Focus on the Family

Q: As a busy mother with young children, I don't have much choice but to take them with me when I go shopping. But sometimes they drive me crazy in the stores! Help!

Jim: I love seeing families shop together; they're experiencing the value of spending time with each other in daily life. So I generally don't mind when I'm stuck behind a cart steered by a 5-year-old -- as long as Mom or Dad is navigating! But some outings can turn frustrating if we don't stay on our toes. Author Karen Ehman has some tips for shopping with children.

Feed them first and avoid hot spots: Temptations are everywhere. If kids are hungry, you could be inviting trouble. (And let's face it, we all have our "hangry" moments.) And if they haven't learned that needs are different than wants, stay away from some aisles altogether.

Build incentive: Help children cut a coupon for a special treat beforehand. If they get through the trip without complaining or acting out, they get to have that treat.

Guide financial awareness: If your older child wants something, talk about cost. If they don't have enough money of their own, brainstorm ways they can earn it.

Buddy up: Some ages and stages are rougher than others. Arrange with another struggling parent to watch each other's kids while you go to the store alone.

Most of all, hang in there! Not all shopping trips will be stress-free. But intentional efforts to develop your children's behavior -- even in the most everyday moments -- can have a lasting impact.

For more ideas to help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My 12-year-old daughter follows all of her favorite celebrities on social media. She's constantly checking her phone for tweets and Instagram posts. I've been looking at the things many of those people post -- from racy photos to expletive-filled rants -- and I'm concerned. How can I address this with my daughter?

Bob Waliszewski, Director, Plugged In: Stepping back a bit, I believe the place to start is to have a conversation with your daughter about people in general. Now, I know you've already done that to a point. We all have. But what I'm suggesting here is a discussion about people whose lives are truly worth emulating. Who are some of these? What makes a person someone to "follow"? Name a few names.

Personally, I like to set the bar high. The people I admire -- both living and deceased -- are those who've extended themselves on behalf of others, who've given sacrificially above and beyond what is "normal," and who believe that there's no greater gift one can give than to lay down one's life for someone else. I'm not there yet. But I know what it looks like. (Some of my models: Desmond Doss, Dave Roever, Mother Teresa, Dr. Kent Brantly, Jean Vanier.)

Now, we all have feet of clay, so I'm not trying to suggest we'll find a perfect person or two to pattern our lives after. But there are and have been thousands who've been exemplary in ways that would be good for us all to follow. Your daughter needs to know these people aren't constantly posing for selfies or are "worthy" just because they're famous. They're certainly not about to post racy photos and expletive-filled rants. These are virtuous people of great character, and they stand out culturally because of it.

Make sure to help your daughter understand that there's nothing wrong with looking up to people. Just be sure she has a better road map to find what those people are really like inside and identify those who seem to be doing it right these days (or have done it right in days gone by).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've been through a series of challenges and disappointments over the past few years. I try to keep a positive attitude, but sometimes it's hard to avoid self-pity and discouragement. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I certainly don't want to minimize whatever you've endured. And there's practical help available, which I'll mention in a moment. That said, often the best way to change our mindset about our own struggles is to reach out to someone else. Let me share a recent illustration from the world of sports.

The Boston Marathon is always highly anticipated. However, the weather on race day this year was terrible: pouring rain, a strong headwind virtually the whole length of the 26.2-mile course and subfreezing wind chill.

Within just a few miles from the start, elite runner Desiree Linden was miserable and ready to give up; it looked like it just wasn't going to be her day. But Desiree saw a training partner (a race favorite) lagging behind the lead group after an unplanned stop. Desiree slowed down and told her friend that she would help pace -- allowing the other woman to "draft" behind her -- and wouldn't drop out until they caught up together.

The two women closed the gap to the main pack of elite runners. Desiree then saw another friend who was struggling to keep up with the leaders. So she paced that runner for a while.

As the marathon continued, Desiree realized that she wasn't thinking so much about the awful conditions. But her competitors were. As other elite athletes dropped out or slowed down, Desiree Linden kept going. Back in 2011, Desiree had placed No. 2 at Boston, just a couple of seconds behind the winner. In 2018, she crossed the finish line with a 4-minute lead -- becoming the first American woman in 33 years to win this country's most prestigious marathon.

