Focus on the Family

Q: My husband and I love being parents. But with three kids in the house now, our marriage isn't as fun as it once was. Is that normal?

Jim: I'd say it's common, anyway. As newlyweds, you and your spouse were probably able to schedule your life around the time you spent with each other. Now you're parents, and your marriage has slid down the priority list. Every moment is busy with your children -- dirty diapers, sports practice, dentist appointments, school programs, etc.

Your home has likely become child-focused. A child-focused home seems like a good idea, because parenting is one of the most important jobs in your life. Children require a lot from Mom and Dad. They need your attention, your affection and your affirmation. They need you to be engaged in their lives.

But if everything -- including your marriage -- revolves around your children, your home is out of balance. The desire to be a great parent becomes counterproductive when it overshadows your desire to be a great spouse. A strong marriage is one of the greatest gifts you can offer your children. It's the foundation of their stability and confidence in life and will benefit them throughout their lives.

So my advice is: Protect your marriage. Love and serve one another. Make time for your spouse, even while you're working hard to raise your children together. Secure, confident children don't come from child-focused homes, but from marriage-focused homes.

Q: Do you think that "shooter" video games might have a contributing influence in some of the incidents of mass violence in our society? I'm heartbroken whenever I see a commercial for a war game or watch kids at a store demo screen blasting away.

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: There's a lot of discussion about the cause-and-effect relationship between playing violent video games and actual behavior and attitudes. For one thing, not all violent video games are created equal. Some shooter games revolve around eliminating space aliens. Some involve enemies during simulated war. But some revel in killing for killing's sake. Those games especially worry me.

I thought the argument was over in 2000 when the American Medical Association (AMA), the American Psychological Association (APA) and several other groups issued this joint declaration:

"(Media violence's) effects are measurable and long lasting. Moreover, prolonged viewing of media violence can lead to emotional desensitization toward violence in real life ... Viewing entertainment violence can lead to increases in aggressive attitudes, values and behaviors, particularly in children."

In 2015, the APA concluded that research had not yet proved a link between gaming and actual violence but pointed out: "(T)he link between violence in video games and increased aggression in players is one of the most studied and best established in the field."

Whatever "increased aggression in players" is, culturally we only seem to care when it makes the evening news. For instance, in 2003, Alabama teenager Devin Darnell Thompson killed three police department employees, claiming the "Grand Theft Auto" video game influenced these murders. Fortunately, incidents like these are rare.

Meanwhile, in 2017 Canadian researchers found that prolonged video game playing actually decreases the gray matter in the brain's hippocampus. Again, that can't be good.

I believe common sense dictates that games glamorizing the killing of innocent humans -- making it out to be "fun" and rewarding -- definitely have a negative side. Personally, I would err on the side of caution, allowing teens to play only (or mostly) the types of games that don't celebrate murder and mayhem. And should you make an exception -- if you notice a change in personality, it's definitely time to have a chat with your child about his or her gaming habits, beliefs and influences. That's always a great idea!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our family recently heard about the need for foster families, especially those willing to adopt. We're intrigued. What should we think about before deciding?

Jim: With more than 100,000 legal orphans in United States foster care waiting for adoptive families, more and more families are looking into adoption. It's a big step to take, and there are many things to consider.

This issue is close to my heart because I spent time in the foster system as a child. And my wife and I have fostered several kids over the last few years. With planning and lots of prayer, it can be a beautiful thing.

Dr. Debi Grebenik, a Colorado Springs-based licensed social worker with extensive experience in foster care and adoption, emphasizes that the adoption journey begins with a commitment for life. In other words, it's similar to a marriage. The adoption process calls for love and understanding, in sickness and in health and for richer or poorer -- because there will be unforeseen detours, mountaintop experiences and deep valleys along the way. But adoptive parents who begin the process faithfully and fearlessly are more likely to see it through.

Just like all moms and dads, adoptive parents must be prepared to love their child unconditionally. Some kids have deep emotional wounds after spending years in foster care. They may display manipulation, defiance, aggression, depression and other challenging behaviors. However, an adoptive parent's unconditional love may be the only lifeline these children have as they emerge from an unstable environment and learn what it means to be part of a permanent, solid family for the first time in their lives. And the blessings and rewards far outweigh the challenges for those who are willing to take the plunge.

