many nonprofit organizations not only provide a place for seniors to volunteer, they also need this assistance to carry out their mission.

-- Encourage latent talents. If appropriate, nudge your dad in the direction of developing a hobby such as painting, drawing, writing, woodworking or learning how to use different computer programs. Probe his interests until you see his eyes light up, then find a way to get him involved.

Q: I've been dating a great guy for a while. I think he would be a good husband, but I'm not sure if he's my "soul mate." Should I move on and keep looking?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Before you decide one way or another, I'd encourage you to consider this: soul mates aren't found, they're formed over time.

Doug Block, a wedding videographer, produced a documentary about couples whose nuptials he'd filmed. He wanted to see how their marriages had fared after a few years. His conclusion was that the Hollywood-fueled notion of the "soul mate" -- the idea that there's one person out there just for you -- is a myth. As he told Time magazine, "A lot of marriage is coming to terms with who is this imperfect person you're living with, and acknowledging that you're not exactly a perfect person either."

No one "clicks" with another effortlessly. We're all flawed people prone to selfish impulses. That's why relationships -- and especially marriage -- can be so challenging at times. It takes hard work to love our spouses through the good and the ugly. So when you encounter differences in your relationship, don't assume your significant other isn't your soul mate. Disagreements should be addressed, but understand we're all prone to selfishness.

It's only by going through that tough process that a couple can create the true intimacy of marriage. So, remember: Soul mates aren't found; they're formed over time through sacrifice and enduring love. When you identify someone with whom you can mutually commit to that dynamic, it just might be "the match."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a busy working man. I know I should be spending more time with my family, and I really want to. But I'm stumped as to how I can fit it all in; there's just no place to cut anything. What can I do?

Jim: There's a hard truth that we sometimes have to face: We can always make time for whatever is most important to us. Once you decide what comes first, it's easier than you might think to make adjustments.

One way to make more family time might be to rearrange your daily schedule. If you go into work early, that might make room at day's end to leave earlier and beat the rush hour traffic on the way home. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- time that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, don't go out to lunch if you can help it. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two hours or more. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. It's cheaper and, again, it might give you just enough extra time to make your son's Little League game later in the day.

Finally, don't be so quick to take that promotion. If it's going to require even more travel and more overtime, it might be more worthwhile just to stay where you are for now. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you shirk responsibilities at work. Just make sure your job isn't all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, you'll find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

For more ideas to help your family thrive, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've had it up to here with our lazy teenagers. They're good kids, but I can't seem to motivate them to get off the couch and do anything constructive -- much less finish their homework or clean their rooms. Do you have any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Rather than "laziness," I'd prefer to view this as motivation toward other things. While it's common for teens to seem unmotivated, they're usually motivated toward something (technology, friends, dating, etc.) unless they're clinically depressed. Each of us has our own motivators.

Sometimes teens disengage because they are overwhelmed; they're still learning how to handle hormones, stress, technology, more freedoms and many other distractions. It can also simply be immaturity.

As parents, we're positioned to teach our teens about limits, balance and life ownership. One method is to create consequences, such as losing or gaining freedoms and privileges. Another is to allow natural consequences to take place -- a bad grade, or not having enough money for gas or going out with friends. If video games and social media are significant distractions, limiting (or even disconnecting) technology for specified periods may be helpful.

Help your kids learn to set goals and pursue them, with small celebrations as each objective is achieved. Involve them in choosing the goals, celebrations and consequences. Remind them that you want them to enjoy life by learning how to manage it well.

Have confidence in setting limits. You're not in charge of their happiness; you're in charge of teaching them and helping them move toward maturity and healthy decision-making. If you'd like to speak with one of our counselors, you can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You might also find our "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" Assessment to be helpful; see www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm the father of a slightly "boy crazy" 14-year-old daughter. I'm really dreading the whole dating thing as she gets a little older. What can I do to prepare both of us?

Jim: Most fathers with daughters go through the same struggle watching their little girls grow up. I'd suggest you teach your daughter the proper role of dating by taking her out yourself, frequently.

Going on a "date" with Dad has many benefits for a daughter, regardless of her age. For example, as girls develop their identity, they measure themselves against the impossible standard of beauty portrayed by Hollywood. This is where fathers become very important. By spending time with your daughter, you can have a positive influence on her perception of herself.

Also, taking your daughter out on a "date" allows you to model how a man should treat her. By making one-on-one time a priority, you're showing your daughter she is valuable. And your acceptance for who she is will build her self-esteem. You can also help her develop a sense of individuality by listening to her and respecting the opinions she shares. Most importantly, spending time with your daughter regularly keeps her heart open to you.

So get out your calendar and schedule a "date" with your daughter. Let her suggest some activities she would like to do. It doesn't have to take all day, but make sure the time is special by limiting interruptions. The best way to ensure success in your daughter's future dating experiences is to make sure it starts with Dad.

Q: My teenage kids and their friends have all been talking about a TV series called "13 Reasons Why." I've heard some parents say that it's dangerous. What can you tell me about it?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Netflix's "13 Reasons Why" became a bona-fide cultural phenomenon back in the spring when the streaming service released all 13 episodes simultaneously. While Netflix doesn't give out ratings, a whopping 11 million-plus tweets were fired off about the show in its first three weeks!

To many adolescents, "13 Reasons" can feel both real and relevant -- a window into the stress and strife of high/middle school. But many mental health professionals are especially concerned that the show's graphic depictions of sexual assault, self-harm and suicide may do more harm than good. They have reason to be concerned. To date, multiple people have committed suicide after reportedly being influenced by the show, and sadly, more are likely to follow suit. For instance, two California teens killed themselves just weeks after the episodes were released, and their grieving families blame "13 Reasons" for their deaths. A 23-year-old Peruvian man not only committed suicide but also made audio recordings for the people he believed were to blame (similar to the plot in "13 Reasons").

Even if the show were a cautionary tale about suicide (which I do NOT believe), parents would have more than 13 reasons to steer clear. The show includes two graphic rape scenes, glamorized teen drug and alcohol usage, and language so harsh that it makes many R-rated films look Disney-esque in comparison.

If your teens are talking about the show because it's currently all the rage, I get that. But that doesn't make it wholesome or worthwhile. In fact, because of the way the show glamorizes problematic behaviors, I think it's just begging for further copycatting.

Still, the subjects that this show raises are worth talking about. We have resources at Focus to help you discuss its major themes (suicide, bullying, self-injury, rape and sexting), as well as a review of the show; see www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/teens/13-reasons-why-not.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.