Focus on the Family

Q: My widowed mother is still pretty independent, but I worry about her being vulnerable to scam artists who victimize the elderly. How can I protect her against this kind of abuse?

Jim: We've all heard the despicable horror stories. Help your mom learn to watch out for threats and to recognize common types of fraud:

-- Identity theft. Identifying numbers -- Social Security, credit card, driver's license, telephone, bank account -- can be stolen from a purse or wallet, taken from the mailbox or receipts in the trash, and even obtained over the phone on an invented pretext. If your mom uses a computer, install anti-malware software.

-- Home-maintenance fraud. Beware of prepaid improvements or repair (siding, roofing, driveways, etc.) offered at greatly reduced prices. Once paid, the con artist disappears or uses inferior materials. Ask about affiliations with professional trade associations and consumer agencies. It's best to avoid hiring workers who solicit door-to-door.

-- Telemarketing and mail fraud. Be aware of glossy mail-order ads and smooth-talking appeals over the phone or TV that market unneeded goods and services. Solicitors apply pressure to order immediately using a credit card because the offer is "limited." Beware of requests for checking account numbers.

-- Sweepstakes, gambling and lotteries. Sweepstakes letters lure seniors with promises of "guaranteed prizes." Marketers of gambling and lotteries target the elderly.

-- Health and medical fraud. Simply put, never invest in health-care products or treatments without first consulting with a doctor or pharmacist.

-- Financial fraud. Living trust scams, investment fraud, pyramid schemes, phony "associations" and the "bank examiner scheme" are all commonly aimed at elderly people. Make sure your mom has a comprehensive financial plan for her personal investments, insurance and estate. A reputable financial planner can help her put her affairs in order. Then it should be easy and automatic to say no to all solicitations.

For additional information on this topic, I'd encourage you to consult with several helpful organizations: The National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (n4a.org); Caregiver Action Network (caregiveraction.org); and National Center on Elder Abuse (ncea.aoa.gov).

Q: Our daughter is almost 10 years old. I've assumed that "the conversation" about puberty was still a ways off, but now I'm not so sure; she's growing up so fast. What do I need to know?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: There's some debate about why it's happening, but there's no question that puberty is occurring earlier and earlier in girls. For some, it could be as young as 7 or 8. Puberty brings about big changes in a girl's physical development and body image. And that can be scary if she isn't prepared for what's coming. That's why helping your daughter learn what to expect can be crucial to her building a healthy identity.

From a practical standpoint, it's usually best if Mom handles these conversations if possible. She has the personal experience to draw from, and daughters tend to feel more comfortable with another female. This means single dads might want to consider having a trusted family member help out, or perhaps a woman whom your daughter knows and respects.

This conversation takes a bit of preparation. Our organization provides numerous helpful resources at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting, including a free downloadable guide on these issues (focusonthefamily.com/thetalk).

The main thing is to connect with your daughter and reassure her that the coming changes are normal. Be positive and encouraging. And remember, even if your daughter has already entered into puberty, it's not too late to have an open conversation. This is a great opportunity to reinforce that you're there to support and walk with her as she grows into womanhood.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I are more than willing to take care of my aging father, but he's always been a proud man, and we don't want to crush his spirit. How do we protect him against the feeling that he's becoming useless?

Jim: According to researchers, most older people measure their personal worth by how well they meet three goals: 1) dependability; 2) ability to maintain close family ties; and 3) self-sufficiency. Aging folks often don't want to reach out for help, rely on government assistance or have hired help in their homes. They want to do things independently, proving themselves dependable and responsible.

The key to honoring aging loved ones is to understand how to encourage them in these areas. Here are some suggestions:

-- Recognize skills and successes. Honoring your father entails recognizing him not only for who he is, but also for past achievements, abilities and talents.

-- Reminisce. It's important to help an aging loved one capture his personal history and pass it along to children and grandchildren. Preserve his memories and current interactions with kids and grandkids on digital media, in still photos or in memory gift books.

-- Reinvent memories. Celebrate everything! Affirmations of life and love remind elderly people that they are appreciated.

-- Remember old friends -- and make new ones. Friendships help people stay engaged, and are also beneficial in processing loss, depression and feelings of worthlessness. Do everything you can to ensure that your father has access to friends by phone, email, "snail" mail and regular visits.