To learn more about adoption, go to ICareAboutOrphans.org or FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: A little bit of conflict is normal in marriage, right? My wife and I have our occasional "issues," but we get along a lot better than most couples we know.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage and Family Formation: Here's an analogy: What do you do when you see a crack developing in a wall of your house? Ignore it? Cover it with paint? Or do you figure out the source of the problem and fix it?

In 1995, employees at a five-story department store in South Korea noticed a crack in one of the support columns. Despite warnings from the building engineers, the store's owner refused to close the building for repairs. He insisted it was a minor problem. But the crack was a symptom of a much larger structural failure. Just a few months later, the entire building collapsed, killing over 500 people.

Similar catastrophes take place within marriages every day. Couples often notice the cracks in their marriage, but they choose to ignore them. The problem seems so small and insignificant. Why deal with it now and go through all that emotional upheaval for nothing? What couples fail to recognize is the crack may be the first sign of a larger issue developing within the relationship. Ignore those problems, and the structure of the marriage could weaken over time, bringing the whole thing crashing to the ground.

If you want a healthy marriage, look beneath the cracks in your relationship and address the larger problems hiding there. Strengthen your marriage by addressing small problems before they become large ones.

To jump-start this process, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com and search "marriage assessment tools." We offer a couple of checkup options, both free and at minimal cost, to help you and your spouse identify the strengths of your relationship as well as weak spots. And we have plenty of tools to help you fix the cracks.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Why do so many people have trouble apologizing when they say or do something rude or even offensive? It seems to me like we've lost the ability to extend this common courtesy; at least, I've certainly seen it in my own extended family.

Jim: "I'm sorry" could be two of the hardest words in the English language to say. And that's too bad -- because when they're spoken with sincerity, they can bring healing to almost any relationship.

Oh, it's not hard to speak the words, but it can be tough to say them with sincerity. That's probably because we understand that to apologize is to accept responsibility for ill-spoken words or misbehavior. It requires humility on our part, which can often be confused with giving someone else the upper hand over us. That's why apologies tend to be viewed as a weakness.

It's also why people often offer apologies that have been stripped of any real meaning. We minimize the severity of our actions; we blame our behavior on others; or maybe we say all the right words but dilute them with sarcasm or humor. Whatever the method, we recognize it when we see it. And the result is always the same: the appearance of an apology without the substance of one.

Maybe it's a growing lack of responsibility, a pervasive sense of entitlement or the anonymity of the internet bleeding over into daily life. But this trend is a problem.

Far from being a weakness, a heartfelt apology requires strength because it demands sincerity and humility on behalf of the person offering it. And that's the secret. Mending a damaged relationship has little to do with the words we use to express our contrition. The healing comes from the authenticity we pour into our words and actions.

Q: So many young people I know seem to have a skewed view of sex. How can I help my children begin to develop a healthy sexual foundation?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Sexuality isn't just about sex. It involves the mind, the body and relationship. For your kids to develop a healthy sexual foundation, you need to help them develop healthy character.

There are five foundational character ingredients to healthy sexuality:

-- Empathy. Kids must learn that other children have their own thoughts and feelings too. Help them try to understand what those thoughts and feelings might be. Generally speaking, this would be best to begin teaching at the age of 2 or 3.

-- Self-control. Children also need to learn how to manage their own desires, thoughts and emotions. Help them notice how their thoughts impact how they feel and how their actions affect others.

-- Love. Kids should be taught what it means to develop steadfast, faithful, loyal and persevering love for another. Many cultural messages teach kids how to be consumers of people, i.e., "How do you benefit me?" Real love combines security in oneself with the ability to give of oneself wholeheartedly and freely.

-- Patience. Similar to self-control, patience is the ability to delay gratification rather than seek immediate pleasure. There are plenty of everyday teaching opportunities for parents to help kids learn patience, but the best thing you can do is model it.

-- Connection. Studies indicate that teens who are actively involved in their faith and have a strong bond with their parents are less likely to engage in risky behaviors such as premarital sex, pornography and substance abuse. Pause and enjoy your relationship with one another at home through meals together, laughter, board games or walks.

Help your kids focus on these five foundational components of healthy sexuality, and they will reap the benefits for years to come as they continue to work toward healthy sexual development.

For more information on this topic, visit focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.