In various interviews after the race, Desiree said that pacing her friends gave her the boost she needed -- both physically and mentally -- to stay in the race when she had been ready to quit. And there's actually good scientific evidence to back that up.

Research shows that when we help someone else, our brains release dopamine and serotonin -- "feel-good hormones." Those hormones boost our physical as well as mental state. In the process, our attention is drawn away from ourselves and onto the other person. Our minds disengage from our own difficulties and focus on something positive. That can give us the momentum to keep moving ourselves.

Now, I've never run a marathon, and I don't know that I ever will. But my friends who have tell me that it's a great metaphor for life. No matter who you are, finishing the race involves taking thousands of individual steps as consistently as you can. Even if you're struggling, there's likely someone who's having an even harder time. And it's always easier when others are with you for mutual encouragement. In fact, the more people you have in your pace group, the more likely that you'll all complete the course successfully.

So my advice to you is to come alongside someone else who is struggling. Encourage them. Listen to their story and tell them your own. Let them draft behind you for a time, if necessary. Around the next corner, maybe they -- or someone else -- will do the same for you.

Of course, there are situations where the services of a professional "coach" can make a big difference. Our staff counselors are available to help and offer referrals to licensed therapists all over the country. You can call 1-855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm experiencing an awkward situation with an extended family member. This person recently disagreed with something I posted on Facebook and commented harshly. I admit I responded poorly in the moment. This led to other negative posts, a few blunt emails and even a couple of snarky texts. A minor difference has escalated into real tension. What do I do now?

Jim: Digital connections -- email, texting and popular social media platforms -- have revolutionized communication with good reason: They're fast and convenient. When a relationship is healthy, they're a great way to stay in touch.

But, as author and psychologist Dr. John Townsend warns, if you're engaged in conflict with someone, addressing problems through electronic means is the worst thing you can do. That's because confrontational comments almost always seem worse when you read them. No matter how carefully we word our thoughts, it's far too easy for the reader to feel attacked or judged. In fact, the potential for misunderstanding is so great that Dr. Townsend recommends people never use digital means to confront anyone.

Instead, talk face-to-face if at all possible -- or by phone if necessary. Granted, addressing disagreements in person can make for an uncomfortable conversation. But it's the best way to ensure that the subtleties of communication carry through and help make reconciliation possible, rather than derail it.

Make it your priority to affirm the relationship, even if you need to "agree to disagree" about some things. There's some great advice on interacting with others that dates back 2,000 years: "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all."

Humbly admitting any fault you might have had in escalating the situation could be the first step in reaching a resolution. If our staff counselors can be of help, feel free to call them at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My 7-year-old daughter is smart, and many things come easy for her. But when things don't go her way, or she hits any sort of obstacle, she just gives up. How can I teach her to persevere?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Perseverance is certainly important to a thriving and successful life. As a family therapist, I've noticed many kids haven't learned how to respond to normal childhood emotions like boredom, sadness, loneliness, disappointment, failure or loss. As parents, we get to teach our kids how to manage these emotions effectively. We don't have to get caught up in shielding them from these.

Persevering through hardships is a learned process -- one that is most effectively learned at an early age, but which can be absorbed by older kids as well. Interestingly, some kids will naturally thrive when facing a challenge, no matter the outcome. Others interpret loss as a complete failure. The key to perseverance is looking through a new lens. This is true for all areas of life: academics, relationships, job performance, etc.

There are three mindsets your child needs to develop persistence and successfully face adversity.

First, when (not if) she fails, acknowledge the resulting raw feelings but quickly move her toward constructive thoughts. It's great to recognize your child's talents, but also let her know talent requires refinement -- the process of growth and improvement. Winners first learn how to lose well so that they don't panic when things go unexpectedly wrong. Like a rubber ball, teach them how to bounce back.

Second, help your child become a creative problem-solver. A common phrase in my home is this: "Everything has a solution, you just have to find it."

Finally, guide your child toward humility. None of us are perfect -- but imperfection keeps us interdependent on others and allows us to experience the excitement of growing and improving.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.