-- Renew energy with regular exercise. Swimming, walking or other light exercise improves circulation and keeps the endorphins -- those "feel-good hormones" -- flowing through the blood system.

-- Seek opportunities for senior volunteers. Many nonprofit organizations not only provide a place for seniors to volunteer, they also need this assistance to carry out their mission.

-- Encourage latent talents. If appropriate, nudge your dad in the direction of developing a hobby such as painting, drawing, writing, woodworking or learning how to use different computer programs. Probe his interests until you see his eyes light up, then find a way to get him involved.

Q: I've been dating a great guy for a while. I think he would be a good husband, but I'm not sure if he's my "soul mate." Should I move on and keep looking?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Before you decide one way or another, I'd encourage you to consider this: soul mates aren't found, they're formed over time.

Doug Block, a wedding videographer, produced a documentary about couples whose nuptials he'd filmed. He wanted to see how their marriages had fared after a few years. His conclusion was that the Hollywood-fueled notion of the "soul mate" -- the idea that there's one person out there just for you -- is a myth. As he told Time magazine, "A lot of marriage is coming to terms with who is this imperfect person you're living with, and acknowledging that you're not exactly a perfect person either."

No one "clicks" with another effortlessly. We're all flawed people prone to selfish impulses. That's why relationships -- and especially marriage -- can be so challenging at times. It takes hard work to love our spouses through the good and the ugly. So when you encounter differences in your relationship, don't assume your significant other isn't your soul mate. Disagreements should be addressed, but understand we're all prone to selfishness.

It's only by going through that tough process that a couple can create the true intimacy of marriage. So, remember: Soul mates aren't found; they're formed over time through sacrifice and enduring love. When you identify someone with whom you can mutually commit to that dynamic, it just might be "the match."

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a busy working man. I know I should be spending more time with my family, and I really want to. But I'm stumped as to how I can fit it all in; there's just no place to cut anything. What can I do?

Jim: There's a hard truth that we sometimes have to face: We can always make time for whatever is most important to us. Once you decide what comes first, it's easier than you might think to make adjustments.

One way to make more family time might be to rearrange your daily schedule. If you go into work early, that might make room at day's end to leave earlier and beat the rush hour traffic on the way home. If you do this consistently, you could save yourself several extra hours a week -- time that could be spent with your spouse and kids.

Also, don't go out to lunch if you can help it. By the time you factor in parking, ordering and everything else, the lunch "hour" can easily stretch to two hours or more. Instead, pack your own lunch and just take a 30-minute break. It's cheaper and, again, it might give you just enough extra time to make your son's Little League game later in the day.

Finally, don't be so quick to take that promotion. If it's going to require even more travel and more overtime, it might be more worthwhile just to stay where you are for now. Your family may need you more than they need extra income.

Now, I'm not suggesting that you shirk responsibilities at work. Just make sure your job isn't all-consuming. There's a big difference between putting in an honest day's work and being a workaholic. With a little creativity, you'll find a healthy balance between the office and the home.

For more ideas to help your family thrive, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've had it up to here with our lazy teenagers. They're good kids, but I can't seem to motivate them to get off the couch and do anything constructive -- much less finish their homework or clean their rooms. Do you have any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Rather than "laziness," I'd prefer to view this as motivation toward other things. While it's common for teens to seem unmotivated, they're usually motivated toward something (technology, friends, dating, etc.) unless they're clinically depressed. Each of us has our own motivators.

Sometimes teens disengage because they are overwhelmed; they're still learning how to handle hormones, stress, technology, more freedoms and many other distractions. It can also simply be immaturity.

As parents, we're positioned to teach our teens about limits, balance and life ownership. One method is to create consequences, such as losing or gaining freedoms and privileges. Another is to allow natural consequences to take place -- a bad grade, or not having enough money for gas or going out with friends. If video games and social media are significant distractions, limiting (or even disconnecting) technology for specified periods may be helpful.

Help your kids learn to set goals and pursue them, with small celebrations as each objective is achieved. Involve them in choosing the goals, celebrations and consequences. Remind them that you want them to enjoy life by learning how to manage it well.

Have confidence in setting limits. You're not in charge of their happiness; you're in charge of teaching them and helping them move toward maturity and healthy decision-making. If you'd like to speak with one of our counselors, you can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357). You might also find our "7 Traits of Effective Parenting" Assessment to be helpful; see www.focusonthefamily.com/7traits.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.